Dear Diary

Daehyun has been coming over to my house more frequently now. I must say, it made me feel extremely giddy every time he did so. There’s just something about the two of us being at my house alone that makes my palms sweat and me feeling a little light-headed but overly exuberant. We’ve had a ton of fun. I’ve continued tutoring him and his grades have slightly improved, albeit not as much as I would’ve liked and that puzzles me a little. Sometimes, I wonder if Daehyun has trouble concentrating because I often looked up at him while explaining a problem to find that he had been staring at me for quite some time; at times like this, he would turn red and hastily look down. Of course, I would be lying if I say it didn’t make me blush and look away too. In any case, progress is still progress and I am extremely happy Daehyun is improving, even if his progress is slow.

Sometimes, we played video games or card games, or we just sat on my couch and talk about whatever. Or rather, I talked while Daehyun listened. I’ve been noticing that Daehyun doesn’t like to talk very much. He often shied away from topics of his home and after noticing that he was uncomfortable with it, I didn’t ask anymore. He liked to ask me about myself though, and although I believe that my life is rather boring, Daehyun didn’t think so. He always listened to me with a gentle smile gracing his lips; sometimes I wonder if he knew he was smiling because the look he gave me at times made my heart skip a beat. I’ve mentioned before that I am a very selfish person and it’s apparent here because I find myself constantly wanting him to look at me like that and no one else. 

Daehyun asked me a lot of random questions – what my favourite colour is, whether I like Summer or Winter better (I told him autumn is my favourite season), and where I usually go on weekends. I am not normally a chatterbox, but with Daehyun, it’s so easy to talk. He makes me feel so comfortable. I really feel as though we have become very close friends, and that was why I wanted to ask if I could go to his house. I came up with Plan I: getting an invitation to visit Daehyun’s house. Honestly, I felt really nervous asking him that, for I knew how private Daehyun was about his family life and entering his house was a huge invasion into his personal life. However, I wanted Daehyun to be as comfortable with me, as I was with him. And although it did make me feel bad to invade into his personal life, I did it anyway, so that at least Daehyun now has someone he can confide in. I wanted to show him that I would be there for him no matter what. Even though he tried not to show it, I could see that he actually felt lonely and quite burdened by this secret that he kept. His shoulders were just barely slumped from the stress he was hiding and I could see that it was affecting him somewhat. I hoped to ease that burden off his chest at least.

It took me a full day to pluck up the courage to ask him that question. Of course, it didn’t help the fact that Himchan had been coming over to chat with me pretty often. It really puzzled me but Daehyun always seemed a little closeted whenever Himchan came around. He would look down and have that little frown line he always has in between his eyebrows whenever he’s displeased about something. The first time I noticed it was when Himchan came to see me early in the morning to apologise for his blunder yesterday. I was talking to Daehyun near the lockers – we had fallen into the habit of conversing with each other in school whenever we had the chance to – when something large and heavy engulfed me in a hug. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so so sorry,” Himchan squeaked into my ear. “Please forgive me, Jae, I love you, you know I love you.”

I rolled my eyes at this proclamation. I had been ignoring Himchan’s apology texts the entire night and hadn’t been picking up his calls for I was quite furious with him. Though I couldn’t stay angry at Himchan for long – I never could – and thus, I returned his hug with one hand, with a smile forming on my lips.

“Alright, alright. Apology accepted. But, um… Himchan?” I brought my lips close to his ear and whispered. “Daehyun’s here.”

“Daehyun, who?”

I pinched him at the waist and he let go with a yelp. Himchan was about to criticise me for treating him with violence when he caught sight of the awkward-looking boy in front of me. His mouth opened slightly before he closed it quickly.

“I… er… I’m sorry for stealing your clothes, Youngjae,” said Himchan maniacally. He shoved a brown paper bag into my hands. I chuckled.

“Here they are. I washed and ironed them for you. Well, I’ll see you soon. Bye.” With that, Himchan sprinted off.

I stood there, laughing at my friend’s weirdness. Trust my friend to be so unaware of the situation around him. I glanced at Daehyun, expecting to share an amused and exasperated smile with him, but found that he was glaring rather dangerously at Himchan’s retreating back. My smile faltered and I asked if he was alright. Daehyun shrugged and his hands into his pockets before stalking off. I didn’t know what got him into such a bad mood, but I followed him, shooting glances at his rather moody face and trying to decipher what this change in mood meant. Finally, I held out a hand and grabbed his arm. He stopped and looked down at my hand in surprise. I quickly let go, feeling that uncomfortable yet pleasant prickling sensation burning the area of my skin that came into contact with his.
“Daehyun, whatever I did, I’m sorry I offended you,” I issued an apology. I really didn’t know what I did wrong, but it was better I apologised for it because it hurt quite a lot seeing him being mad at me.

Daehyun looked into my eyes before quickly glancing away. He muttered, “Don’t apologise. It’s not you I’m angry at.”

Confused, I asked him what he meant by that, but the bell rang before he could say anything and we had to head for our first class. It was Math and I had it with Daehyun. Another major change that has occurred is that Daehyun and I have started sitting together in the classes that we share. We would sometimes talk when the lessons got boring, earning us a few stern remarks from the teachers. However, Daehyun and I sank into a stony silence that day, as there was still a cold tension between us. Throughout the first half of the lesson, I would think back on my words and wonder what had caused Daehyun’s change in mood. Realising it would be better to just ask, I turned to Daehyun, only to find that his face was slightly red. I think I might have caught him whipping his head back from my direction, but I’m not sure. Besides, it’s ridiculous – why would Daehyun be staring at me?

Deciding I should write the confrontation down as Mrs Kim has very good ears, I scribbled something on a piece of paper and passed it to Daehyun.

‘Why are you angry?’ 

Daehyun looked down at it for such a long time that I was afraid he would ignore it. Eventually, he sighed and took a pen. He wrote something down and passed it to me.

‘I’m sorry. I’m being childish. Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing.’

Confused, I wrote down another line.

‘But surely it must have been something.’ I bit my lip before adding, ‘Was it something I said?’

Daehyun’s eyes flickered up to my face momentarily before writing: ‘No, it’s not you, Youngjae. I would never be angry at you. It was someone else.’

‘Was it Himchan?’ I asked.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Daehyun blink. He seemed to be hesitating. Before he could even pick up his pen to write, however, Mrs Kim came up to us with a stern look. I hastily stowed the paper away under my desk. 

“Youngjae, Daehyun, do you have any questions?” Mrs Kim folded her arms and glared down at us.

I meekly shook my head and saw Daehyun do the same out of the corner of my eye.

“Then please pay attention in class.”

I flushed and hung my head in shame. I’d never been called out by my teachers so often before, as I was usually attentive in class. However, having Daehyun sit next to me was highly distracting. I chanced a glance to my left. Daehyun was looking down at his hands and apparently thinking about something. I thought back to his behaviour when he read what I wrote about Himchan; it did seem like Himchan was the cause of his abrupt change in mood. But as far as I knew, Himchan did nothing to Daehyun, in fact, he wasn’t even aware that Daehyun was there. Was that why Daehyun was angry? Because Himchan had ignored him? I bit my lip. I didn’t want two of my closest friends to be hostile to one another.

Daehyun and I went through our classes in silence, not really talking much unless it was necessary. I was still feeling nervous about asking if I could go to his house. Daehyun was unusually quiet and I supposed it was because of Himchan. After the third lesson passed in which Daehyun didn’t look in my direction, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Clearly, Daehyun had some misplaced misconceptions about Himchan and I wouldn’t allow that. It was time for me to force my two friends to be friendly with each other. I texted Himchan, asking him to join Daehyun and me for lunch. Himchan’s reply was instant and panicky. I assured him that all would be fine as long as he didn’t make a fool out of himself. He eventually relented.

Daehyun grew more cheerful towards lunchtime – I suppose it was the prospect of food which kept him optimistic. I chuckled at that thought. We headed towards the cafeteria and by the time we were queuing up for food, Daehyun seemed to have completely forgotten his previous disagreements and was chatting amiably with me about the talent show. We were wondering together who would be participating in it.

“Will you be watching it?” he asked out of curiosity.

“Of course,” I replied. “I love these things.”

He seemed pleased with my response. 

We went to our table and I was in good spirits. It’d be much easier to bring Daehyun and Himchan closer together while Daehyun was in such a good mood. I kept looking over at the entrance, scouring the crowd for Himchan and Daehyun even joked if I was looking for my crush. I blushed at his remark – he didn’t know my crush was sitting right in front of me. 

Himchan entered the cafeteria; I immediately recognised his haughty walk and I waved him over enthusiastically. Daehyun glanced back curiously to see whom I was waving at and when he saw that it was Himchan, a scowl took over his features. He immediately became subdued when Himchan took the seat next to mine, keeping his head down and seemingly stuffing himself endlessly with fries.

“Hey, Youngjae.” Himchan ruffled my hair and I shoved his hands away from my neatly styled hair. 

Now, I don’t typically style my hair, but I’ve been seeing Daehyun a lot more frequently and forgive me if I want to look good in front of him. Himchan laughed and placed an arm around my seat.

“Hello, Daehyun,” said Himchan uncertainly, glancing nervously at me. I nodded in encouragement. “It’s nice to meet you. I believe we haven’t formally introduced ourselves. I’m Himchan.”

Daehyun glanced up and caught sight of Himchan’s arm around my chair. He stared at it for such a long time that I fidgeted. 

“Hi,” he said after an overly long pause.

Himchan seemed to have sensed the awkwardness for he suddenly took his arm from the chair and rubbed the back of his neck. “So, uh… you’re a junior just like Youngjae?”

“Yeah.”

“You must’ve known who he was since freshman year, then? Or just this year?”

Daehyun paused before replying, “Since freshman year.”

My eyebrows shot up at this statement. I didn’t know he’d noticed me since freshman year. I can’t remember if we had the same classes back then, but we certainly hadn’t talked before.

“Ah… okay.” Himchan seemed to be growing increasingly uncomfortable with Daehyun’s short responses. Nevertheless, he tried again, “So, what are your hobbies?”

“I like to run.”

“You should add eating,” I grinned.

The corners of Daehyun’s lips twitched.

“Anything else?” asked Himchan amiably.

“Well, I do like singing,” replied Daehyun.

“Oh, how wonderful!” Himchan turned to me with an exaggeratedly broad smile. I had to refrain myself from bursting out in laughter at his expression. “Youngjae likes to sing too!”

I inwardly rolled my eyes. His overreactions were sometimes entertaining, but at times like this, they were annoying.

“You do?”

Daehyun’s voice brought me back to reality and I found him staring at me with wide eyes.

“Well, yes… but I’m not particularly good at it or anything.”

“Nonsense.” Himchan clapped a hand on my shoulder. “You have a wonderful voice. Hey!” Himchan suddenly said. There was a glint in his eye which I did not like. “Why don’t the two of you sign up for that talent show together? You can do anything you want and the prizes are really good! The first prize is a ticket for two to this cruise trip during our spring break!”

Himchan seemed way more enthusiastic about this than he should have been. I laughed. That was the most ridiculous thing I’d heard. Me? Sing with Daehyun?

“Why not?” Himchan looked almost hurt at my burst of laughter. He turned to Daehyun. “You can sing a song with Youngjae. What do you think? It’ll be a great opportunity to showcase your talents.”

“I…” Daehyun scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

There was a pink tint on his cheeks. Oh gosh, he looked so cute being so flustered.    

“Well, I’ve already entered the talent show.” Daehyun blushed.

“Oh, you have?” said Himchan in surprise. “With whom?”

“Just by myself.”

“Are you going to be singing?”

“Yes.” Daehyun’s blush intensified.

“That’s great, then! Youngjae can join you. He can just fill up the form.” Himchan turned to me. “I can get the form for you now if you want, I’m heading in that direction anyway.”

“Er…” I said. I wasn’t looking at Himchan, I was looking at Daehyun. He seemed to be looking rather panicky – his eyes had grown as huge as saucers and he was nervously biting his lip. He caught my eye and looked away hastily.

“Great! I’ll pass it to you after school. Wait for me near your locker, Jae!” Without waiting for a reply, Himchan left. I suppose he really didn’t want to hang around Daehyun any longer. What a bummer. I had really hoped for the pair of them to get along.

Left with a slightly awkward atmosphere since Himchan left, Daehyun and I didn’t speak for a few minutes. Daehyun was looking down at his food, playing with it, and looking rather forlorn.

“So, er…” I began, desperately trying to break the tension. “You wouldn’t mind it if I joined you, right? I mean, I’m not that good at singing, but it’d be fun to do something together.”

Daehyun looked up and bit his bottom lip. I could see the conflict in his eyes. My heart sank to my stomach.

“I-If you don’t want me to join you for the talent show, then that’s okay!” I said hastily. “I wasn’t trying to force you into it… I mean, I thought you’d like it if we could perform together because, that’s what I’d like… but if you’re not comfortable with it, then… um.”

I gulped. I didn’t even know why I was stuttering so badly. My mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts. I guess I was feeling really upset then, for I was wondering if Daehyun really disliked me and he was just too polite to say so. What if I was the only one thinking we were close friends? What if Daehyun didn’t feel close enough with me to do that sort of thing together? I was really afraid at that point in time that I would ruin the friendship. The frenzied thoughts only stopped when Daehyun spoke up:

“I would love to perform with you, Youngjae, it’s just…”

“Just what?” I asked nervously.

“I was going to make a confession to my crush.” 

Daehyun’s entire face turned so red, it was almost possible to feel the heat radiating off his face. He didn’t meet my eye as he said that and I was so glad he didn’t. For I just felt like something heavy just dropped into my stomach and I’m sure it showed on my face how upset I was. I didn’t know Daehyun had a crush.

“Oh, a confession,” I squeaked a few seconds too late. “W-who is it?”

“Erm…” Daehyun trailed off. He didn’t speak for a long time.

“Ah… that’s okay,” I tried to laugh but it came off sounding fake. “I don’t need to know.”

I was tragically upset. Nevertheless, I decided I would still enjoy spending time together with Daehyun.

“We can still do this thing together right?” I asked after a long, awkward pause. “I can help you confess to your crush.”

Daehyun looked up at me in surprise and blinked. There was something like frustration in his features, like I was missing a point. However, looking back, I admit I must’ve seen it wrongly. Perhaps Daehyun was just thinking I was trying to interfere with his love life. I swear, I had no intention of doing that, I just felt extremely sad that Daehyun likes someone else, but if that confession makes him happy, and if he does end up in a happy relationship with that person, then I’m happy. Or at least, I hope I will be.

“Okay,” Daehyun said, a smile twitching at the ends of his lips. He definitely thought I was weird, but I just wanted to help him. “You can perform with me. I’ll definitely need your help when I confess to my crush.”

He looked at me straight in the eyes when he said that last word and I felt both my heart flutter and the weight in my stomach get heavier. What would it feel like to have Daehyun confess to me? To be his crush? I really have to stop thinking these things because it’s highly unlikely Daehyun likes me. I’ll only end up disappointing myself. Gosh, this was such a disaster, I only wanted Daehyun and Himchan to be friendly with each other and it ended up with this whole mess I’ve gotten myself into. If I were to be fully honest with myself, I would say I am not at all looking forward to helping Daehyun confess to his stupid crush. But since my stupid brain thought it would be a good idea to help him at that time, I’m currently stuck with that predicament. Nevertheless, we dropped the topic and moved on to other things, though I noticed that Daehyun was significantly more cheerful. Maybe he was just happy he’s got more manpower to do this confession thing now. 

The whole confession fiasco almost distracted me from carrying out my original plan, which was to receive an invitation to go to his house. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t so devastated I forgot about my plan. I was just thinking this whole thing through and trying to find a reasonable approach to get Daehyun to see that perhaps this confession thing wasn’t such a good idea after all. Not because I was jealous or upset, but I just wanted the best for him. I don’t even know his crush and I can already tell he or she is not the right type for him.

I finally got round to asking Daehyun if I could come over to his house and I suddenly remembered why I was so afraid of asking him. He was suddenly very withdrawn and closed up when I mentioned it, and it took him a very long time to finally snap out of that anti-social demeanour and say “yes”. 

I was supposed to feel accomplished, but for some reason, I didn’t. Maybe it was because of Daehyun’s behaviour, but I felt slightly worried that I was about to finally visit his home. We went for class afterwards, and we made no mention of me going over to Daehyun’s house, but I could see that he was rather preoccupied, not with school, but with his troubled thoughts. 

Himchan met me near my locker after school. He handed me the application form, moving close to my ear and whispering, “You can thank me later.” He winked before hurrying off to his extra Math class. I groaned, apparently Himchan thought he was doing me a great service by forcing me to perform together with Daehyun. He didn’t know I was helping Daehyun confess to his crush yet. Honestly, this whole thing started with Himchan’s intrusive questions to Daehyun, and I was really annoyed with him.

I turned to Daehyun and saw that he was glaring in the direction which Himchan had disappeared off to. Seems like he still wasn’t very fond of Himchan yet. Well, at least I tried. I tapped his arm nervously and he turned to me, his expression suddenly warm.

“We’re still heading to your house, right?” I asked timidly.

Daehyun scratched the back of his head. “Er… yeah.”

I gulped. “If you don’t feel comfortable with it, that’s alright.”

“No, it’s not that. I’ve just never brought anyone home before,” Daehyun muttered.

“Never?” I asked in shock.

“Well, ever since I arrived in Seoul.”

“But, why?” I asked, stunned.

“I’m afraid of what people would think of me if they saw the situation at home.”

I stood there wondering what kind of situation would be so shocking that he would be reluctant to bring friends over. Nevertheless, we headed out soon after. Daehyun’s house wasn’t very far from the school – it was only a fifteen minutes’ walk – and thus, we walked the entire way there. I felt that familiar inability to breathe whenever my hand brushed against Daehyun’s and my stomach would perform some nauseating somersaults. I didn’t take my hand away though, for I quite liked the feeling, and fortunately, neither did Daehyun. We arrived at his mansion house soon after, and I marvelled at the rich exterior. However, it was nothing compared to the interior of the building, for once I stepped into his house, my eyes stretched so wide my eyeballs almost popped out. It was so elegant and classy, and I could just smell the scent of luxury oozing off every inch of their home. Their furniture looked like they could be antiques – I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually were – and their marble floor was so spotlessly clean I could see my own reflection. A delicate chandelier hung in the middle of the living room, which was lined with expensive art and perhaps the biggest portrait of all sat on top of their fire place – it was a family picture. I walked over to it quietly – it didn’t seem like a very warm picture, though I supposed that was how the rich took their pictures. Daehyun’s mother had a very cold aura surrounding her. I turned back to Daehyun after admiring his house. He was staring at me with a calculating look as though assessing my reaction.

“Your house is beautiful,” I said.

Daehyun smiled slightly, though it didn’t reach his eyes. 

“It’s so huge and classy. I can’t believe you said you liked my house.”

“I do,” said Daehyun softly. He had walked over to my side and was staring at the family portrait. 

“Are you kidding me? Your house is way better, Daehyun.”

He didn’t say anything, instead, he motioned for me to follow him and I did. We ascended the stairs – which was also made of marble – and entered a brightly lit corridor. The carvings on the walls made the entire place look historic. It was beautiful. Daehyun led me all the way to the end of the corridor and opened the door on his right. My jaw dropped when I stepped into his bedroom and caught sight of the elaborate interior. His bed was king-sized, and demanded most of my attention, but my eyes slowly swivelled around the room and took in most of it. It was posh, simply saying. There was an obvious touch of their flamboyantly luxurious lifestyle, but Daehyun still maintained his teenage side. There were faded posters of Kpop groups on his cream wallpapers, his clothes were strewn all over the velvet carpet and his desk was full of books. Daehyun sheepishly kicked a stray boxer away and turned to me. 

“Er… make yourself at home.”

I went over to his bed and perched cautiously on top of it – his duvet was made of silk and I was afraid of ruining it. I my lips as I stared around the room. He had his own bathroom and another narrower door which was probably his closet. Daehyun came over to sit beside me and our thighs touched. I scooted away as soon as my skin started heating up from the touch.

“So, what do you think of it?” Daehyun asked.

“Of what?”

“My house.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Are you even asking me that? Daehyun, it’s beautiful. I don’t know how you can bear to leave it every morning. If I had a house this big and glamourous, I don’t think I’ll ever leave.”

Daehyun bit his bottom lip. I noticed he had the tendency to do that very often and it always distracted me. I found myself staring at his lips. 

“You don’t think it’s too over-the-top?” Daehyun’s question brought my focus back up to his eyes. They were sincere and warm.

“No. Well, yes. But you’re rich, so you’re bound to live like this.” I glanced around, breaking off eye contact with him – Daehyun’s stare was too intense, too deep, that it made me slightly nervous. 

“You don’t think it feels… empty?”

I turned back to Daehyun; he was still staring at me. Looking into his eyes more carefully, I detected something like sadness within their depths. 

“Do you feel lonely, Daehyun?” I asked softly.

It was Daehyun’s turn to look away now. He fidgeted with the hem of his school shirt. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I got used to it. We change houses too often and my family’s just adjusted to being distant with one another.”

He looked so desolate that I gingerly placed an arm around his shoulder. He seemed surprised by my gesture at first, but soon relaxed and leant his head on my shoulder. I found myself gulping and my heart started beating erratically, nevertheless, I pushed all my feelings aside and concentrated on what Daehyun said next:

“My parents divorced when I was younger. My father remarried another woman – my step-mum – and we’ve been changing houses very often because her job requires us to move around.” Daehyun paused before continuing, “He doesn’t really love her. He married her for the money. She’s a very successful businesswoman and also the heiress of a large company her parents owned. Back in Busan, when my parents were still married, my house used to be like yours – cosy, warm and familial. This house is nice, but I would give everything to have my home in Busan back, as well as the tight-knit family we used to be.”

I didn’t know what to say. I guess that’s why the article differed from Daehyun’s records in terms of Daehyun’s mother’s name. I didn’t want to ask why his parents divorced as I felt I would be intruding into his personal life too much. So instead, I asked, “Do your dad and step-mum argue often?”

“Yes,” Daehyun sighed and lifted his head. I instantly withdrew my arm; my left side felt cold all of a sudden.

“All the time. It’s annoying.”

We didn’t speak for a while. I was frankly afraid of asking the wrong questions and hence, delved into the topic no further, though my mind burnt with questions. We got round to doing our homework in silence, though it was a comfortable silence. Daehyun insisted I stayed for dinner and we ate in his room, because Daehyun said he hardly goes down to eat for fear of meeting his father and step-mother and having to endure the awkward, tense atmosphere. Hence, he had our dinner brought up. We cleared his desk and chatted while eating. I tried my best to crack a few jokes so that Daehyun could laugh all his tension and sadness away, and maybe the worry lines in between his eyebrows hadn’t fully disappeared, but his eyes twinkled merrily as he chuckled in that adorable way of his. Daehyun asked me out of the blue if I liked the yolk or the egg white better and when I said I liked the yolk better, he insisted on me getting the yolk – he had taken the yolk into his bowl. When I held out my spoon for him to put the yolk in, however, Daehyun reached forward and pushed the yolk into my mouth with his chopsticks. I blinked and felt my face heat up. Daehyun merely smiled and resumed his eating as though he did that every day. Trust Daehyun to act unpredictably and send my thoughts into a frenzy and my heart into a series of palpitations. I had to remind myself firmly that Daehyun liked someone else and how he acted towards me were nothing more than friendly affections.

I will admit, it does make me considerably sad that Daehyun has a crush. I’ve been sitting on my bed for about two hours ever since I came back from Daehyun’s house, contemplating on whether I should abandon my experiment for there does not seem to be any use for it now, seeing as the sole purpose for it was to establish a relationship with Daehyun. However, I have decided to still continue with this experiment, for it doesn’t matter if I do not get to be romantically involved with Daehyun, I will still be content, albeit rather saddened, with a completely platonic, yet close friendship with Daehyun. I hope to become his best friend and confidant in the future, and I will fully support Daehyun in his relationship with the person he is interested in.

I asked Daehyun how he was going to confess to his crush, and he replied in a rather curious way. He told me that he wanted to serenade his crush and present him with a bouquet of flowers – when I learnt that Daehyun’s crush was male, it strangely made me feel more bitter. Perhaps I thought I would feel better if I learnt Daehyun was straight, seeing as there would not be any chance at all for me to get together with him in that case. Daehyun mentioned that he initially wanted this whole thing to be a surprise and seeing that it’s not possible now, he’s just going to make do with whatever he has. I asked him what he meant by that and he laughed, telling me that it was nothing. I was confused, but regardless, I promised Daehyun that I would do my very best to ensure his crush receives the best performance of his life and becomes so moved that he would accept Daehyun’s confession immediately. Daehyun grinned and said that I’d already given him my word and I couldn’t back out of it on the day itself. I was slightly hurt that Daehyun would think I was capable of breaking my promise to him. Sure, I feel upset about this whole thing, but I’m not going to let my unhappiness ruin his potential relationship. Still, I smiled meekly at Daehyun and told him I wasn’t going to. Daehyun guffawed at this point – he seemed to be sharing an inside joke with himself. He is so strange, sometimes I wonder how I ever fell for him.

I still can’t get this sinking feeling out of my heart. It wasn’t like I expected him to like me back, but him having a crush on someone else just made it more impossible for him to like me. I suppose I shall sleep this off and see how I feel tomorrow – though I doubt it will be any different, seeing as I am already very taken with Daehyun. This is honestly all Himchan’s fault, though I’m glad I got to know about this in advance and not receive a massive shock on the day of the talent show when Daehyun would suddenly descend from the stage and give a bouquet to another guy. I think I would cry if I was ever taken aback like that. I wonder who it is. Is it that mysterious senior with a deep voice? I think his name is Yongguk? He seems pretty cool; many girls fawn over his charismatic looks and he’s also an underground rapper from what I’ve heard. Or perhaps it’s one of those annoying freshmen who seem to cling onto Daehyun? Zelo and Jongup are their names, I believe? Whoever that boy is, I’m feeling quite angry with him at the moment. Maybe this is what people call jealousy. I’ve never been jealous of someone before, as I have a loving family, top grades and quite a decent face. In fact, I could well be the object of many girls’ fancy if I weren’t such a nerd. Maybe Daehyun doesn’t go for nerds. Should I change my look? What am I talking about, Daehyun already likes someone else, he isn’t going to like me just because I dress differently. I’ve been rambling on for too long. I should just sleep this weight off my heart. 

Yours sincerely

Youngjae