Dear Diary

Daehyun asked me if I was interested to go jogging with him. Obviously, I said yes, but I was feeling rather nervous as it would be my first jogging session with him. What if I slowed Daehyun down? What if I got all sweaty and disgusting and turned Daehyun off forever? All sorts of thoughts ran through my mind, and I nervously waited for the day Daehyun would pick me up at my house to go jogging with him.

In the meantime, however, I wanted to prepare as much as possible so that my jogging experience with Daehyun would be perfect. I started with buying a new jogging attire – I didn’t think Daehyun would be impressed if I arrived in my too-tight sweat shirt and gym shorts. My shoes were getting rather dull-looking too and although the entire shopping spree dug out a huge, empty hole in my pockets – bless the extremely inflated sports consumer market – I was relatively happy with my new outfit. I had painstakingly gone through hundreds of clothes to find those that looked best on me, much to the bewilderment of the staff who was helping me out and who couldn’t understand why anyone needed to look good in sports attire to go jogging. In the end, however, I managed to gather an apparel that, if I may say so myself, made me look rather good.

Next, I started with some cardio exercises every day in a desperate attempt to return my limp body into shape. I did not continue this regime however, for I gave up after a couple of days, choosing instead to watch cat videos on YouTube. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not a procrastinator; I never fail to diligently finish my schoolwork on time, but when it comes to something that requires physical exertion, I find myself less than willing to do it as promptly. Nevertheless, I was willing to try anything for Daehyun, and for my health of course.

I waited for Daehyun to come over. He was already rather well-acquainted with my house, having been here so many times already. I was all decked out in my new sportswear and having a rowdy stir of butterflies in my stomach. Already, I was feeling rather jittery about our plans. However, I knew I couldn’t back out then. My mother entered the living room, where I sat on a sofa, stoic and unmoving. She seemed surprised to see me all dressed up and asked:

“Expecting someone?”

“Just Daehyun, mum,” I replied.

She hummed, her eyebrows shooting up in amusement as she scanned my outfit.

“Er, Youngjae?” Her lips twitched.

“Yes?”

“Don’t you think your hair is too neatly styled for you to be exercising?”

I patted my head nervously. It’s true that I had used quite a substantial amount of styling products, but I just wanted to look good next to my already flawless jogging partner.

“Do you think it’s too much?” I asked in concern.

“If I were to crop the rest of your body out, I’d think you were going to some fancy restaurant,” she chuckled. Upon seeing my flustered expression, she smiled softly. “Don’t fret, Youngjae. You look nice.

The doorbell sounded.

“Looks like it’s Daehyun,” she smirked. “I’ll leave you two to your date then.”

“It’s not a—” I began but she had quickly left the living room to enter the kitchen.

I was feeling unusually warm around my neck and face, and I got up before crossing over to the door and opening it. Daehyun wore a simple plain white T-shirt and some track pants, but he still managed to look extremely attractive. His T-shirt clung to him in all the right areas, and I found myself staring at his stomach for too long than was appropriate. I couldn’t help it, however, I thought I’d detected a faint outline of his abs. Daehyun cleared his throat, bringing my attention back to his face, which was starting to grow slightly red. I felt my own face heat up as well.

“You look great,” he complimented.

“Thanks,” I muttered, the heat practically radiating off my cheeks.

“Shall we go?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I squeaked in a voice that was much higher than I’d wanted. I cleared my throat, already annoyed at myself.

Daehyun simply smiled and led the way out of my house. We jogged at a very slow pace, warming our bodies up and loosening up those tensed muscles. We rounded a corner and already, I could feel a slight piercing pain shoot through the right side of my body. I huffed and took in deep breaths, trying to get the stitch to go away. Daehyun didn’t seem to notice anything and had already picked up his pace. I picked up mine as well, not wanting to be left behind, but soon, I was lagging half a step behind him. That allowed me to study his side profile, however, and I found myself subconsciously wondering amidst my ragged breaths how he still managed to look flawless even while running. I was sure I looked like a sweaty potato then. Suddenly feeling self-conscious about my appearance, I brought my sleeve up to wipe my forehead, where my fringe was already sticking flat. I was definitely not looking my best.

We went on for a further fifteen minutes, all the while, me feeling as though my heart was about to burst from my chest and splatter onto the concrete. I’m not going to lie though, it was strangely rejuvenating to be out running. After a while, I paced myself to my heartbeat and Daehyun’s wide steps. I started counting to myself, “1… 2… 1… 2…” in my head and soon, it became mechanical and automatic. Though I still found myself slowing down to an agonising stop and doubling over with the stitch digging into my right side. Daehyun made a U-turn and jogged over to my side, concern written all over his face.

“We can stop if you want,” he said, voice laced with concern.

I found it cute how his brow furrowed slightly, making that dent appear in between his eyebrows.

“It’s okay,” I told him in between gasps. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not,” he said firmly. “Let’s rest for a while.”

He grabbed my hand and guided me over to a bench. I felt myself gulp and my tummy tumble when his skin came into contact with mine. We sat as far away from each other as possible; I’m not sure about Daehyun, but I was feeling nervous about touching him. There was a slightly awkward silence. Daehyun was observing the birds that were flitting through the trees and I was observing him, albeit not as discreetly as I’d thought, for Daehyun turned to me and blinked when he caught me staring at him. We both looked away in embarrassment.

“So… uh… what are we doing for the talent show?” I asked, turning to him, and was surprised to find him glancing at me.

“The talent show?” he muttered, looking a little confounded.

“Yeah, the talent show. You know…” My heart sank a little. “We agreed to perform together.” Had he forgotten?

“Ah, yes,” he said. “We’re singing right?”

“What song?”

“What song do you want to sing?” he asked me.

I bit my lip as I thought about it. “Well, since you’re making a confession to your crush, why don’t we sing a love song or a confession song?” It pained me to say this, but I knew I had to be courteous.

“Mm,” he mused. “I was thinking maybe we could do a different song? I was planning to do the confession after…”

“We’re doing two songs?” I asked blankly.

“No, no,” he tried to explain. “Since we’re performing together, I thought we could do something that’s separate from my confession.” He paused before adding, “Since… you know… you can’t really do the confession with me.”

“Oh,” I merely said.

“It’s not that I don’t want you to,” he added hastily. “It’ll just be… difficult for me to confess to y— my crush if you’re performing with me.”

Daehyun was really nice. He didn’t want me to feel upset about him not wanting me to interfere with his confession. I could feel the corners of my eyes prickling and I turned away so that he didn’t have to see that I was deeply affected by this.

“Sure, I guess,” I muttered.

Daehyun didn’t speak anymore and we resumed our silence. I thought hard about my situation. Daehyun was so obviously in love with someone else that it felt useless for me to continue with this helpless experiment. But I couldn’t stop; I know it seems practical and much more reasonable for me to discontinue this project, but for some reason, I couldn’t stop this – my heart wouldn’t let me. Maybe it was just some selfish desire within me, still waiting in vain hopes for something to go wrong with his confession, to still want to claim Daehyun until he was fully taken.

Daehyun got up a couple of minutes later and stretched. He turned to me with a soft smile on his face that sent a nervous fluttering to ensue in my stomach; it wasn’t fair.

“Ready to continue our run?” he asked.

I shrugged nonchalantly. I know I was being stupid and acting like a brat for sulking and giving him the cold shoulder when it wasn’t his fault for falling for someone else, but I couldn’t help it. Daehyun looked slightly hurt, but he didn’t say anything. I got up and we started pacing together.

We went on for fifteen minutes, my tummy still churning from the morose disappointment I felt as a result of our recent talk about Daehyun’s crush. We turned into a narrow, winding road of a quiet neighbourhood – it was a very tranquil run and I felt some of my sadness ebb away when I viewed the calm, traditional houses lined up in pretty masses. It was a struggle trying to get across the uneven, rocky ground, but I enjoyed it. I realised that once I’d gotten past the initial stage of fatigue and pain, running was actually quite liberating.

We jogged for fifteen more minutes, leaving the pretty neighbourhood and entering a forestry trail. It was hilly, and I struggled to keep up. The lactic acid in my legs gave an agonising shot of pain every time my feet hit the ground. I had to stop eventually. Daehyun whipped around once he saw me stop and double over. He rushed over to my side.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah… I just…” I was extremely nauseous. My stomach heaved and my throat was constricting – I was in discomfort. “Feel like vomiting.”

At this, Daehyun crouched down, bringing his face close to mine. His face was lined with worry.

“Take deep breaths. Just let it out if you’re feeling really uncomfortable. Don’t hold it in,” he advised.

I could smell his woody scent and it helped me steady myself. I guess Daehyun could make me feel grounded. But my body was still in discomfort and I ended up lurching my rather hearty breakfast onto the forest ground in front of Daehyun. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten two rolls of sausage, scrambled eggs and two pancakes twenty minutes before I started running. I was completely embarrassed after I’d puked everything out and tried to hide my face from Daehyun, but he reached for my chin and firmly held it still. I watched as he whipped a small, clean towel from inside his pocket and carefully dabbed the corners of my mouth with it. He then took his water bottle, uncapped it and held it to my lips. I parted them and let him feed me.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, twice as embarrassed now, at his special treatment. “And sorry about that.”

“I should be the one who’s sorry.” He seemed angry with himself. “I shouldn’t have forced you to strain yourself like that.” He looked at me, his eyes sad. “I’m sorry for not being able to take care of you, Jae.”

“No, no,” I flushed. This had nothing to do with him. It was all due to my stupid decision of eating a heavy breakfast right before I ran. I should’ve known better. “I had a heavy breakfast. Don’t blame yourself, please.”

He opened his mouth, seemingly wanting to retort me, but thankfully, he let the matter rest.

“Can you stand?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t severely handicapped. I stood up – Daehyun holding onto my arm while I did so. While I wanted to show him that I was perfectly fine, I admit I rather liked having him hold me. His hand remained there.

“We’ve still got quite some distance to go and it’s a rather steep hill. Tell you what, get on my back.”  He let go and turned around.

“W-what?” I sputtered.

“Go on, I’ll piggyback you,” he said.

“I- I can’t—”

“C’mon, Jae,” he urged. “I really want to show you the top of this hill.”

“We can walk.” I was blushing really hard right then. I had never imagined being piggybacked by Daehyun.

“You’re not walking. You just vomited, Jae, you need rest.” He turned back to me and his expression was firm. It was rather cute, actually, how his lips pouted slightly. I might have accidentally let a smile slip on my face at how he was being overly-concerned about me.

“But…” I tried to reason. “You’ll be tired.”

“Don’t worry about me.” His eyes grew soft. “My stamina’s really good.” He flexed his biceps, making me laugh, and then smiling when he saw that I was laughing.

“Alright,” I conceded finally. “But let me warn you – I’m very heavy. Just drop me whenever you’re tired.”

Daehyun beamed. He turned around and bent down, letting me hop onto his back.

“You’re not heavy at all,” he laughed as he hoisted me higher up his back, his hands securely grabbing the back of my thighs. I responded with a nervous laugh. My stomach felt like it was going to explode from nervousness as I felt the curve of Daehyun’s back fit snugly into my chest.

“You should hold on tighter,” said Daehyun.

I’d been precariously gripping Daehyun’s shoulders, trying to leave some space between us. At his instruction, however, I tentatively wrapped my arms around his shoulders, across his chest. I felt my chest press against his back and prayed hard that he wouldn’t be able to feel my heart pounding extremely fast against my ribcage. He started walking.

It was a very pleasant walk, though half the pleasure was being so close to Daehyun. But the sparse forest also made it very nice. I suppose it can’t really be called a forest but a small collection of trees littering the areas which were not paved by walkways and stairs. The path we were on was a forest trail, though it was wide and cleared out, winding up the small hill so as to provide a rather gentle, yet slightly-challenging incline for joggers. The morning mist and cool temperature only added to the peaceful atmosphere we were in. I kept asking Daehyun if he was alright with carrying me, and he always replied with a pleasant “yes”. I suppose he lied when he said I wasn’t heavy, for his pants started getting louder, but he never faltered in his strong footsteps as he brought us closer to the low peak.

We reached it eventually, a low mist surrounding us and brushing against our faces with a nice chill. Daehyun gently set me down, and I stood, mouth agape, staring at the view I hadn’t expected from this small hill. It was a very low hill, and thus, we couldn’t really see beyond the small neighbourhood that surrounded us, but it was a beautiful sight nonetheless. The uniform houses gleamed under the orange glow of the sunrise, which casted shadows over the grey concrete that weaved in between the houses. The vibrant colours of the neighbourhood were intensified – the reds, yellows and blues painting a very warm picture; it felt homely. In the distance, we could see the city, with its metropolitan buildings shrouded by the same cool morning mist we were bathed in. The sunlight bounced off the buildings’ sharp edges and smooth mirrors, and filtered through the mist to give a very dreamlike glow.

“I never knew such a beautiful place existed in Seoul,” I whispered as my gaze swept across the scenery, where modern and traditional coexisted in a stunning display.

“It’s worth getting away from the city sometimes,” said Daehyun softly.

I turned to him and saw that he was looking at me with a soft smile on his face. He almost looked affectionate. I turned back, the look he was giving me was making me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

“The view,” I continued. “I love it.”

“I’m glad you enjoy it.” Daehyun had moved closer to me – I could smell his woody cologne. “I’ve been wanting to show you this. This place is magical. I sometimes come here to muse over things, to just talk to myself and spill my secrets out to the nature surrounding me.”

“Secrets?” I turned to him in interest.

He smiled and looked at the scenery. “Yeah. I don’t have a lot, but the few I have, pretty much no one has heard of them. Well…” He eyed me from the corners of his eyes. “Except you.”

“Me?” I asked in shock. What did I know?

“Yeah, you know one of them. About my family.” He bit his lip and frowned slightly. I could tell he was still uncomfortable talking about it.

“What other secrets do you have?” I asked in an attempt to shift the topic away.

“Well, I have two more. I’ll tell you one of them in due time. The other…” he trailed off.

“The other?” I prompted.

“You’ll know,” he turned to me and I was surprised to see that he’d turned red. “On the day of the talent show.”

“The talent show?” I asked, confused.

“Yes.” He blushed even harder and started kicking the pebbles on the ground.

I would’ve found it cute, if not for the sinking disappointment that had just erupted in my chest.

“Is… is this about the identity of your crush?” I muttered.

“Yes.” Daehyun bit his lip and seemed unable to look at me. I just stared at him desolately, wishing he hadn’t brought up the topic of his crush, for I now felt upset, like my happy little bubble had just burst.

I’m not sure I’m looking forward to knowing that secret.

“So anyway,” Daehyun cleared his throat. “What about you?” he asked.

“What about me?”

“Do you have any secrets?”

Yes, Daehyun, I do have secrets. Or rather, a secret – I like you.

When I didn’t say anything, he pressed on, though rather hesitantly, “Do you… like anyone?”

He his lips and I flushed, flustered. Oh god, of all questions, why did he ask me that question? I tried to rack my brain for an answer, but I panicked and blurted out, “Yes.”

“Oh, you— you do?” Daehyun looked extremely surprised. I bit my lip and nodded; no point lying now that I’d let the cat out of the bag.

“I— I see.” His face fell and that little frown appeared again; his lips pouted and his eyebrows furrowed. "I… didn’t expect that.”

We remained silent for a while before he muttered to himself, “Now that just made everything more complicated.”

I was confused – I didn’t know what Daehyun was talking about, nor why he was so upset. I didn’t say anything, however, for I didn’t want him to probe any further because my crush was indeed him and it would be disastrous for him to know – especially when he liked someone else.

“Who is it?” he eventually asked, and I grimaced a little as I thought hard of how I could get around that one.

“It’s complicated,” I said lamely.

“Your crush is complicated?” he asked, a little confused.

“No— I mean, yes— I mean—” I mentally slapped myself. Why was I so tongue-tied? “The situation is complicated.” Gosh, Youngjae, was that really the best you could do?

“Oh… is it Himchan?” asked Daehyun.

“No.” Daehyun really seemed to have it in for Himchan, for some reason.

“Is it a girl?”

“No, it’s a boy.” Daehyun wouldn’t judge me for liking boys, since he likes one too.

There was a pause as Daehyun seemed to collect himself. “Do you like him a lot?”

“I—” I didn’t know how to answer that question in front of him. “Yes, I like him a lot,” I confessed. I’m sure my face was as red as a tomato then.

Daehyun looked strangely crestfallen. “What would you do if…” He hesitated before continuing, “Someone other than your crush confessed to you?”

I was put off by his question. What was he talking about? Someone other than Daehyun confessing to me? Who would even like me?

“What do you mean?” I frowned.

“Nothing,” he hastily said and shifted his gaze away.

It was slightly awkward after that, but we still enjoyed each other’s company. I could detect a hint of sadness in Daehyun’s features, however, and I wondered if I’d said anything to upset him. We started making our way down when it was nearing noon and was becoming too hot for us to stay there. I could feel the occasional warmth sting the back of my neck as we made our way down, the sparse trees only providing the occasional shade. Perspiration dripped down my temples and my neck. We walked home, after mutually agreeing that we’d done enough running for the day. My calf muscles were starting to ache, but I relished in it. It felt strangely rejuvenating having ran the morning away. I felt fresh and ten times more alert than I normally would have been.

Daehyun walked me home, even though I insisted that he should go home and rest. He argued that he wasn’t tired at all and that it made him happy to walk me home. He’s giving me conflicting feelings, dear diary, for I don’t know if I should feel elated at times like this because he’s being so undeniably sweet, or if I should feel despondent that I’m going to lose him to someone else. He intensified these rivalling emotions by placing a hand on my cheek, gently wiping a lone drop of sweat off my cheekbone. I froze as my mind erupted into a frenzy of thoughts, most of them recurring questions like, “What should I do?”

His hand left my cheek all too soon and his smile blended into one of sadness again as he sighed and said, “But you like someone.”

He left after bidding me goodbye, glancing back once and shooting me another smile that had me rooted to the spot, hoping for another glance back and perhaps, another smile. I am very infatuated with him, and it’s making me distressed, confused, helpless and angry at myself. Today has been a flurry of emotions, and despite all the lows I’ve felt, I’m still immensely happy I got to spend my morning with Daehyun. I can’t help but feel selfish for wanting to claim him as mine. It’s making me miserable that I probably won’t ever get to do that, but I can’t stay away from him, I’m too taken by him to save myself that huge disappointment that I know is coming. The boy he likes is seriously lucky and I’m very much jealous of him.

Yours sincerely

Youngjae