Dear Diary

I want to be his friend. Technically, I am his friend. But I haven't actually asked him that question yet. Every day, I go to school, I sit with him during lunch, I become entranced by his laugh and I go back home. That's it. That's all we do. We just have lunch together and then resume our lives like normal. But I don't want that. I don't want to see him only during lunchtime. Call me deprived and desperate or whatever, but I actually want him as a part of my life. Is that too much to ask for? And yes, I meant that I want to be his friend; I want to hang out with him outside school as well; I want to text him and I want to be known to everyone as Jung Daehyun's friend. I just want to be as close to him as possible. Tell me, is that too much to ask for?

Four days ago, I sat at the cafeteria, pondering about the next plan which was to be initiated. It was Plan F: Friendship. I wanted to be his friend, to take this relationship to the next level. I no longer wanted to be his acquaintance, not just someone he spoke to or hung out with. I wanted to be his friend and be recognized as Daehyun's friend. 

I looked down at my watch. It was lunchtime but he was five minutes late. My fingers tapped impatiently on the surface of the table. I was getting unexpectedly nervous and I willed him to arrive faster. Where in the world was he?

I looked down at my watch again and sighed. Maybe he was just held back for a while. I decided to take a sip of my orange juice just so I could have something to do. Even so, while I had the straw brought to my lips, my eyes still flitted towards the entrance, trying to witness his arrival. My heart pounded in an unsteady beat and my stomach churned. I bit my lips as a nauseous feeling overcame me. I didn't know why I was being overly nervous but this was driving me nuts. And it's ridiculous. I mean, it's not like I was going to ask him out on a date or anything right? I was just asking him if he wanted to be my friend.

He still wasn't there. I sighed again, propping my chin on my hand and placing my elbow on the table. Fixing my face in the direction of the entrance, I secured my stare at it. 

My gaze never wavered, unless it was to check the time. Soon, I began to get tired of waiting for him and as I checked my watch again for the nth time, I realised that two-thirds of lunchtime had gone by. Running my fingers frustratingly through my hair, I wondered if he was ever going to appear. He couldn't be absent. Heck, I just saw him that morning in math class. He was there, sitting by the window and doing his sums. He was there, I saw him.

I stared down at my untouched apple pie. If he was in school, why hadn't he come down for lunch? Was he avoiding me? Or did he have something that suddenly popped up? I didn't know and it was so frustrating to not know. I wanted a reason and a solution but I wasn't getting any because I didn't know.

I turned my gaze back to the entrance. My eyes suddenly lit up and my mouth was already forming his name when the blonde guy turned and everything just dropped. My heart sank. It wasn't him. I'd mistaken some blonde dude for Daehyun. Turning back to look at my hands, I felt my spirits sink and my hope being diminished. Where was he? Where was he? That thought ran multiple laps around my mind, until I almost became dizzy.

Why was I being so emotional over him? I mean... It wasn't like I hadn't seen him for a long time or anything. I'd just seen him that morning but I still felt so agitated when he didn't come down for lunch. It nearly drove me mad. 

I glanced at my watch one more time and the bell rang just at that moment. My heart felt heavy. He never failed to come down to the cafeteria... never. Ever since I'd invited him to sit with me during lunch, he always appeared... always. Until that day; that day when he just magically disappeared and left me all by myself, anxious and distraught.

I dragged myself to class. I'd already checked my timetable and realised that I wouldn't be having any more classes with him. Why was I feeling depressed? Why was my heart aching? Why was I only thinking of him?

Even chemistry wouldn't get him out if my mind. I had to sit through the entire lesson, disregarding what the teacher was saying and just think about what could've possibly happened to him. I chewed on the end of my pencil, looking down at the equations I was supposed to form. My mind was empty of chem and was rather replaced with Daehyun. A sudden unusual flop occurred in my stomach and I clutched it. It felt like my guts were churning; like they were mourning for him as well. I didn't like this feeling and I blamed it entirely on the extremely hot weather. I asked the teacher for permission to go to the nurse and he gave it to me, not before giving me a concerned look.

I sprinted all the way there, clutching my stomach as it felt like it was going to drop to my feet. What's more, my heart was as heavy as lead and it was aching badly. I needed a cure for this horrible disease I was having... whatever it was.

I entered the nurse's office and told her all the symptoms I was having. She didn't seem to believe me as she said that I looked completely fine. But after I begged her to check my temperature, she finally did. However, my temperature turned out to be completely normal. I looked at the figures, dumbfounded. I requested for her to retake my temperature and she seemed really pissed by then. 

She told me to go back to class or she would report me to the principal's office. I started pleading with her, telling her that I felt like dying and I didn't think I could tolerate for the rest of the day. She wiped her brow in frustration and frowned down at me. 

Truthfully, I don't know why I was so persistent or why I felt like that. I wasn't feeling myself at all. I've never felt so desperate to just curl up in my bed nor have I felt so depressed and miserable over a boy. Never. 

And I think I cried then. Right there at the office. I never cry. Never. But as I was telling the nurse my sorrowful tale, my chest suddenly constricted and my heart couldn't take the pain anymore. A few drops of tears squeezed out of my eyes. The nurse looked shocked. And in an instant, her eyes changed. She no longer looked at me coldly anymore, her gaze softened and she patted my shoulder.

She murmured something about school and stress. I didn't bother correcting her; I was too overwhelmed with my own depression. She led me to a seat and gave me a warm cup of water. Then, she proceeded with telling me that I could call home if I wanted to; to ask my parents to pick me up from school if I really felt like I couldn't continue.

I told her I would call home and she handed me the phone. I dialled my house number and counted the number of rings before my mum picked up.

I told her how I needed to get back because I was really ill and I felt nauseous and stuff. She got really concerned and I kind of regret telling her that because I didn't want my mum to worry. She told me she would come and pick me up ASAP and that I was to wait there.

I hung up and sighed. Looking at the steam rising from the cup, I thought about how worried my mum sounded. In all my seventeen years of life, I have never called home because I was sick since I hardly fall sick. Neither was I absent from school occasionally. It was very rare of me to skip school because of an illness. 

So my mum hearing me call home and telling her I was sick should very well make her worry because as far as everyone knows, education outweighs my health for me.

But this was different.

I've never felt like this before. It doesn't really affect me physically; it affects me emotionally and mentally. And I don't think I will be able to concentrate in class because my mind is simply refusing to think of anything but him. I took a small sip from my cup. What was he doing now?

My mum came to pick me up and as soon as I stepped into the car, she shot me a train of questions I was unable to answer.

Questions like, "How are you feeling?", "Where does it hurt?" and "What happened to you?" left me speechless because I didn't even know the answer myself.

I think my IQ is dropping. Is it even possible for it to drop? But I feel like I'm not as smart as I used to be. I have so many unanswered questions and its leaving me in distress. I can't bear having problems unsolved. Usually, I would find solutions to all my problems but ever since Daehyun came into my life, I keep facing questions I can't answer.

My mum parked the car and I rushed all the way up to my room, locking my door, flinging my backpack on some chair and diving into my bed. I grabbed my pillow and buried my face in it, covering my head with blankets.

And I screamed. I screamed and I cried. I wanted to get that feeling out of my chest; that gripping feeling and the worry. I wanted to know so desperately why he didn't come down for lunch. Did he hate me? What happened to him? Was he alright?

So many questions. Yet again, no answer.

I stayed there, in my bed, for what seemed like an hour before I got up slowly and sat in front of my computer, turning it on.

I opened up the file that contained Daehyun's records and looked at his hand phone number as well as his house number. I grabbed my phone out of my bag and had already typed in his number when my thumb hovered over the 'call' button. I hesitated and for the first time that day, thought carefully.

It wouldn't do me good to just call him up like that. I would have to explain to him how I got his number and I wouldn't want to do that. I just sat there for a long time with my thumb right over the 'call' button. Could I text him? But that wouldn't make any difference. Maybe I could call his house phone so that he wouldn't be able to track my number. But wouldn't it be weird if some random person called you up and asked you why you weren't at the cafeteria during lunch that day? 

No. Too creepy.

I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling my head pound a bit. I didn't know what to do. I finally came to a decision, after staring at his number for about fifteen minutes. I wasn't going to call him. I was going to wait till the next day and ask him what happened to him. So I pressed cancel... Or so I thought.

"Oh ," I cursed when my screen said 'Dialling...' I covered my mouth right after, shocked that I had actually cursed out loud. It wasn't until a few seconds later did it sink in that I was actually calling Daehyun's hand phone.

It was too late though. As soon as the realization sank in, an unmistakeable faint voice, which belonged to Daehyun, answered, "Hello?"

I stared at my phone, stunned as I didn't know what to do.

"Hello?" The voice repeated itself, louder this time, and there I was, holding the phone two feet away, staring down at it.

"Who is this?" 

Nervously, I held the phone to my ear. I could hear Daehyun breathing on the other side and squeaked a timid, "Hello."

"Hello? I can't hear you." he said.

I gulped.

*click*

I hung up. 

I placed the phone next to my pc and leant back against my chair. I couldn't fathom what had just happened. I called Daehyun accidentally and he answered. 

I swivelled around and buried my face in my palms. If anything, hearing his voice made me more desperate to find out what had happened to him. Truthfully, if I weren't afraid of being told that maybe he had grown to despise me, I might have actually called him without hesitation.

I got up from my seat and went back to my bed, this time, plopping myself on it and falling fast asleep. 

I slept through to the next day and woke up feeling thoroughly exhausted with all the emotional trauma I felt the previous day. I got up from bed and found out that my heart was still feeling heavy. I sighed and hoped that that day would be better.

I arrived to school, and the first thing I did was to go to Daehyun's locker. He wasn't there yet. I waited for him in front of his locker, hoping fervently that he would be present that day. That he would come up to me and tell me with a smile his reason for skiving off lunch the previous day. I wanted to him to reassure me and maybe, I could continue with Plan F.

But he didn't come. The bell rang, class had already started, I told myself to stay in the corridor for one last time just to ensure that he wasn't late. But he didn't come. He never did. I didn't see him in class and with a sinking feeling, I confirmed to myself that he was indeed absent that day.

As well as the next day. And the next. And the next.

Until, today. It's Friday and I'd actually given up all hope on him coming to school. It was because he had been absent for three days... Minus the day he mysteriously disappeared halfway during school.

I was taking my books out of the locker, sighing when my arms were laden with heavy books. I'd been dreading going to school because... it just seemed so pointless going there when he was not present. I shut my locker door and squeezed my eyes shut.

No. I couldn't start thinking such things. I love school. And I attend it every day because I want to be educated... Not because I want to sit beside some boy during lunch.

But even so, it still felt like there was something missing when he wasn't around. And I disliked that. I want him to be with me all the time. It might not be possible now... But I can make it happen.

Someone else shut their locker a few doors next to mine. Absentmindedly, I turned to my right. To my surprise however, I saw Daehyun standing in front of his locker, putting his books into his bag. I stood there, rooted to the ground as I simply couldn't believe what I was seeing. After being absent for a long time, he actually came back, standing there in the hallway like any other student.

Without a moment's hesitation, I walked over to him. As soon as Daehyun saw me, he flashed a small smile. 

I didn't smile at him. I just stared back at him and after a while, his smile disappeared.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I didn't know I was trembling then. All I knew was that Daehyun was in front of me, he was whole, and he was okay. But I needed to know what happened.

"Why did you suddenly disappear on Monday?" and after a moment's hesitation, I added, "You were supposed to sit with me during lunch."

Daehyun looked into my eyes and something flashed across his brown orbs. I didn't catch what it was so I tried to trace it again but I couldn't. He had concealed it.

"Something cropped up at home. And I had to leave. Sorry." 

That was it. A simple excuse, a simple reason and a straightforward apology. However, something told me it wasn't the case. He didn't mention the other three days when he went missing. I decided to drop the subject however. I was already quite relieved as he didn't seem like he hated me.

I cleared my throat, there was something that needed to be said. At the sound of me clearing my throat, Daehyun looked up expectantly.

"Daehyun..." I started, feeling nervous all of a sudden.

He waited for me to say whatever I wanted I say and after a while, I finally found the courage to do that. "Do you want to be my friend?"

I waited tentatively for an answer. Daehyun raised an eyebrow and gave me a half-smile. "Aren't we already?"

But I want more. "I just want to confirm you know. Get a proper answer."

Daehyun's smile got wider and eventually, he was laughing. "You're really... unique you know?" he said.

By unique, I think he meant weird.

I didn't answer however; I was still awaiting an answer. He looked at me and grinned, "Yes, Youngjae. I do want to be your friend."

This time, I smiled back at him. Plan F has been accomplished. Taking a step towards him, I whipped out my phone and told him to give me his number.

Daehyun laughed again and took it from my grip. He keyed in his number and handed it back to me, smiling. While he was keying in his number however, I was keeping down a smile. I already knew his number but he didn't know that. I thanked him for giving me his number just as the bell rang. We walked to our first class, Physics, together. 

On the way, I got too excited and told him that now that we were friends, we would carry out the necessary steps to securing our friendship. We could do everything friends did like hanging out after school, going to each other's houses and texting each other. Daehyun was laughing the whole way, for some unknown reason. And I had a feeling he was laughing at me.

"What are you laughing at?" I asked him.

"Nothing," he replied.

"Well, like I said, we can go to each other's house because that's what friends do. What do you think of it?" I turned to him.

"Mm... Maybe," he said quietly.

"We have to! It's a necessary step!" I exclaimed.

"Why do you keep referring to everything as steps and experiments?" 

I kept quiet and thought really deeply on that one. Maybe it was because I see everything as experiments. Or maybe I just want to be systematic. I don't know. This is another question I can't answer.

"I don't know," I replied, feeling ashamed to be saying those three words. 

Daehyun chuckled. I love his laugh. It's sounded so peaceful and sincere. His smile was sincere too.

"Youngjae."

"Hmm?"

He turned to me and I got awestruck by his perfect features. He's just so perfect; he's not human.

"I think it's going to be fun being your friend."

I felt lightheaded all of a sudden and could only stare back at him.

"You never fail to make me laugh," he gave one last laugh before turning around and entering the class.

I stood at the doorway, just staring off into space as I thought about what he had told me. I don't get it. His compliments always seem to make me feel a little dizzy. Like I've been floating up high on cloud nine. And like I drank strawberry champagne. I don't get it. What was in his words that made me feel that way? It wasn't anything special. I mean, I get compliments all the time from my teachers, saying how smart I am and stuff. But it never really made me feel this happy.

I'm so confused and I feel strangely giddy. Like a fan girl meeting her idol for the first time. Oh no... Please don't tell me I'm turning into a girl. Though that would be technically impossible. My anatomy is already male so...

What am I talking about? It's strange that I can't seem to stop smiling at the thought of him. And it's strange how I'm feeling so high right now when I was just down in the dumps last night. 

I need to get this fuzzy feeling off my chest. I'm going to the doctor's first thing tomorrow.  

Yours sincerely

Youngjae