Even though I love you, I should hate you.

For making my friend cry and fight between us, I shouldn't like you anymore.

And yet, I love you so much.

I love you even though you hate me.

Inspiration ß 99% Cacao (manga) by Yoshioka Ririko

...xXx...

"Sooyeon!" came the familiar shout. i turned around, just in time to be roughly hugged by Miyoung who was carrying a large bag, easily twice her size. I gestured to the bag.

What's in there?

"Snacks!" she eagerly answered, smiling brightly. I frowned. 

"Leave a few behind," I scolded, looking through them.

"But it's our first school trip! And we're fourth-years now too!" she pointed out, pouting. I chuckled at her eagerness. 

"The trip is still considering us third-years," I pointed out. We had graduated into fourth-years, that was true, but this trip was actually postponed from last year. Therefore, as far as the trip information was concerned, we were still third-years. I pulled a few snacks and other things out, raising an eyebrow. I held up a gameboy.

What is this?

"It's entertainment!" Miyoung boldly declared as we began to squabble.

"That's her right?" an unhidden whisper muttered behind me.

"Choi Sooyeon," another confirmed just as loud. "She said such mean things to Niel; I heard she even cursed him."

"What? No way! I heard he bowed down to her."

"I heard she was the one rejected and is playing victim for guys."

Suddenly, my mind wasn't on the argument.

"Those girls," Miyoung growled, standing up while cracking her knuckles. I put a hand on her shoulder and shook my head.

It's not worth it.

"But it's all because of that, all these fake bit-"

She quickly changed words, seeing my look.

"-bunnies that these rumors are going around," Miyoung pouted, using wild hand gestures. I gave a soft smile and shrugged.

It's fine.

Miyoung frowned but said nothing. I sighed.

"I thought it'd die down over summer," I mourned, sighing as we organized her bag. "But ever since the trip was announced to be mixed grade-"

"Niel! Let's light fireworks at the camp," a girl squealed, cutting off my sentence. 

"Don't want to," Daniel stubbornly denied. My hand stopped moving at the sound of his voice as memories flooded me - times running, times in the 'secret base,' times sneaking away from the teacher, just times with each other...and my heart fell, like so many other times when I knew the hope I held was fake.

Since that day, girls had been flying towards him, reaching to 'comfort' him and yet he never accepted a single one. I wasn't sure why. Half of me wanted it to be because he had gone back to normal, before we had met and still open for Miyoung's target, and yet the other half of me hoped it was because he didn't want them - becuase he still wanted me.

"Ah then should we do it together?" another girl attempted. 

I didn't look in their direction.

"All of you are annoying!" Daniel shouted, making the air heavy and silent. I could feel something burn my head - glares of girls? his stare? I couldn't tell. Before long, quick footsteps let me know he had walked away.

Miyoung said nothing but continued to pack, organizing it in silence.

A few seconds later, I helped too.

There was nothing I could do about it so I should have let go, for Miyoung...

And yet I can't.

-oOo-

The bus was rowdy, filled with laughter, shouts, and teachers desperately trying to control the raging excitement. Miyoung and I were silent, sharing an ipod between us. The light words lingered over us as we split her snacks in silence.

"Hey Sooyeon?" Miyoung called softly, breaking my train of thought. Seeing me look, she continued. "...About Niel...are you still angry?"

"He lied," I pointed out though the excuse sounded hollow even to my ears so I continued. "He lied and said he was 'Jonghyun.' If he had said he was 'Niel,' I would have immediately known he was the one you liked." 

Miyoung was silent for a moment.

"...I wonder why he lied," she pondered aloud. Immediately, the two of us glanced off at a diagonal in front of us where Daniel was sitting, Jonghyun and Byunghun beside him as the three laughed together. 

"Sooyeon...About Niel I..." she trailed off, as if thinking of her words.

"I'll support you two," I muttered, giving the best smile I could muster. "So don't worry about me and go for him. Besides, we should enjoy the trip just like you said before."

She gave me a weak smile back, making me wonder why my reassurance wasn't enough.

"Yeah."

-oOo-

"To hike up the mountain, you'll all be split into groups of four, one from each grade," the teacher shouted, trying to be heard over the large expanse. "I'll be announcing your groups now!"

I prayed.

"Group 1! Choi Jonghyun! Choi Sooyeon! Ahn Daniel! Lee Byunghun!" 

It failed.

Pushing past the crowd, the four of us gathered with me as the lone female.

"Lee Byunghun, fourth year," the lone blond of the group greeted with a laidback but good-natured grin. "Back in America, they called me L.Joe."

"Choi Sooyeon, third year," I introduced, giving a nervous smile. "Nice to meet you."

"Ahn Daniel, second year," he muttered, not making eye contact. "Call me Niel."

"Choi Jonghyun, first year," the final one of our group, the real Jonghyun, returned the greeting, giving a small, almost shy and yet defiant smile. "I usually go by Changjo."

His eyes matched mine.

"Ah, you were the noona who visited my classroom before," Jonghyun recognized, giving a larger smile, as if I had done something to amuse him.

"Y-Yeah," I confirmed, giving him a smile back. "...Let's get started?"

The group nodded and we walked up the mountain, still awkward with each other.

-oOo-

Byunghun-sunbae and Jonghyun-goon kept the air loud with chatter and Daniel occasionally joined in, but there was still an air of awkwardness that coated the group. We continued walking down the scenic road, talking about it to each other, but never quite addressing each other directly. Byunghun-sunbae and Jonghyun-goon moved quickly, quite eager, and Daniel and I moved faster to keep up.

The nearby forest was dense, filled with branches, birdcalls, and small rustling bushes, but was clear on the road mostly, leaving a beautiful sight to just stroll down. I sighed. It was beautiful and yet all I could do was pay attention to him beside me, moving gracefully. His every movement seemed to be magnified as his shadow danced over me, copying his every move. 

The eldest and youngest eagerly shouted when they spotted something ahead, some animal I could make out, and ran after it.

"Ah! Byunghun-sunbae! Jonghyun-goon! Don't stray off the path!" I shouted at them, alarmed at the quick speed they were disappearing. Hurriedly, I began to pick up the pace, pushing Daniel out of my mind for a moment, just as something caught on my shoes, sending me hurtling towards the ground. I hardly had a moment to panic before an arm caught me around the waist, thin, but strong and warm.

"Th-Thanks," I stuttered nervously, glancing up at Daniel's face. His eyes lingered on me for a moment longer before he let go. A glint on his finger caught my eye, a ring I noted nervously, admiring (ø).

"Welcome," he mumbled just as softly, the two of us no longer worrying about Jonghyun-goon and Byunghun-sunbae as we were both trying to hide our red faces from the returning two.

-oOo-

"Here looks like a good place to stop for lunch," Byunghun-sunbae noted, looking around. He looked at the rest of the group, smiling. "Close to the camping site and pleasant weather, shall we?"

"Let's," I shortly agreed, setting my bag down and pulling out a blanket to sit on. Immediately, Byunghun-sunbae moved to help me, setting his own bag down.

"I'm starving," Jonghyun-goon declared with agreement, quickly sitting down and pulling out his lunch. He looked up. "Come on Niel-hyung. Let's eat."

"Oh, yeah," Daniel agreed, snapping out of his reverie and taking a seat farthest from me. 

The atmosphere was silent but somehow pleasant, as if some of the awkwardness had peeled away. The area was something out of a movie, green grass and flowers for what seemed to be forever with a cliff overlooking a small riverbed. I looked over the group, amazed at the boys' amazing appetites, already done and packed myself, before my attention was caught on a nearby, blue butterfly (ø). I stuck my hand out and waited patiently, calm and still as if I were a statue.

The butterfly came nearer, slowly and suspiciously, first landing on some flowers nearby, surveying the situation. The blue insect lingered around my finger nervously before finally landing, its feet slowly moving about my finger, exploring. 

Ever so slowly I brought my finger closer to me, letting the butterfly brush against my cheek with its wings. The butterfly took to the air for a moment, startling me, but settled in my hair, basking in the sunlight. I smiled, feeling at peace as the butterfly flapped its wings, making small breezes against my hair.

A sudden gust blew, throwing my hair into my face as the butterfly flew off, fluttering with the wind. I put a hand up, blocking the flying strands from my eyes, surprised.

"Wow," a whisper broke behind me. I froze, having forgotten I was alone. I glanced nervously at their awestruck faces, already feeling the heat climb my cheeks.

"You ever done model work before?" Byunghun-sunbae asked, camera in hand, obviously having taken pictures before. He gave a satisfied smile, waving his camera lightly, a newer model I could tell (ø). "You're a natural. I haven't taken such good pictures of people...well, ever."

He came closer, opening the camera screen eagerly.

"See? Look. Like straight off a fairy tale or a painting," he complimented, showing me the pictures.

And I was amazed.

He didn't catch my face fully in any of them, the sun glinting off or the angle wrong on purpose. The butterfly's blue wings were highlighted against the green grass and blue-grey sky. Though I knew that I wasn't ugly, I hadn't felt so...pretty before, looking at the way my hair swirled gently in the wind and the calming atmosphere. It was truly, as he said, something off of a fairy tale with the peaceful scene and the blue sundress I had worn even matched, and yet it was more realistic, as if one could reach out and pull me from the scene, like a painting.

I bit my lip.

"Can you...send me a copy of each?" I asked nervously, amazed as I took the camera carefully into my hands, feeling the weight as I looked through each picture.

"Does that mean I can keep them?" he questioned eagerly, eyes sparkling like a little child's. 

"If you want Byunghun-sunbae," I answered carefully, embarrassed by his enthusiasm. 

"Wow! Send me a copy too L.Joe-hyung," Jonghyun-goon broke in, wrapping an arm around me as he looked over my shoulder. I froze.

"Oh sorry," he earnestly apologized, immediately backing up. "I usually do that to my friends."

"Um...yeah," I murmured, sure that my face was red. "It's fine Jonghyun-goon."

"Wait! Don't call me 'Byunghun-sunbae,' " Byunghun-sunbae complained suddenly, frowning. He grinned. "Call me oppa at least."

I hesitated.

"I am older. Please?" he begged, making a heart above his head (ø). I blushed and even he found it embarrassing as he chuckled before collapsing on the blanket. "Ah! This is so embarrassing!"

"Byunghun-oppa," I mumbled suddenly, admiring his attempt. He sat up, grinning. 

"Can you say that again?" he asked brightly. 

"Byunghun-oppa," I repeated, hiding behind the camera.

"Ew! That's gross L.Joe-hyung," Jonghyun-goon teased, laughing. He turned to me. "And call me Changjo, just Changjo. Being called 'goon' doesn't suit me."

"Jonghyun," I tested instead.

"Close enough," he joked, smiling.

"And now since we're close, we are a family," Byunghun-oppa declared jokingly, giving a mischievious grin. "You are the mom and I'll be the dad. Jonghyun can be the grandpa."

"Gross L.Joe-hyung," Jonghyun teased again, tossing an empty water bottle at him. "We all know you'd be the grandma and I'd be the son. Niel-hyung would be the dad, right?"

"We should get moving soon," Daniel broke in, interrupting the 'family' talk as he nodded his head at the high sun. 

"Ah that's right," Byunghun-oppa agreed, getting up. He offered me a hand, but before I could take it, hands hooked under my arms and pulled me up. I looked up.

"Ah, th-thank you Daniel," I thanked, praying my face wasn't too red.

Why did he look at me like that?

Jonghyun handed me the folded blanket and I packed it again, the walk thus continuing, somehow much more comfortable than before, as if it hadn't been quite awkward in the first place. 

-oOo-

"I'll put these down here," Miyoung announced, putting a pile of plates on the counter. Dinner was barbeque and everyone was eagerly preparing. She leaned over my shoulder, sniffing the soup I was preparing.

"That smells great," she squealed, spinning around.

"Careful," I warned, knowing what had happened last time. She giggled before turning to me, taking a seat on the counter beside me. 

"You know, I've been meaning to tell you...I got a boyfriend over the summer," she admitted, giving a soft smile.

"Is that so?" I asked, my stirring slowing. 

"Yeah...You're too considerate of others sometimes. Ask Niel out without worrying about me. You like him right?" she pointed out, watching as I added pre-cut onions and carrots to the pot. 

"...It's fine," I denied, turning my head back to the recipe at hand. "Besides...he doesn't like me...I said something so horrible to him last year, I don't think he'll easily accept me."

"And that's why he's staring over here like a lunatic," she broke in, head turned towards the firepit where the boys were talking, joking, and gathering wood.

"I'm not falling for it Miyoung," I half-chided, readying mushrooms to cut. The very thought of him looking made my head spin and I forced the blush down. She sighed.

"Whatever you say. But I'm serious, Niel is-Oh my god! Sooyeon you're bleeding!" she screamed, startling everyone within range.

"It's not that big of a deal," I waved off, putting down the knife and surveying the small cut on my middle finger. It was slightly bleeding, but the fact that I had been distracted at his name injured my sanity more than the blood leaking from the wound. "This is nothing so don't draw too much atten-"

A hand grabbed my upper arm, pulling me backwards. The person swiveled me around, pushing the person using the sink away and trapping me against it, determined.

"Wash it," came the forceful order. I glanced up. Without trying, he towered above me though younger. The hands on the sink ledge inches from mine plus the inpenetrable gaze he gave as his body, also inches from mine, blocked my escape only emphasized the fact. I was acutely aware of the silence of the camp and the strong penetrating gaze he held my eyes in.

"Daniel," I called calmly. "I'm fine. It isn't that big of a deal."

"Wash it," he barked again, looking strangely tense. His knuckles turned white with strength against the sink and not wanting to fight, I did so. Once he was sure I wouldn't escape, he stepped back, watching me from afar. When I finished, drying my hands on a paper towel, conversation had begun again and Daniel came close again, taking my hand as he pulled out a band-aid. 

"Let me," I offered, all too aware of how his hand felt holding mine.

"It's fine," he shortly denied, wrapping it carefully, as if I'd break. He had brought my hand so close to his face for a moment I thought he'd kiss it, but he finished and pulled away, but also not letting go.

"Not bad for a person with hemophobia," Jonghyun teased, walking by. He wrapped his arm around Daniel, only shorter by a few inches, and ignored the stabbing glare Daniel threw at him. 

"Shut up," Daniel threw back, a smile lighting his face as he locked Jonghyun into a headlock, releasing my hand. I couldn't help the smile that crawled up my own face.

"I'll get back to cooking," I informed, moving past them before anyone could retort. Easily, I spotted Miyoung still at the counter, rolling her eyes and mouthing 'I told you so.' I shook my head at her antics.

That was nothing...wasn't it?

-oOo-

Dinner was just about done and the mood was at its high point, only laughter and excited conversation ringing out. The bonfire had been lit, illuminating the night with dancing sparks and lit lights. The sun was still setting and the stars were beginning to peek out, as if testing the sky as a kid would the waters of a pool.

I sat at the roots of one of the many trees, letting the flame's shadow flicker against my form. 

"Hey," a familiar voice called weakly.

"...Daniel," I acknowledged, nodding in his direction nervously.

"Can we talk?" he asked softly, barely heard over the giggles and shouts around the fire.

"Sure," I answered, nodding. He stood before offering me his hand, eyes piercing into mine.

I froze for a moment, enchanted by the way the light of the fire danced in his eyes, as if his gaze was the one on fire, before taking his hand, struck by how strong and yet gentle he was, careful to avoid the finger I was injured on. He pulled me up, a little too strong, making me bump against him and pull away quickly. I prayed my blush couldn't be seen against the red hues of the campfire as he froze, hand still wrapped around mine while his eyes stared unnervingly into mine.

"Daniel?" I called, breathless. He blinked, snapping out of his trance as he turned away, leading me in silence still hand-in-hand. And, quite honestly, I didn't mind - the feeling of my hand in his, the drifting and dying sound of the people behind us, the growing comfortable and yet palpable silence - I didn't mind at all. 

Before long, he let go of my hand and turned to me, and only then did I look around my surroundings, recognizing where we were - at the lunch site, moonlight shining down on the field. 

"Noona," he murmured, a whisper barely heard. A breeze swept by, swinging strands of my hair into my face while rustling the branches and hissing through the grass.

"Yes?" I answered, putting up a hand to brush back the strands. I looked elsewhere, anywhere but him, but more specifically at the moon; it reminded me of him and yet not at all at the same time. 

"Noona," he repeated more confidently. I turned to him, surprised as his own hand came up, pushing back a strand of hair behind my ear. His eyes were determined but soft.

"I like you."

My breath caught, shocked pleasantly and yet amazed at how much power he had over me; I was absolutely speechless, the words stuck in my throat. His hand lingered in my hair but quickly dropped to his side awkwardly.

"Noona...?" he wondered aloud, shifting from foot to foot. His eyes darted nervously past me, to my side, and then to my eyes again as he bit his lips. I took a step closer and reached out, wrapping my arms around his tall frame.

He understood as his arms reciprocated the embrace and I could nearly hear the bubbling happiness.

"I love you," he whispered again. My lips moved again.

"I love you."