Our friendship was fated long before I was ever born. My mother and their mother were not only childhood friends, but they were like sisters. They were inseparable from childhood to adulthood. They went to the same schools, hung out with the same group of friends and did everything together. They even planned their future ‘life after’ marriage together.

When they became adults and got married they decided on buying houses next to each other so that their children could grow up being childhood friends just like them. They even went as far as to say how great it’ll be if they could actually become family if their children were to get married one day.

How could I have avoided our meeting when it was already set in stone before my mom was even pregnant with me?

-----

“Omo. Omo. Victoria looks so pretty in her dress doesn’t she, Kris?”

“She looks like a girl. You look ugly.” The 4 year old Kris kicked my purple dress making it flip upwards. He let out a small snicker upon seeing my purple and white shorts under my dress. “UUUGGGGAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYYY.”

His mom slapped him on the back gently. “Stop that, Kris. You play nice now and don’t pick a fight with Victoria. I have to go greet people now so the two of you stay put and behave yourselves.”

I didn’t listen to his mother. I punched Kris in the face when she was far from our sight which made him fall to the ground. That’s what you get brat for calling me ugly I stuck my tongue out at him and then spoke, “you are the ugly one, you cry baby! Cry baby, cry baby. Kris is a cry baby.”

“I am not a CRY BABY you ugly unknown gender.” Getting up from the ground he punched me back. “No wonder the girls in class don’t want to be your friend. Your ugliness scares them.”

“You hit my face. YOU DARE TO HIT MY FACE.” Before I knew it the both of us were rolling on the ground pulling each other’s hair and kicking each other. After a few seconds of us rolling on the ground I felt like I had to make my move before the adults come and pull us apart. It was now or never, I told myself. I kicked him in the stomach really hard which made him scream then wail from the pain.

Hearing the screams both my parents and his parents came rushing over to see what was wrong. Seeing Kris on the ground crying his mom went to him and wiped his tears whereas my mom looked at me sternly. “Victoria, what happened here? Why did you hit him, young lady? Why are you and Kris always fighting every time you two see each other? Can’t you guys go one day without fighting with one another?”

“And you Siwon, why didn’t you stop them?” Their mother asked.

Siwon looked confused, “why are you blaming me? I was getting some food when I heard the screaming.”

“He started it.” I stared at Kris with hate. “He called me ugly so I punched him in the face.”

“15 minutes on the time out chair.” My mom pointed her fingers towards the stairs. I knew what that meant.

“But I…”

“No buts. Time out chair now, missy!”

“I hate you, you cry baby Kris.” I stared at him, whose face was grinning. I stomped away towards the stairs super mad at my mom and Kris. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. Even when he started it I always get in trouble. I hate Kris so much. He makes my blood boil. I’m going to get him back for this tomorrow. I’m going to show him some worms and make him run home crying to his mommy. “Stupid Kris. Scary cat Kris.” I muttered as I sat in the time out chair wiping away the tears that were slowly forming at the corner of my eyes.

After 10 minutes on the time out chair, which felt like forever, Siwon came into the room to tell me it was almost time for dinner. He walked towards me, wearing a smile. He patted my head gently and spoke sweetly, “don’t listen to what Kris said. I think you look very pretty in your dress.”

I looked at my dress that was covered in dirt and crumbs from food I had eaten earlier then at him. Pouting I asked with uncertainty “really? You really think so?”

He turned my chair which was facing the wall towards him. Kneeling down so that our eye levels are the same he smiled at me sweetly and brushed the crumbs off my dress. “Yes. You are very pretty, but only when you smile.” He then placed his fingers on the corner of my mouth pulling it upwards into a smile. “Smile. You look prettiest when you are smiling and happy.”

I smiled at him as I hit my thighs gently, “oppa, I am tired. My legs can’t walk. Can you give me a piggy back ride downstairs?” I giggled.

He eyed me suspiciously then a small smirk slowly crept on the corner of his mouth, “oh really now?”

Still giggling I nodded my head. “Yes, really!”

“Your wish is my command, princess.” Siwon knelt down on both knees allowing Victoria to climb on his back.

“Thank you, oppa. You are the best.” I wrapped my arms around his neck as he walked down the hall towards the staircase.

“You say that now, but it’ll change once you get a boyfriend and get married.” He pouted.

I giggled. “Never!”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” I turned his head a little with my hand and kissed his cheeks.

“What a wet kiss!” He joked which made me pout.

“A kiss from a princess is better than none at all.”

“I’ll take it.”

----

“Don’t you dare bully him you losers.” I ran towards the 6 year old Kris who was on the ground covered in dirt.

“Well, well. What do we have here? I was wondering when you’ll show up. You came here just in time to rescue your princess,” a chubby boy with a blue shirt wiped his nose with his hand.

“Shut up pig. You are always causing trouble and picking a fight with Kris. I bet you are just jealous that the girl you like doesn’t like you, but likes him instead. Well of course she’ll like him. He’s pretty, kind, and not fat.” Victoria stuck her tongue out at the boy with the blue shirt. “Not to mention your brain is the size of a monkey’s brain.”

The boy frowned then he furrowed his eyebrows in anger, “you take that back you tomboy. I don’t have a monkey brain.”

“Chubby has a monkey brain, monkey brain, monkey brain. Chubby has a monkey brain and he doesn’t use it at all.” Victoria sung at the top of her lungs as she danced around singing to the tune of ‘Mary had a little lamb’ with these lyrics.

The boys’ face turned red within a few seconds, “you take that back.” He charged at Victoria and pulled on her short hair. “You ugly hippo looking tomboy. I bet when you get older you won’t even find a person who will marry such an ugly person like you.”

Victoria stomped on his foot with her foot and elbowed him in the stomach as he pulled on her hair. Victoria bit him on the arm before she yelled “so what if I am ugly? At least I’m not as ugly as a pig like you. You have a death wish huh?” Victoria finally got one of her leg between his. She wrapped her leg around his and yanked at it until it made him fall to the ground with her landing on top of him. Sitting up, she pulled on his hair. “Saying I won’t get married. You sure have a death wish.”

The boy pushed Victoria off him, but she was still holding on to his hair. He couldn’t pull free from her grip so he pulled on her hair, “let go you brat.”

“No you let go!”

He pushed Victoria so hard she fell to the ground. “You dare to hit me? I’m going to get you.” Victoria charged at him, but before she could reach him Kris got up and pulled Victoria away from the kid when he heard yelling in the distance. “Yah! The grownups will be here soon. Let’s get out of here.”

“Let me just take a whack at him. Just let him hit him once more…no. No make it two more times. I just need to punch him two more times” Victoria wiggled Kris as he pulled her away.

“I’ll remember this Victoria Song. I’ll make you regret beating me up.” The boy yelled.

“I’ll be waiting you useless pig” Victoria yelled back.

Reaching the house Siwon stared at me and Kris with widen eyes as if he had seen a ghost. “What happened?” He walked towards us and touched our heads, face, arms and legs to see if we were okay. “I don’t see any injury on you Kris, but you need to shower before mom and dad gets home. I don’t want them to become worried. And you, Victoria, you!” He looked at me and frowned. “Come with me.”

Nodding my head slowly I knew exactly what those words meant as I followed him towards the bathroom. “It wasn’t…”

“Stop. Just stop.” He interrupted me before I could explain what had happened. He grabbed my hand and ushered me to walk faster.

Lifting me up and placing me on top of the bathroom countertop he opened the cabinet in search of band aids and disinfectant spray. Finally finding it he placed it on the counter beside me and began to put some disinfectant on a small cotton ball. “It’ll sting a little, but you have to endure it.” As he placed it on my knee he looked at my facial expression. Seeing me squint my eyes from the stinging and burning feeling the liquid was causing he pulled the cotton away and began blowing at the spot. “See what happens when you pick fights?”

“But I didn’t…”

“I don’t want to hear it Victoria” He interrupted my explanation again. He let out a long sigh and looked at me directly in the eyes.

“Can’t you just act like a girl for one day? Day after day you come home either covered in bruises, scratches or bleeding somewhere.” Taking another deep breathe he placed his hands on my cheeks. “Look at you. You are covered in dirt and scratches. Girls don’t…”

Before he could continue I interrupted him pouting and hurt by his words. I spoke in a stuck-up tone, “well sorry.” I glared at him “sorry I’m not the girly girl you had hope I’ll be. Sorry I like to pick fights and get covered in dirt. Sorry I’m not the little sister you always wanted.” I pushed his hand from my face. Who does he think he is telling me all these things? I hear it enough without him having to remind me.

He rubbed my arms and pulled me closer to him in an embraced. Hugging me, he began patting my back. “It’s not that I want you to become girly or that you aren’t good enough. I love you for who you are. I love you the way you are…it’s just…I wish who you are doesn’t involve you getting hurt. I get worried you know. You are always coming home with new marks on you and I don’t know who did this to you or what I can do to stop you from getting into fights.”

“Why don’t you give this lecture to Kris? Aren’t you worried about him too?”

“Of course I worry, but he doesn’t go around picking fights like you do. You jump at the chance to swing your fist and kick your legs, whereas Kris would only get hit or hit others if he has to. You do it for the fun of it.”

Thinking for a bit I let out a small giggle. “But it’s fun. I like beating up boys. I get to be the hero. I get to be the knight and shining armor to all the girls in class and to Kris. They even give me cookies when I defend them. And besides, todays’ fight was not my fault. It is that pig’s fault for hitting Kris first.”

Slapping his hand against my mouth gently he frowned. “Don’t call people names. That’s not nice.”

“But…”
“No buts. I don’t want to hear any excuses from you.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.” I Hugged Siwon tightly as I rested my head on his chest. He smells like shampoo. “You smell good, oppa.”

Siwon chuckled at the affectionate name. “Calling me oppa? You only call me oppa if you are up to no good.”

Pulling my head away from his chest I looked up at him and smiled at him sweetly. “Aren’t I always up to no good?”

Siwon smiled at me. “Yes you are. Yes you are.” Pulling away from me he continued to treat my wounds. “At least you know that much, Miss Song. You are always up to no good and causing havoc wherever you go.”

“But you love me this way” I smiled at him as I ruffled his hair. Stopping after a few seconds I looked at him and giggled at how messy I made his hair.

“Yes I do, my little trouble maker.”

---------

Things began to change before I even realize it. The tomboy in me wanted a change, but at the same time I wasn’t ready for a change. People around me were falling in love and talking about dating where as I, didn’t find the need to. Why should I fall in love? Was it so great that girls would jump at the chance just to be confessed to by the one they like? Even though I said all these things I was curious as to how love feels.

I was 10 years old and wondering if there was something lacking in me that other girls had and I didn’t. I wasn’t as eager as the other girls when it came to guys nor did I even care if a good looking guy walked by me. In my mind love and relationships were not only confusing, but something I didn’t think I wanted to be in. My friends would fall in love so easily with the first good looking guy that walked their way, but then they would talk about how good looking my childhood friends were and how they wouldn’t mind dumping their boyfriends for either Kris or Siwon. If this was what love was why bother falling if you aren’t even in it for the right reason?

To fall fast and to be hurt easily is the term I’d use for love. At age 10, I feel that every relationship would start out great, but end up in misery. Why start something and be happy just to end up crying your eyes out later on? Are all relationships like this? The theory of love was confessing yet intriguing at the same time.

This was another reason why I don’t know why people fall in love. My friends were all eager to fall in love only to cry their eyes out weeks or months later because they broke up with their boyfriends. I don’t know why people fall in love, but I will admit that I was envious of all the girls who had experience this thing called love. Was this feeling so great that even if they knew there will be pain later on they rather experience the pleasure of being in love even for a short moment than none at all? The curious side of me wanted to find out this unknown feeling called love, but my heart wasn’t ready.

I found myself staring at Siwon and Kris and their relationships with girls to find out what this thing called love was. To find out all the answers to my curiosity and that was where the mistake began.

“I always see you guys with a new girl every few weeks. Do you guys even like the girls you date?” I asked as I held onto the pillow tightly. I felt shy about the subject I just brought up. I never really show concern towards the subject of love so it feels slightly embarrassing to ask now. Especially when it regards my childhood friends since they have experience everything that I haven’t even come close to trying. I pretended to turn my attention towards the TV to hide my embarrassment, but in reality I was anticipating their reply.   

“If I didn’t why would I date them, dummy? You have to like them to want to date them” said Kris as he looked over at me. “A girl like you who has never been in love would never know what love is.”

“So what if I have never dated before?  It’s not like no one has ever asked me. I’ve been confessed to plenty of times,” I bluffed. It was true that I had been confessed to many times, but they were all girls. Just because I have short hair, wear boys clothing and loves to fight doesn’t mean I’m an actual boy.

“By who?” Kris eyed me suspiciously. I bet he could tell through my lies since I was never good at lying. “No one would confess to someone who looks like a boy.” He laughed as he spoke those last few lines.

“So what if I dress like a boy? At the end of the day, I still have a body of a girl and that’s all that matters.” I answered feeling defensive. Who was he to say those things to me? I looked over at him and rolled my eyes. I bet if I told all those heart fluttering girls who stalks him on a daily bases that Kris use to be a crybaby and whine over everything they wouldn’t believe me.

Kris has changed drastically in the span of one year. He has gotten taller. He has become more ‘handsome,’ in the words of all the girls around me and he isn’t a crybaby anymore. He isn’t scared of anything anymore which is kind of boring. I use to have fun showing him bugs to see him cry, but now he just fling it off my hands like it was nothing. He even began acting all cool and charismatic out of nowhere. His sweet words would make girls melt and it made all these girls in class act like fan girls around him, while it made me want to gag hearing him say it. These small changes in him made me feel like everyone around me is changing except me.

“Oh please. You are as flat as the wall weather it’s from the front view or back view. No guys like the idea of touching another guy, boardtoria” Kris teased.

His words made me boil with anger. It was true that I wasn’t as ‘up to standard’ as the other girls, but they hit puberty before I did. Once I reach that point I bet I’ll have some nice assets too…I hope. I better! I’ve been drinking plenty of milk and praying to god every night to give me a body that will make Kris bow down to me and to never call me a flat board again. I really hated the nicknames he gave me. Boardtoria. Flattoria. Walltoria. All these names are unflattering. “Not all guys are like you, Kris. There are other things guys look for in a girl besides s and a nice .”

“Not at this age,” Kris shook his head and scoffed. “If you do find someone who’s like that then they are probably gay or just lying to you.”

“Stop teasing her” said Siwon as he came around the corner with a plate of fruits. “I had cut up some fruits. Come and eat some.” Siwon was always good at keeping the peace between me and Kris. He was always the calm one whenever me and Kris fought or bicker. He was the only well-grounded and logical one.

After a few minute of silences between us I spoke in a shy tone, “I have a question…” I looked down at my pillow and played with it as I feel the red heat burning in my cheeks. I looked up at them and then looked down again feeling slightly nervous. They stared at me curious as to why I looked the way I did. The next few words were what began the start of my mistakes. “..What does…what does… love feel like?” I managed to ask. My words made the both of them choke on their fruit and turn towards my direction.

It wasn’t like me to be curious about love since I was always indifferent towards anything related to that word or the opposite , but god damn it I wanted to know. Everyone was experiencing it and I wasn’t. I couldn’t ask my other friends since they were always love crazy about Kris and Siwon and they’d probably just laugh at me for my silly question.

They stared at me for quite a while or what seems like quite a white before one of them finally spoke. “You are being weird” Kris stared at me. I felt like I was being observed. “What’s up with you and the sudden interest in love and all these questions today? You never took interest before.”

“I don’t know…” I continued to play the pillow in my hand. I looked up at them to see them staring at me intensely. I am not a shy person, but for some reason asking these sorts of questions made me nervous. After a few more seconds of looking at them I looked back down. “I’m just feeling curious about it. That’s all.”

“You’re too young to date” said Siwon. His words were simply and to the point yet it made me mad.

“How come Kris can date, but I can’t?” I asked. The tone of my voice was icy. I didn’t understand how Siwon could be so unfair towards me. Usually Siwon would always be fair and logical one, but right now he’s not being fair to me.

“Because I said so.” He looked over at me then took a bite of his apple.

Before I could say rebutted him, Kris spoke. “I already told you. There’s no one out there who would like a tomboy like you so there’s no point of being curious” Kris said as he turned his attention back towards the television.

The way he spoke made me feel as though he knows something I don’t. How can he be so sure that there isn’t anyone out there that doesn’t like me or isn’t interest in me? Damn cocky thinks he knows it all. Whose fault is it that I cut my hair short like this?

I was planning on growing my hair long last year because I was sick of being called ‘Kris’s childhood guy friend’. It was annoying being called a guy when I am not. But my plan for growing my hair out came to a halt when Kris found out. He told me that I’d become the ugliest long hair girl he had ever seen if I grew it long and that if I kept it long I’d scare all the other students because I’d end up looking like Sadako (Japanese girl who’s known to be in horror movies; she’s a girl with long hair that covers her face and haunts people). With him constantly teasing me about wanting to get long hair I end up being fed up of him mocking me and finally gave in after a few weeks into my plan. I went to get my hair cut short.

I looked over at him feeling infuriated by his comment as the memories of last year flooded my mind. “You know what. I’m going to grow my hair out. I’ll show you and everyone just how girly I can be.” I stood up from my spot and walked out the door before they could say another word. I am sick of being looked down on and it’s time for a change. “I’ll show you and everyone. Even if you make a mockery out of me again. I’ll still go grow my hair out” I muttered under my breath as I head towards my house. Determination was running through me.

=============

Looking over at me he let out a sigh.

“Stop sighing, Siwon.” I glared at him then looked at myself up and down. “I don’t look that weird, do I?”

Siwon has been acting weird since he came back for summer vacation. Siwon has been going to boarding school in the states this past year and I haven’t seen since. During that time I grew my hair out longer and kind of changed my image a little, but even so why is oppa over reacting about it? I know I might look strange, but why is he unhappy about it. He was the one who told me to become more feminine back then because I was always fighting and now that I am all dressed girly he’d sigh every time he looks over at me.

“…no…” Siwon looked over and sigh again and shook his head.

Feeling slightly agitated I hit his arm. “Quit it! I haven’t seen you in a year and I wanted you to go shopping with me and if this is how you are going to act, just go home. I’ll go by myself.”

“Can’t you cover up more? Like don’t you think your shirt is too low or that your shorts are too short?”

“What?” I raised one eyebrow. I was disbelief by his comment. I smiled then laughed at his ridiculous comment. “My shirt isn’t too low. It’s a V-neck shirt what do you expect from it? And my shorts are just fine.” Looking over at him once more, I saw him running his hand through his hair. I could see that he is worried. Grabbing his hand I linked my fingers with his as I held his hand, “if that’s what you are worried about this whole time, stop it. I don’t need a dad. I have one already.”

Steering towards another topic I held up his hands in mine, “oppa, your hand has gotten bigger. This is our second time holding hands since you’ve came back.” Smiling sweetly at him I continued, “I remember how we use to hold hands when we were younger and I never realized how big your hands has gotten until now. Last time when you held my hand was last week when you took me shopping, but I was too engross in looking at clothes that I never took the time to notice our hand size difference.” Holding up my palm against his, I smiled at the difference and held it again and steered him towards a shoe rack.

“That’s because you aren’t attentive.” He squeezed my hands which made me squeal.

“I am too attentive. Wasn’t I paying attention to your sighs and pouts the moment we stepped into the mall? That’s why I knew something was bothering you.”

“Oh really now?” He let go of my hand and pulled on my cheeks pinching them. “Omo, omo. Our Victoria has gotten so pretty since the last time I saw her and she’s smart too. She actually pays attention to people.”

I scrunched my face and stuck my tongue out at him. “You sweeten me up with the first comment calling me pretty only to land a punch on me with the second comment saying I am finally pay attention to others aside from myself. How nice of you?!”

Siwon stopped pinching my cheeks and began them with his hands. I could feel the warmth and love from his palms all the way to his fingertips as he stared into my eyes and continue to rub my cheeks. For some reason the way he looked at me made me feel uneasy, nervous even. Pulling my face from his hands I looked around us. People were staring at me and him and whispering to one another. I felt uncomfortable under their glaze and whispers.

I looked over at him and smiled then slowly made my way towards a clothing rack. “Siwon, you don’t have to go shopping with me if you don’t want to. I made you go shopping with me almost twice a week, every week since you’ve came back and I know you have better things to do than go shopping with me.”

Walking over he patted my back. “I don’t mind spending time with you even if what we are doing is torture to me.”

I couldn’t help, but laugh at the way he phrased it. “Since when is shopping torture?”

“It is when you are a guy!” He smiled then let out a small chuckle. For some reason it made my heart skip a beat. Putting my hands on my heart I could feel the rapid pounding of my heartbeat. It’s probably because you haven’t seen him in so long and to see him smile and laugh that way probably made you happy so your heart was beating loud from excitement, I told myself.

“I see.” I slowly walked away from him with him following behind me step in step. After a few seconds I picked up the pace and walked out the store, “If that’s the cause I’ll release you from your torture and disappear.” I giggled as I ran.

After a few seconds he caught up to me and wrapped me in his arm from behind. “Got you.”

I giggled the moment he got me. I could hear and feel his heartbeat against my back. “Oppa, you need to get into shape. Your heart is beating so fast and you were only running for a short distant.” I tilted my head back against his chest and looked up at him and pressed my hand on his heart and giggled.

“I’ll show you what great shape I am in.” He picked me up and carried me in a princess style. “I’ll carry you to the car.” What took me by surprise weren’t his words, but his heavy breathing and hot breath against my ears. I couldn’t describe the feeling, but it was a feeling I never felt before. A little bit shy, mixed in with nervousness.

“WHAT?” I tried to wiggle out of his grip. In a low whisper I spoke not wanting others to hear “this is embarrassing! And, and we are in the mall with so many people staring at us.”

“So what?” Siwon rebutted before he started picking up his speed. He sprinted his way across the mall until they reached the exit. “Did you gain weight? You feel slightly heavier than before.”

I hit his arm. “That’s because I grew! The last time you carried me was when I was 6 and that was a piggy back ride.” I continued to hit his arm “besides, you are quite rude. You should never tell a girl she’s fat even if she is! You big meanie.”

He smiled at me as he placed me down besides the car. “I was just joking.” He patted my head and smiled at me. A smile that made my heart tightened. It was probably due to the excitement of seeing him again after all this time, I reminded myself.

========

Pinning me against the door the look on his face was one I had never seen before. There was something in his eyes that made me feel a sense of nervousness as I panic to break free from his grip. With him having a firm grip around my wrist against the door, at that moment I realized the difference in our strength. When we were younger I was always the stronger one and for some reason I always thought it would always stay this way, but I was wrong.

Since when has Kris become so strong, I wondered as I looked up at him. He was staring at me as if I am a prey and he’s the predator.  There is something about the way he is staring at me at this moment made me fearful of his presences. Was it the way he was looking at me or was it because of how close his body is pressed against mine that makes me feel a sense of fear? Could it be his icy tone, or was it his forcefulness that made me scared. I don’t know what it is, but whatever is causing me fear I hope it’ll go away soon. Looking at him at such a close distance, I realized how handsome he is. No wondered all the girls in my class fell for him.

Breathing heavily, probably from anger, he leaned in closer to me than he already is. “Big brother? You have got to be ing kidding me. I have never seen you as a sister and I never will.” His words came out icy and harsh.

My eyes widen as he spoke. I didn’t understand what he meant by that, but for me those words that came out of his mouth hurts. Throughout my whole life I had no one as close to me as Kris and Siwon are, not even my parents and for him to say that, made me feel a great sense of pain in my heart. Our parents were always busy with work so I felt like we could relate to each other and depend on each other since we live next to each other. I always thought that in a way having them around is like having two brothers who would always be there for me through anything and I, for them through anything. They are the two people I care about and love, the most and I wouldn’t know what to do if they didn’t feel the same way.

I stared at him as he stared back at me. Don’t looks at me like that I wanted to say, but I couldn’t. The way he was staring at me made me feel like I was staring at a stranger at that moment. The intense staring between us couldn’t even be cut with a knife at this moment. It was like time just stood still for us as we stare at each other.

After a few minutes had gone by, I finally spoke up. In a low whisper I spoke “But I see you as a brother. You and Siwon are both like a brother to me.” Looking up to see his reaction the fear left me. When Kris was mad he could be scary with his possessiveness, but the person looking at me right now looked hurt. Why do you look pained by my words I wanted to ask, but couldn’t. I stared at him for a few more seconds until guilt washed over me. My words were what caused him to make that face and I can’t stand knowing I hurt him in some way. I sneaked a peek at him once more before turning my head towards the opposite direction. I couldn’t look at him without feeling pained. What I could have said to have caused him to make such a sad face, I wondered.

Turning away from him because I couldn’t stand seeing his face without feeling guilty for causing it I felt his body pressed against mine even closer. His heart was pounding loudly and his breathing was heavy. “I want you to see me as a man.” He whispered as he pressed his lips against my bare neck. A chill went down my spine as he continued to kiss me gently as he slowly traced his kisses from my neck to my cheeks to the corner of my lips.

What do you think you are doing? Why are you doing this? What’s gotten into you? Why did you kiss me?  Were all the things I wanted to shout, but the words wouldn’t come out? I closed my eyes for a second and reopened them hoping this was all a dream and I’d wake up, but it wasn’t. My childhood friend was kissing me. Kris is kissing me. Kissing me. Were the only words that kept ringing in my mind?

“Sorry. I must have been too rough my grip. I must have hurt you.”  He pulled away and rubbed my hands in his gently. He was back to the old Kris, but it was already too late. “Why are you crying?” He asked as he wiped the tears that had fallen against my cheeks.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked. My voice was shaky and nervous. I was fearful of his answer.

“Sorry I was just teasing you. I took my joke too far,” he whispered. He looked at me with a gentle gaze and then pulled me towards him in an embrace. Hugging me he whispered “You know I love you. I love you.” Hugging me tighter in his arms he patted my head. “I’m sorry for scaring you.”

I didn’t know what had taken over Kris, but to me this wasn’t a joke. I love him…love him as a brother, as a friend, as anything except the way a women loves a man. When he kissed me I felt scared for a moment. The closeness of our body. The forcefulness of his grip. The gentle kisses he gave me. All of these things were things I didn’t want. Joke or no joke, a part of me was scared of the stranger before me. Scared of the change that this situation might bring to our relationship.

Was I scared because of his embrace or was I scared because I knew deep inside that I didn’t feel the same way about him and that all this, everything we had ever had, will come crumbling down on me one day because of my feelings. Closing my eyes I prayed to god. I pray that things between us will never change. That tomorrow when I wake up, everything will be back to the way it was. And that his ‘I love you’ doesn’t mean the way I feared it would mean. That to him I am just a sister because I would hate myself if I were to ever hurt him.

[Author Side Notes] This chapter will have either 2-3 parts to it and I will continue to update this fanfic until the chapter is complete, before updating my other fanfics. Sorry that this chapter is so long…Victoria’s memory is pretty long. I am not going to tell the whole story, but just a glimpse of her childhood here and there. What they were to her and what she was to them. I wanted to recall stories of what could have led up to her to fall for Siwon rather than Kris.

Many of you might wonder how come Victoria and Kris are so close compared to Victoria and Siwon. You have to understand that Kris and Victoria are the same age. They are around each other more and often heads, whereas Siwon is older. He should be the voice of reason when they fight and be a role model for the two of them.

I hope everyone doesn’t catch a cold! Flu season is still going strong. I’ve been feeling sick lately, but still wanted to update my fanfic. LOOL. You know you are an addict when you can hardly leave the bed, yet you still have the energy to lie in your bed, imaging scenarios for your fanfic next chapter update.