Growing up we are often taught that when a guy likes a girl he would pick on her by teasing her and taunting her until she cries. I didn’t understand if this was true or not, but I was often told as a child that the reason why Kris picked on me so much was because he liked me and that one day I will understand all of this and probably like him back. I never really believed this nor did I understand the concept of how picking on someone equals liking them because whoever came up with that theory is just plain insane. Why would you want the person you like to cry? Does that make any sense!

When we were younger Kris and I would often fight with each other over the slightest things. Between the two of us who could climb the tree higher, who could run the fastest, who got a better test score and so on. Upon entering middle school we stopped fighting about those stupid matters and instead shifted to ones regarding my whereabouts and who I was hanging out with. I never understood the change in Kris. It’s not like me growing my hair long or changing my clothing style has anything to do with him, but for some reason his attitude started changing when I began to undergo change.

Slamming my house door behind me furiously I threw my shopping bags on the ground besides the couch and slumped down against the cushion. Hearing the sound of the door open to instantly hear it being slammed shut a few seconds later I knew who had just walked in after me.

“Why did you walk away? I was talking to you” Kris yelled as he walked towards me.

“Well I don’t have anything to say to you,” I looked at him then rolled my eyes. Why is he mad? I should be the one who’s mad. He’s such a control freak. Who does he think he is?

Earlier today I went to shopping with some friends and one of them saw some guy friends she knew from another school that she hasn’t seen in awhile so she decide to invite them to join us for lunch. As we left the restaurant Kris and his friends saw us and he instantly pulled me away from my group of friends yelling at me for no reason. He was saying how I was lying about hanging out with my friends just to meet guys and that it’s dangerous to hang out with people I don’t know and so on. Screw him and his lecturing ways.

To make matters worse I found out why guys haven’t been approaching me lately and it is all Kris’s fault. During lunch today my friend told me she saw someone who might be my childhood friend hitting the guy who had confessed to me a few days ago. My friend said she overhead him telling the guy to stay away from me and don’t even think about trying to date me if he knows what’s good for him. He also warned the other guys around that they better not try hitting on Victoria otherwise they got something coming.

After hearing this I knew it was Kris. I don’t think Siwon would do something like that since Siwon doesn’t like to use violence and he isn’t the irrational type to do things without thinking thoroughly about the consequences. Kris on the other hand isn’t very rational and always acting before thinking. I knew it was him right away.

I seriously can’t deal with Kris lately. Honestly I don’t know what’s going on with him, but this change in him is getting on my last nerves. He has become this over protective, over bearing and constantly controlling the environment around me freak that is always nagging me about my whereabouts. He could go out and hang out with his group of friend’s afterschool all he want, but when I do it he’ll either watch me like a hawk or tell me I had to go home since he isn’t around. What the heck? Since when do I need permission to hang out with my friend and since when do I need a baby sitter to watch me?

Of course I wouldn’t listen to him, which often resulted in us fighting like today. I’m just so glad I am going to a different school next year since I don’t know how much longer I can stand his controlling nature. I need some distance between us and I need some space for freedom.

“Well I am not done talking to you” he said angrily as he sat on the sofa across from mine.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I threw a pillow at him. “I don’t know what you are mad at, but I told you I just went shopping with my friends and she happened to see her friend so we invited them to join us for lunch. That’s all. I was going to go home after I eat. And besides I don’t see why I have to sit here and explain to you in detail about my whereabouts and what I was doing. You aren’t my dad Kris.”

“Don’t ing lie to me, Victoria. I saw him pulling on you.” Kris stared at me for a moment then walked over to the sofa where I was sitting at and sat down beside me. He pulled at me until I was facing him. “Do you know what kind of reputation that dude and his friends have? Do you know how dangerous it is to go around with guys you don’t even know? If I wasn’t there he could have taken you somewhere afterward even if you didn’t want to go. By the way he was pulling on you earlier you can totally see how strong he is compared to you. You can’t fight back against him.”

Okay so I lied. The truth was that this guy had tried to push me to go somewhere with him alone after lunch, but I told him I had to go home. He was persistent and kept trying to urge me to go with him to some hang out spot even when I said no. After awhile that guy started getting forceful and pulled at my arms urging me out the door just when Kris saw. I didn’t want Kris lecturing me so I told him that we were just about to leave the restaurant and that the guy was just showing me where the shopping center was. I didn’t want to tell Kris this and let him gloat about how right he is.

I pushed his hand away from my face. “First of all, I am not 10 years old. I don’t need you to tell me what to do and how to act. I do know what danger is and I think I am pretty strong. I can handle the situation if anything were to happen.”

Kris pushed me down on the sofa instantly. Pinning me down with his hands and pinned his knee against mine. “Can you move now? Do you think you can fight it if he does something like this?” He yelled. His face showed an expression of frustration and grief.

I struggled under him. I know he is stronger than me, but I hate it when he’s right. After a few minutes of me wiggling beneath him trying to break free, I turned away. Letting out a sigh, I whispered “I got it. Now get off.”

He ran his fingers through my hair which made me flinch. I told him to get off so why isn’t he. I turned my face around until our eyes were locked with each other. The way he was staring at me was one of intensity and something that made my heart wretch in pain. If you keep looking at me so lovingly I don’t know what to do, I thought as I turned away and closed my eyes.

Still my hair gently he turned my face around until our eyes locked again. “I just don’t know what I would do if anything were to happen to you. I’m not trying to control your every move or not let you have fun with your friends.” Taking his fingers from my hair he slowly caressed my cheeks gently. “It’s just…it’s just…hard....” He gave me a pain stricken look.

“What’s hard?”

“…” After a few seconds of silence he began running his fingers along my eyebrows, then my eyes, then my lips then my chin. Tracing my features gently against his fingertips he spoke, “I get this feeling that I’m going to lose you one day and that you won’t be around anymore. I want to be able to see this face every single day for the rest of my life.” (At that time I didn’t know he was hinting at something other than what my simple mind was thinking.)

“Why would you think like that silly? We’ve been together throughout our lives and I would never leave you even if you pushed me away.” (When I think back on these words I find it ironic how it was I who had once said it to him and yet did the opposite.)

“You don’t realize it, but to me I see that you are moving further and further away from day by day and I don’t want that. You decided on going to an all-girl school without me. You decided on wanting space between us so that you can get to know others without me. You decided on growing up and becoming someone I don’t know. You decided on wanting to grow your hair long and have guys spellbind by your beauty.  You decided on fall in love with someone other than...”

I placed my hands over his mouth and interrupted him. I didn’t want him to finish his last sentence. I was scared of what those next few words could be. A lot have been on my mind since the time he kissed me. Even though he said it was just a joke, his actions, his words, his aura that day seemed so serious that it scared me even until now. I’ve become a little fearful of his actions and words.

 What would become of our relationship if he were to like me? I never thought of him that way and I was scared that I might never feel that way. I’m scared of the changes that might happen to our relationship if I ever hear him say he doesn’t see me as a sister. That he wants me as more. I closed my eyes to blink away these thoughts. Don’t jump to conclusion. Don’t assume he wants more. I’m just scared of losing what I have now.

“What do you expect me to do? Growing up most of my so-called friends only became friends with me to get closer to you. I wanted friends who would be my friends for me or get to know me because they want to not because they have other motives. I wanted girlfriends who I could gossip with and learn from not ones who would only talk to me when it regards you. I just want friends of my own. Is that so much to ask for?”

As tears ran down my cheeks slowly I realize how much pent up frustration I must have kept inside me all these years. I never really told Kris about my problems with other girls since he’ll just get mad at them and I didn’t want others to hate me. I get bullied enough without him having to make things worse.

Wiping away my tears I continued “and what do you mean by me growing up and becoming someone you don’t know? I am someone you know. You have known me all your life, silly. Also what’s wrong with wanting to fall in love? I am at that age where I don’t simply just want to talk about love I want to experience it. I want to know what it is like being in love with someone.”

The next few words that came out of his mouth took me by surprise. “I don’t want you to experience it.” He cupped my face in his hand and looked at me sternly. “I don’t want anyone else to have you. I don’t want any others to look at you…to touch you…or even kiss you. I don’t want to lose you to anyone. Don’t you get it?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about. Quit talking nonsense.” I pulled his hand from my face. I wasn’t dense. I wasn’t stupid. I understood what his words meant. What he was hinting at, but I just didn’t want to face the reality of it. I don’t want to hear him say those words. How could I? I like how our relationship is even if we often bicker or get on each other nerves. At the end of the day he is someone I treasure and someone I care about, someone that would always be there for me whenever I am sad or mad. I don’t want to lose him. I’m scared to lose him. I’m scared he’ll leave and never want to see me again. I’m scared to lose what we have. I’m scared of things changing between us.

Call me selfish. Call me ignorant, but I just can’t imagine losing my best friend. Growing up Siwon and Kris are my closest friends. Almost like family to me and if one day something were to ever change this, I wouldn’t know what I would do. I would lose everything.

Staring into his eye, it made me realize how close of a distance we were to one another. The last time we were this close was when he kissed me and it was something that not only confuse me, but made me sad thinking of. That wasn’t the type of feelings I felt for him so when he gives me such a loving stare I can’t help, but feel hurt knowing I might not ever give him what he expected out of me or could I ever return his feelings.

Love was something new to me and I have never experienced the feeling before, but one thing I was sure of was that whatever I felt for Kris wasn’t love that a women has for a man. Love is supposed to you in and make you weak in your knees whenever you are infront of it. You get butterflies in your stomach when you see that special person and it makes your heart flutter with excitement hearing that person’s name. Feeling that person’s touch and wanting to be kissed by that person even for a split second. All these feelings were what love is and I know for a fact that I don’t feel this way for Kris. The moment his lips touched mine that time I knew that it wasn’t love. And for some reason it made me sad thinking of it while looking at him, looking at me.

“You don’t know or you just don’t want to know?” He whispered softly. His tone was one of uncertainty. As he said these words he looked at me to see my expression and I could tell he knew what I felt when he smiled and looked away. He always put on a fake smile when trying to mask his pain.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered feeling guilty about not being able to return his feelings. I just don’t know what love is, but I don’t think this is love. I don’t think what I feel for you is love, were what I wanted to tell him, but how could I? The way he looked at me made me feel so guilty and sad knowing I am the one causing him pain. Changing the topic to a lighter mood I try my best to put on a smile, “get off me. Don’t you know how heavy you are?” After a pause I looked away. Not able to make eye contact with him, “you should go home it’s getting late.”

Without a word he looked over at me and stared for a few minutes before smiling. As he was getting off me he patted my head then heading towards the door home. His silence told me how much I must have hurt him with my denial.  I’m sorry Kris. I’m sorry, were the words that kept repeating in my mind as tears fall down my cheeks after the house door close behind him.

-------

I didn’t dare tell Siwon about what had happened between me and Kris over Christmas break because I only get to see him once a year and I didn’t want to spend my summer talking about Kris.

After the whole kiss thing, then the whole incident on the sofa thing, things between me and Kris have been tenser than ever. He had stopped pestering me about my whereabouts and who I’ve been hanging out with and yet he always knows where I am and who I am with without having to ask me himself. I was fed up with his possessiveness and his egotistic ways, but what can I do? Every time I try to confront him about it the topic of me knowing how he feels always comes up. I always try to avoid that subject since I don’t want to hear him say how he feels. Yeah yeah, ignorant is bliss.

I was just glad that Siwon is back because Siwon was always the logically one between the two of them. Even though he nags me a lot he always knew the right words to say and how to comfort me when I am mad or sad. At least with Siwon around Kris won’t act so possessive and loosen up a bit. Or so I thought.

I thought having Siwon around would make Kris less possessive and demanding, but I find that they both are indeed brothers. Lately Siwon has been lecturing me a lot which makes me kind of mad since his standard for Kris and his standard for me are completely different.

“That is not fair, Siwon” I protested as I am being pulled out of the party by him. Walking a few steps down the hall and into the elevator I tried to pull away from him, but he yanked me inside.

Coming closer to me he sandwiched me between him and the elevator walls. “Why are you being so hard headed about this?” He stood there with one hand on the elevator wall while the other one is still holding firmly onto my hand with his other hand.

“Why are YOU so hard headed about this?” I pouted.

“I am not. I’m very level headed right now.” He said calmly as he looked down at his watch then at the elevator door opening. “Let’s go Victoria. I don’t have all day.”

Holding on the railing I didn’t let go. “I didn’t do anything wrong. Why are you pulling me away from my friends?”

“I told you that you have to be home by 10:00 PM and it is 11:00 PM right now. You broke curfew. And on top of that you lied to me. You told me the party will be at some friends HOUSE, but it turned out it’s a party at a hotel.” He tried to pull my hands away from the railing. “Are you seriously not letting go?”

I shook my head. “Why do I have to come home by 10? It’s not fair that my friends don’t have a curfew, but I do. Also why does it matter where the party is located? It’s not like something bad would happen.” The look on Siwon’s face as I said the last few words made me shiver. He glared at me until I felt so uncomfortable that I pulled my eyes away from his and looked down at the ground feeling guilty for lying. Letting go of the railing I placed my freed hand at my side. “I still don’t think I did anything wrong,” I whispered.

“I can’t believe you still think you didn’t do anything wrong.” He looked over at me furiously as he yelled. He lost his calm for a moment. He yanked at my other hand and pulled me towards the hotel exit and into his car. From there on it was like a non-stop nagging marathon all the way home. “Do you know how irresponsible you are? Breaking curfew is just one thing, but you lied about your whereabouts too. What if something were to happen to you and what if I couldn’t contact you on your cell phone? Did you think of that? Something could have seriously happened to you and I wouldn’t even know what to do to, who to contact or where to god damn find you.” He looked over at me then let out a long sigh before continuing, “I wouldn’t know where to look for you if it wasn’t for Kris telling me about this party.”

“Well good for Kris for knowing where I am. Geez you guys need to lighten up a little. I don’t need you or Kris breathing down my neck about my every move. My parents aren’t even as overprotective as you guys.”

“Well your parents are hardly around so they have no clue about you being so out of control!” Siwon yelled.

“Sorry for being so out of control.” I yelled back. Who does this think he is telling me I am out of control because I wanted to have a little fun with some friends? I let out a sigh and crossed my arms, “I am a pre-teen for god sakes. I want to go out and have fun with my friends. I want to do things with girls my age without having my childhood friends come along or watching my every move like a stalker. This is the first year where I have friends that aren’t friends with either one of you guys so it’s nice to just enjoy it.”

“It’s not that I don’t want you to have fun. I just want you to tell me where you are, who you are with and that you will follow the curfew time I set up for you. Is that so hard to ask?” Siwon looked over and narrowed his eyes. “You are so clueless about the dangers of the world, Victoria. I get worried sometimes…”

I rolled my eyes and interrupted him before he could continue, “how about you go home and lecture Kris about the dangers of the world instead of me? I know the dangers of the world and how scary it can be out there. I think…”

“You know nothing.  You are still a child for god sakes,” Siwon raised his voice as he spoke. He’s probably frustrated with me for talking back.

“I am not a child. I think I can handle…” I said. I don’t know why he’s getting so mad at me for having an opinion.

He spoke in a harsher tone. Almost as if he was blaming me for something. “You can’t handle anything. You think you can handle this. You think you can manage that, but when the times come you are still a child. Your parents are busy so they told me to watch after you. I am not going to let you go around spending all your time hanging out with all these little boys who have ranging hormones at your age when you are supposed to be at home spending time with me.”

I looked over at him feeling slightly confused by his last statement, but none the less I have to defend myself. “I’ve been spending time with you. This was like the first day I went out with my friends since you came back.”

He was silent for a moment as if he was gathering his thoughts or trying to pick his words carefully before speaking. “Well spend more time with me.”

Even though I was mad at him for dragging me out of the party his rebutted was hilarious and made me laugh. “I gave you almost 95% of my time, minus the time I spend sleeping. Isn’t that enough?”

“Nope,” he answered as he looked over at me and smiled. The smile made me forget why I was even mad at him in the first place. Turning his direction back on the road, he patted my head. “Never enough.”

=============

“Are you ing dating that douchebag?” Kris yelled as he opened the door to my room and slammed it shut behind him.

I looked up at him from my lap top screen confused. I took off my ear plugs and spoke, “huh?”

He ran his fingers through his hair and let out a sign of frustration, “my basketball teammate, Min Hyuk, was bragging around the locker room today that you agreed to go on a date with him later tonight. Is that true?”

“Yeah, so what about it?”

“What the hell, Victoria,” Kris yelled. His tone was a mixture of anger and resentment.

“It’s just a dinner and a movie date. It’s not like I am dating him.” I said nonchalantly.

“Why?” The resentment in his tone was strong.

“Why, what?”

“Why are you going on a date with him?” He shouted.

“Why can’t I?” I looked up at him. “Stop shouting.”

“Then don’t go on this date.” He softened his tone. He had an agonizing look to him as he walked over to my bed and sat down beside me. “Don’t go.”

“Why not? He’s a smart guy who’s good looking and nice. It would make sense for me to go when asked by a guy with all these qualities.” I answered not thinking about Kris’s feelings. Not wanting to acknowledge them.

He ran his fingers through his hair again before locking eyes with mine. “Are you seriously going to play this game with me, Victoria?”

“I’m not playing any games with you.” I looked at him sternly, “I just think I am ready to try this dating thing now. I want to experience dating. I want to experience falling in love. I want to feel the excitement of loving someone and making them your everything.”

“You are not going” He said coldly. “You aren’t allowed to go.”

“You can’t tell me what to do.” I rolled my eyes. I got out of bed and stood beside it and looked down at where Kris was sitting. “Stop trying to control me. I am not a bird in your cage or your puppet for enjoyment. I am an actual human being.”

“You aren’t going. That’s that. End of discussion.”

“Who the hell do you think you are to tell me what I can do and can’t do all the time?” My blood was slowly boiling from this heated discussion as I shouted at him. “Whatever. I am going and that’s that,” I snapped. I got up and slowly picked out what I wanted to wear for the date while sneaking glances at Kris every so often to see what he is doing or thinking. Usually he would yell at me, but this time he was just sitting there in silence. He was staring at me as I picked out my clothes. It was strange that he’s so quiet and yet it made me wonder what was going through his mind.

His silence was slightly making me feel guilty for going on this date, but it’s not like I could just cancel my date after making it into a huge issue. After getting ready to go on my date I looked over at him once more and spoke, “I’m going now so just leave when you want.”

Standing up from his position he held my arm back before I could reach the door, “I love you” he whispered.

My world just collapse in an instant. The words I didn’t want to ever hear him say were said. I couldn’t move my feet nor could I move my mouth. It was as if I had become frozen from his words. I wanted to turn around and say ‘quit joking,’ but deep inside me, I knew that it wasn’t a joke. I knew it wasn’t a joke when he kissed me. I knew it wasn’t a joke when he told me he loves me over and over again. I knew it wasn’t a joke the way he stares at me and always tries to hint about his feelings. I knew everything, but didn’t want to hear any of it. I didn’t want to admit it or accept it. I didn’t want this.

“I love you,” He said it louder this time. Was he scared I didn’t hear him or something?

“…I…” Was the only thing I could manage to say before closing my mouth. I don’t want to lose him, were the only words that kept replaying in my mind.

“You always avoid this subject, but I can’t let you avoid it anymore.” He walked over to me and locked eyes with me. I couldn’t stand looking at his eyes for more than a few seconds without feeling guilty. I peeled my eyes from his and looked towards the floor.  Pulling my chin upwards until our eyes met again he spoke, “can’t you see me as a man? Can’t you see me as someone other than a childhood friend?”

I looked at him as he spoke those words. The clear brown eyes that were staring back at me were full of affection and adoration that it made my heart wrenched in agony. Do you know how much you mean to me? Do you know how important you are to me? I don’t want this to change. I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t want to be the cause of your pain anymore. After staring into each other’s eyes for a few more minutes I knew the answer to my conflicted feelings. I knew what I had to do.

I had to be truthful to him even if it means he’ll hate me or never wanting to talk to me again. I just can’t lead him on. I don’t want to hurt him anymore than this. I don’t want him to have expectations for the future when I know I might never feel that way for him. Looking directly at him I spoke without regret, “I can’t.”

“WHY?” He yelled as he kicked the chair behind me with his foot. “Why can’t you see me as a man? I’m going crazy because of you. I’ve been holding back my feelings for you for so long because I was scared to chase you away if you were to find out. I wanted to confess my feelings for you when you can see me as anything other than a childhood friend. I wanted to confess to you when you are able to accept my feelings, but knowing you’ll be with another guy made me impatient. I don’t want that. I don’t want you with anyone else, but me. Can’t you see how in love I am with you?”

“I just can’t see you as more than what you currently are.” I placed my hands on my face not wanting him to see me cry. He made me feel so guilty for my own feelings.

“Why can’t you, huh?” Kris pulled my hands from my face. Tilting my head back he bent down and kissed me. As our lips pressed against each other he whispered, “I love you so much. I would give you the whole world if you wanted it. I would give the world anything and everything I had if that means I get you.”

As he kissed me again gently, the tears began filling my eyes. He didn’t say he was joking this time when he pulled away. Instead he pulled me close and whispered, “I love you. I don’t see you as a sister, not now not ever. I’ll give you some time and put some distant between us so that you can think things through. I know you can’t accept my feelings for you right now, but I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait until you are ready. Even if it means I’ll have to wait forever.”

To know and hear are two different things. To know, but still not wanting to accept the fact that my childhood friend loves me is what I’ve been doing until now. Until now…

===========

I was thankful that summer came and that Kris had left for camp. He’ll be gone this whole summer which makes it a little easier on me since we had hardly talked ever since that day and things have been slightly awkward between the two of us. He told me he’ll give me time to think things through and that when he comes back from camp he hoped I’ll see him in a new light.

His confessions a few months ago made me think a lot about Siwon’s words in the past about how I don’t know what’s going on around me because I am aloof and clueless about people’s feelings and my surroundings. I always think things are simple and if things get complicated I pretend and think what I want to think. I don’t want to accept the reality of some things because I am scared of change.

As I sat there listening to my friends sing in the karaoke room all that comes to my mind is Kris’s confession that day. Even months later, I don’t find myself wanting him any other way then what he already is. If I tell him this could he accept it and move on or will he not accept it and continue to have hopes that my feelings will change over time. I felt nothing the first time we kissed, just plain confusion. Not a spark or a flame between us. The second time he kissed me just reassured my feelings even more, that I could never feel anything for him.

Drinking the soju bottle infront of me I wanted to forget the incident these past few months all together. Why can’t Kris just accept my feelings for what it is instead of insisting more? I don’t want to have to tell him my feelings over and over again. My words of rejection and his face full of hope turns into agony and sorrow by my words made me sick to my stomach. I hate causing him to feel that way, but I can’t do anything about it if he keeps asking me the same questions. Don’t ask me those questions if you don’t want to get hurt were what I always wanted to tell him every time he tells me he loves me, but I couldn’t. All I could do was just look away not wanting to answer him back. Not wanting to see his hurt expression.

As I drink bottle after bottle of soju, I kind of understood why people drink alcohol. They wanted the alcohol to erase the feeling of sadness, regret, or pain they might be feeling even if it’s just for a moment. I wonder if Kris ever drank this much because of me, I thought as I took another swig of the soju.

Looking at my friend and her boyfriend singing together across the room made me feel even more miserable then I was already feeling. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of falling in love considering I just rejected my best friend recently, but even so I couldn’t help feeling envious of my friend and her boyfriend. I wanted that. I wanted what they have. I wanted to experience it so badly it hurts. At least Kris knew what love was when he fell for me, I thought. Every time he says ‘I love you’ to me so endearingly, it made me sad yet envious at the same time. I just want to feel that feeling once.

I closed my eyes and reopened them to see Siwon before me. What was he doing here? It’s not past my curfew yet, you strict daddy-wannabe. “What are you doing here?” I manage to let out.

He gave me a hostile look then stomped his ways towards me without saying anything. He looked over to where my friends were and talked to them instead of answering my question, “thank you for picking up her phone and telling me where she was.” He bowed in gratitude then smiled at them. The smile he gave not only rendered me speechless, but made my friends speechless as well.

Looking over at my friends I could still see how awe stricken they were by Siwon’s good looks even in my drunken state. After a few minutes one of my friend’s shyly spoke up in her cutest voice “not a problem oppa. I didn’t know Victoria had such a handsome childhood friend.” After her comment she let out a girly giggle that had me want to puke. How dare you flirt with my childhood friend and giggle all girly too!

I rolled my eyes at her trying to be seductive by being all cute and twirling her hair. If only she knew how strict Siwon could be she’ll think twice about flirting with him. Siwon was given the nickname Statwon by Kris and me for a reason. His expressions, strictness and lack of emotions are like that of a statue so we would call him statwon every time he gave us a lecture as kids. 

“Thank you for your compliment. You are very good looking yourself.” He smiled at her sweetly then turned his attention towards me. Looking down at me beside him, he bent his knee and knelt down beside me, “how are you feeling?” He placed his hand on my forehead. “Underage children shouldn’t be drinking.”

Looking at his face only a few inches away from mine I realize how close we were to each other. His eyes were so mesmerizing. It feels as though I’m being pulled and in as I stare into them. Lowering my glaze I looked at his lips as I slowly find myself biting on mine. They were slightly pink and moist. They looked so damn kissable I kept thinking as I mine. Slowly lowering my glaze from his face to his shoulders I realized how broad they were. They were what defined a man to me. Lowering my glaze once again, I looked at his muscular arms. They looked so firm and I bet he could lift me up easily. Looking back up at him until our eyes made contact I realized my breathing was slightly heavy.

He was so close to me that I could smell his cologne. His smell was intoxicating and made me feel dizzy. His scent and my alcohol intake tonight are probably what are causing me to have these weird thoughts in my head, I thought as I studied him closely before pushing his hand away. Don’t act all charming and flirty with my friends then act all firm and strict with me. For some reason I began feeling mad.

“Fine.” I answered as I look at him then at my friends who are still whispering to each other and acting all girly because they see a good looking guy. Don’t act like this about my childhood friend I pouted as I imagine all the things they might be saying about him. Getting up from the sofa I looked down at the spot I was laying a few minutes ago. I don’t remember laying there. I swear I was sitting on the other sofa. Scrunching my brows I tried to recall how I ended up here.

“I called you awhile ago, but your friends picked up instead of you. They said you fell asleep on the sofa when they were singing karaoke so I told them to tell me where you were so I could pick you up. They told me you drank all these bottles…” he pointed his fingers to the empty bottles on the table. “Didn’t we have a little talk awhile ago about you and drinking? You are underage and it’s not good for you to be drunk when I am not around. Something bad could have happened.”

I pouted not wanting to admit I was drunk. I didn’t want to be lectured by this flirting demon. I spoke in a harsh tone, almost as if I am blaming him for something. “I’m fine. I’m not drunk at all. Just continue doing what you were doing…flirting with my friends and all. Don’t let me get in your way.” Realizing what I just said I turned my face away from his feeling embarrassed. Why am I acting like this? What’s wrong with me? Why am I saying all these weird things?

After a few minutes of silent I told myself that it’s the alcohol talking, not me. It’s the alcohol. Turning my head slightly towards him again, I saw this amused look on his face. God what’s wrong with me, I thought as I turned away again feeling embarrassed. Ever since Siwon came back this summer I’ve been feeling weird around him. I keep telling myself that it’s because I haven’t seen him for so long that why I am feeling this way, but I don’t know how truth telling that is. I get this weird feeling inside me every time he looks at me or touch me and somehow I always end up making a fool out of myself. 

Last week he touched my arm trying to show me something, but I flinched and pull away from his touch and ended up hitting the wall trying to get away from him. When he gives me a hug like he always did before I wouldn’t hug him back. Sometimes he would whisper something into my ears and I’d get a chill down my spine from our closeness. He would laugh every time I flinch at our close contact, but I didn’t find this funny at all. I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel like he’s a childhood friend yet he’s a stranger.

I’m just probably feeling this way since we aren’t as close as we use to be since he’s been going to school far away. Every time he comes back there’s a huge change in him that makes me feel like he’s a stranger. That’s probably it I keep on reminding myself.

“Let’s go home?” He placed his hand gently on my waist and whispered in my right ear making me flinch at the sudden contact. Damn him and his light footsteps. 

Rubbing the ear that he whispered in, it felt hot. Pulling myself from his hand around my waist I turned and said my goodbyes to my friend. Walking out the door of the karaoke room I felt someone hands on my back. Turning around I saw Siwon.

“Why are you walking so fast?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know.” Moving to the left alitte, trying to place some distance between us.

He narrowed his eyes at me, “why are you standing so far away?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’ve been acting weird since I been back. Is something wrong?” He walked closer to me and placed his hand on my shoulders, it. After a few minutes of silence he continued, “I thought you’d be happy seeing me again.”

Honestly I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. Since Kris left and Siwon has come back for summer vacation I’ve been feeling out of place about everything. I haven’t really gone out with Siwon much since being around him makes me feel weird. I act all jittery and not like myself around him so I’ve avoid hanging out with him as much as possible. Also the whole Kris thing has been on my mind a lot as well and I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I guess Siwon saw right through me and knew something was bothering me. “I am happy seeing you again and I have not been acting weird,” I playfully hit Siwon’s arm not wanting to let him know what’s going on in my head.

“Are you sure?” He narrowed his eyes at me still suspicious.

I nodded my head and just smiled at him. The rest of the way home was in silence except a few words here and there. There were times he would just stare at me and just smile and it made me feel even more awkward then I am already feeling. All I could do was just smile back. Finally reaching to my house I felt relieved. I thanked him, said good night and told him that I have slightly sobered up so he doesn’t have to walk me to my house. The truth was I couldn’t stand anymore of awkwardness between the two of us.

As I reached the door to my house I felt my cellphone ringing. Picking it up it, it was my friend. “Hey, Yuri, what sup?....a mixer?...with what school?...I heard there are a lot of good looking guys from that university…haha, I know right….yeah, I’ll go…of course I want a boyfriend, who doesn’t!....where are we meeting?...At what time are we meeting?...yes, I’ll be sure to dress to impress. I won’t let you look bad…okay, see you then. Bye.”

Putting the keys into the door I heard a voice behind me that startled me.

 “A mixer?”

Turning around I saw Siwon standing there. I swear I said good night to him a few minutes ago and told him he didn’t have to walk me to my door so why is he standing here. Looking at him I could tell from his expression that he was pissed. “My friend wanted me to meet some of her friends so she set up this mixer thing for a bunch of us to get to know each other that’s all.” Siwon didn’t look please with my answer and I didn’t know why, but it made me feel uncomfortable having him stare at him so intensely. I didn’t know why I was lying, but I made an excuse for my actions “it’s not like I’m trying to look for a boyfriend or anything…haha.” I laughed nervously “it’s just a hang out between friends and friends of friends.”

“You told me you might be busy this summer and won’t be able to hang out with me a lot like last year because of all the summer activities and programs you signed up for at school, but here I see you talking to your friend about a mixer. You have time for a mixer, but don’t have time to hang out with me?” He spoke harshly. Even though his tone was icy and cold, I could tell he was slightly hurt.

Feeling guilty for lying to him I let out a sigh. I’ve been caught. I can’t do anything, but tell him the truth or at least somewhat the truth. “So what? It’s true that I am busy, but I still find the time to go out when I can. Is it so wrong to want to go out with friends?” I know I shouldn’t be acting all cocky and stuck up since I was in the wrong, but I can’t tell him I don’t want to hang out with him because I feel weird being around him or that I want to find a boyfriend fast so that Kris can get over me . Yeah yeah, I am looking for the easy way out of things.

“What the hell, Victoria. You have time for all these little ing boys, but you don’t have time for me? And you even go around making an excuse about all this crap. I come back once a year and it’s not like I expect you to spend every waking moment with me or anything I just want some god damn time from you, is that so much to ask for?” He narrowed his eyes that were blazing with anger. “And you go around dressing like that,” he pointed to my clothes. “You are dressing like a god damn . Strutting your stuff for these little ers, having them salivate at you as you walk by…”

I gasp in horror by his words. I was wearing a tightly fitted spaghetti strapped dress, but it wasn’t overly short. The only thing I was showing were my legs.  I even wore a cardigan over the dress. My dress isn’t too short, nor is the collar of my dress too low that I’d be called a for my clothes. “…are you serious?” I turned away from him and put the keys into door and opened it. I was speechless and disgusted by his words. I don’t know why he’s so mad, but he has no right to call me that word. Walking in I wanted to slam the door shut in his face, but he pushed it opened letting himself in.

I wanted to tell him to get out, but looking at him just made me madder. I didn’t even want to see him or speak to him. Walking away from him I felt his arm grabbed mine, pulling me back.  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay? Don’t walk away.”

Turning towards him I tried to push his arm off mine, but couldn’t. He had a strong grip on my arm. “Let go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I said let go.” I pushed him then hit him with my freed hand. I was mad at him for flirting with my friends. I was mad at him for calling me a . I was mad at him for making me feel weird around him. I was mad at him for changing so much. I was mad at him for so many things.

Grabbing my other hand he yanked me closer to him until our faces were only a few inches away from each other. “I’m sorry. Don’t go…” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have called you that, but I was just so mad at you. I was mad that you would rather spend time with other people then me when I came back to spend time with you…I was mad that you have been meeting guys while I’m away at college… I was mad that you wanted a boyfriend when I told you I won’t allow it and that you’re too young for one…I was mad at other guys for looking at you and for you dressing that way…I’m mad that you’ve changed so much when I am not around to see it…Every time I see you…being around you…I feel…”

The way he said he wanted to spend time with me made me feels special, but I knew it wasn’t true. He also came back to spend time with Kris, but Kris isn’t around so I’m the second option. Thinking about this made me feel a little sad. As he continued talking the air around him feels strange. I don’t know why he’s saying all these things. I didn’t get it, but for reason I felt happy hearing it. I wanted him to continue, but he didn’t. I couldn’t ask him to finish his thought because I just couldn’t. As we stared at each other for what seems like forever he finally broke free my arms and slowly walked away for some reason.

I didn’t want him to walk away.  I wanted to continue looking at him. I wanted to continue to feel intoxicated from his scent. I didn’t know what I was doing. The alcohol is probably getting to my head I told myself. I was using that as an excuse for my action. I knew my words would make him mad so I said it hoping he’ll come close to me again. I don’t know why I wanted it, but I wanted him close to me. I spoke, almost close to a whisper “what’s wrong with wanting other guys to want me?”

Yanking his attention back at me he had this look of fury in his expression. Even when he’s mad, he could still look so damn good I thought as I checked him out from head to toe slowly.  I knew I was playing with fire, but for some reason I’m getting this sensation that I never felt before. It’s a mixture of nervousness, shyness, awkwardness, wanting, needing and a whole bunch of other emotions all jumbled up into one.

“I don’t want other guys to want you.” He walked over towards me which made take a step backward until I felt the wall behind me. I don’t know why, but his words made me feel afraid as if he’s warning me and yet I feel excited and nervous from them. “We should get you to bed. You are probably still feeling a buzz from the alcohol.”

That’s not what I wanted. I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want to go to bed. I just want to look at him. Touch him. Hear his voice. I wanted to feel what I am feeling now. This strange feeling that’s taking over me is making me want to say and do things out of the ordinary. “…I don’t want to.”

He came closer to me.  As we stared at each other I could hear my breathing get heavier and heavier with each breath. Seeing him his lips made me bite on mine. “Do you honestly want to go there?” he whispered softly tempting me. For some reason I was feeling hot by those words. I felt like I was being on fire just from his stare. Slowly he began caressed my cheeks in his hand for a few seconds before tracing his fingers along my cheeks to my chin. His palm was on chin, but his fingers were slowly brushing against my lips gently.

“…uhh…huh…” I managed to say. I knew my voice sounded shaky and nervous answering his question. I could hear and feel his heavy breathing hitching closer to me as his fingers trace against my lips. I felt like my knees were going weak and I’ll fall back from melting at any given moment. Looking into his eyes made me feel as though I am being cast under a spell. It made me feel weak and unable to move. after his fingers would rub against my lips a little rougher. It felt like his face was getting closer to mine, but I couldn’t really tell since I’m in a trance.

Before I knew it his lips were only a few centimeters apart from mine. So close to mine that I could feel his warm and heavy breathing against my aching and trembling lips. His scent tempting me. They were playing mind games with me. They were controlling my mind by making me want him, making me need him. I wanted his lips against mine so badly. I brushed my tongue over my lips, moistening them for him.  I guess he knew what I wanted because not long after this I found his lips pressed against mine and I knew it was so wrong, but it felt so right at that moment.

I didn’t try to break free from his kisses. I closed my eyes and began working my lips against his. I wanted to be engulfed by his kisses. I wanted to be controlled by the scent of desire between us as it tempts me with lust filled thoughts. I wanted to be entangled by these feelings.

His lips were softer than I had thought. They were soft, moist and sweet tasting as he continued to worked his lips gently against mine. After a few minutes of his lips mine he urged my lip to part by on the bottom of my lip as I his upper lip. Slowly he pushed his tongue against my lips hinting me he wanted entry into my mouth. This was new to me, this whole kissing thing. So I didn’t know what to do.

After a few minutes I soon found myself following his lead as he parted his lips I did the same. When I gave him entry to my mouth he pulled me even closer to him. As our body pressed against each other I wrapped my arms around his waist running my fingers up and down his spine. His left hand was on my back holding me in place as if he didn’t want to let me go. He traced the fingers of his other hand slowly around the back of my head, toying with my hair and the nape of my neck. Softly caressing his fingertips against my neck, he began his tongue against mine gradually. Lust filled the air between us as I mimic his tongue .

My heart was racing. My breathing was heavy and loud. My body was feeling hot. Without thinking I let a small soft moan of desire against his mouth causing him to groan in pleasure as he rubbed his body against mine roughly. Upon hearing his moan I flinched. His voice brought me back to reality.

Opening my eyes, I widen them in horror which caused him to stop what he was doing and opened his eyes. My mind went blank upon seeing his face. His eyes widen, shocked from seeing me infront of him. Before I knew it he left in a hurry without a word. I fell against the wall and slide down against the cold hard floor.

OMG…OMG…OMG….What the hell just happened here…Siwon…Me…Siwon…Me.

I placed my elbow on my knee and my hands over my face realizing what had just happened between us.

People say, ‘don’t get caught up in the moment because that could result in some very foolish decisions.’

[Author Side Notes] How is everyone doing? I have finals next week and then Spring Break after that, yippy! All those who are taking your finals, GOOD LUCK! All those who are currently enjoying their Spring Break, damn you, you lucky punks *raise fist.* Hehe, just joking.

 I’ll try to finish Chapter 9, so that we can move on to the present for the three of them. I hope all this reminiscing isn’t boring you guys too death. Just one last part till Victoria’s memory is done ^^;;

I’ll upload my other fanfics too while on break, hopefully.

I don’t know if some of you can relate to this chapter or not, but I know I did in the past. Sometimes we do things not knowing we did them and by the time we realize we did it, it’s already too late to turn back the hands of time. The only advice I could give you is, don’t drink til you are drunk because that could result in some very bad choices. In Victoria’s case it wasn’t the alcohol that got to her, but the heat of the moment? Sometimes when we look at someone for so long, we sometimes get caught up in the moment and things just happen.

PS. Damn...this chapter is long.