[Author Side Notes] I hope everyone had a nice long Christmas & New Year vacation? I sure did. I visited my parents, who lives in Texas, for longer than necessary. I had so much fun being dragged everywhere (note the sarcasm.) It was especially fun when they made me attend parties, where they chatted and partied with their friends while their poor daughter had to sit cooped up in the corner, entertaining kids who were 10 years younger than her. Oh the fun in that one :]

Anyways, I’m back in California now, yippy! The only downside of things is that school has started once again so that’s a pain.

I had also manage to get sick a day before school started. What are the odds?! Well enough of my boring life. I hope you all stay warm and sick-free, unlike me.

Since I took so damn long to update, I decided to make this chapter long as a bonus (treat) for those who have waited patiently for an update. Enjoy ^_^

[Song Recommendation] Shakira ft. Rihanna- Can't Remember To Forget You

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Hearing a scream he twist and turn a few times, rubbing his fingers slightly against his eyes before opening them slowly to see what all the noise was about. Through half opened lids he looked up at Victoria beside him. In a half asleep state he spoke in a hoarse morning tone, “what a great way to wake up, huh?” He joked.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” Victoria got up instantly and stood beside the bed. She pulled the blanket along with her as she got up. Tapping her feet impatiently against the cold wooden floor, she demanded an answer from him this instant.

“Don’t you remember anything from last night?” He asked. Getting up, he stood beside the bed opposite of her. As he straighten his body up Victoria’s eyes slowly trailed along the length of his body, scanning every inch of him. His chuckle vibrated through her ears, making her body tense. It made her realize that he had just caught her staring at his half- body for longer than she should have. Pulling her glaze away from his body she turned her glaze towards his face. “You invited me home, don’t you remember?” He asked, mockingly.

Victoria knew that she would have had to invite him to her house, to her room for him to have been here, but she just didn’t want to accept that as a possibility. No matter how drunk I was, why would I…how could I…god, I doesn’t even want to think of what could have happened between us. “Don’t be ridiculous. Why would I do such a thing?” She pretended not to be affected by his comment.

Before either of them could say anymore Gyuri opened the door to the room. She saw Siwon in his boxers on one side of the bed while Victoria was still fully clothed on the other side of the bed. Even though she was curious about what had happened last night after she left the room she didn’t want to be overly direct with the questioning. “What happened? What was that screaming just now?” She played innocent, pretending as if she didn’t know. Of course she knew what would happen the moment Victoria woke up and saw Siwon beside her. Victoria would have her guards up with her claws ready to scratch Siwon if he came any closer to her, that’s what. There hasn’t been one meeting where they don’t fight with one another.

“He told me I invited him home. Can you believe that? Ha! Don’t make me laugh.” Victoria ridiculed Siwon’s statement. “No matter how drunk I might have gotten I would never be drunk nor dumb enough to invite you here.” Turning her attention towards Gyuri, Victoria gave her an accusing look. “And you. Why didn’t you kick this…this…this thing out of our house last night?” Victoria pointed her finger at Siwon

“To be fair, I did try. You were holding onto him really tightly last night and when I tried to peel your hands off of him it wouldn’t budge. You wouldn’t loosen your hold around him no matter what I did” said Gyuri. She had a look of pity in her eyes, which made Victoria feel even more annoyed about the situation.

“You damn liar!” Victoria didn’t believe a damn word Gyuri had just said. “Why would I hold onto him? Why would I force myself on him? Why would I want to bring Satan into my own home? I know better than that! And besides you should have just poured some ice water on me to wake me up if I did something stupid as this.” Victoria still couldn’t accept the fact that she was the one who had held onto Siwon without wanting to let go. She just couldn’t believe it as reality. Why would she hold on to him?

“I could have poured water on you, but to be fair it’s not like I was thinking completely straight either. I was pretty wasted too,” Gyuri lied. “And besides, you were out cold. Nothing could have possibly woken you up in that state.”

“Satan?” Siwon’s voice made both girls turn their attention to him, forgetting he was even there. “That hurts,” he teased. Tilting his head to the side he gave Victoria a half smirk. It made her sick to her stomach seeing him all smiley and affectionate like that. Especially so early in the morning.

“Urghhh…” Victoria turned her face away in disgust the moment she saw him smiling. It made her feel a sharp ping in her heart. “Seeing your face so early this morning isn’t a good way to start the day. And do you mind putting on a shirt and some pants?” She felt her headache coming on strong. Hangover plus seeing Siwon’s smile and him being all topless plus not recalling anything about last night is not a good start to a day. Seriously, what the hell happened last night? She wondered.

“Did anything happened last night?” Gyuri smiled cunningly as she looked over to Victoria then to Siwon, then back to Victoria. It was as if she could read Victoria’s inner turmoil. Gyuri had poked the very sore spot that Victoria had so wanted to avoid knowing.

Victoria shot Gyuri a lethal glare. Gritting her teeth she muttered in a low irritated tone, “nothing happened!”

Looking somewhat more amused than she should have been looking, Gyuri looked over at Siwon. He was still in his boxers and nothing else. Turning her attention towards Victoria once more, Gyuri asked in a teasing tone, not realizing how she’s been acting is way too obvious. “How would you know? You were pretty drunk last night and if anything…”

“Stop!” Victoria interrupted Gyuri. She didn’t want to hear the rest of Gyuri’s sentence. She didn’t want to imagine the endless possibilities that could of have happened between them. “I just KNOW! Okay? I can’t be stupid enough to do things with him….” Victoria rolled her eyes before continuing her sentence, “Looking at him makes me feel disgusted as is. If I actually did things with him…Oh God. I don’t even want to think about it. Who knows what sort of diseases I’d be contracting if I did sleep with him...And besides, why are you being so nice to him all of a sudden?”

“I’m not being nice to him. This is how I’ve always been.” Gyuri gave Victoria an innocent pout. The look made Victoria roll her eyes, unable to believe Gyuri’s answer as the truth. Gyuri’s been acting really fishy lately and it’s making Victoria suspicious about the reason for the sudden change.

Interrupting her train of thought, he spoke. “Well aren’t you something to wake up to.” His voice was icy and harsh, it was lace with unamused sarcasm. Her words hurt him; it stung. He admit it. He does sleep around and have had with numerous amounts of girls, but he had always used a . Every single damn time he had , he would always use a except when it was with Victoria; that time. It was a risk that time. She could have gotten pregnant, but even knowing the risk he still wanted to feel every inch of her and wanted her to feel every inch of him. Skin to skin. He wanted to be the first and the only one who could enter that hidden spot of hers, even now. There was no way he’d catch anything from any one.

Victoria gave him a fake smile and spoke in a sarcastic tone “thanks. I could say the same for you.” Tapping her foot impatiently she narrowed her eyes at him. “Why are you still topless, didn’t I tell you to put something on? And why are you still here? Get the hell out of my house already.” She sounds extremely annoyed with his presence and he knew it.

“Is that how you treat a guest who took care of you all night?” He mocked her once again. Winking at her as if it was some kind of hint about the things that might have gone on between the two of them last night. Siwon grabbed his shirt and pants on the floor beside the night stand and put it on as Victoria had instructed. The way the word ‘care’ came out of his mouth brought Victoria shivers. She didn’t want to know what he meant.

“Oh…oh…oh…” Gyuri placed her hand under her chin, cupping it. Looking at Siwon curiously she asked the question Victoria didn’t want to know the answer to. “What do we have here? What kind of care might that be?” Gyuri looked as if she was enjoying herself way too much with this situation.

“Nothing happened!” Victoria glared at Gyuri. Why the hell do you look so amused by this? Aren’t you supposed to help me?! “He never cared about me before so why would he start to care about me now? He’s just messing around so don’t take his words too seriously.” Victoria felt frustrated not knowing if Siwon was joking or if he was being serious, but she would take his words for a grain of salt. What could have possible happen last night…Victoria thought as she tried to remember. A part of her wants to know, but at the same time she’s somewhat scared to find out. Walking over to her closest she pulled out a hoodie from there and wore it. She felt in this tank top. And she didn’t feel comfortable with Siwon staring at her body constantly.

“Why do you always think that I don’t care about you?” Siwon sound wounded.

“It’s nothing.” She spoke not wanting to turn around and face him. Something began flashing in her mind. Little bits and pieces of last night were starting to come back to her, but nothing made sense. She only remembered going to the club, meeting Gyuri’s friends, seeing Siwon at the club and that’s all. 

“It is not nothing. Tell me? Why can’t you take my feelings for you seriously? How can you even think that I don’t care about you?” He remembered their kiss last night. He remembers her touch against him. He remembers how good her body felt between his fingertips and everywhere else. He remembered how he stopped himself from going too far because he cared about her feelings and yet for her. She remembered and feels nothing about him. And it hurts like hell knowing this.

“Did you care about me back then too when you took my ity and laughed behind my back with your fiancé about it afterwards? That was some care that was.” Victoria spoke sarcastically. “The irony of it all.” Victoria let out a small bitter chuckle. She was unable to let go of the past and she knew it. She couldn’t help, but always bring up the past.

“I made breakfast!” Gyuri spoke before either one of them could. She wanted to break the tension in the room by sounding as cheerful as could, while steering the topic in a different direction.

“You made?” Victoria knew what Gyuri was doing and she was thankful to her friend for this. Victoria didn’t want to talk about this with Siwon anymore. Their conversation will never get them anywhere and she knew this. Siwon would always want something more from her. Show her more. Give her more. He will always look towards a future with her while she would always be stuck in their past. She just can’t let go of all the hurt and betrayal she felt back then to see the person who he is now. To see any sort of future with him, as friends or as anything else. No matter what he does or say, she knows she will never be able to look pass their past to have a happy future with him. And because of this, they could never be together. She had accepted this fact already. So why can’t he? Why can’t he just let her go…let her live her life?

“I bought” Gyuri pouted. “I don’t know how to make hangover soup, but I did order you some.”

“I thought so.” Victoria whispered. Turning around she gave Gyuri a half smirk. “Thanks, bestie.” She could always count on Gyuri to take care of her. Whether she’s sick, depress or having a bad hangover Gyuri would always be there for her. “I think I’m going to go shower before we eat, is that okay?”

The affectionate nickname stung. It made Gyuri feel guilty for having her feet on both ships when she should have been on only team Victoria and that team alone. Not team Victoria and team Siwon at the same time. “Go ahead and shower. The food won’t be ready for a while.” Gyuri gave her best friend a faint smile.

Looking over at Siwon, Victoria spoke. “You should go home. Your fiancé might be worried.”

“I don’t have a fiancé anymore. I told you that already. I told you that so many times already.” Siwon tried to read her expression, but he couldn’t see anything. If anything it looked as though she doesn’t believe his words. “You know I’m telling you the truth right? I am not engaged to anyone. I broke off the engagement after you left. You have to believe me. I just couldn’t…”

Victoria interrupted him before he could continue. “I’m sorry to hear that.” She didn’t sound at all apologetic. “That’s your business, it has nothing to do with me. So if you would excuse me I am going to shower now. You should really go home.” She didn’t want to know too much about the current him. There was nothing more to know anyways. If he wasn’t with his fiancé anymore he was probably with some other girl because that is how Siwon is. There will always an endless amount of girls waiting in line just to get a piece of him. He probably has different girls in his bed every night, waiting for him, wanting him and so much more. But that girl would never be her. So why should it matter to her if he has a fiancé or not. If not a fiancé than some other girl would be there in his bed keeping him company. It shouldn’t matter and it doesn’t…it doesn’t matter, but it just stings.

“Is that how you treat a guest? Someone who took you home safely in your drunken state? I could have left you at the club, but I didn’t.” Siwon grabbed a hold of Victoria’s arm before she could walk out of the bedroom door. He just didn’t want to let her go. He wanted her close to him, like last night.

“You should stay for breakfast!” Gyuri clapped her hands together as if this was a brilliant idea. Breaking the tension between the two of them, once again.

“No!” Victoria turned around and gave Gyuri a disapproving look. “Go home.” Victoria looked up at Siwon and firmly instructed. He still had a firmed grip on her arm. Unwilling to let go of her, just yet. The way he’s holding on and the look in his eyes made it all the more unbearable for her and she just didn’t know why. Was she always so weak minded like this?

“We should at least feed him breakfast as a thanks for taking us home last night.” Gyuri nodded her head at Victoria, ushering her to do the right thing. “It’s the least you can do. You did cause him a lot of trouble last night. He had to pay the bill for the drinks last night because we were too drunk to find our credit card. Then he took us home and even helped us inside.” Gyuri went over and nudged Victoria on the other side of her arms. “It’s the least you can do. He helped us out a lot.”

Victoria hated guilt trips. She hated how Gyuri could always make her feel as if she’s the bad person. After a lengthy pause she let out a long sigh and looked over towards Gyuri then at Siwon and muttered. “Fine! Just breakfast, that’s all!” Gyuri squealed in delight and headed out Victoria’s room without another word. Gyuri was probably afraid of being stared down or lectured by Victoria at this point.

Letting go of Victoria’s arm, Siwon looked down at her, holding her glaze with his. He was unable to help himself as he reached up and her cheeks in his hand gently. “Have a good shower, Song Qian.” And with that he left, disappearing into the hallway of her house.

The way her nickname rolled off his tongue so endearingly made her insides turn. Something wasn’t right about this. He was always affectionate towards her, but something was different. Something was different with both him and Gyuri, but what? After thinking for a few seconds she tried to recall the events of last night. More images and memory came back to her, but nothing made sense. If anything it made her head hurt thinking about it. “Whatever, forget about it.” She mumbled to herself. Collecting her stuff she headed towards the direction of the bathroom.

Inside the bathroom. She ran a warm shower and got in. As the water ran down her body more memory of last night began rushing back at her. Images of kissing and touching Siwon ran across her mind and it horrified her. Thinking about it more, she began putting the puzzle together. She remembered going there with Gyuri. Meeting Gyuri’s coworkers and dancing with Jaejoong. Siwon stalked her and then they got into this huge fight outside the club. She began drinking a lot and that eventually lead to her probably passing out at the club because next thing she knew Siwon was carrying her somewhere. Waking up she remembered Siwon being there beside her on her bed. She threw herself at him thinking it was dream….

Oh god… Sinking down on the tub, she could hardly hold her balance as she recalls the incidents of last night. She shook her head in disbelief. Unable to accept the reality of the situation. No way…haha…it wasn’t like that…I couldn’t have….haha.

After a few minutes had gone by and the images became more vivid and realistic as ever, she knew it wasn’t a dream, but a horrible nightmare. Sitting against the tub she placed her head on her knees with her arms around her knee, in a fetal position. The tears began coming down fast. She couldn’t help, but sob at her own stupidity. Even if she wanted it to be a dream, she knew it wasn’t…it was a cruel twist of fate. How could I…Why did I…Oh you stupid girl. How can you make such a mistake? How can you throw yourself at him so shamelessly like that? You’re just giving him the satisfaction that you still love him…She began to sob louder. You don’t love him…you don’t….you just can’t…

Hitting herself on the leg she began lecturing. Haha…once wasn’t enough for you, huh? How does it feel to get rejected a second time by the same man…Are you satisfied? You got your answer so get over him. Stop loving him… she mocked herself as she continued to sob. You brought it on yourself…stupid, fool.

Back in the living room Gyuri stared Siwon down from across the sofa. “So…” She examined his every word and movement attentively.

“So…” Siwon asked back, questionably.

“So, what happened last night?” She looked over at Siwon curiously.

“None of your business.” He answered. Siwon wanted to keep some things between him and Victoria. “I don’t need to tell you everything, you know.”

“Oh yes you do. She’s my friend.” Gyuri crossed her arms around her chest and held her stance. She has the upper hand in this situation. He’s the one that needs her help. “Even though I was telling you to make something happen last night I was only joking with you. I didn’t think you’d actually be senseless enough to take advantage of her when she was drunk. Seriously, what the hell did you do? Do you honestly think I’ll be dumb enough to believe that nothing happened? So answer me. Did anything happen last night?”

“Nothing.” Siwon stared back at Gyuri just as serious. His arms were crossed against his chest, mimicking her action.

“Really?” Gyuri felt doubtful by his words. He was still not trustable to her.                   

“I’m being serious here. Nothing happened between us last night.” Siwon was weary with the constant questioning. His nonchalant attitude was somewhat annoying to Gyuri.

Why did I agree to help a pompous like him, again? She wanted to remind herself of why she had to put up with him. “It’s hard to believe that nothing happened. I mean, being in the same room as the girl you love. All night long. And nothing happened. Hmmm…” Gyuri pondered the idea. “So nothing happened?”

“What did you expect me to do to her? If I ed her it wouldn’t be consensual and besides, it would have been a total mess once she wakes up and finds out about what I did. I’m not stupid.” Siwon rolled his eyes and looked away. He hated telling others his business. There was some truth to his statement. He didn’t her. They did do some stuff, but it wasn’t his fault. Victoria was begging him to touch her and seeing her like that…how can he not touch her? He is a man, after all.

“At least you know when to use your brain. If you did do something to her…I don’t know how she’ll react once she woke up, but she does seem fine so I guess you were telling the truth.” Gyuri looked over at Siwon with pity. “But, I’m serious. If something did happened you should tell me because once she remembers what happened it might turn ugly.”

Thinking carefully for a moment Siwon finally spoke. “All we did was kiss and nothing more.”

“I see.” Gyuri muttered under her breathe. She pitied him to a certain extent. He does seem genuine about wanting to win Victoria back. He doesn’t seem like the heartless bastard Victoria makes him out to be in the stories she had heard about him.

For the next 15 minutes there weren’t any more words exchanged between the two of them. They were both focus on watching television, waiting for Victoria to reappear. After another 5 minutes had gone by Gyuri Looked at the clock and stood up from her spot. Looking over to Siwon, she spoke. “I’m going to go check on her. She’s been in the shower for a while now.”

“How about I go instead?” Siwon stood up, but Gyuri’s next few words made him sit back down.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea. If you go, instead of coming out she would probably stay in there even longer.” Gyuri chuckled at Siwon eagerness.

Walking up to the bathroom door Gyuri knocked on it gently. After a minute had gone by without a reply Gyuri sounded concerned as she spoke through the closed door. “Victoria…Victoria…Is everything okay? You’ve been in there for some time now...” After a few more seconds went by without a word, Gyuri felt a sense of panic. Did Victoria remember something from last night? That lying bastard…something must have happened last night. There is no way Victoria wouldn’t answer me. “Victoria…Victoria?”

Victoria hasn’t moved from her earlier position. She was still sitting in the tub with water running down on her while tears streaming down her cheeks. She didn’t want Gyuri to know she was crying, but she couldn’t completely stop the tears from falling down either. Wiping the tears from her eyes she cleared and spoke, trying to sound as composed as possible. “Yeah. Everything’s fine.” She paused for a brief second, holding back her tears and sobs just long enough to say one last thing. “I’ll be out soon.”

“Oh…okay.” Gyuri answered back before heading back into the living room.

Victoria didn’t want Gyuri nor anyone else to know that she was crying because that would only lead to questioning and she didn’t want that. Like hell, would she let Siwon find out that she had remembered everything that had happened between them last night either. The kissing, the touching, the begging…she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself for coming on to Siwon that way. She was constantly saying how she didn’t love him and that she wouldn’t be foolish enough to still want him and yet…her actions spoke otherwise. She wanted him…placing hand on her forehead she ran her fingers through her hair.

As long as Siwon doesn’t know that I had remember everything about last night than nothing has changed between us. I can just pretend like everything is fine. I can do it…I have to do it. You have to do it. I just can’t stand to see that smug look on his face. The confident look of victory, knowing that I still have some lingering feelings for him and that he’s been right all along, that I…that I…that I still care for him. That somewhere deep inside me, there is still that thing called love. The thing I can’t accept, but know I can’t run away from it forever because whenever he’s around me my heart aches.

She should hate him. She should resent him. He, who had left her behind and picked someone else over her…she should hate him for all painful feelings of hurt and loneliness he brought her. She should…but she knows that beneath all that resentment is a woman who’s still very much in love with the man who had left her behind. That deep down inside, he still holds that special spot in her heart. The spot she doesn’t dare to look into because the fear of being left behind still hurts and lingers inside her.

No matter how many times she denied her feelings for him she knew she still felt something for him because her heart ached the moment they saw each other again. As she stared at him staring back at her, that one moment the air right out of her, making it harder to breath and think because her mind and heart were being clouded with memories.

When their lips touched each other that night everything was over for her with that one first kiss they had. Everything she had worked so hard for all these years disappeared in that one moment when they touched for the first time. Because when their lips touched she knew at that moment that what she felt wasn’t only resentment, but love as well. He was the one who could ever make her heart beat that way and she knew it. It was always him and only him who can make her feel this way. There hasn’t been anyone who could replace his spot, even now. No matter who she tried to date or give a chance to, they could never come close to what he was to her so she stopped trying with other guys because it was a fruitless effort. Her heart only wanted him and no one else.

She cried that night in front of him not because of painful memories that came back, but because she realized in at that moment that she was still so in love with him. He left her and yet she’s still waiting. He forgot her, but every part of her body remember his touch. He stopped caring and yet she can’t stop herself from caring. She is unable to let go of him completely and yet can’t let herself fall back in love with him either. And that’s probably what hurts the most. Even now, all her words and actions that says I hate him, I resent him were all just an act for what she really felt. Things she didn’t want anyone to know, which was that she couldn’t get over him and that she’s still very much in love him.

His one touch made all those years of her trying to forget him feel like a waste of time because with his one touch all the feelings came rushing back to her. She thought she had forgotten him, but they are nothing but words she used to make herself seem stronger than she actually was.

When he held her hand it made her heart beat wildly. When their lips touch it made her mind unable to think. When he tells her he loves her it makes her heart ache in pleasure and pain all at once. She hate herself for still being in love with the man who had left her behind for someone else. But at the same time, she knew she couldn’t stop loving him even if she wanted to…

She doesn’t want anyone to know that she still loves him. She doesn’t want anyone to find out this secret of hers. Especially Siwon, himself. She just can’t let herself fall back in love with him and yet she can’t bring herself to forget him completely either. No matter how much she tries, her heart stills run after him. She knows this and that’s why she had tried so hard to avoid him. She tried so hard to bury her love for him deep in her heart so that no one can find out, but the more he’s around her the harder it becomes.

She knew why those dreams have been appearing. She knew why she did those things last night. She knew what her heart wants, but she just can’t accept it. Maybe that’s why her heart took advantage of her head when she became too drunk to think or function. Her heart wanted him and that’s what it got last night. Her heart told her to throw herself at him and that’s what she did. Without much thought of the consequences, she threw herself shamelessly at him. Begging him to hold her. To kiss her. To touch her. Just so that her heart can have that pleasure of being in his arms once again.

And on top of all this, she got rejected by him once again. Haha, how funny…and he says he loves you. What kind of bull is that? Love…love…haha…What do you say to that now, you stupid heart. He rejected you again. Are you still going to still hurt for someone like him? Are you still going to beat foolishly for someone like him? You shouldn’t even think about him again. You shouldn’t even want him again and yet…and yet…why are you so foolish, you never learn your lesson do you?

How can she face him now? How can she pretend that last night didn’t happen? How can she pretend that she doesn’t love him after throwing herself at him like that and feeling his hands and body all over her? How can she pretend it didn’t hurt when he rejected her once again? Can she pretend she doesn’t remember? Is she a good enough actress to pull it off, acting as if nothing is different? They say that when you are drunk, you’re the most truthful. And that was exactly it for her. She showed her true colors and feelings for him.

She could feel her lips tremble, she wanted to cry, but she wouldn’t let herself cry again. Wiping the last bit of tear in her eye she took a deep sigh. “Don’t be a fool again.” Getting up from her spot, she turned the shower nozzle to cold. She wanted the cold water to clear her mind. Let it wash away all these feelings written on her face.

Gyuri could always read through Victoria’s emotions like an open book. She was scared Gyuri would question her about why her eyes were red, and ask for the reason why she was crying? Besides being questioned, she didn’t want Siwon to know she was crying either. Closing her eyes she turned and face the cold water, letting it hit her closed eyes. It will help the swelling and redness go down, somewhat.

After a few minutes under the cold running water she turned off the water and dried herself off with the towel. Standing in front of the mirror her eyes were less red now, but looked extremely puffy. Putting a towel around her waist she headed to her room, undetected by the other two. Placing a few drops of eye drops in her eyes to reduce the redness she began getting dressed. Putting some makeup on her face she wanted to hide the swelling of her eyes under some makeup. Looking in the mirror one last time she was satisfied with the result. You could hardly tell she was crying. “The power of makeup is a scary thing,” she whispered to herself before heading down the hall towards the living room.

“You can pull it off,” she muttered some encouraging words to herself before taking a deep inhale and entering the living room area. Once she set foot in the room she began scanning the room for Gyuri instantly, but Gyuri was nowhere in sight. Instead she saw Siwon sitting on the sofa staring at her. Turning away from him she headed towards the kitchen to search for Gyuri without saying a word to him.

“She’s not there.” He spoke as if he could read her mind “She went to pick up the breakfast she had ordered earlier. She said she’ll be back soon. Are you hungry?”

Without a word she turned back around and began heading towards her bedroom, silently. She didn’t want to see him right now. She hasn’t thought about how she’ll will face him and the situation just yet. She knew why she did it, but she didn’t want him to know. It would be better if Gyuri was around. It would feel less awkward.

Seeing her walk away from him, Siwon stood up instantly and walked after her hastily. Grabbing her arm he spoke “are you avoiding me?” She didn’t turn to face him, she just stood in place. She didn’t yelling at him for touching her like she normal does. She didn’t yank her arm from his, but her arms felt shaky for some reason. She was silent. “Do you remember what happened last night?” His question came out cautiously. He’s scared of how she might react once she finds out. He might joke about last night with her, but he didn’t want her to remember anything…or regret anything.

His words stung her. She knew she would have to face him somehow, but she was just not prepared to face him at this moment. She needed more time. She was scared she wouldn’t be able to hide it. Closing her eyes she was thankful that he couldn’t see her face right now. She probably had an agonizing expression on her face.

Taking a deep breath she shot her eyes open and sprung around, looking at him dead in the eyes for a second before pulling her glaze away. She looked towards the ground as she spoke. Her words were sharp as daggers, but she avoided answering his last question. “Duh! Get a clue. I have always hated seeing that sadistic, arrogant face of yours. It’s sickening and disgusting to look at. I hate seeing you. I hate being around you. I just hate knowing you are breathing the same air as I am. I hate everything that involves you. I hate and resent it all. If I don’t have to see you, why would I want to? If you want to call that avoiding you, then that is what it is.”

He wanted to kiss that evil mouth of hers, but he stopped himself. She was just saying these things to get to him, he knew that, but it still hurts like hell to hear. “Did you recall anything from last night?” She was averting his glaze and that felt fishy.

She yanked her arms away from his grip and looked away from him. She was scared he could see through her lies. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go get my phone in my room.” She walked towards her room in a quick motion. …that didn’t go so well. Act normal, Victoria. Act like your usual self, she reminded herself.

He knew better than to go after her. He didn’t want to fight with her. He could have just told her what had happened last night between them. What she did, what they did, but he didn’t want to. Or rather he didn’t want to see what expression she’ll bear once she finds out. Will she regret it? Will she push him further away? Will she hate him more than she already does? Or will she end up hating herself for it? So many questions ran through his mind and he’s fearful of knowing these answers because he knew most of them wouldn’t come with good results.

Just then Gyuri came back. Taking a step into the house she saw Siwon standing in the hallway looking down the hallway towards Victoria’s closed bedroom door. That was a back of a man in pain. His back view looked lonely and sad, staring at that closed door. “This doesn’t look good” she mumbled under her breathe.

Slamming the door behind her, Gyuri knew it would catch Siwon’s attention. He stopped looking at Victoria’s door and turn his attention towards her. She gave him a weak smile and began shouting at the top of her lungs, “the food is here. Now Victoria stop locking yourself in your room and get your out here. I’m god damn hungry!”

Victoria opened the door to her room and saw Siwon standing in the hallway in the same spot she had left him moments earlier. He hasn’t moved. Without saying a word she walked down the hall and passed by him without a word nor a glance in his direction. She charged forward towards Gyuri, who was putting the bags of food on the table. “What took you so long?” Victoria complained. She tried her best to act as if everything was fine.

“The place was packed this morning. The owner laughed when he found out it was me, who was ordering the hangover soup for you.” Gyuri looked over to Victoria and gave her a smile. When Victoria smiled back, something felt off about it, but Gyuri just couldn’t put her finger on it. “Actually he was surprised that you were the one who had gotten drunk. Did you know we’ve become his regulars in less than 2 months moving here? He actually remembered my face!” Gyuri teased. Heading towards the kitchen she spoke again, “I’m going to go get some plates and bowls.”

“Is that something to be proud about?” Victoria rolled her eyes at Gyuri sarcastically. “You know you go somewhere too often when they start recognizing your face and know what you’ll order before you even order.” Victoria began taking the containers and boxes out of the bags, placing them on the table with the lids off.

Siwon had followed Victoria down the hall towards the table in silence. Taking a seat across from where she stood, he looked at her while she took the boxes out of the bags. He studied her actions and words. She was completely concentrated on her task. Seeing that Gyuri didn’t respond to Victoria, Siwon saw his chance. “Are you really going to be like this? Can’t you just look at me or talk to me? What did I do to make you so mad?” He asked in desperation.

Victoria didn’t utter a word to him. She continued her silence war games with him. “Why are you so stubborn? Do you really hate me that much?” He didn’t get her. She was fine before she showered. She was yelling at him and arguing just like she always does, but…something clicked in his mind. Did she remember? He wondered, in fear.

Taking a deep breath she collected her courage and her thoughts. She had to face him. Looking towards Siwon, she held her stare to his. She knew she couldn’t back down. She can’t let him find out. In a calm tone she spoke, “you’re a funny one. I have told you numerous of times before how much I hated you already. How I can’t stand being around you. Did you think I was joking when I said these words? Why ask me now, when I have always said I hate you, over and over again to you? What more do you want from me?  Do you not understand my words or do you choose not to hear them?”

“It’s not that I don’t understand those words, it’s just I don’t believe that those words are your actual feelings.” Siwon gave her this affectionate gaze that she didn’t want to see from him. Especially what you did last night. When people get drunk, they show their inner most hidden feelings and desires. I know you felt it too, but what’s stopping you from loving me? Why can’t you just love me, I know you want to love me so why are you stopping yourself dammit. He wanted to say, but stopped himself.

“There’s no point in arguing with you.” Victoria turned her attention to the containers. “NO matter how many times we argue, you will only think what you want to think. My explanations have always been meaningless to you. You just can’t accept that I stop caring or that I have stopped wanting you long ago.”

“You…me…last night…” Siwon ran his fingers through his hair. He felt frustrated by Victoria, but couldn’t bring himself to talk about last night. He didn’t want to see her reaction, or her rejection. “Victoria, I know you felt it. Whenever we’re together. Whenever we’re around each other, it’s just….I know you felt what’s between us. You can’t deny that there’s something...that love still exist between us….I know you still love me…”

Victoria interrupted Siwon before he could continue. She didn’t want to hear any more of his words. Those words ache down to every core of her. “I feel nothing when you’re around me. It’s your own imagination. Your illusion of my feelings. I told you once before. I have stopped loving you for a long time already. All I feel now is hate and you’re making me hate you with each passing day when you’re acting like this.” Turning her attention back to the task at hand, getting the stuff out of the bag. She didn’t want him to see through her. That she is hurt by her very own words.

Siwon stood up and reached up towards Victoria. Gabbing her face in his palm, he pulled her face towards his, forcing her to look at him. Their eyes locked onto one another. His words came out in a low begging whisper. He was desperate for her to understand his feelings. How could he possibly get his feelings across to her, he did all that he could. “I love you.” He wanted her to see what he felt through his eyes as he spoke. “I love you so much that it hurts me every time you push me away like this. I hate it when you hurt yourself by feeding yourself these lies.”

Victoria scoffs before breaking into a hysterical laughter. In a sarcastic tone she spoke, “Ha! What a funny thing to say. Who knew that even Satan, himself, had a heart to love? And here I thought he only knew how to love himself while only knowing how to torture others. Me love you? Don’t make me laugh. Get over yourself.”

Before Siwon could reply to Victoria’s comment. Gyuri came back from the kitchen and interrupted them by putting the plates between them, cutting the tension. “Okay, children. Stop with all this fighting at the breakfast table.”

“He started it.” Victoria rolled her eyes and made a smacking sound with her lips. She knew that what she had just said must have sounded like a kindergartener to the other two, but she didn’t care.

Siwon knew that arguing with Victoria would probably get nowhere so he decided not to say another word. Pulling his chair out he was about to sit down when Gyrui stopped him. “Siwon. I forgot to get the rice. Could you be a dear and put some rice in these bowls for us?” Gyuri push three empty bowl towards him.

Even though he was reluctant to do as Gyuri had instructed he saw Gyuri widen her eyes, hinting that she wanted alone time with Victoria. “Uhhh…sure.” He stood up and began making his way to the kitchen. If I can’t get through to her, at least her friend should be able to, Siwon thought to himself.

Gyuri turned and snared at Victoria. “Why are you being so mean to him? He is a guest. And he did help me bring you home last night.”

“Mean? Oh please. You haven’t seen mean yet.” Victoria rolled her eyes at Gyuri before sitting down in the chair. “And quit using the fact that he brought me home last night as an excuse. So what if he brought me home, do I owe him my life for one gesture?” Crossing her arms around her chest she continued to speak harshly, not letting Gyuri put in her two cent. “Mean…ha! I’ve always been like this to him. Why do I need to be kind to someone like him? With all the things that he’s done, he doesn’t deserve my kindness. And besides, since when do you care how I treat him?” Victoria looked at Gyuri suspiciously. “So why are you so nice to him all of a sudden, why the sudden change in attitude towards him all of a sudden? I thought you said you hate him just as much as I did, if not, more.”

“I don’t hate him, but I don’t practically like him either. I’m indifferent towards him. I just think that you’re being pretty harsh to someone who’s doing nothing, but nice things for you that’s all. Even when you’re mean to him, he still come running back to you because he loves you. He said he loves you so many times and done so much just to prove it to you. I think he must have had a good reason for back then…” Gyuri looked over at Victoria with pity. She wanted to tell Victoria everything, but it wasn’t the right time to do so, just yet.

Victoria scoffed. “You must be kidding me…are you seriously siding with him?” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“I’m serious. I know you hate him and everything, but compared to the stories you have told me, it doesn’t seem like he’s the same guy as the one in your stories. He seems like he has changed and isn’t the same guy anymore. And like I have said, maybe he has his reason for why he couldn’t be with you back then…” Gyuri gave Victoria a weak smile. “Maybe if you give it time and give him a chance, maybe he’ll one day find the courage to tell you the honest truth?”

“Haha…hahaha…” All Victoria could do was laugh bitterly at Gyuri’s words. And you say you’re on my side. Apparently not. Some great friend you are. It hurts hearing your friend defend the person you hate and not you. Feeling betrayed by her best friend made her say something she couldn’t take back. “Do you like Siwon? Did you fall for his charms like all the other girls out there? Is that why you’re acting like this?”

“Are you kidding me?” The words came out of Gyuri in a gasp. She was hurt, angered and baffled by Victoria’s accusation.

“I wouldn’t be surprise.” Victoria shrugged her shoulders, sounding indifferent by Gyuri’s reaction. She wanted to show Gyuri how hurt she was by hurting Gyuri just as much in return. She knew it wasn’t a smart thing to do, but she was too angry to even think straight. “He has everything you want in a guy. Good look, check. Tall, check. Manly, check. Smart, check. Successful, check….”

Gyuri interrupted Victoria before she could continue with her list. “Wait a minute. Wait a god damn minute. Are you seriously saying this to me right now? Are you ing kidding me?” Gyuri felt livid hearing these words. “How could you even think…how could those thoughts even cross your mind?…Like how could you even…” Gyuri felt frustrated that she couldn’t express her feelings to Victoria right now. How mad and hurt she is by these words Victoria had just said.

“Why not? You guys would look good together. I don’t mind.” Victoria looked over at Gyuri and smiled. “Go for it. I’ll root for you.”

“Haha…you’re out of your ing mind, aren’t you?” Gyuri was pissed, but she knew Victoria was just saying these words as a revenge for siding with Siwon, but even so…saying these words as a childish retaliation was beyond Gyuri. How could Victoria go this far? “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. Talk to me when you decide to grow up.”

“Why not? I’m just being honest. I think you guys would make a good couple. Besides you’ve been saying nice things about him for the past week or so. If he’s such a good guy and great catch, why don’t you try falling in love with him instead of trying to push him on to me?” Victoria knew she shouldn’t say this, but the words came out without much thought. She was letting her anger take control of the words and actions coming out of her.

“Being honest? Don’t make me laugh. You know why I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. You’re being utterly ridiculously and stupid with your words right now. I know you’re mad that I let him come into our house and that I’m siding with him, but no need to go that far with your anger. Just think about it, did I say anything wrong? You know I was speaking the truth, you just couldn’t accept it that’s all.” Gyuri glared at Victoria with unyielding eyes. She was just as hut and angered with Victoria as Victoria is with her.

“I’m not mad at you for letting him into our house. I don’t really give a damn about that anymore, actually. I just think that since you always speak so fondly of him, you might as well just be with him if he’s such a great person as you make him out to be. Please don’t push your great opinions of him on me, keep them to yourself because I’m not interested in how great or nice he is. If you are interested in him, yourself, I just thought I’d let you know that I’m okay with you dating him. I don’t mind you being with him. If anything I’m happy for you. That’s just my honest opinion.” Victoria crossed her arms and held her stance. Her words stung her, but she didn’t care. She knew she shouldn’t say these words, but people tend to be irrational when they are angry.

Gyuri knew she shouldn’t go there, but she did. She couldn’t hold back anymore, her anger was boiling. “Just like your honest opinion. I wants to tell you that in my honest opinion I think that what you are saying is foolish. You should just admit it. You still want to be with him. You know it hurts saying you want other girls to be with him. You know you’re still very much in love with him, so why bother hiding it. Don’t lie to yourself and say you don’t. Doesn’t it hurt you to say you don’t love him when you do? Doesn’t it hurt you to push him to others? You still love him, dammit, just admit it. I know it. He knows it. Everyone knows you still love him. You just can’t accept it because he had hurt you so badly in the past. Why do you always say things to hurt those around you when you know you don’t mean them? The one hurting the most by your words are only you and him…” …anger took control of my emotions. Dammit. The words came out before Gyuri could stop them. It was the wrong way to approach this issue, but Victoria was cornering her. Letting out a long sigh she knew that this could only go one way and most likely all this will backfire and go up in flames.

“I don’t love him! Why does everyone still think I love him?” Victoria knew Gyuri could read her expression so she looked the other way. She didn’t want Gyuri to catch her in her lies. Of course my heart hurts when I say those things, but so what? I know I still love him, but so what? She has gotten this far, and she’s not about to back down. “I’m not stupid enough to still be in love with him. I regret ever being in love with him the first time. What makes you think I’ll still be stupid enough to make the same mistake twice and let myself love him a second time?” Her words didn’t sound reassuring even to her own ears. She knew she wanted to love him again, but she’s stopping herself from doing so. In a low mumble she spoke, “he can never bring me happiness. Only pain and resentment comes with loving him. I can’t be with someone who can’t bring me happiness, but only sorrow.”

Siwon was listening this whole time in the doorway, but didn’t say a word until now. He couldn’t hold back anymore. “You really weren’t going to give me a second chance, huh? Do you really regret loving me that much? Can you seriously not forgive my mistakes?”

Victoria was startled hearing Siwon’s speak. For a moment, just for a split second her mind went blank. She was unable to answer him, just for that brief second. Regaining her composure and collecting her thoughts she spoke. “Isn’t it obvious by now? I have said everything I could to you already. You just won’t accept it for what it is. I don’t know how much more blunt I could have been with my words than that. I told you that it was a mistake to have been in love with you from the start. If I could undo it all, I would in a heartbeat. Falling in love with you is one of my biggest regret and mistake.”

Laughing bitterly he spoke, sounding wounded. “I see…haha. I should have known you’d answer me that way, you cold hearted women. I know and yet, I foolish thought you’d answer me honestly just this once. Just this once I wanted to hear your honest words, but you disappointed yet again.” He looked so broken by her answer. Even though he knew that they weren’t how she really felt, it still hurts him to hear it. His answer to her words were stern and honest, unlike hers. “You were never a mistake to me. I never regretted loving you. Not then, not now, and not ever. You always have been everything to me. Everything I want. All that I need. You don’t even know how much you mean to me…the years you left…” He was unable to finish his sentence. Unable to get his point across to her because he had so much he wanted to say that he didn’t know where to start.

“Let’s stop this, Siwon. We’re just going in circles with all this. This is an endless process that will never get any real results. You’re tired. I’m tired.  Let’s just end it once and for all. Lay your cards out for me. What do you want from me? Like honestly…what could I possibly give you? I don’t have anything to give you and you know it. Don’t give me that bull answer of wanting me back and stuff. I can’t give you that. You know that. I know that. We just can’t. What can I do to make you understand that it’s over between us, that it has been over between us for a long time now and that it’s time to move on? Can’t you just let me move on?” His words hurt her. They hit her hard, but her stubbornness won’t let her heart win this battle. If her heart wins then she’s just asking for heartbreak.

“This is the last time I’ll ask you this. Just answer me honestly, just this once. Do you really honestly believe that you don’t love me? Can you really stand being away from me?” He swallowed hard. He didn’t want to hear her answer it because most likely it’ll come out a lie, but he wanted to take a risk once again. He wanted to hear her be truthful to him just once. “Because for me, if you’re not there life would be meaningless. It was meaningless and empty throughout the 10 years you had disappeared. Can you bear the pain of letting me go because I know I can’t…I can’t let you go no matter how much you try to hurt me because the pain of losing you is a greater one than any other.”

“If I want you to leave me alone, would actually do it? You wouldn’t, would you? So why bother asking me if you’re not going to comply with my wishes.” Victoria stared at him with unyielding eyes like he has been doing to her. She wanted to look as if she meant her words.

Siwon could only laugh at his own foolishness for thinking that this time she’ll answer differently. “Haha…you’re right. Hahah.” Walking over to where she stood, he pulled her face towards his until their faces were inches apart, he spoke. His voice became harsher than before and yet it sounded so desperate at the same time. “I would never leave you alone even if you beg me to because the last time I did that you ran away. You ing vanish from my life without a trace or a goodbye besides that stupid letter. You should know, you aren’t the only one who’s hurting you know. Do you know how much you hurt me? That time you had left, your words and actions now. They all hurt. They hurt me so much, but I love you too much to let go even if it hurts.”

Letting go of her face he knew he was losing control. His voice was shaking and his breathing was uneven. He can’t talk to her anymore. This conversation was taking all his energy and willpower to stay calm. He just wanted to throw her over his shoulders and drag her to his place and lock her up in a cage forever. Never let her leave his sight. Never allow her to say such cruel and hurtful words to him anymore. He wanted to do all these things, but he couldn’t because he loves her too damn much.

Saying one last thing to Victoria before leaving, he just couldn’t bear to be in the same room with her anymore. He doesn’t know how he could restrain himself from taking completely control of her if he’s here any longer. Running his fingers through his hair he spoke, “can’t you still how hard I’m trying with everything? I’m at the end of my wits trying to please you. It’s like nothing I could do will ever make you want to be with me again and yet I’m still foolishly trying because I just love you so much. I just can’t give you up even if I wanted to.” After a long sigh he spoke once more. “I should have just ed you last night when I had the chance to, but I didn’t. Do you know why? It’s because I love you too god damn much to do anything to you without your approval. I wanted to wait for you. Wait until you accept me again. Or at least when my love could reach you.” Pulling her face closer to his, he sounded wounded. “Every word I have said back then, about loving you. About not being able to let anyone else have you. That I wanted you and only you, and nobody else. I meant every word of it. I have loved you back then, and I still love you even now. You weren’t the only one who was hurting back then you know. When I pushed you away that time, I was hurting just as much as you were. But I didn’t want you to know because I had my reasons…I must be a fool standing here in front of you, begging you to love me all the time because apparently I’m the only one who’s stupid enough to still love you even when all you do is hurt me.”

After that Siwon left and the room fell silent. It made Victoria’s heart ache more than ever. The pain was unbearable. His words pierce through her like daggers. He was right. He has shown he loved her more than she had ever shown him, even back then. Even with her pushing him away, hurting him, he never gave up. He was always there to take in what she gives, no matter how cruel and painful her words and actions were. He was always there waiting for her. Hoping for her to come around.

Her stubborn pride would never let her heart win. She loves him, but she isn’t confident that he won’t hurt her again. That he won’t leave her again. That he wouldn’t just get up and leave her for someone else. If she doesn’t have faith in him then she doesn’t have faith in their future either and for that, they can never have a future together. There will never be a future for the two of them. And it hurts her knowing that than hearing him say all these things to her. “I’m not hungry. Go on and eat without me.” She murmured to Gyuri. Before she quickly paced towards her room. She was unable to hold back the tears anymore and didn’t want Gyuri to see how his words had affected her.

Shutting the bedroom door behind her, she slide down against the door and began to sob. I know it already, you didn’t have to tell me. I was the one who came on to you. I shamelessly threw myself at you. You were the one that stopped it from getting too far. You were the one that warned me not to continue going any further because I was only doing it because I was drunk. That you don’t want me to regret it and make it out to be a mistake. Don’t make it sound like you’re the bigger person because you didn’t me last night, Choi Siwon. Don’t make it sound like you love me and only me all these years. That you couldn’t love anyone other than me. That you only have me in your mind and no other girl. Saying you have been waiting for me for 10 years now and still waiting for me. Don’t make it sound like you are the victim here. ‘You hurt me too’ his words echo in her mind. “Well you hurt me so ing much, you don’t even now…” Victoria whispered through sobs before sobbing even louder. Burying her face in her palm she let the pain out through her tears.

She knows she loves him. She knows it, but doesn’t want everyone else to know it. But too late. Now that everyone else has also know it how can she face them and still want to hide this truth? She knows she can never be with him and even if she wants to let him go, her heart won’t budge. If he left her alone…if she never came back Korea her old feelings wouldn’t have resurface. If they never saw each other again her heart wouldn’t waver. She shouldn’t love him…she can’t… how long can she go on pretending she doesn’t? Loving him is easy, but letting go of the past is the hard part.

Gyuri’s head knocked gently against Victoria’s door. Even though Victoria didn’t say a word. Gyuri could hear sounds of sobbing through the closed door. “Why say things you don’t mean, stupid? I told you. It’ll only hurt you more in the long run. What a stupid thing to do, thinking you can win if you go against your heart like this you fool.” She whispered, knowing her words could never reach Victoria because Victoria is unable to accept anything that Siwon gives her because she is afraid of history repeating itself.

 

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For the rest of the day Victoria didn’t bother coming out of her room. Gyuri was tempted to knock on the door and urge Victoria to eat, but she didn’t know how to face her friend without feeling guilty, either. From other’s standpoint they could see why Victoria was so mad at Gyuri. She had somewhat chosen Siwon over Victoria without meaning to.

Waking up the next day Victoria felt even worse than the day before. She wasn’t sad anymore, but rather rage took over her. She was mad at herself for still loving that bastard. For still having feelings even now and for others to have found out. She was mad at herself for showing him her weakness that she was still in love with him. She should have been stronger, she shouldn’t have slip up that night. She should have been a better actress, showing him that he means nothing to her now, but she couldn’t.

She was mad at Siwon for everything. For the hurt she felt and for his persistence nature. Why couldn’t he just leave her to alone? Let her live her life…if he did that then maybe she’ll be over by now. It’s so hard to forget someone who keeps on appearing in front of you, saying sweet things to you. Giving her hope and making her waver with his every word.

She was mad at Gyuri for allowing Siwon into their home. For some reason she just couldn’t understand why Gyuri was being so nice to Siwon all of a sudden. Gyuri had kept on insisting that Victoria was being too harsh and hard on Siwon. That Siwon wasn’t the guy Victoria had made him out to be. Just whose side is Gyuri on?

Victoria knew she had no right to be mad at people for her own mistakes, but without them there wouldn’t have been any mistakes made. She wouldn’t have kissed him or have thrown herself at him. Her darkest secret about still loving him wouldn’t have been discovered. But all this happened and she had no one to blame, but herself. It was her fault for drinking too much that night. It was her fault for not being able to tell fantasy from reality.

She knew her actions for the upcoming days were childish, but she didn’t know any other way to cope with the situation when she’s mad and hurt except to inflict pain on others. Letting them know just how hurt she was by their actions, especially the person who’s the closest to her; Gyuri.

 

Cold War day 1:

“I brought breakfast,” said Gyuri as she walked through their house door, carrying two bags of to-go food. Looking over at Victoria who was sitting on the sofa Gyuri felt that the situation was weird.

Not saying a word to Gyuri, Victoria continued to stare at the television.

“Hello, earth to Victoria?” Gyuri walked over to the dining table and placed the bags on the table and turned her attention to Victoria once more. Seeing that Victoria hasn’t utter a word of reply unlike her usual self. Gyuri knew exactly what was going on. “Are you still mad at me?” Gyuri tried to not sound guilty, but she knew she was.

Victoria wasn’t speaking and that made Gyuri feel even worst. Letting out a sigh, Gyuri spoke in a low tone. “Aren’t you being a little childish here? Aren’t we a little too old for the silent treatment routine?” After another pause of silence she spoke once again. “Seriously, why are you mad at me? What did I do?”

Even though Gyuri said those words, she knew exactly why Victoria was mad, but she rather hears the reason then get the silent treatment from her best friend.

 

Cold War day 3:

Even when Victoria was mad she usually would speak to Gyuri, but after the third day the situation didn’t look like it would improve any time soon.

“Want to go see a movie? Want to go out to dinner? Want to go shopping?” Gyuri bombarded Victoria with a string of questions. After the silent pause had filled the room for long enough, Gyuri knew she would not get any answer out of Victoria. “Seriously…how long are you going to give me the silent treatment? This is getting absurd now. I know why you’re mad at me, but you know it’s not completely my fault.”

She let out a sigh before continuing. “It happened already, just get over it. I shouldn’t have gotten his help, but I did. Yes, I shouldn’t have allowed him into our house, but I did. I shouldn’t have let him sleep in your room, but I did. These things won’t change. It already happened and I’m sorry. I just...you…it’s that…” Gyuri was unable to form a sentence with her current thoughts. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing, but she knew that no matter what she say it won’t change what she did.

Seeing Victoria’s uncaring face made Gyuri frustrated. Sighing deeply, she said one last thing before heading off to work. “Nevermind…”

 

Cold War day 5:

“Are you still going to play the ignore Gyuri game?” Gyuri looked over at Victoria, who was sitting at the breakfast table. “It’s been 5 days already, Victoria. How long do you plan on continuing this?”

Not hearing any answer once again she sighed heavily. She knew something must have happened between Siwon and Victoria that night, for things to have turned out this way. Victoria wasn’t one of those girls who would get mad and fuss over little things for a long period of time. Usually their fights never last more than a few days and yet this has gone on for almost a week already.

“I don’t know what to say to you to make you talk to me, but you know I was only speaking the truth that day. You say you hate him and dislike him, but everyone knows otherwise. No matter how much you push him away or say mean things to him, I know you don’t mean what you say. I can tell that you’re hurting when you say those words to him, it’s written on your face. You just don’t act like yourself when he’s around. I just don’t get why you won’t accept the fact that you still love him? He had hurt you, but people could change and for all you know he might have his own reason why he did what he did…”Gyuri turned to look at Victoria, but she had her face turned the other way. “I know it must have looked like I’m on his side and that’s probably what’s hurting you the most, but you know that, that isn’t the case. I’m always on your side. I just…don’t want you to look so miserable looking at him. Even when you try to act strong and hold your stance around him, the look in your eyes are still full of affection and longing. You looked so lonely and lost when he’s around. I can’t help, but wonder why you’re not with him when you obviously still love him.”

Letting out another sigh she spoke, “you know what. I have enough on my plate without all this bull. If you want to act like a child, so be it. Do what you want. I don’t give a damn anymore.” And with her last sentence she stood up and left the living room. Leaving Victoria to think over her words.

The next few day weren’t any better. For a matter of fact, things had gotten worst after Gyuri’s honest little confession.

Victoria have been staying at home after their fight, but after Gyuri’s words last night Victoria would only come home every few days now. And Gyuri was dying to know where Victoria has been sleeping these past few days, but even if she asked Victoria, she wouldn’t have gotten an answer from her.

Victoria was the type that doesn’t like to talk about her emotions and feelings very often. She’ll talk when she’s ready and when she’s not, she’ll just hold it in and for Gyuri to have laid out all of Victoria’s feelings on the table like that must have been a huge blow for Victoria. She’s been trying so hard to not let this secret get discovered because she was embarrassed and ashamed of it. Her heart was still beating for the man who had left her.

It was her dark secret and she didn’t want anyone finding out about it because she had always acted like she was over him when she wasn’t. She always acted so tough when she was actually weak. She always seemed like she didn’t care about him when she still did. His every word and action still affected her, whether she wanted to admit it or not. She was still chasing after his shadow and hasn’t stopped chasing it ever since long ago…

It was all so suffocating and she wanted to run away from it all.

 

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Walking into the pub Gyuri stood at the doorway and scanned the room. Seeing her target at a corner table with a female and two other male, she made her way to where they were.

Looking up, Siwon saw Gyuri standing across from where he sat. "Well that was quick. I thought I wouldn’t see you for at least another half an hour.” He nodded his head towards a seat across from where he was sitting. “Have a seat. Guys, this is Gyuri Park. Gyuri, these are my friends Donghae, T.O.P. and…. ”

Before Siwon could continue with the introductions he was interrupted. “We’ve meet before.” Holding out her hand she greeted Gyuri. “Nice to see you again, Gyuri.”

“Nice to see you again too, Miss. Kim.” Gyuri eyed Siwon than Hyuna, who was next to him. She could see why Victoria couldn’t see herself being with Siwon. He has this player type of vibe coming from him, someone who won’t be able to commit to one person. He always had girls around him and even when he didn’t. Girls were constantly staring at him.

“Just call me, Hyuna.” She gave Gyuri a sweet smile.

“Is this the girl you guys were talking about a while back?” Donghae looked at Gyuri curiously, scanning every inch of her. “Mhmmm…” He had a pleased look on his face. He could understand why Siwon likes her.

“But she doesn’t look like those other girls,” T.O.P. added on.

His statement made Gyuri curious as to what those words meant. “Other girls?”

“Uhh…it’s nothing.” T.O.P. steered the conversation to something else, avoiding the topic all together. “So how long have you known each other?”

“Answer the question.” Gyuri wasn’t willing to let go of the topic so easily.

“It’s nothing important.” Siwon shrugged it off. His tone was indifferent as he continued, “I just have a tendency to pick girls who look like Victoria to bring home for a little late night action that’s all.”

“You’re ing disgusting.” Gyuri narrowed her eyes at him. “And you wonder why I don’t trust you completely.”

“Well it’s better than bringing Victoria home and doing that to her. At least these girls are willing to come home with me. At least they want to talk to me and be with me.” Siwon let out a small bitter chuckle and took a sip of his drink.

“And yet you want to be with her. How would she feel if she finds out about all this? You say you love her and wants to be with her and yet, on the other hand, you’re sleeping around with different girls every night. God, knows how many diseases you’ve contracted over the years” Gyuri shook her head, feeling disgusted by this. If she knew he was like this she wouldn’t have helped him. “I guess all men are the same. They say one thing and do another.”

“Don’t put me with the same type of guys you know.” Siwon glared at Gyuri with murderous eyes. “Of course I’m patient and could wait for her. It’s just… just…I don’t know. There are times when being around her gets too much. When she says things like she has someone else that she is in love someone else and not me. When she says those things to me, I just lose control. Even if they’re not true, I just hate hearing it. She can be mad at me. She can hate me all she wants. I just don’t like the idea of other guys touching her or kissing her. She’s mine…” He took another sip of his cold beer.

“She’s not yours,” Gyuri rolled her eyes. Why do people think they have the right to ‘own’ someone else? Even if you’re dating someone or with someone, you don’t ‘own’ them. They aren’t a property or a thing that you can claim.

“She is mine!” Siwon’s voice was louder than it should have been. Letting out a sigh, he spoke. “So what did you want to talk to me about?”

“About that night. What happened?” Gyuri went straight to the point. “Don’t give me that bull that nothing happened because right now she’s pretty pissed off at me. She might be mad I let you stay over, but if something didn’t happen between the two of you that night, she wouldn’t be mad at me for this long.”

“Wait…you came over to her house?” Hyuna looked over at Siwon, looking doubtful. “Are you an idiot or what?”

“Wait, wait, wait. I’m confused.” Donghae interrupted them. “So is she the one or isn’t she?”

T.O.P. hit Donghae on the back of his head. “Are you stupid or just slow? They’ve been talking about this girl name Victoria this whole time so it means they are two different people, stupid.”

“But how come you came over Gyuri’s house?” Donghae still looked puzzled by the situation.

“Victoria is my best friend and my roommate. She is Siwon’s childhood friend and someone he still loves. He wants to get back together with her so he came to me, asking for my help. When I let him come over, apparently something happened between him and my best friend and now she’s pissed off at me…wait, wait, wait. Why do I have to even explain this to you? Who are you again?” Gyuri felt dumbfounded by her blabbermouth tendency. She was airing their dirty laundry for strangers to hear.

“Just a by standard who wants to help.” Donghae smiled at Gyuri cunningly.

“I think we should talk in private about this,” Gyuri felt a ting of guilt. It was bad enough to betray Victoria, but to tell the whole world about it was something else.

“Just pretend we’re not here and aren’t listening,” said T.O.P.

“But you are.” Gyuri furrowed her brows. Unpleased with the turn of events.

“Well you’ve already told us the whole situation so we basically know everything already, there’s no harm in telling us more. A few minds are better than one. We can help you guys with ideas and how to turn this situation around so that Victoria isn’t mad at you anymore. We can also try to help you with the planning and scheming to get Siwon and Victoria back together.” Hyuna smirked at them. She was a damn good negotiator and she knew it. Her words made Gyuri feel as if it was a better idea to let others in on the plan than just her and Siwon plan it out themselves. “And besides, it’s not like you guys even notice us. You were blabbing about it this whole time.”

Thinking for a few minutes, Gyuri knew Hyuna was right. It’s not like it’ll make the situation worst if a few more people knew about it. Even if Gyuri hadn’t told anyone about it, Siwon probably did. These people were his friends and he probably confided in them. She was doing all this to help Victoria. Just like her, there are bound to be friends also helping him too. Maybe this is a good thing. She could get some more information about Siwon’s character. She still couldn’t completely trust him, 100%, just yet. “I guess…” Gyuri gave them a faint smile. The guilt was even heavier than before.

“So…she’s mad at you?” Siwon sounds like he was pitying Gyuri.

“Yep.” Gyuri shook her head. She knew that Victoria could be your greatest ally when she’s happy and worst enemy when she’s mad, especially when she’s so mad she doesn’t want to see you nor speak to you. “Don’t sound like you’re pitying me. I know what I did wrong and now I’m paying for the poor choices I have made. Now it’s your turn. Tell me what you did to make her that way.”

“It wasn’t anything…it’s just that night…things happen and I thought maybe she’ll forget it or won’t be able to recall it after she had sobered up, but I guess she remembered it.” Siwon looked at Gyuri who was glaring at him from across the table. Of course he knew she’ll remember it eventually, but a part of him still hoped she wouldn’t ever recall it.

“Continue…” Gyuri muttered, in a hard clipped tone. “Go on with it. Spill it!” Gyuri was forceful in her approach for the truth.

“She just thought that she was dreaming when she did it...” he chuckled, remembering how cute and yet so very seductive Victoria had been that night. She had him in the palm of her hands that night and he was seconds away from giving into her demands. “She came on to me.”

“She came on to you?” Gyuri’s mouth was opened widely, unable to comprehend the situation.

“Yeah…she came on to me.” Siwon was defensive in his next statement which made the situation even worst. “But I stopped her before it went too far. I didn’t go for it…we really didn’t do anything.”

“So you basically rejected her?” Hyuna widen her eyes in disbelief.

Hearing this made Gyuri’s stomach turn. It made Gyrui feel even worst that she had helped Siwon out by telling him to call Victoria by her middle name. It makes Victoria more affectionate and loving when she hears people call her by that name. And after all that, Siwon had once again rejected Victoria. …guilt is not a good feeling.

“It’s not like that…It’s not that I didn’t want to. But it’s just…you know. I just couldn’t do that to her. I didn’t want to take advantage of her when she’s in that state. She was still intoxicated from the alcohol so I didn’t want to touch her. But she was begging me and I couldn’t help, but give in. I wanted her so badly, but I didn’t want her to only want me because she was drunk or that she was thinking it was just a dream. I wanted her to want me for me, not use alcohol as an excuse.”

Letting out a sigh he continued. “I just love her so much and at that moment when she kissed me, I did have thoughts of wanting to go further, but I knew that if we did she would most likely hate herself and me even more so than she already does. She was always saying she regretted ever falling in love me, but I know she didn’t mean it. But this time, I knew that if we did do it she’ll really regret it and it won’t be just another thing she just says, just to piss me off. She’ll actually mean it this time. I just didn’t want to see her with that expression.” Siwon felt a ting of pain in his chest. “I don’t want her to regret loving me. I don’t think I could bear it. I just…love her so damn much that it hurts. I just don’t know what to do sometimes.” Siwon ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “She’s so difficult…”

This was huge. No wonder Victoria was so pissed off. It was one thing to have your darkest secret get discovered by the last person you would have wanted to have found out about it, but it was another to be rejected twice by the same person. this is bad. I kept telling Victoria the good points about Siwon and yet inside she was probably having a hard time dealing with his rejection this whole time.

She tried so hard to put up a front, acting tough and acting as if she’s over him and yet…she’s not. And to make matters worse, he rejected her. Even though he had a valid reasons to reject Victoria, that doesn’t make it hurt any less. No one likes being rejected by the same person twice, especially someone you still love. The things I have said to her the other day probably made things even worst for her. No wonder why she’s still so mad. “Before you left our house, you said you’re giving up. Are you going to give up?”

“No…that day. I was just so mad at her and had no words left to say to her. I said all I could to her and she always does what she want to do. Say what she wants to say without considering my feelings. Throwing out my feelings for her like it means nothing to her. Do you know how hard it is to try, and feel as if no matter what you do, you aren’t getting anywhere? That’s how I feel with her. Even if I give her my all, it would never be enough for her because she could never forgive me long enough to love me. But even so I can’t help, but still love her. If it was so easy to get over her, throughout those 10 years without her, I would have moved on by now.”

 

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The following week wasn’t any better. Guilt was piling up for Gyuri after her talk with Siwon. And her own situation was adding more stressed than necessary. She was on the brink of emotions and she really needed someone to lean on right about now, but a part of her was still scared to face Victoria. She was a bad friend, but expected her friend to be the good one.

Without understanding the situation completely she just let her emotions took control of her and said things to Victoria without any consideration for what Victoria might be going through. She understood now, why Victoria was so upset about this whole ordeal. Looking at the situation from an outsider point of view, anyone could tell that Gyuri has been acting differently. One week she was on Victoria’s side, trashing Siwon alongside her best friend and the following week she was against Victoria, defending Siwon when Victoria was putting him down. Saying nice things about him and shielding him with excuses. Anyone would be fishy about how quick Gyuri switched sides. Victoria probably felt hurt by this betrayal. Especially when Victoria had probably just recalled the events of the night before with Siwon. It was probably a lot to deal with when Victoria realized she had wanted Siwon enough to have come on to him that way and then get rejected by him.

Victoria wasn’t the type to spill her emotions out all in an instant. It took time and lots of it for Victoria to open up. Gyuri knew this, but felt impatient about the situation. She just wanted so desperately to break that wall Victoria had built, but she went about it the wrong way. She let her emotions get the best of her and said some things she couldn’t take back.

Or maybe it was her own situation that was taking a toll on her and just like Victoria, she took it out on the one closest to her. She didn’t mean to blow up on Victoria that night either, but to be fair Victoria did say some hurtful things to her that night too.

Closing the house door behind her she stepped in and was face to face with Victoria, who looked as if she was about to head out. They haven’t seen in each for days already. Staring from Victoria to the item in her hand she saw a duffle bag. “Are you planning on moving out or something?” Gyuri’s voice sounded a little unsteady. “Can’t you just talk to me?”

Victoria didn’t say a word. Instead she placed her duffle bag on the floor and bent down, picking up her shoes she began putting them on. “Why aren’t you talking to me? I said I was sorry…” Gyuri could feel her tears coming out, but she tried to hold it back. She really needed her friend right now. “…I need you, toria. Please talk to me…” And with that the tears came out. She was unable to hold it back any longer. Besides the thing with Victoria, Gyuri was also having her own problems.

Looking up Victoria saw Gyuri crying. Something that Gyuri hasn’t done in a long time. It wasn’t Gyuri’s fault that things turn out this way. Victoria knew this, but she just needed time to think over things. She just wanted to get away from everything for a bit and forget about that night. She just wanted time to think things through. She couldn’t stay at home. She just didn’t want to hear Gyuri siding with Siwon anymore or could she stand hearing his name come out of Gyuri’s mouth any longer. That was the reason why she has been avoiding all conversations with Gyuri and their house all together. But she can’t run anymore, it seems like her friend needed her now. “I’m sorry for being childish. It’s not your fault things turn out that way. I know that…I was just so hurt and mad at you for choosing his side. I hate him and yet you kept on mentioning him to me. I just needed some time to think that’s all. So I left. I’m sorry I took it all out on you. It’s not your fault how things turn out.” Victoria stood up and walked over to where Gyuri stood. In an embrace she hugged the sobbing Gyuri, “why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

“Everything….” Gyuri manage to let out through sobs. “After we fought…everything just took a turn for the worst, but I couldn’t tell anyone because you were basically the only one I wanted to talk to.” Gyuri slowly controlled her sobs into small sniffs as she continued. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean for it to sound as if I picked Siwon over you. I know you were having a hard time with him and yet I wasn’t by your side. I was a bad friend. I’m sorry.”

“You’re not a bad friend. Just a heartless one, sometime.” Victoria smiled playfully, making Gyuri frown and pout. “So why are you crying? I know I’m not the only cause for your tears, am I?” Victoria patted Gyuri’s head feeling guilty that she made her friend cry. “I’ve noticed that you have been acting strange since before we went clubbing, but I didn’t want to ask you why. I wanted you to open up to me when you’re ready. So are you ready to confess to the reason why you’ve been acting so strange lately?”

“Yeah…well, remember how I told you about sleeping with someone?” Gyuri swallowed hard before continuing. “Well…the person…I was kind of sleeping with was a co-worker.” Holding her hand up in defense, she spoke “I know it was wrong, but these things just happen. It’s not like I plan it that way…”

Upon hearing Gyuri’s confession, Victoria’s eyes widen in horror. She had a lot to say, but for now she’ll just hold back from saying her thoughts. She’ll just listen to Gyuri’s story before giving her input. “It’s like a battle field at work right now. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Uhh…huh…continue.” Victoria urge on.

“Remember a guy name Kim Hyun Joong? He was there at the club with us too.” Gyuri looked at Victoria to see her reaction, but to her surprised. Victoria didn’t look disappointed, which was rare. Even though it wasn’t a response Gyuri was expecting she feels kind of unsettled by Victoria’s reaction

“I see…so how long has this office affair gone on for?” Victoria was cautious in her questioning.

“Not long…probably just a month or so...” Gyuri played with her fingers, feeling guilty. It has been going on for a while now, but she didn’t want to tell Victoria about it since she knew Victoria wouldn’t approve of it and besides, Victoria had enough on her plate with Siwon already.

“I see. So how did it all start?” Victoria urged Gyuri to continue her story.

“Well…we often work late together because he is one of our main photographers. I always go over details about pictures and scenery with him before any photo session took place and we tend to work together until very late on most nights too. So one night we were both drinking wine while talking about this really pretty scenery and the mood was good. We were laughing and joking with one another and one thing lead to another and before we knew it we kind of crossed the boundary with one another. We were looking at each other and I couldn’t help, but stare at his lips. They looked so soft and before I knew it, our lips were crashed against each other, kissing hard...” Gyuri looked over at Victoria who didn’t look surprised by this, which was kind of disappointing.

Gyuri knew she has done this many times before, but it’s different this time. Before they were just interning jobs or part-time jobs that were short lived, but his was her permanent job. She had to keep this job for a long time, if not forever. “Say something…say anything. I know you’re not really happy about this. You always lecture me about taboo relationships and stuff.”

“Well of course not. I’ve told you, not once, not twice, but several times already about the dangers and issues that might occur when you can’t control yourself. I can only tell you so many times Gyuri. It’s up to you to listen or not.” Victoria shook her head in dismay, but she knew she shouldn’t let her views on things affect her ability to be a good friend. “Yes it wasn’t a smart choice, but you can’t help who you’re attracted to. Is he married?” The last question was one of Victoria’s fears.

“No. Not that I know of.” Gyuri knew where Victoria was going with this. Gyuri had made that mistake one too many times. She always wanted the guys who were taken, whether they were married, engaged or in a relationship. She was somewhat attracted to people she knew she couldn’t have and she just couldn’t explain why that is.

“So do you like him? Or are you just attracted to him.” Victoria cocked her head to side, questioningly.

“That’s the thing…I am attracted to him, but I don’t know if I want a relationship with him. I mean…things were going good so far with us. I like how things were working for us, but lately things have been going really bad. He asked me if I want to be in a relationship and I told him no. I told him that whether it was with him or anyone else, I didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. That I just wanted to have fun for now. And yet, when he goes on dates with other girls, I can’t stand it. I don’t like hearing him talk about other girls or how the date went. I just want to keep things as they are now. I like how things have been going for us, fooling around with no strings attached, but no other attachment either. I just don’t want him to be with other girls and I don’t want to be with him either. Every time I talk about it, he would be pissed off with me for saying these things. We had fought about it several times already, but today was probably the worst. He called me selfish. I just don’t know…it’s all so confusing.”

“So let me get this straight. You don’t want to be with him, but you don’t want him to be with other girls either? So basically you are asking for an exclusive buddy who would only be yours and you belong only to them without wanting any emotional attachment involved. Isn’t that some ed up logic you have there, no wonder he’s mad. You’re basically telling him, he’s only good for . A play toy.” Victoria shook her head at her friend’s idea of sense.

“Yeah. When you put it that way it does sound messed up. I’ve been hurt so many times before that I just don’t want to put in any real emotional investment in any relationship at this point. I just don’t know what I want.” Gyuri seemed conflicted by her own thoughts. “I just thought me and him are on the same page with this thing…”

“Could it be that maybe you want to be with him, but you don’t want things to change because you are scared of change? You could have fallen in love with him and haven’t realized it yet.” Victoria knew all these were possible reasons. Gyuri had done this many times before that it wouldn’t surprise Victoria if this was the case now.

“I think I would know if I have fallen in love with him or not. I know for sure I haven’t. If it was love, I would have wanted to be with him when he brought up the topic, but I don’t want him. I can’t imagine myself loving him that way. He’s a great guy and all, but I just can’t really find myself enjoying his company as a boyfriend. And after my last experience, I kind of want to be more careful about relationships. I just want to continue what I’m doing without any real emotions involve. Is it wrong?” Gyuri felt even worst about the situation now that she thinks about it more clearly. She must have come off as a controlling, selfish to Joong.

“It’s not wrong, but it’s not right either. Some people want more than just the physical aspect of a relationship while others want nothing more than just the emotional aspect. There are others who want to be nothing more than buddies, but once you are emotionally invested in it, it becomes harder for them. Why don’t you ask him about what he thinks? Does he plan on continuing this, buddy thing, while having a girlfriend? Or is he just doing this to make you jealous? Have you ever thought of why you rather pick a buddy than an actual relationship? Could it be that maybe you are just using him as a replacement for something else? Maybe you feel lonely and empty and thought that he could filled up that void for now or at least until something better comes along. You know it’s wrong to do this if that really was the case, right?” Victoria looked at Gyuri sternly.

“You make it sound so ed up.” Gyuri knew Victoria was partly right though. Since moving to Korea, Gyuri has been so busy with work that she has forgotten all about falling in love or anything else, until that night with Joong. The feeling of being held by a man and feeling of his lips on yours made her body tremble. It was so nostalgic. Feeling things she hasn’t felt in such a long time. Gyuri missed the feeling of that sweet embrace and the warmth surrounding it. She just didn’t want it to go away. She was scared that if Joong were to find a girlfriend, it would mean the end of their ‘relationship,’ whatever that maybe.

She was someone who loves the feeling of being in love and being with Joong made her feel that way. It felt like he loved her without actually loving her, and she just didn’t want to lose that.

It is a ed up situation, but it is how things are or have always been for her. She loves the feeling she gets from love more than love itself. Maybe that’s why being in a no-strings-attach situation made her feel at ease. She didn’t feel like she owed the guy anything and she got what she wanted, but eventually this type of situation will blow up in her face, like it is now. These things never last long because like Victoria have said, one person would bound to fall in love with the other person eventually, if given time. She knew Joong wanted more, but she didn’t. She just wanted the feelings that came with their encounter.

“It is ed up, and you know it. Just because you aren’t attached doesn’t mean he’s not. Maybe you like the feeling he gives you, but he wanted more from you than you wanted to give him and because of this, you guys always fight.” It was as if Victoria had read right through her. Victoria knew exactly what Gyuri wanted and it wasn’t love, itself, but just the feelings that came with it. Victoria knew exactly what Joong wanted and knew that Gyuri couldn’t give it to him.

“What should I do? He was pretty pissed off at me about it and I don’t know how to talk to him about this without offending his feelings. We work together. It’s not a job where I could just quit when I messed up… I really messed up with this time though.” Gyuri sighed.

“Well ask yourself. If you can’t be with him, then why are you holding him back from being with others? He probably just wanted to get out of this thing you guys have going on before he gets even more hurt than he’s probably already feeling. You can’t just use him because you want to fill the emptiness when you don’t love him. That’s too cruel, Gyuri. Go talk to him. Apologize to him. Tell him that it was a mistake to start this and you want to end it. You can’t give him the love he wants Gyuri, so just let him go.” Victoria’s words stung her. She should be following her own advice. “Having someone by your side is great and all, but if you have them there for the wrong reasons than you’re just hurting them, when you don’t even love them.”

 

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ring~ring~ring.

“Hello.”

“Hello. May I please speak to Kris?” Victoria’s voice rung out through the other line.

“It’s me,” Kris couldn’t hide the shock in his voice. Hearing her voice surprise him because it was the first time Victoria was calling him, herself, without being asked to do so. It was always him, who would call her first.

“How have you been? You must be really busy because I haven’t received any calls or text from you for a while now. It’s so unlike you.” Victoria’s voice sounded more happy than usual.

“I wasn’t really busy.” It made Kris’s inside twist in a knot hearing how happy she sounded.

“Oh, I see.” Something felt weird. Kris wasn’t being his normal self. For some reason she could sense some tension in their conversation. Did she do something to make him angry?

Hearing her voice change from a happy tone to a confused tone, Kris knew Victoria could tell he wasn’t acting natural. “You see I was trying out this new experiment where I don’t contact you for a while and see if maybe it’ll have a reverse effect on you and I think my experiment is working so far.” Kris forced himself to sound happy as he playfully joked.

“Huh?” Victoria was even more confused.

“I thought that if I don’t chase after you, you’ll eventually chase me. Hence, I stopped calling you and all of a sudden you began calling me.” Kris chuckled on the other line, but his laughter felt off to Victoria. Something was definitely wrong.

“Oh really now, so all I’m is some sort of experiment to you?” Victoria teased back.

“That’s not true and you know it.” His voice was warm and yet it stung her. He sounds so sad for some reason. “Did I tell you I miss you?”

“You miss picking on me?” Victoria continued to joke, but Kris’s voice was stern without a trace of humor.

“No. I just miss seeing your face.”

For some reason it felt awkward. She needed to steer the conversation to another direction. “Are you doing anything tonight?”

“For you, I’m always free.” His voice still sounded so sad even when saying these sweet things.

“How corny! Anyways, want to grab some dinner later?”

“Sure.” He answered instantly.

“What time are you free?”

“Anytime. As long as I can see you.” His words were soft and sweet. It should have melted her, but it made her sad hearing it more than anything else.

“Haha…you need to stop being so cheesy.” She felt guilty hearing Kris sweet words because all she could think of was what she and Siwon had done. It’s not like she owes Kris anything, but still…she couldn’t help feeling guilty as if she’s hiding something from him.  “Anyways, I get out around 5:30, so let’s meet up at that noodle shop we went to last time at around 6:30?”

“Sure.”

“Okay see you then, bye!” Victoria hung up without waiting for his goodbye.

Seeing Victoria walk into the noodle shop, she looked like she had one hell of a week. She looked extremely tired and stressed. “You had a long week, too?” He asked as she sat down across from him.

“You have no idea, but it’s getting better now.” Victoria gave Kris a faint smile. “Things weren’t going all that well for me at the beginning of the week, whether it was at home or at work, they all felt stressful and exhausting, but it is okay now. Well enough about me, how about you. Long week for you too, ehh?” Victoria poured herself a small cup of tea and some for Kris.

“You could say that. A lot has been on my mind since last weekend.” The way the last two words rolled off of Kris’s tongue made Victoria curious.

“Oh? Did something happen?”

“You could say that…” Kris gave her a weak smile before handing her a menu. “We better know what we want to eat before the waiter comes back.” As Victoria scanned the menu, Kris stared at her from across the table without a word.

After a minute had gone by, Victoria placed the menu on the table. “Do I have something on my face or something? You keep staring at me.” Victoria tried to wipe her face, but didn’t see anything on her hands.

“Nope. I just want to look at you.” He answered and took a sip of his tea.

“Weirdo.” She rolled her eyes and then silent fell upon their table.

After the food had arrived they began eating without saying much to one another except for a few light conversation topics here and there. Throughout dinner she did most of the talking and he was more quiet than usual which wasn’t like him. It made her feel more uncomfortable when the mood is like this. Finishing their meal she brought it up first, not understanding why the sudden change in him. “Is something the matter? You seem more quiet than usual.”

“Nothing.” He gave her a force smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

She arched her brows, doubting his words. “Are you sure it’s nothing? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

“Are you sure I can talk to you about anything?” His words sounded bitter and full of mockery.

“Of course. Anything.” She gave him a faint smile.

Staring at her from across the table his voice was icy and hard. There was no trace of affection or warmth from them as he spoke. “So what were you doing last Saturday at 3am?” He seemed angry, but was suppressing it.

Unsure why he was angry she answered him like she always does. “I was probably sleeping?” She didn’t know where he was going with question.

“Is that the truth?” His voice was still icy.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be? I mean, it was 3am. Isn’t it normal to be asleep at that time? What else would I be doing at that time? You’re being weird.” Victoria felt defensive for some reason. The way Kris had asked her the question it felt like she was on trial or something.

“Yeah it’s normal to be asleep at that time,” he laughed bitterly at Victoria’s answer.

“Seriously what’s going on? Why are you asking me such weird questions?” Victoria couldn’t understand what made Kris so upset all day. He has been acting weird since their conversation this morning and throughout dinner just now.

“Nothing…” He answered. After a few minutes of silence had fell upon them without saying a word he finally spoke once more. His voice was low. His eyes were unyielding, he stared at her without looking away. He sounds wounded as he asked. “So, why was Siwon picking up your phone at 3am last Saturday?” Taking a brief pause he spoke once again, “why was he in your room at that time?”

Victoria felt dumbfounded for a second, unable to think or answer Kris. It wasn’t like she did anything bad, per say, but the way Kris was looking at her right now made her feel that way. It made her feel guilty like she was caught doing something she shouldn’t have. He looked so hurt and pained by this. It made her stomach turns in knots as he stared her down, demanding an answer. “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?” She knew she shouldn’t have said it this way, but it was partially the truth. She wasn’t sure how things turned out that way that night, but it just did. She didn’t know why he stayed over or why he wouldn’t go home, but if he had gone home. She wouldn’t have kissed him and that mistake wouldn’t have happened.

“What do you mean by you don’t know? You must have known how he got there and why he was in your bed room at 3am. Don’t play dumb with me, Victoria.” His voice was harsher than he wanted it to sound, but he couldn’t help it.

“I don’t know….I really don’t.” She knew she shouldn’t avert his glaze, but she did. It wasn’t that she didn’t know the answer to the question, but she just didn’t feel like defending herself. She didn’t want to remember the event of that night and yet it was brought up once again. Why couldn’t it be just a buried memory? Why can’t all this be a distance dream? Why can’t these images of Siwon and her stop replaying in her head every time people brought it up? Why can’t she stop thinking of how Siwon’s touch felt after that night? Why…why…why can’t she forget it all?

“Don’t bull me, Victoria. If you have already decided on picking him then you could have at least told me. I know when to give up you know. I know when to admit defeat. Don’t give me false hope saying you’ll think it over and then go on, inviting Siwon over to your house and doing god knows what with him at 3 am. Do you know how that makes me feel?” He couldn’t hold back anymore. He didn’t want to blow up in her face, but he did. How uncool, he thought.

“I told you the truth. Is it so hard to believe? Siwon being there wasn’t what I had wanted nor do I know the full details of why he stayed. It just happened that way. I was drunk. My roommate was wasted too and Siwon was there. She asked him for assistance with bringing me back home. I don’t know why he decided to stay after that nor why he was in my room, but he was.” Victoria’s voice was warm and soft as she spoke again. “Did I lead you on? Do you actually think that, that was what all this was? I told you I didn’t want any relationship with him, but I never said I wanted to be with you either. I haven’t lead you on to believe anything. I have already told you how I felt, but you just can’t seem to accept it. You want hope and gave it to yourself. I already told you, don’t hope for the impossible because love doesn’t work that way. If you fall, you fall. Falling in love isn’t something that you can force nor can you predict it. It just happens…”

Kris didn’t want to hear anymore. He already knew the reality of it and accepted it. He just didn’t want to hear her say it. He knew there is a huge chance that Victoria might never feel the same way about him, but is it so wrong to hope for things even if it is impossible? “Sorry. I didn’t mean to blow up like that.” He ran his fingers through his hair.

He shouldn’t have raised his voice at her, but all this was driving him nuts. He said he’ll give her time, but he was scared that even with all the time he gives her, it could never change her heart. It would always be Siwon, who her heart runs after. He just couldn’t trust her words. If she is his everything even after all these years, than wouldn’t that mean that there is a chance Siwon is still her everything even after all the years that had gone by? Kris just didn’t want to lose the girl he love to his brother again.

“It’s frustrating.” Kris ran his finger through his hair once again. “I mean, he picked up your phone like it was nothing and at the time…I just felt like you were being snatched away from right under my nose by him once again…Once I heard his voice ringing out through the other side of my phone, acting all confident and mighty, asking me what I wanted and stuff, I felt defeated. Like I have lost without getting a chance to fight. A lot has been going through my mind and all these thoughts about you being with him kept replaying in my mind and it’s just putting me on the edge. I’m not as grown up as I thought I’d be…”

“Haven’t I told you a dozen of times already? I can’t be with him. Not now, not ever. It’s impossible for him and I. We just can’t.” Her voice was warm and yet so full of sorrow. Kris wasn’t sure if he should be happy hearing those words, or sad hearing how they sound coming out of .                                                             

 

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ring~ring~ring.

“Do you know what time it is?”  Siwon’s voice vibrated in Kris’s ear. His tone was icy and harsh, like always. Not hearing a reply after a few second Siwon spoke again, sounding impatient. “What do you want at such a late hour, Kris?”
Kris was taken by surprise by the voice he had just heard. Pulling the phone away from his ear he checked the phone to see if he had dialed the right number. Seeing Victoria’s name on the phone screen made Kris even more confused, unable to accept the fact that Siwon was answering Victoria’s phone. Pulling the phone back towards his ear he tried to sound as calm as he could. “Siwon?” Dammit. His voice gave him away. He failed to sound composed. His tone was shaky and full nervousness as he asked that question.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Siwon’s voice was still emotionless as ever. “What do you want? Do you know what time it is?”

“Isn’t this Victoria’s phone?” Kris asked. He wasn’t sure what else to say in this situation.

“Yeah it is. So, what do you want?” Siwon sounded arrogant and full of certainty as he replied. The demand in his last sentence annoyed the out of Kris.

“Why do you have her phone? Where is she?” Kris couldn’t hide the annoyance in his voice.

“I’m in her room and she’s sleeping beside me. Of course I’ll pick up the phone when I hear the phone ring.” He answered back, sounding just as annoyed as Kris. “Do you have any other questions?” Siwon could have left the part about him being in Victoria’s room out of the conversation, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to make it be known to Kris who Victoria belongs to. Siwon did warn Kris that he won’t be holding back anymore and he meant it.

Siwon’s words hit Kris hard. Thoughts filled his mind of what in the world could Siwon be doing in Victoria’s room at this time of night. Or what they have already done together. Victoria hated Siwon or so she have said a handful of times, but who can really believe her? If she hated him then why is he in her bed? A single male, a single female in the same room together late at night. There was only one possible answer that keeps on repeating in Kris’s mind. For sure they weren’t in there ‘talking.’

“If it’s nothing important I’m hanging up. It’s already so late. I’m going to bed. And stop calling at this hour, people need their sleep.” Siwon’s voice brought Kris back to reality. Before Kris could say anything else Siwon had already hung up, leaving Kris to thoughts of Victoria together with Siwon. In her house. In her room. In her bed…doing god only knows what. And with that he hated himself for losing the only girl he had ever loved to his brother for a second time.

 

 

 

[Meow~meow]

Please be advised. To fully understand a character’s feelings you must place yourself in their position to understand why they are, the way they are. Their hardships and struggles. Their happiness and sadness. Good moments and bad ones. We’re all different and so are the characters. ^^;; Enjoy!

 

Next time on Run Back to You~

How will Victoria deal with Siwon? She still has to face him since they are still working together on the charity.  How will things go with Gyuri and that guy? I predict a double date with Gyuri and Victoria, but not with Joong’s involvement. When will Kris and Victoria get their amusement park date…and will that date change the course of their relationship? Maybe! Well, if I make the next chapter short then you won’t get Kris, but if I make it long than you’ll get Kris! :]