[Author's Side Notes] Late update ^^;;

I've had a busy month. After dating your boyfriend for almost 5 years you end up racking your brain for gift ideas to give him. You've given him everything before (couple gifts-teeshirts-keychain-stuff animal-etc), electronic goods, clothes, boxers, sock, shoes etc.) for either birthdays, christmas or valentines day already so you end up not knowing what to give him 5 years later. It took me almost 3 weeks to think of a gift to give him. ^^;; It wasn't a great gift, but I tried. Haha. 

Are most of you on your summer break already? :)

I have 2 more weeks of school until summer break. Woohoo ^^!! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll try to update more now that summers just around the corner. Thank you all for all your support and comments. I hope this chapter was worth the wait...if not. I'll try better next chapter. :x

 

I made a new wallpaper for this fanfic awhile ago, but didn't upload it until now. ^^ Hope you guys like it.

 

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It’s been well over one week since their reunion that fateful night. She should be happy that Siwon hasn’t tried contacting her since then, but instead she seems more nervous about the quietness of the whole situation more than anything else. Remembering his words about seeing her again made her uneasy. It wasn’t like she was scared of him or anything, but rather she needed time to prepare herself for when he attacks her again, like he had done that night. It seems like he always appear in her life when she least expect it most.

Even though she doesn’t love him anymore, in some weird universe he still has this effect on her and she couldn’t explain why. The way he stares at her always gets to her. His eyes always rendered her speechless as she stars at him, staring back at her. The look in his eyes were always so affectionate yet so pain stricken at the same time that it fills her up with emotions staring into those hazy eyes. It was as if he was a lost soul wanting her to find his center again. It was those damn eyes that had once captured her. Had once made her curious as to what was hidden inside his heart. Those eyes looked so lonely and yet so full of passions as they gaze at her.

Her mind wasn’t calm that night when he held her close to him. His strong arms wrapped around her body for warmth, his manly scent mixed with the fragrance of his cologne, the look of need and want in his eyes as he held her close. All these little things made her heart wince in pain.

Everything about him brought back unwanted feelings and memories of the past. Things she had wanted to let stay hidden for eternity. Feelings she never wanted to feel again were brought back to light the moment he touched her.

In the past she would often recite to herself what she would do or how she would act once she saw them again, but things didn’t go the way she had planned. Seeing Siwon again after so long should have made her heart run cold without an ounce of emotion for him, but instead her heart was stirring inside her the moment he held her. Whether it was hatred or something else she detested how he still has an effect on her even after so long. Even after 10 years’ time, how can she still let him affect her to this extent? How can she be shaken up by his words and actions even after so long? How could she let him take her breathe away, even for a split second, just with one stare from him?

She hated herself for letting him get to her that night. She cried infront of him! She had made a promise to herself in the past that she would never shed a tear for any guy ever again, especially if that person is Siwon. But seeing him again had brought back a flood of past memories that she tried her hardest to forget all these years and with it came the pain of it all.

At one point in her life she had resented him for the pain he had caused her. She hated how her mind was only filled with thoughts of him. She hated how she could still feel his warm touch lingering on her skin as if it had happened just yesterday. She detested him for what he had done in the past. But she had once told herself that inorder to forget him she needed to forgive him. It was the best thing for her because even hatred, itself, was a form of emotion that she felt for him. If she wanted him to be completely gone from her mind and heart she needed to let go of the past and move on, otherwise she would still be constantly preoccupied with thoughts of hating him. She thought this and did just that to ease her own pain.

She was able to forget his existence for awhile. Forget everything he’s done and forget the pain he caused, but it wasn’t long until everything came rushing back at her. When she came back to Korea, everything here somehow reminded her of the past and seeing him didn’t help. Emotions she tried to keep under control all these years were slowly resurfacing in a blink of an eye. Hatred. Jealousy. Anger. Rage. Love. Hurt. Pain. Resentment. So many emotions consume her.

 

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“Are you leaving for work already?” Gyuri asked. Pouting, she wrapped her arms around Victoria’s back, giving Victoria a back hug while resting her own head on Victoria’s shoulder.

“Someone has to,” Victoria joked. “Unlike a certain someone, I don’t have a high paying job which only requires going to the office about 4-5 times a week. Where I could go to work late and sit on my all day and point my finger at people telling them to bow at my feet and do what I tell them to, while having eye candy, hot celebrities and models, walk in and out of my office all day.”

“Even if that’s the description of my job I still work my off!” Gyuri whined “the latest copy of the magazine just got published a few days ago so I have a little time to rest before coming up with new article ideas and looks for models for the next issue.”

“I know. I was just teasing you” Victoria smiled and patted Gyuri’s arm that was resting on her waist. “I’m going to be late to work if you don’t let me go.”

“Fine” Gyuri pouted. “Let’s go out to a nice restaurant to eat tonight!”

“Umm…sure, but what’s the occasion?” Victoria asked. Normally she would be the one who always makes the meals and she’s the only one who knows how to cook between the two of them, but lately Gyuri has been acting weird. Gyuri has wanted to go out to eat almost every day this week.”

“I just feel like it.” Gyuri let go of Victoria and opened the house door. “You better get going before your late.”

Victoria narrowed her eyes suspicious at Gyuri, “okay…but this discussion isn’t over yet. Let’s talk about it over dinner tonight.” Victoria walked out the door and waved her hand in a goodbye gesture at Gyuri before turning around, heading towards the car. Sitting in her car, she put the shift gear in ‘R’ then to ‘D’ and headed towards the direction of the hospital.

After telling Gyuri about what had happened in the past, last week, Gyuri has been acting more affectionate and emotional around Victoria. Lately, Gyuri would run up to Victoria and hug her out of the blue, and just rock her back and forth in an embrace for a long period of time. Gyuri would also constantly remind Victoria that she is loved by saying ‘I love you, you know that, right? I love you lots and lots.’ Also, unknowingly, Gyuri would sometimes stare at Victoria sympathetically and then let out a long sigh.

All these little actions made Victoria regret telling Gyuri about her past. She didn’t want Gyuri to pity her nor does she need any empathy. She isn’t a little child who needs comforting because of her past. She’s a grown woman who has learned how to deal with her troubling past and to move on from it. She has to use her past as a learning experience and learn to never make the same mistake twice.

Victoria knows that no matter what the world throws at her she still needs to deal with it because morning will still come and life will still go on even if she was kicked to the ground by life. She feels like she could deal with everything as long as she has a good support system behind her and right now Victoria needs Gyuri to be her backbone. She doesn’t need pity from Gyuri. She just needs Gyuri to give her a little push of encouragement and strength so she could face Siwon and everything he has to throw at her. She needed to tell Gyuri not to pity her. She isn’t the same Victoria, who had come to America 10 years ago all broken hearted and fragile. She’s stronger now.

Victoria knew Gyuri didn’t act this way intentionally. Victoria knew that Gyuri was probably saddened hearing about the painful first love experiences she had gone through and didn’t know what she could do to help Victoria so all she did was look at Victoria with pitied eyes. But even so, Victoria has to talk to Gyuri because she hated sympathy.

 

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“Did you see him? Did you see him?!” A nurse with short hair spoke excitingly as Victoria approached the information desk of the hospital.

“I did, I did!” Another nurse replied all dreamy as she clasped her hands together and looked up at the ceiling. “He’s not only good looking, but was very charismatic when he spoke too. His voice was so goddamn y as he spoke to me. He had such a manly yet arrogant tone. I thought I was going to melt from his words let alone his stare...and that smile!”

“Can you believe he’s still single?!” The first nurse shook her head in disbelief.

“Really?” The second nursed asked as she widens her eyes, unable to gasp what was just told as reality. “How do you know?”

 “He’s so young and yet so successful…I swear he’s worth millions of dollars...” another nurse chimed in before the first one could reply “what I would do to be married to someone like that!”

“You would have needed to have save a whole country in your past life inorder to marry such a man” the first nurse laughed bitterly. “Anyways, as I was saying. I heard several sponsors gossiping about him earlier saying how he’s so good looking and rich yet still single so there must be something wrong with him. They were saying how there were tons of rumors swarming around him. Some rumors were about how he’s a player and can’t seem to commit to anyone. Some rumors were saying how he’s gay and dating some guy in the entertainment industry. Some other rumors were saying how he was once engaged, but because he was into some underground play so his fiancé broke off the engagement.”

“Well look at him!” The second nurse spoke hastily, “he’s like a walking god.” her lips, the image of him flashed through her mind “can you imagine being banged by him…ughhh…I bet it’ll be so ing good…”

“A beast! A beast in the bed room” the third nurse giggled. “I’d totally let him bang the out of me. I bet we would have mind blowing …”

“Ahem” Victoria cleared and glared at the nurses. “I didn’t know if I was at the information desk or at the gossiping desk.” The nurses smiled weakly at Victoria, knowing they got caught on the job not doing what they should be doing. “It’s good to talk to friends and exchange news and information with each other, but keep in mind where you are and that there are certain things you can and can’t talk about during working hours.”

“Sorry…” the first nurse spoke in a low voice almost close to a whisper. “We will be more cautious.”

Before Victoria could speak, someone called her name in the distance. “Dr. Victoria Song, just the person I was looking for.”

Victoria turned her head slightly. She saw the hospital director walking towards her, “good afternoon, director”. Turning her attention back to the nurses she saw them make a disgusted face at her before realizing she was staring at them. They gave her a fake smile. They looked at Victoria nervously with pleading eyes before turning their attention to the documents on the desk. She knew they were hoping she wouldn’t tell the director they were slacking off on the job.

She wasn’t a rat. She wasn’t going to tell on them for talking to each other. She was just alittle mad about the stuff they were talking about since they made several not-so child appropriate statements, while children were walking around. Seeing the director a few inches away she turned her attention back towards him and smiled, “ah yes. You were looking for me. Is there something wrong?”

Placing his elbow on the desk he spoke sternly, “I want you to be one of the representatives for our upcoming charity event.”

Victoria blinked and widens her eyes in shock. She spoke in a puzzling tone, “uhhh….representative? I’m not sure I’m suited for the job.”

“I think you are more than just well-suited for this position.”

“But director I’ve only been working here for a month and besides I haven’t graduated that long ago. There are so many other doctors who are far more experienced than me and whom had worked here longer. I think they are more suited to represent our hospital in the charity event. I don’t see myself as a good representative of this hospital.  I am not very good at giving speeches and I’m too blunt, so I tend to rub people the wrong way and I don’t have the best social skil…”

The director butted in while Victoria was speaking in mid-sentence. “Have a little faith in yourself. I think you’ll do an excellent job being our representative. And besides this charity is for our Children department, which you are currently working in. It makes sense if a doctor from that department becomes a representative.”

“But director there are other pedestrians in the Children’s department that have far more experience with these things than me. You could pick one of them…”

“No buts. I have already insisted on having you and Dr. Cho Kyuhyun as our hospital representatives and I’ve told the sponsors that you two will be the ones who handle all the interviews and questions they might have. The sponsors even insisted on having you as the main representative and Dr. Kyuhyun to be an assistant representative since you are more knowledgeable in the pediatric field. And your multilingual background made them even more assured about having you as the…..”

“Director! How can Dr. Kyuhyun be assisting me…he should be the lead representative and I…” Victoria furrowed her brows and spoke hastily, interrupting the director.

A voice in the back interjected Victoria mid-sentence, “non-sense.” Turning around, Victoria and the director saw Kyuhyun. “Honestly, I’m not knowledge with the Children’s department and I wouldn’t be a good lead since I’m far too busy to attend all the charity meetings or even talk to the sponsors when they come to the hospitals for visits.” Smiling sweetly Kyuhyun patted Victoria on the back, “I think you’ll do a fine job, Victoria.”

“But Dr. Kyuhyun….”

“No buts!” Kyuhyun arched his eyebrows and furrow them. “It has already been decided. Even if you protest it’s no use. I know you love doing charities since your college transcripts show all the ones you’ve participated in. I know you have a good amount of experiences regarding how charity events work. I think you’ll be a huge asset in the setup of the charity.”

Hesitating for a few more seconds Victoria reluctantly nodded her head and agreed to the position. “I’ll try my best.”

“Good!” The director said excitingly. “Well I’ll be going now. I have a meeting I need to attend in 20 minutes. I have to go prepare a few things before then. I’ll see you two around.” Both Kyuhyun and Victoria bowed and said goodbye to the director.

After the director was far from their sight, Dr. Kyuhyun turned his attention to Victoria. “I’m glad that you agreed. Let’s do our best,” Dr. Kyuhyun held his hand out and Victoria grabbed it. They shook hands in agreement.  “I am not a pediatrician and shouldn’t even be doing this charity event, but Children’s charities are close to mine and my wife’s heart so I told the director I wanted to be an assistant representative and help in any way I can.”

Victoria was shocked hearing that Dr. Kyuhyun has a wife. He is so young and yet, he’s already married. “I didn’t know you were married.”

Kyuhyun smiled sweetly as the image of his wife popped in his mind, “yes, I’m married. I’ve been married for a few years now. She use to work in this hospital too, but she quitted a few months before your arrival.”

“Oh?” Victoria was somewhat curious about Kyuhyuns’ background since they rarely got a chance to interact with each other due to being in different departments. “What department did your wife work in?”

“She was a pediatrician like you. She was actually the head of that department before she quitted. She decided on being a stay at home wife when she found out she was pregnant with our first child. She wanted to dedicate herself to being a good wife and mother.”

Victoria opened his mouth and gasp. Not only was he married, but he’ll be a father soon. Wow, she thought. Well he is good looking. He has a good job and is seems well educated, so he must have had come from a good family background. It’s not surprising that he’s taken, but marriage at such a young age was unimaginable. Besides that he doesn’t seem like the committed type. This is shocking news. I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. “Wow, congratulations.”

“Thank you” Kyuhyun smiled affectionately as he thought of his wife and unborn child. Relaxing his mouth he spoke in a professional tone “do you know what is required of a representative?”

Victoria has participated in many charity events, but was never a representative. Victoria thought for a moment and then asked “not really. What does the representative do exactly?”

“Well your job is to talk to the sponsors. Answer their questions and concerns about what the charity events are about, what we are doing to raise funds for the charity, and how they could help us with the charity events aside from their usual donations. Normally for these charities we would have to do a few events  like ask one of the sponsors to sponsor a running marathon to help with donations or talk to a few small business that are willing to help with these events. For example, you could go around asking one of the sponsors to ask the local supermarkets if any of them are willing to set up donation boxes at each cash register for people to donate and so on. Also you would often be interviewed by the local news channels and the local newspaper before and after the charity event .Do you have any other questions?”

“Well if that’s my job then what do you do? And also, when is this all taking place?”

“Generally we only have one representative for these charity events, but I wanted to help any way I can aside from donations so I begged the director to let me assist you since you are new to all this, you might need some guiding along the way. I told you I am pretty busy so I might not be much help, but I’ll help guild you through the process and help with the first few interviews you might have until you are able to handle them on your own. I’ll also help you talk to the sponsors and answer questions if you are unable to.”

“If you guys knew I was new to all of this, why did you guys pick me then?” Victoria felt slightly suspicious about this situation. She’s a new doctor and to represent the hospital in their charity event is a huge thing. Her face won’t only be plastered everywhere, but she’d also have to give interviews. She’ll basically be representing the image of the hospital and the charity to the public.

“Honestly I don’t know, but I did hear rumors about how a few sponsors insisted on having you as the representative. I don’t think their decision was a bad one. You might be new to this and need alittle guiding here and there, but I think you’ll do a great job. Anyways I have to go now. I have a meeting to attend this morning too.”

Victoria waved goodbye to Dr. Kyuhyun and started heading towards her department, while pondering Dr. Kyuhyun’s words. Who are these sponsors and why did they pick her? She’s a newbie doctor and hasn’t really talked to many people since she had arrived here so in what way could she have gotten any connections…Victoria’s started to think more about how usual this situation has gotten and then something finally clicked in her mind.

dropped open as she made an O and gasp. She should have realized it from the start. Siwon might be the one who’s behind all of this. He did say he’ll be in her life again whether she wanted him to be or not. And that he’ll just come into her life when she least expects it most.

But Kyuhyun did say that there were a few sponsors who had insisted on Victoria as the representative, not just one person. Could it also be Kris? But Kris and Siwon aren’t really on friendly terms so most likely they’ll never be participating in the same charity as one another. If not them then who else could have insisted on her? Maybe she’s overthinking this situation. Not hearing from Kris and Siwon probably made her frantic about their next move. It wasn’t as if they were a ghost, why should she be scared of their presence, she reminded herself.

 

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A smirk spread across his face as he looked at Victoria through the half opened doorway. She was laughing merrily while playing the patient and doctor game with the children in the hospitals playroom. She was pretending to bring the bear in for surgery because strange sounds were coming from its mouth when you hug the bear and Victoria needed the ‘doctors’ to do surgery and find out what’s causing this sound. It was one of those bears that giggled when you pressed its stomach.

He could feel his heart beating faster as he continued to stare at her. Even in her work clothes her beauty was breathe taking as ever. The way she smiles illuminated the whole room. It was as if rays of sunshine were spread throughout the place. Her giggles filled the room, echoed in his mind repeatedly. Her giggles are as contagious as ever, he thought as the grin on his face widen.

After a few minutes had gone by he began feeling a swelling pain from his chest. His heart was aching watching her from a distance. He didn’t want to just watch her from a distance. He wanted to have her close to him. He wanted to hold her close to him. Have her tilt her head up slightly, looking up at him with those big round eyes of hers through her long lashes while smiling at him; a smile that will surely melt him on the spot upon seeing. Let’s not forget her contagious giggle. He’ll hold her tight in his arms while hearing her giggle at his corny jokes. How he wants to hear those giggles so close to his ears that he could feel her breathing against him. He wanted her so badly it hurts.

Catching him off guard he felt someone’s hand on his shoulder. Their touch brought him back to reality. Turning around he saw a nurse smiling at him while shifting her eyes from him to Victoria in the room, then back to him. She gave him a warm smile and spoke, “are you looking for someone? Is there anything I can help you with, sir?”  

Reading the nametag on the nurse’s dress it says, ‘Park Luna.’ Giving her his business smile he spoke coolly, not wanting to show that he was guilty for getting caught staring at Victoria longer than he should have. “Nurse Park, is it? Thank you for your help, but I wasn’t really looking for anyone. I was just trying to find the bathroom and I accidently wondered here by mistake. Could you direct me to the nearest bathroom?”

Luna knew he was lying because there were signs everywhere directing patients and visitors to where the bathrooms were located. Also the hospital has mini maps in several locations around the hospital that direct patients and visitors to the locations of the departments, bathrooms, information desk and etc. There is no way this person could have missed it. Smiling warmly, Luna played along “the closest bathroom location in this department are just down this hall” she pointed to the left of her. “If you go this way you’ll find the bathroom to your left.”

“Luna, is my break over already?” Victoria shouted across the room, seeing Luna stand at the doorway.

“You still have 20 minutes of break left,” answered Luna.

“Oh…is there something wrong? Are you looking for me?” Victoria stood up from her spot. From her where she was standing she only saw Luna and the door.

Seeing Victoria stand up, he took a few steps back and hid in the shadow of the doorway, afraid that if she came any closer she’ll catch him. Seeing Luna look at him he placed his finger over his mouth in a ‘shhh’ gesture and looked at her with pleading eyes.

Not knowing why he didn’t want to talk to Victoria, Luna played along. Turning back to look at Victoria, Luna said, “I wasn’t looking for you. I just happened to pass by the room and couldn’t help stopping when I saw you playing with the children. It’s a sweet sight to look at.”

Sitting back down, Victoria smiled. “Are you sure you aren’t laughing at me because I’m such a child?”

“I’m sure. And even if I was laughing, it doesn’t make it any less cute.” Luna smiled sweetly at Victoria and stepped away from Victoria’s view. “See you later.”

“Okay,” Victoria shouted before returning to her ‘doctor-patient’ game.

 “Thank you” he smiled at her warmly and tilted his head slightly in a nodding gesture. Turning towards that direction the nurse had pointed out he took one step and caught a glimpse of Victoria at the corner of his eyes. Turning his face so he could get a full view of her face once more before leaving, a wide smile spread across his face.

Seeing him smile looking at Victoria reassured Luna that her suspicion were accurate. He wasn’t lost looking for the bathroom, but came here with a motive. Did he know Dr. Victoria or just an admirer? He could have talked to Dr. Victoria or at least gotten to see her face close up, but instead he stayed in the shadow and insisted on Luna not to let Victoria know about his presence. Why though? “Who are you? Do you know Dr. Victoria?”

The smile he showed Luna was a mixture of pain and affectionate. There was something sad behind the smile along with these words, “I don’t know her. I’m just a passerby, a stranger, her secret admirer from a distance.”

“You could have spoken to her if you wanted. She’s really nice and super easy going too…”

He chimed in before she could continue, “I’d rather not. I’m rather shy to approach her and besides she must be tired from the long day. I just wanted to look at her laugh and play with the children. It is a lovely sight.”

Luna pitied him. He has a small crush on Dr. Victoria, but too shy to speak up. “Dr. Victoria Song’s a really great doctor who just recently graduated. She hasn’t worked here that long, but she’s very professional and skilled at her job. She’s pretty picky when it comes to her job, though. She likes things done a certain way and she gets mad if it’s done incorrectly.” Looking over at Victoria, Luna smiled sweetly “but you know she has a great personality. She’s a really sweet, kind, warm and generous person and everyone loves her here. She’s only fussy with work related stuff because she’s somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to how things are organized. Overall, I think she’s a pretty great catch.”

“I see” he said as he smiled at the nurse for giving him information about Victoria.

She smiled back at him. She wasn’t extremely nosy like the other nurses, but for some reason she felt like she wanted to help him somehow and all she could think of was telling him about Victoria. “Even when she gets mad at us for our mistakes she doesn’t really yell at us, but just tell us to not do it again. She’s a good cook too! She brought food she made from home once and even though it was her lunch, she shared some of it with us and it was really good. Honestly I think that whoever dates her is one lucky person. She’s smart, pretty, has a great personality, and she can cook! She’s really friendly, easy to talk to and her laidback personality makes her approachable. And I think she’s still single! It’s hard to find a girl like that, that’s not taken.”

Letting out a soft chuckle he nodded his head. “It seems like you like her a lot.”

“I do!” Luna pouted “that is why I always wondered why such a great girl is still single. Actually all the nurses here were wondering the same thing since Dr. Victoria always gave us advice about our relationships and help us with our troubles. We always wondered how come she so knowledgeable about relationships and yet she’s still single. She doesn’t really talk about the type of guys she likes or any of her past relationship so it makes us even more curious about her ex-relationship. We went drinking several times and during those times we tried to get her to drink a lot so she could talk about her ex’s, but she never did.”

He looked at his watch and then back at Luna. “Well, thank you for your information regarding Dr. Victoria. I appreciate it. I must get going now. I have to get back to my company before they put out a search warrant for me.” Before turning away he caught one last glimpse of Victoria then turned his attention back to Nurse Luna, “being too curious isn’t always a good thing. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet that they don’t want to remember or think about. I think you guys should respect her decision if she wants it hidden.”

“I guess you’re right. I never thought of it that way.”

“Goodbye” he nodded at the nurse then walked away leaving Luna to ponder his words. Heading towards the direction of the hospital doors he saw the nurses in the front desk staring at him with their mouth wide open, gasping as he walked by. He could hear their whispers.

“Oh my god, isn’t he the one you guys were talking about this morning?” “Yeah! I told you he was good looking, isn’t he?” “He is! And so damn able” “I told you he’s a walking god.”

He smirked hearing all the things the nurses were whispering about him. These nurses were funny. They think they were whispering quietly, but in-fact, their whispers are as loud as their regular tone. Hearing his name being called in the distance made him look up to see who was calling him. Seeing Hyuna walking towards him he called her back, “hey Hyuna.”

“Did you see her?” Hyuna looked curious as to how Siwon’s will approach his second encounter with Victoria after hearing about what happened at the party. Siwon nodded his head and started walking towards the hospital door with Hyuna beside him. “So?”

“So?”

“How did it go? Did you guys talk to each other?” Hyuna looked at Siwon who looked calmed and unfazed, unlike how he had reacted when talking about seeing Victoria for the first time again.

“I only caught a small glimpse of her. She was busy working and I was busy in a meeting. I went to the hospital to talk to the head of the hospital then I left right after the meeting. Anyways, let’s hurry we have to meet the contractor at 3PM and it’s already 2PM.”

Hyuna raised an eyebrow. She didn’t believe Siwon’s words. If he knew Victoria was working here there is no way he’d just ‘catch a small glimpse’ of Victoria. She wasn’t buying this story, but she knew she couldn’t ask him about Victoria. Whenever she brought up Victoria without him wanting to discuss that topic, Siwon would often get mad and sometimes act violent.

Back at the Children’s department the nurses were all whispering about the latest news that nurse Luna has just brought up, which was that mysterious well-dressed man she saw a while ago.

“What are you guys talking about?” Victoria checked her clock then at the nurses who were there chatting happily. She was still on break so it was okay to chit-chat for a bit, before having to get back to work.

“There was a really handsome looking guy who was looking at you earlier” nurse Luna excitedly exclaimed as she placed her hand on Victoria’s arm and squeezed it. “He said he was your secret admirer.”

“Huh?” Victoria looked slightly uncertain, “mine?”

“Yeah. Yours,” Nurse Luna smiled sweetly. “I talked to him for a while and he seemed really nice and sweet. He was well mannered and there was something charismatic about him. His suit seemed expensive too.”

“He seems like a good catch. I saw him peeking at you too, but didn’t get a chance to talk to him.” Nurse Krystal pouted as she placed her hand on Victoria “you’re so lucky. I want a secret admirer too.”

Victoria giggled. “You have a boyfriend already. Isn’t that good enough?”

“No!” nurse Krystal frowned. “Boys change after they get you. They stop being the sweet and romantic guy they use to be when they were trying to chase after you. Boys change after you start dating them. Boyfriends are a waste of time. They are stupid….stupid Kai.”

Victoria laughed then rolled her eyes. In a teasing tone she joked “they could say the same for you.”

“How mean!” Krystal pouted. “I haven’t changed!”

Victoria pushed Krystal’s arm slightly, “joking. I was just joking. Everyone changes somehow once they are in love.” Thinking for a few seconds of who this mysterious person could be Victoria began feeling slightly uneasy. “Ummm…did this guy leave a name or anything?”

“Nope. He only said he was your secret admirer and to keep it a secret from you.” Luna smirked, all knowingly, “he even used this lame excuse that he got lost and couldn’t find the bathroom that’s how he ended up here, but it was just a lie. If he was looking for the bathroom in such a hurry he wouldn’t have spent such a long time just standing there staring at you. I think he was probably here visiting his family or something.” Luna guessed.

“Really?” A wide grin appeared on Victoria’s face. Looking at the ground she felt slightly relieved. If the admirer was here visiting another patient then that meant that there is absolutely zero possibility it could be Siwon since Siwon rarely visit people in the common area of the hospital.

Hearing her name being called from behind, she turned around and looked up. “Dr. Victoria there was someone looking for you earlier. He seemed like he knows you and isn’t a patient here so I took him to your office. I told him to sit there while I go get you.” Nurse Amber looked at Victoria then at the clip board in her hand. “You actually don’t have any checkups you need to do for another hour or so, so you could just go talk to that friend for a bit.”

“Ohh…okay” Victoria’s voice sounded slightly panicky as she started walking towards her office. “I’ll go, go see who it is. Thank you.” She could feel her heart thumping loudly inside her chest. She was feeling anxious yet angry at the same time thinking there is a possibility that the person in her office could be Siwon. She couldn’t run away from him since she still has a few hours left or work and she couldn’t just kick him out of her office because it would be unprofessional to let her personal problems affect her work.

She was well prepared for him to appear before her, but she just didn’t want him to appear infront of her at work. She didn’t want to be shaken up at work. What if he put a move on her again? What if he shook up her emotions again? How could she control her anger and rage if he tried to touch her again while telling her lies? She was stronger than that and yet she shed tears that night. She told herself she would never let him hurt her again, but all of those were just words that she had used to console herself. When faced with the person you had once loved emotions fill you up to the point where you can’t control your every action and words.

Upon reaching the office door she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Just deal with it, Victoria, she told herself. Just ask him what he wants and tell him you are busy with work so he should leave you alone.  Putting her hand on the handle of the door she could feel her hand tremble. Twisting the knob her heart felt a sense of relief seeing Kris. She smiled at him as their eyes locked onto one another. It’s Kris. Kris not Siwon, she repeated in her head.

“Long day?” Kris asked as he stood up and smiled at her. Who knew someone could look this pretty in something as plain as a white doctor’s coat, he thought as he scanned her up and down. She always manage to take his breathe away without having to do a damn thing.

Victoria nodded her head and whispered, “kind-of.” Turning slightly around, she closed the door behind her. Turning back around Victoria saw Kris holding his arms out, in a hugging gesture. Victoria stood there, frozen in place. She didn’t know how to react to his gesture. She could hug him like she used to, but for some reason she felt that if she did that there might be more awkwardness between them. They haven’t seen each other for over 10 years, and last week didn’t count since their encounter was short due to Siwon’s interruption.  

Seeing Victoria hesitate about which action to take Kris’s smiled slowly turned into a frown. It hurts seeing her this way. Hesitating… When she left years ago they ended on bad term and it killed him to know that he might never get what they use to have back, but he’ll be damn if he didn’t try. He didn’t mind working as long as he gets results, as long as she could treat him like how she use to without seeing him as the same person as before.

He knew he should take baby steps, but seeing her before him mad him impatient. He couldn’t help wanting to take action instantly. Taking a few steps forward he grabbed her hands in his and pulled her body slowly towards his until he could feel her body against his. Hugging her tightly he whispered, “I miss you so much. I miss this.” Pulling away from her he looked down at her and spoke in a playful tone, “you need a shower. You smell like the hospital.”

Did she have the rights to hug him back? Did she have the right to want things how they use to be?  Did she have the right to be in his life again? She left years ago and never looked back. He loved her and yet she threw his love away. He waited for her all these years and yet she came back not wanting him in her life. She came back hoping she wouldn’t see him again. She hoped he had forgotten about her, but he didn’t. And the guilt killed her knowing how much she had hurt her best friend all these years.

Victoria laughed softly, a laugh that was filled with tears and happiness at the same time. It was as if everything was like it used to be and nothing had changed between them.  He would always say something so sweet to her then say something teasingly right after since he doesn’t want her to feel burden by his sweet words. She was selfish for hoping that things never changed between them. She was selfish for wanting him to treat her like he use to without having the love there. She was selfish before and she’s selfish now.

Wrapping her arms around him she knew she was being selfish, but she couldn’t help it. She missed their friendship. She always regretted how things ended between them. In a low whisper she spoke in a shaky voice, “me too…” The hug wasn’t awkward like she had imagined it’d be. It was like how they use to hug each other when they had a long day or when something was bothering them. They would hug each other while teasing each other, to cheer each other up. “I miss this too.”

“Do you?” Kris let go of Victoria and narrowed his eyes at her. “You don’t seem happy to see me nor miss me at that party.”

“Because you were acting weird that night” Victoria said softly as she looked at him. Pulling her glaze away from his she walked around the desk and sat in her chair behind the desk. “I mean we haven’t seen each other for along time and I didn’t know what to do or how to act around you. You seemed so natural and I was a nervous wreck. I don’t want things to be awkward, but it’s hard not to be since we haven’t seen each other for 10 years. And how we ended things weren’t the best of terms either.”

“I guess. I mean I haven’t seen you for 10 years and that night I felt like you were going to leave again without saying goodbye. I didn’t want you to disappear after reappearing in my life again,” a sad smile appeared on Kris’s face.  Sitting at the chair across from Victoria, he continued “I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I want things like how they use to be…” He lowered his head and voice, “with a few exceptions.”

“Exceptions?” Victoria was sure what he meant by this.

“I want us to be like we were before, but at the same time different. We are different people now. We can’t always be like how we use to be without a few exceptions here and there. You aren’t a little girl anymore, you are a woman now. I am not a little boy anymore, I’m a man now. People change as they get older and learn from their past mistakes and experiences. ”

“I guess…” Victoria wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but she was scared it’ll come back to the topic of him loving her again. She always feels guilty when she thinks of his love for her. She couldn’t do anything back then for him, nor give him anything back then because her heart was completely taken by Siwon. She overlooked Kris and his feelings or rather she just plainly didn’t want to acknowledge them. Changing the topic Victoria wanted to shift the mood, “how did you know where I worked?”

“I told you I have some connections” Kris smiled weakly. “I wanted to be friends again. I want us to be like how we were before. I wanted to ask you for your contact information that night, but you know….” Kris drifted off.

That night Siwon carried her off as Kris was being dragged off. Victoria wanted to ask Kris about what happened after that and why was Siwon like that, but she didn’t dare to. Before she would think that Siwon would never hurt Kris, but the fact was Siwon actually punched Kris until he bleed and knocked him out said a lot. What else could she ask Kris about that night without bringing up that whole incident? Nothing came to her mind.

“Well anyways, I got your information from a friend and I thought I’d come and surprise you at work. I wanted to know if you wanted to grab some lunch with an old friend and catch up on 10 years of life we had missed.”

“I’m sorry I can’t. I already took my lunch break, Kris” Victoria looked at him sympathetically. “If I had known you were coming I would have…”

Kris interrupted Victoria. “Don’t be sorry. How about getting some dinner tonight?”

Victoria hesitated for a second. She had made plans with Gyuri already, but she really wanted to patch things up with Kris. She did owe him a lot. She never apologized for how she left 10 years ago. She never told him how sorry she was for hurting him and doing what she did. She has so much she wants to apologize and say to him.

Seeing as how Victoria was reluctant to reply Kris spoke again, “it’s okay if you can’t today. I understand. We can always do it another time. 10 years’ time is a lot to catch up on and can’t do it all in one night anyways.” Staring at her across the desk he just wanted to take her in his arms and tell her everything. Tell her how much he still loves her, but he stopped himself from doing so. Staring at her so affectionately yet so sadden he spoke again, “we have all the time in the world….all the time in the world if you don’t disappear again.”

Looking at Kris, Victoria smiled. He has changed. The old Kris wouldn’t have cared what plans she had or what she had to do. He would have made Victoria go with him weather she wanted to or not. This new Kris was different. He has matured, she thought as she recalled the old memories of Kris. It might be hard to separate the old Kris I know from the new Kris infront of me, but I should give it a chance. I can’t hold the old shadow of Kris above his head for the rest of his life. He had a sullen expression as he stared at her. The look on his face made her feel guilty. Without thinking she blurted out, “let’s go to dinner tonight. I don’t get off work until 4 more hours, so is that okay?”

A wide grin spread across Kris’s cheeks. He couldn’t contain his excitement as he spoke, “that’s fine with me. So 7PM it is. We have so much to catch up on.” Kris stood up from his seat and held his arms out, “I’ll let you get back to work. A goodbye hug?”

“Okay” Victoria smiled and stood up and hugged him.

 

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 “For a second there I was beginning to get scared. I thought you weren’t going to show up,” Kris spoke excitedly as he stood up upon seeing Victoria stand at the doorway. He wanted some privacy so he asked for a private room. The room he picked was the furthest from the other rooms and tables. He wanted a secluded area where they could just talk.

This was one of his favorite sushi restaurants. It was a large restaurant, but had a very quiet and romantic atmosphere about it. “Was the place easy to find?” He asked as he walked over to where she was standing he held out his hand so she could hold on to him while taking off her shoes.

“Why would you think that? I did say I’ll come” Victoria took Kris’s hand and bent her knee to pull off one of her high heel with her other hand. “I was just held back at work that’s all. I came here as fast as I could right after.” Looking at her watch she smiled innocently, “I’m only an half an hour late. And to answer your question, yes, this place was easy to find.”

“Don’t make it sound it it’s no big deal.” Kris playfully pushed her, but grabbed her right after when she was slightly rocking back and forth. “Sorry!” He pouted. He almost made her fall as she was trying to take off her other heel.

“YAH!” After taking off her other heel she kicked Kris’s leg gently with her foot. “Why would you push me when you know I am trying to take off my heels?” 

“I didn’t know you were so unstable. You use to be so athletic and what not. Always flexing here and there, bending your body backwards. You were always balancing yourself here and there so I didn’t think you’d actually fall from that push. Sorry” Kris pouted and rubbed Victoria’s back. “Besides I didn’t even use that much force.” Letting go of his hand on her back he walked around the table and sat down.

Victoria sat on floor across from him and glared. She spoke in a blaming tone as she pouted “just because you didn’t use that much force doesn’t mean I was prepared to balance myself! Dummy. Pig head. Pabo (idiot)!”

Hearing Victoria call him all these names made him laugh hysterically. Without realizing it Victoria’s pout disappeared and she began to smile then laugh along with him. “What’s so funny, huh?” She sat up on her knees and pushed him gently, “why are you laughing so much?” Shoving him once more she asked, “Yah! Tell me. Why are you laughing so much?”

“Why are you laughing then?” Kris managed to let out between laughers.

“Because you were laughing” Victoria kicked him playfully under the table. “Yah! Quit laughing.”

“Ahh” he yelped. Staring at her infront of him a smile spread across his face. “It’s like old times. We have changed so much and yet haven’t changed at all. We are now adults and yet still acting like children’s.”

“I know what you mean.” Victoria smiled sweetly at him.

“Did you know, I haven’t laughed this much for so long in such a long time? I don’t think I ever laughed this much after you were gone.” The smile on his face slowly faded as he continued to speak. Taking in a deep breath, he forced a smile on his face as he spoke. “When I found out that you had left…my world was shattered….I thought I lost everything. I couldn’t smile like I use to. I couldn’t be happy. I couldn’t do anything without you. It was like I knew what it felt like to die without death.”

The words were stuck in Victoria’s throat as images of Kris suffering because of her. She didn’t know what to say or do to ease his pain away. She hated how things got to this. She hated how she had hurt him, but at the same time she knew that if she were to reverse time she’d still do it all over again. She didn’t love him back then and she knew she couldn’t lead him on. She knew she’d break his heart one way or another somehow. She was just delaying the inevitable if continued to lead him on.  She rather break his heart when she knew what he meant when he said he loved her back then, then carried on as if she didn’t understand his feelings. If Siwon did what she had done then maybe their outcome would have been different. Their relationship wouldn’t have been so broken like it is right now.

Seeing her unable to speak, he let out a sigh. He didn’t want to bring it up. Before coming here he told himself he wouldn’t make her sad or bring up the past because he wanted to start anew with her, but when she’s infront of him he loses all his calm. Every time he saw her face he knew his feelings of love for her were written all over his face, which he didn’t want. He didn’t want her to see the weaker side of him. The side of him that was unable to let go of the past. The side of him that was still hurt and tormented by her past actions.

Just seeing Victoria infront of him made his heart ache. She was so close yet so far, even after all these years, he thought. What do I have to do to get inside your heart? Tell me. He struggled within himself whenever she’s around. He wanted her to see him in a new light, but the old feelings he had for her still haunted him. He wanted to be a better man infront of her, but sometimes old feelings and emotions overwhelmed him and he ends up saying things he rather leaves in the past. Smiling weakly he changed the subject for the sake of his own sanity, “how was living aboard?”

“It was good” Victoria smiled back. She was thankful that he had changed the subject. She really didn’t know what to say to him whenever he brought up the past. The only thing she could ever say to him was ‘I’m sorry,’ but even saying those words hundreds and thousands of times never did seem enough.  “It was a life changing experience.”

“Life changing?” He asked curiously.

“Yep, it was life changing.” Victoria looked towards the ceiling while collecting her thoughts. Looking back towards Kris she continued. “The culture and lifestyle there is completely different from that of Korea. It was more laid back and less culture orientated.”

“Did you make a lot of friends living there?”

Before Victoria could answer his question the waitress came in to take their order. “Ahhh…” Victoria looked up at the waitress then to Kris then back to the waitress. “We were so engrossed in our conversation that we forgot to look at the menu. Sorry about that, do you mind giving us a few minutes?”

The waitress nodded her head, “take your time. I’ll come back in a few more minutes.”

After the waitress left the room, Victoria turned her attention back towards Kris. “Since you’ve been here a few times already, why don’t you just order for the both of us?” Flipping through a few pages of the menu she continued “we could always order a bunch of things and just share.”

“Okay.” Kris nodded his head and turned his attention at the menu at hand. Looking through the appetizers sections he looked up at Victoria and asked, “They have really fresh oyster here. Want to try some oyster shooters as an appetizer first?”

“That’s fine by me,” Victoria stared at Kris as he continued to scan the menu. “Just order whatever. Anything is fine by me.” Seeing him so focus on reading the menu she couldn’t help, but smile. Having a good look at him, he’s definitely changed. He’s taller than before. He was almost a whole head taller than her if she weren’t wearing heels. His smile and laughter was attractive as ever, but it was no longer a boyish one. There was something manly yet seductive about his laugher. Victoria bet he had made many women fall to their knees just from that smile alone.

Perching her head on the palm of her hand she looked at him from his head down to his posture. Victoria bet that Kris’s messy bed head probably drove girls wild. She wondered how many girls did get a chance to run their fingers through his hair, probably a damn lot. He was always a fierce skirt chaser. And loves the attention he gets from the opposite .

Slowly lowering her glaze to his dark brown eyes, those dark brown smothering eyes looked as though they could pierce through anything just with a glance. Lowering her glaze once again she focused her eyes on his lips. His lips were always pink and lush even as a child. She felt slightly jealousy that he has such girly lips. Looking him up and down she realized he wasn’t that boy she had once knew anymore. He’s changed not only physically, but also mentally. He has this charismatic charm about him like he did back when they were kids, but it was more refined now, more masculine. Looking at his arms she couldn’t help, but let out a small giggle. 

Looking up from the menu at hand Kris was curious as to what Victoria was causing Victoria to laugh like that. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Victoria answered as she tried to hold back her giggles.

Eyeing Victoria suspiciously he furrowed his brow. “Seriously, what’s so funny?”

“Promise you won’t get mad?” Victoria stuck her tongue out slightly. Seeing Kris nod his head, giving her the green light, she continued. “You’ve changed. I mean...as I was looking at you, I realized you’ve gotten really good looking and have become really masculine. Your presence and aura made me think, ahhh he’s really a man now, but then…” Victoria couldn’t help letting out a small giggle. “…but then when I see your arms and body, they were those of a boy.”

“What?” Kris yelled. “How can you put me on a pedestal with all those compliments just to kick me off with that last comment?”

“Well…you have such a manly face and demure about you and yet when I see your body for some reason I think…”

“Say no more.” Kris pouted. “How can you be so rude to someone you haven’t seen for 10 years!” Looking at his own body he flexed his arms, “look here, miss know-it-all, just because my arms aren’t bulky like other guys out there, that doesn’t make me any less manly. I just haven’t had time to go to the gym that’s all!” Standing up from where he was sitting he turned around and lifted up his shirt. Patting his stomach he rubbed his abs and turned around. “Look here. My arms might not be super muscular, but my body is. My body’s probably better than a lot of guys out there. See how define these abs are? I worked damn hard for these 6 packs.” Rubbing his hand on his stomach he showed Victoria his chocolate abs.

As the waitress came in to take their order she saw a side view of Kris’s lifting up his shirt and showing off his abs. Unable to hide her happiness she yelp “omo,” and blushed.

Hearing the waitress behind him, Kris pulled his shirt down instantly and went to his seat. Clearing his throat he the back of his neck and spoke, “ummm….sorry about that. We’re ready to order though.” The flustered waitress walked over and took their order. As she was writing down their order she kept getting redder as she looked down at Kris then back at the pad she was writing the order on. Patting his stomach again he spoke, “what do you think of my body? It was manly, right?”

The waitress looked up at him instantly as those words left his mouth. She continued to blush wildly and nodded her head shyly, “it...it…your body was…ver…very nice and…and manly.” Bowing her head slightly she excused herself from the room.

Victoria had her hand against trying to hold in her laugher. She saw the waitress walking in the room when Kris turned and face her to show her his body, but she didn’t want to say a word to him. After the waitress left, Victoria started laughing hysterically for some reason. Kris turned his attention at Victoria instantly and frowned, “you knew, didn’t you? You knew she was standing there and you didn’t say anything!”

Victoria stopped laughing and smiled devilishly at Kris. She shrugged her shoulders and innocently replied, “I don’t know what you are talking about. I know nothing.”

“Yes you do! You damn brat.” Kris got on his knees and reached over towards Victoria and tousled her hair.

“Hey!” Victoria yelled as she leaned back. Pulling her head away from his fingers she pouted at him. Kicking him gently under the table she spoke harshly, “we aren’t kids anymore. Quit picking fights with me.”

“I know.” Placing his elbows on the table he leaned forward and rested his chin on his hands. A smirked appeared on his face as he stared at her. “Did I tell you that I’m happy your back?”

“No you didn’t, but I know you are.” Victoria smiled weakly. The way that he’s looking at her right now made her feel a sense of uneasiness. She disliked that affectionate gaze that he would give her. She felt guilty every time she looks into those eyes of his. They were full of compassion, desire, need and love for her. Every emotion and feeling he has for her are written in his gaze. She rather see his playful side this then his affectionate side.

Her eyes, on the other hand, were the opposite of his. His affectionate gaze only made her feel a sense of sympathy for him, pity even. “I feel the same way,” she whispered in a low tone.

“You have a funny way of showing it.” He turned away from her and looked at the flooring. “You didn’t seem to want to see me that day,” He whispered before turning his attention back towards her. Focusing his gaze on her his eyes were unwavering as he looked at her.  “Don’t leave without saying goodbye again.”

In an apologetic tone she spoke, “I’m sorry about that time.” Taking her gaze away from his painful stares she looked down at her hands, “I always wanted to apologize for how things ended with us and how I left that time. I was young and naïve back then. I was clueless and reckless when it came to matters of the heart. I thought that by running away was the best solution for the three of us that time.” Looking back up at him she felt a lump in as she forced herself to continue with this conversation.

She knew she had to tell him a lot of things and apologize for the past, but she didn’t know where to start. “It was hard for me back then. I didn’t know how to deal with your feelings for me. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings for him. I felt that if I ran far away from the both of you I could ease your pain…ease my own pain. Let you and him forget me. Forget about my existence and move on. And I’ll do the same.”

Looking at him with a sympathetic expression she spoke again, “I…I can’t do much for you back then and even now. Whenever you look at me so affectionately I don’t know what to do or what to say to you to take away those feelings. To ease the pain I’ve caused… To let you understand that my feelings of love for you is nothing more than just what we were. To let you realize that your endless amounts of efforts may never reach any results. And those unwavering eyes of yours…damn those eyes of yours… they sometimes make it hard for me to breathe. They always looked so certain, certain that I’m the one for you. The one you love and it can’t be another.” With trembling lips she couldn’t help, but say one last thing. “Why? Why me…all these years I’ve been asking myself this question. Did I lead you on somehow without knowing it? Did I give you false hope? Did I…”

“Stop Victoria, stop” Kris interrupted. “You didn’t lead me on. You didn’t give me false hope. You never showed anything...” Smiling weakly he looked up at the ceiling, “maybe that’s why I’ve also been wondering why Siwon and not me. You never really showed much interest in Siwon. You never acted differently or more affectionate towards Siwon than me. Girls usually act differently towards the guy they like, but for some reason you didn’t. Or maybe I was never around to see or notice it.”

Looking at her, he let out a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. “Your feelings for him hit me hard that day. It was something I wasn’t expecting. I knew you were bothered by something, seeing as how you were losing so much weight, you often cried and became very sensitive occasionally. I had a strong feeling that it might have had something to do with a guy, but I was hoping it didn’t. I didn’t like the idea of you falling for another guy, but I knew what I feared is most likely what had happened. And…and to find out that it was Siwon was like double the impact. It made me wondered how did he get your heart…Since when did he even become a contender for your heart?”

“I don’t know…it just happened.” Victoria feebly replied. She knew she was telling him a lie, but she couldn’t tell him that Siwon slipped into her heart after he kissed her. She couldn’t tell him everything that had happened. There were certain things that are better left in the past.

“I could say the same about you.” Kris looked over at Victoria. “I fell for you before I knew it…or maybe I was just lying to myself all along. I always told myself that you were a sister, a childhood friend to me, but then one day everything became clear to me when I held you in my arms and those words, ‘I love you’ weren’t like they use to be. The meaning felt different. I realized that my feelings for you were different. I wanted you all to myself. I wanted you to look my way, only at me. I didn’t like to share you with others and didn’t like others looking at you. It was as if I was scared of everyone taking you away from me. That was the moment when I couldn’t help, but become this controlling and possessive person. I felt that if I was that way, there is no one anyone could come inside your heart without me knowing or getting rid of them before they do so, but I was wrong…he got in. He stole your heart.”

“That was the past,” Victoria interrupted. Just the thought of her being in love with Siwon filled her with rage. She was so…so stupid back then. She was so foolish about love, carelessly giving her heart to the devil. “It’s all in the past. That love, if you can call it that, was childish and gone.”

Kris reached across the table and grabbed Victoria’s hand. “I can’t say the same for my love…”

Victoria wanted to reply to his words. To tell him not to make the same mistake twice, not to fall for the same person twice, but he stopped her from speaking. “Shhh…don’t say it. I know what you’re going to say. Let me talk first.”

“I know you’ll tell me it’s hopeless and that it could never happen and what not, but that’s not what I’m asking for. I know…” Kris paused mid-sentence trying not to let his emotions take control. “I know you’ll tell me that you don’t love me and that all this might be just another lost cause, but even so I can’t help how I feel about you. All these years did nothing on my feelings. They are and might forever be unchanging. I’ve tried to move on. You don’t think I just waited here helpless for your return do you? I’ve honestly tried to move on. I dated people. I tried falling in love and giving love a chance, but at the end of the day the person who had always kept my heart has always been you, just you nobody else. I’ve tried to let you go and forget about you, but no matter what I do my heart always pointed towards you.”

“Kris…”Victoria whispered his name. It made his heart ache hearing her say his name. It was pity. It was guilt. It was the sound of sympathy. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear from her. It wasn’t what he wanted to make her feel now that she’s back in his life again.

“...let me continue to say what I have to say and you can say what you have to say,” Kris smiled weakly at Victoria. He didn’t want her to interrupt him. He didn’t want to stop now that his words had already begun spilling from his lips. He had thought long and hard about what to do about this whole Victoria thing and all that came to mind was that he still wanted her. He wanted her back in his life, in his arms even if it was only for a moment again. As long as she didn’t disappear, he’ll take what he can get from her. He had made a scheme in his mind the moment their eyes locked that night.

He told himself that their relationship was non-existence due to all those lost years, so the first step he must take is to take back what was lost all those years. Their friendship that was once lost, her love for him, even if it was nothing more than love between friends.  Her bright smile that light up the room. It would make his heart skip a beat every time he saw her smile. He wanted her to be like her old self around him; comfortable, relaxed and smiling freely when he’s around.

After he had accomplished that the next step to take was to make her see him as a man. He wanted to take her breathe away with his presence like she did to him. He wanted her to see how much he had matured, mentally and physically. He wanted to show her how time has changed him.

The last thing he had on his list was not an easy thing to do, but he even so he has to do it. It was to make her fall in love with him.  She doesn’t love him, but even knowing this he has to give it one last chance. This time around he’ll give it his all. He’ll do what he has to do to make her his. He wasn’t a scared little boy anymore. He isn’t going to hold back his feelings because he’s scared she doesn’t love him. He did that and she slipped from his clasp. He was scared of a lot of things and when she didn’t realize his feelings he became aggressive and forceful towards her. That type of love will only scare her.  He can’t do the same thing he did back then. All he could do is hope that this time around his heart will reach hers.

“I told you I’ve changed. I am not the same controlling and possessive Kris as before. I was young and naïve back then, a fool. I was reckless, clueless and didn’t know better. At that time I thought that if I could control your every movement or be possessive of you, you’d eventually have no one else to love, but me. I was scared of confessing my love to you when you aren’t ready, but I was scared you’d fall for someone else other than me so I would always watch you like a hawk. I didn’t want you to meet other people and fall in love with anyone other than me. I didn’t want others to look at you and chase after you. I only wanted you for myself and now that I am older I realized that that wasn’t love, but more like a possession of an object, a pet. I’ve changed in many ways except one and that’s my love for you. That hasn’t changed even after all these years.”

Victoria smiled weakly as she remembered the past. It was something she hated talking about or thinking of, but there were good times too. It was true Kris was overbearing and controlling, but at a point in her life she thought he did it because he wanted her to protect her. She was an only child and with her parents traveling so much. It was lonely living alone. Having Kris there with her eased a lot of her loneliness. She had someone there to fight with her, to share her smile and tears with him made her happy. He was always around when she needed him. He had always been there.

“I know better now. I know my mistakes from the past and why my feelings chased you away that time.” Kris stared at Victoria’s hands on the table and reached over to grab it in his. Gently holding her hands in his, he gave her a loving stare. “Back then I sprung my feelings on you when you were unprepared for it. You were in lov…love with him. It was a battle I had lost even before I even begun to fight. It was unfair to me that you fell in love with him before I had a chance to tell you I love you. By the time I told you, your heart was already taken over completely by him. If I had told you my feelings the moment I fell in love with you, would things have changed?”

From the look on her face, Kris knew the answer even without her saying so. She had a regretful yet sorrowful look on her face. “It doesn’t matter anymore anyways.” He interlocked his fingers against hers, “the past has already become the past. No matter how many times I ask you that question I know the question will forever be answered. We can never go back in time to change our past. Let’s just look ahead to our future.”

“Kris, love can’t be forced…” Victoria whispered. The weight of the words ‘our future’ weighted in on Victoria’s heart. She didn’t want him to expect anything. Even if they are two different people now it doesn’t mean things will change between them. Love always comes knocking on your door when you want it to.

“Did I ask you to love me?” Kris couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice as he spoke. “I’ll admit that I want you to love me. I hope you’ll fall in love me, but I never said you had to. I won’t force you to love me like I did back then.”

“But you still hope for me to love you one day…”Victoria tried to pull her hand from Kris’s grip, but he wouldn’t let go. “Your hope for love is what’s making it the hardest for me.”

Kris finally spoke after a few minutes of staring at Victoria while gathering his thoughts. “I don’t want to make things hard for you. I just don’t want to hide my feelings from you. I’m not going to lie about my feelings. Honestly, I hope you’d fall in love with me someday, somehow, but it’s not something that you have to do. I don’t ever want you to think that it’s something I expect because it isn’t. I just want you to know that I still love you and haven’t given up on you yet. If you fall for me one day then I’m happy, but if not then it is just a boost of motivation for me to try harder.”

“…but” Victoria whispered. How can she hurt him again? The look on his face back then when he finds out she loves someone else still haunts her. She was cruel and indifferent towards him. She had hurt her best friend and never wanted to see him like that. Don’t make the same mistake twice. Don’t fall for the same person twice.

“You can’t change how I feel about you. You can’t stop me from loving you” he interrupted her, gently pulling her towards him. “If I want to get my heart broken again I have the right to do so. If I want to love you even if I know that there is a chance you won’t love me in return. That’s my choice. I know what I’m doing and getting myself into. I am not asking you to love me. All I am asking is for you to open your eyes and acknowledge this love that I have for you isn’t a love for a friend or a sister, but a man loving a women.”

Pulling one of her hand towards his face he gently brushed her fingers against his lips. Tightening his grip on her fingers he pulled his lips away from her delicate fingers and looked over at where she was sitting. Closing his eyes he kissed her fingers again, “I hope this action answered all of your questions about how serious I am. I won’t change my mind.”

Putting her hands down, but still holding it in his he continued “you might think I’m being cruel to you by saying all the things you never wanted to hear. Especially since we haven’t seen each other for so long I wanted to have a light conversation the first time we talk to each other, but I guess it won’t happen that way. I just wanted to lay my cards out on the table for you to see. I don’t want to hide anything. I wanted to prepare you for the future so that you won’t question my actions or words. I don’t want you to say, ‘why are you doing this?’ or ‘I don’t understand what is the meaning of all of this?’ because you know. I want you to see acknowledge my feelings without questioning it. That’s all I want…is for you to understand my heart.”

Hearing the sliding paper door open, Kris let go of Victoria’s hand in his and turned his attention to the waitress. She walked in and placed a few plates and bowls on their table. “Please enjoy. If there is anything you need please don’t hesitate and call for us.” Bowing her head slightly she left the room.

“Don’t look at me that way,” Kris smiled sweetly at Victoria before placing a few different items on her plate for her. “Quit staring at me and eat.” He pouted and gestured her to begin eating.

What to do? She asked herself. He answered everything she had questioned him. She had told him many times that she doesn’t love him and that she might never love him, but no matter what she said to him his final answer always end up making her speechless and unable to say any more. He said he knows how she feels, but even knowing this he won’t give up on her. How can he still love her when she had hurt him so much? Cause him so much pain and heartache.  How can he still love someone who had once picked his brother over him? This new Kris was hard to understand.

It was true that she came here wanting Kris in her life again. To mend past mistakes and regrets, to make things right again, but his words threw her off guard? She was falling back into the trap of the past again. Kris loving her and her unable to love him back. Not knowing how to love him back. They are just falling back to the old footsteps that they had once taken. Him giving all his love to her only to end up empty handed. Why can’t he understand? Why can’t her heart open up to him?

Before she could think any further Kris held out his chopsticks towards her, ushering her to eat. It had a few pieces of ginger on top of a salmon sushi roll that was already dipped in sauce. “Eat,” he demanded. “Sitting here and thinking about all this won’t change anything. My mind has already decided on this the moment I saw you again that night. This time around I’m going to hold onto you tight and not let you go. I’m going to do all the things I regret never doing before.”

Victoria took a bite of the sushi he had just fed her. She was about to swallow the sushi and finish the other half, but Kris had already put the half-bitten sushi in his mouth. He grabbed a different sushi roll and did the same thing. Placed some ginger on it and dipped in some sauce before holding it out to her. “I can feed my…” said Victoria, before Kris cut her mid-sentence.

“I know you can, but you aren’t so eat” he ushered the sushi closer to . This time she tried to eat the whole thing, but end up having a hard time chewing because the sushi was so big. “See what you get for trying to be greedy with food. Taking a bite at a time won’t kill you.” He poured her some tea and set it beside her plate. “I’m not going to devour you in one bite, Victoria. I know my words might have gotten to you, but just think of it as a heads up, a warning even. I don’t want you to think I’ll chase you endlessly until I get what I want. The future is uncertain and unpredictable. I just want you to know that.”

“It sure is…”said Victoria after taking a sip of her tea. “I don’t know what to do in this situation. I mean…you have become so unpredictable….so opened that it’s frightening. Your feelings were always well hidden before, but your actions were easy to read. I knew what you hated. I knew how you’d react if I were to do something you didn’t like. I knew what you were doing and what you’d say before you even do or say these things. And now it’s so hard to even understand you, let alone read your actions.”

Kris smiled, “isn’t that what age and wisdom does to a person? If I was the same predictable person like back then, then that would have meant I haven’t grown and mature.  And if I don’t change my tactics regarding you, I wouldn’t be-able to make your heart skip a beat in the future or make you fall in love with me, one day, maybe.”

Victoria pouted. She didn’t want to think of this. She had hated things that were unpredictable after the first time she fell in love unexpectedly. She hated things she can’t read or understand.

“Quit pouting and eat” he ushered another sushi at her. “This time don’t eat the whole thing. You could have choked by looks of it. It took you a long time to chew that whole sushi piece. And quit thinking about this whole thing. Just take it for what it is. I love you, you don’t love me. I told you I’m going to chase after you this time and take you as mine so prepare yourself. That’s all there is to it. No matter what you say it won’t change my mind so just leave it at that.” Seeing Victoria take a bite of the sushi he shoved the rest of her sushi in his mouth. “Let’s change the topic to a lighter one miss worry wart. It’s not like I bite.” He rolled his eyes. “Don’t you have anything to ask me?”

After a long pause Victoria spoke up awkwardly, “so how’s life?” She was still unable to wrap this whole situation around her head. Kris told her he still loves her and that she should prepare herself because he’s not holding back this time around. But at the same time he’s acting like all of this isn’t a big deal after saying all those things to her. Shouldn’t he give her time to process all of this?

He acts like his feelings aren’t a big deal and that whether she loves him or not in the end won’t matter. It makes her more confused when he’s like this. His nonchalant attitude makes it more puzzling. Normally wouldn’t guys get mad when their love isn’t mutual? What is he really thinking?

“Seriously! 10 years without seeing me and that’s the first question you are going to ask me?” He eyed her suspiciously. Seeing her shrug her shoulders uncertain of what to ask he let out a long sigh. “I give in. You are just a hopeless worrisome person. You really know how to make a person feel wanted all these years.” He pouted and shoved a sushi in his mouth. He poured himself and Victoria some sake. Taking a sip of the cup he placed it back on the table. With his arms slightly behind him to his side, he leaned back.

“Life’s decent. Work is okay. It’s not what I wanted to do, but I make a good living off it so I can’t complain. Family is doing well. You should visit them sometimes. My parents would be happy to see you.”

Victoria smiled as she thought of his parents. “I will. I missed them too. I actually saw them a few months ago when they came to visit my parents.” Taking a sip of the sake, she smiled. Trying to change the subject she asked “did I tell you I love alcohol? I think at a certain age you grow to love this bitter drink. I wasn’t always a good drinker, but grow to become a better drinker over time. I think I’m better at hard liquid then beer.”

“So…my parents…you see them often?” Kris felt slightly agitated that Victoria tried to avoid the subject. His parents saw her. Have they been in contacted with her all these years? How often do they see her? They never told him they had seen her. No matter how many times he asked them where she was they would always say they don’t know.

“Not really. I see them whenever they came to America to visit my parents. They came to my graduation a few months ago.”

“Oh,” was the only thing he managed to say. How can they do this to him? They knew how desperate he was to find her and they never told him they saw her. He knew her parents and his always talk on the phone and sometimes they’d visit each other, but he never imagined they had seen Victoria all these years. Every time they came back from a trip to the US, he would always ask them if they saw Victoria, but they always said she wasn’t there.

“Don’t blame your parents” Victoria whispered. It was as if she could read his thought. “I asked them to keep it a secret. I never told your parents the reason why I wanted them to keep it a secret, but since they thought of me as a daughter they promised me they would.” Drinking the rest of the sake she poured herself another glass.

“I don’t blame them.” Kris lied.

“Are you sure?” Victoria stared at Kris. Seeing him nod his head didn’t really reassure her so she asked him again. “Are you really, really absolute sure?” Bending over the table, Victoria pulled Kris’s face towards her. Tilted her head she tried to examine his expression. “Still can’t tell if you are lying or not.”

“I’m not lying.” Kris pulled his face away from hers. “Let’s get back to the topic. So, how about you? How’s life there? Date a lot?”

“Life there was interesting. Freedom kind of made me rebellious. I pierced my belly button once!” Victoria drank some more sake then patted her stomach, “It’s gone now though. I got rid of it once I entered my 3^rd year of college. As for dating…pfff” Victoria couldn’t help laughing. “I had some really bad experiences going on dates, but I never really dated anyone since I was never interested in love.”

“If you were never interested in love why did you go on dates then?” Kris teased. “Are you some kind of serial dater? Just date guy after guy for fun, but never intending to actually become their girlfriend?”

Drinking some more sake she thought for a moment about her university life. “It is slightly weird yet funny at the same time, hearing you tease me about my dating experience. The old you would have just gotten mad at me and threw a tantrum.”

“Why don’t you believe me when I said I’ve changed?”

“I don’t know,” Victoria smile weakly. “I knew the old you for almost half my life so I can’t help, but always think of that boyish Kris. A more mature, wiser, and cunning Kris is sitting infrot of me and yet I just can’t help, but wonder if it all this is true or not. People’s looks constantly changes over time, but who they are tend to stay the same.” Taking another gulp of the sake she shook her head and pointed at herself. “Look at me for example. I look different, but inside I’m almost the same as before. I always put on a mask that I’m this tough person and there’s nothing that can knock me down, but inside I’m not that strong. It’s all an illusion. A wall I built for myself. I say I don’t care and that things don’t get to me, but they do. I hate hurting others. I hate getting hurt. I hate unpredictable things. I hate bugs still.”

Kris can’t help, but smile when Victoria pouted as she talked about bugs. “It’s cute that you are still scared of bugs. I can protect you when summer comes and all the bugs are out on vacation.” Kris chuckled as Victoria made a scared face thinking of all the bugs she’d have to encounter.

“You know, I’m the same at times too. It’s just that now that I’m older, I know how to control my emotions better. I know that aggressive actions don’t always get results. If I want someone to understand me I have to have to tell them how I feel. Just like how I told you I love you. “

“In the past, you have only told me you love me once, in a serious tone. I knew at that moment that those words were the same type of love that I felt. But that was only once.” Victoria fidgets her fingers, nervous as to how Kris might react to her next statement. “Sitting here with you now it makes me feel slightly awkward and uncomfortable when you say those words so many times. It felt weird when you said it once back then, but now it feels even weirder hearing it so often throughout our conversation. You say it so nonchalantly as if it’s the most natural thing to say.”

“Well get used to it,” Kris smirked. “Why shouldn’t I say it when I feel it? It’s the truth, is it not? Just accept it. It’s natural. I love you and I can’t help, but want to say it to you all the time.”

“…but…”

“But nothing,” Kris interrupted Victoria. “I’m saying what I feel for all the years I couldn’t say it. I’m saying it because I feel it every time I look at you. You can’t stop me from expressing my feelings.”

Victoria sighs. She knows it’s the truth, but to hear it so often makes her feel uncomfortable. Why can’t he understand that? She’s still trying to get use to having them both back in her life again. “I know I can’t stop you from saying what you want to say or feeling what you feel, but I just hope you wouldn’t say it so often. I’m still getting use to this new you and all.”

“Fine” Kris pouted. “Maybe I came about this the wrong way. I just felt like I wanted to do something different from my younger self. I was always afraid to say things back then. I just didn’t want to let you go this time without saying all I want to say.”

“But I’m not going anywhere.”

“You say that, but who really knows. You can just get up and run out of my life again and I can’t really do much to stop you. You aren’t mine for me to stop.”

“I won’t run.”

Kris looked at Victoria and shrugged his shoulders, “who knows. Let’s just change the subject. I don’t like talking about this too much.” Kris hated how he could be so easily affected by her words. Her words always gave him some sort of hope, but at the same time put fear in him. He won’t ever let her go, but she isn’t his to keep.

Changing the subject to a lighter conversation they continued to laugh and catch up on the past few 10 years they’ve missed and before they knew it, it was almost mid-night. Knowing they had to part, a part of him didn’t want to let her go. Without thinking he asked her for a hug, but didn’t let go once she was in his arms. “Want to come to my place?” He asked without much thought. He was scared that she wouldn’t want to see him again.

Looking up at him she gave him a sympathy smile. Before she could answer him, he continued. “I was just joking.” He smiled at her and released her from his arms. “I’ll walk you to your car.” Victoria nodded her head and agreed. Walking to the car they joked a few more times before it was time for her to leave.

Waving goodbye to her while she drove off made his heart ache. He knew they’d get to see each other again because he asked her to go out for lunch tomorrow, but even knowing this didn’t make him happy. He’ll still have to wait almost 12 hours inorder to see her again. Why couldn’t time just go by faster?