What's the mistake?:

Key: Yup, thats really cool. lol not really.

Me: Whatever key, just shut up. *hits him*

Jonhyung: Don't tell Key to shut up!!!!!

Me: I just did!!!!!

Taemin: GUYS STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *shouts and cries*

Onew: Chicken?

Last time  I checked I was wanting to read a story not a group chat of people talking about God-only knows what.

Asian fanfics is for stories so why on earth are people making their stories like Chat boxes? Why can't you just say,

Key said, "Yup, that's really cool. Just kidding, not really." I scuffed and responded, "Whatever Key, just shut up." etc etc.

Also, don't use action... please do not use action to show what's going on in the story. Action meaning = ** // -- ~~ or whatever and using something like *hits you* or /slaps you and runs away/

So how do I fix these mistakes?:

But my story is based on them chatting like on msn; thats wonderful, continue writing. But i'm talking about people who's stories is about a girl liking key and then they fight. The story isn't in paragraphs it's in a form of a chat box. That my dear is not a story. Unless your story is about like SHINee and MSN (or I've seen SHINee and Facebook).

Some of my story has chat box in it though ...; You can make your story have chat boxes. Say your characters talk to each other on Skype or MSN or whatever you choose and use chat box to show who is saying what but you don't need to make your whole story about your characters chatting in a chat box. That's just annoying and boring, in my opinion.

Extra tips:

If your characters chat through chat boxes an easy way is to show what is above, "Key: " and then "Me:" etc. However another way to make it look a bit more proffessional would be:

"I logged onto my msn account and Key's name popped up on my broswer. He sent me, 'Yup, thats cool. lol not really.' I rolled my eyes and pulled my keyboard towards me and typed furiously back, 'Whatever Key, just shut up.'"

Etc. etc.