Chapter 2: I Am (Not) Hopeful

“What if I told you I can make your fantasies come true?”

“W-what?”

The thought still sends shivers to Himchan’s spine. No matter what time of the day he remembers that scene, he remembers it too vividly, too clearly, and the rush of emotions comes back as violently as it did back in the day. Himchan clearly remembers how that went down.

“I know you’ve always wanted this.”

An outstretched hand, and a sly smile, Himchan didn’t think it was a look or an image which suited the boy. Jepp Blackman was many things, he was consuming, addicting, but he was never… he was never… anything close to this. Stop. I might give in.

And he did. Carefully, slowly, placing his right hand on top of the other boy’s open palm - who in turn gripped it and took him for a spin as he tugged him quite quickly across the dance floor to the other side of the club. Himchan then came to a halt as Yongguk stepped inside a darkly lit room with him. The boy had an unearthly smile that sent shivers to Himchan’s spine. Biting his lower lip and cocking his head lightly, Yongguk eyed the man and for the first time, Himchan felt pretty self conscious about himself.

“So…” Yongguk started, unable to contain his excitement.

“Yeah~?” Himchan mustered the best bedroom voice he could.

“Wait here, I… I have to do something first. Hold your horses, haha.”

Oh, damn straight I will.

Himchan who was now alone looked at the room. He didn’t think it would be quite quick. Well, it wasn’t really quick. He did spend months for this. But… is this really what he wants? Is this all he wants from the boy? He looked around again to his surroundings. There were couches in the room and a coffee table right smack in the middle. There was a door to right, which he assumed would be the bathroom. The sounds from the busy club did not emanate inside the room. It was a lot quieter in here, also a lot darker. Himchan wondered if the couch would be comfortable… or maybe Jepp was a coffee table kind of guy… maybe on the floor?

The dark haired boy shook his head at the ideas forming in his head. He denied the forming idea in his head that he wanted something more from the man, not just this. It also made him question his motivations and whether he has changed for a bit. Maybe, just maybe, he had changed… maybe he had improved?

The past few months have been very exciting for Himchan. He would come and see Jepp and the rest of the crew during the nights, performing with a horde of screaming fans on stage. Himchan would wait at the backstage, sometimes standing at the very front of the stage where Jepp stood, a spot specifically saved by Jepp himself so Himchan would have a better view of the performance. The rapping and the music will continue until dawn, and they will walk off with girls still in tow, until they lose them in the dark and unfamiliar streets. The rest of the morning will be spent in a convenience store, a friendly café where a young waitress will always give Jepp a huge discount or an extra cup of coffee, or at Maslo’s house where all the boys will chill until morning. At times, Himchan will catch Jepp catching sleep in the most opportune of times. He would smile at the sight and would voluntarily wrap the boy with his jacket. It was a fond feeling, a really warm and fond one, sometimes – it scared him.

So is this it? In this dark room, away from all the noise of the club, with Jepp. Himchan gulped. It made him wonder how the boy had seen him from the very start. Was he… a quick fix? A friendly… In a way, Himchan could not deny the fact that he felt a bit bad. He was – disappointed, maybe? But at what exactly?

From the many months that he had known the young man, he had been nothing but great. He was thoughtful, generous and really pleasant. Jepp would walk him home every time the crew decides to call it a day in the middle of the dawn. When the roads are still dark and the sun is yet to peek, the young man would walk with Himchan to his small apartment – quietly walking, but welcoming to all the chattering Himchan would propose, and always had something to talk about, and he would just smile, nod, and acknowledge that he was listening.

He would walk, keep quiet and stand by the door until Himchan goes in. No matter how many times he would ask him to come in and at least have a sip of something hot or cold, maybe even a bite of just about anything Himchan could put together, he would always politely refuse and walk off. Himchan noted that he had never walked the boy home, nor had he ever heard where he actually lived. Once, the visual asked him why he would always walk him home, Jepp would just answer that the night was dangerous, and Himchan seemed pretty easy to intimidate. Himchan would just smile sheepishly, not minding telling the other young man that he had been in more dangerous places, riskier circumstances – that the nights at the club were nothing but child’s play and that it was, in fact, Jepp, who was exposed to more danger by walking with him.

Himchan took a deep breath, looked around and sighed. He wasn’t… he wasn’t expecting this kind of outcome. It made him pretty excited but in retrospect, he felt pretty bad. He wondered, what will come after this? Will they stay the same? Will Jepp remain the pleasant young man who would offer him a cup of hot cocoa early in the mornings before the walk out of Maslo-hyung’s home? And… will Jepp still walk him home?

It’s not like I’m hoping or anything.

It’s not like I’m no longer playing.

So he channels his inner Himchanness once more and finds a perfect spot on a couch. He took his jacket off and thought of happy, less pure thoughts. Fixing his wife beater to make sure the right parts of his skin hung out in the open, but letting out one last sigh – thinking what will come out of it. Wondering why he isn’t happy. Wondering why, just why, now that he’s getting it – he seems unsatisfied.

At that moment, the door swings open, Jepp emerging from the club, evidently taken aback at Himchan.

That’s right, bask in my glory, little Jepp.

But he averts his eyes, looks back at him, and smirks,

“You look ready,”

Himchan felt like something hitched in his system.

I don’t think I’m ready for this.

- - -

Note: Hello! Sorry it took days although I promised it would be up in hours. It’s been quite hectic on my side of the world. Anyway, have you seen Mr. Idol? Bang, Himchan and Zelo were just downright adorable!