Chapter 5: I Am (Not) Confused

It felt like a new high. That one short introduction, at least, the feeling as if being introduced again for the first time released quite a new high for the man.

Bang Yongguk, he said his name was Bang Yongguk.

He felt pretty retarded and he wondered if the other man noticed it too. He had been doing it for over a week now or so. No, if he was more honest with himself – he had to say that he actually counted the days and it has been exactly fourteen days and seven hours since Jepp Blackman introduced himself to him. That introduction alone had made him feel better over the past few days. He had long forgotten about the frustration that he experienced since it was replaced with sheer joy and happiness. It was fourteen days and seven hours since he had introduced himself to him, and Himchan felt very privileged to have been introduced. To know his name was quite a big deal, to everybody else – he was Jepp, but to him, he was Yongguk. His Yongguk. And over those same fourteen days and seven hours – for every opportunity that presented itself and that he would readily grab – he would call him by his name – Bang Yongguk.

It rolled off of his tongue so sweetly, so nicely, he wondered why in the world would he even come up with something as Jepp Blackman. He later learned that it was because the man felt it had more impact. But come on, let’s be real now, Bang Yongguk, really? What other name could be more fitting and be more perfect?

Bang Yongguk, bless your mother and father for this wonderful name.

Also thank them for these wonderful genes, Bang Yongguk.

“Yongguk, did you order the lemonade? The bar guy was bugging me about it,” he casually pipes in,

“No, I haven’t even drank half,” the man raises his glass which was completely full, save for the two sips that he had. He only had lemonade, an a warmer one at that since he was set to perform in a few minutes.

“Yeah, I figured it wasn’t yours, Yongguk,” there he goes again with the name,

“You can just put it on my tab and take it,” he kindly offers with that dashing smile of his,

“That’s okay, Yongguk, I already had mine,”

He wished he could just say his name forever.

Over and over, “Yongguk, Yongguk!”

Like how he did in his lonesome.

The days have passed and that one name had become pretty significant, maybe far more than it should. Himchan had developed quite a habit of calling him out of nowhere, and the other responding just as quick. It made Himchan feel like he had a special place, knowing his name and all, it just rightfully showed that there was something about him, something about him that Yongguk found deserving of the privilege knowing his name. Dramatic, maybe. But it only meant that Yongguk saw him as more than a fan, a follower, but a friend. And a being a friend is good, if only to spark something even further.

A few more weeks into the life of the flawless Himchan, he found himself being more observant. There were days when Yongguk would just stare into space and scribble things into paper, there are days when he would smile to himself and write even further. He didn’t really understand whatever it was that he was doing, but he observed nonetheless and he enjoyed the way the other man seemed so secretive. Every piece he writes on, he folds neatly, tucking into his pockets and into a small book that he keeps in the depths of his bag.

Then there are days when he disappears into the darkness. Himchan wonders where he goes but dares not follow. But it happens ever so often that Himchan could no longer dismiss it as coincidence. It is happening, and the curiosity gets the best of him. So he goes and follows him one time, and he regrets it soon after. One night after his performance, he finds Yongguk walking off in haste. He turns away for a second and he finds him exiting the club quite stealthily. So like the curious man he was, he follows him off as he walks out and turns to the corner. He loses him for a bit and he wanders off into the alleys. For a minute there was a sense of panic - he then realized why Yongguk would insist of walking him home. So he heads to a corner speedily, and for the second time that day – he regrets the decision.

There he found Bang Yongguk, in a corner, standing there – with a man. They stood close, too close. There were a lot of questions in Himchan’s head, who was he, and why did the boy sneak out just to see him? The man was tall, looking crisp in his suit. He looked older and more mature than Yongguk, and… he looked far more superior than Himchan. At least from the way he stood – and that suit looked expensive. He couldn’t see his face, it was too dark and his back was turned. Yongguk on the other hand, had a sheepish expression on his face. He knows this face, it was this same shy and flattered face that the man always had whenever Himchan, himself, praised him. Why did he look like that? He wanted to punch his face in just to wipe that stupid expression off of his face. And then it happened.

Yongguk shifted from where he stood and the man held his hand, both his hands holding Yongguk’s. The younger man didn’t look startled at all. And at that point, Himchan felt something in him sink.

Who is he, and what is he to you?

He took a step back, he didn’t expect to step on something. Yongguk turned his eyes, shocked to see him standing there.

“Hi—Himchan?” And like a broken hearted teen, he runs away. He didn’t know what to think, he didn’t even know why he ran away. There were so many why’s but he didn’t mind them at all. Run, feet, run. He just didn’t know how to reconcile these feelings building up on him. That mental image of that man holding your hand, and you not even resisting. How do you explain that?

So he ran, he just didn’t expect him to run after him.

“Himchan!”

He catches up with him, grabbing his arm, and spinning him to face him.

Himchan forced back a tear that he felt was forming.

“Himchan, I—”

What now, Yongguk, what now?

“Himchan, please, don’t tell anyone,”

It felt like something died.

It felt like someone did.

It felt like he did.

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Note: Oh, hey! Early update! For all the warm comments which I can't reply to right now, here's an early update for you! <3