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Chapter 37

Key knew that Taemin was in the bathroom.  He always kept an eye on Taemin.  Always, even before when it was just that Taemin was always the youngest in the room and never had anyone else to talk to.  Now his eyes always just went to Taemin and he was just aware of where the other was because of the love that he had for the boy.  And he knew that Taemin had not left the bathroom. 

It hurt Key a bit that Taemin didn’t want to see him.  Taemin had been quiet for the last few days and even more so at this party.  They all had thought that Taemin would be so happy to see all of their friends again to be able to hang out with all of them and congratulate him on accomplishing so much.  But Taemin seemed more uncomfortable than anything else and the smile that he flashed while saying hi to the next person who approached didn’t quite meet his eyes. 

Key felt bad as he did it, but he thought that it had to be done.  He sighed and opened the door and pretended to leave the bathroom.  He let the door swing shut and bit his lip – waiting.  He didn’t have to wait long.

With a gasp that sounded like it had tore out of Taemin’s throat, the sobs poured out of the last stall, furthest away from the door. 

It felt like a hand had grabbed his heart and was squeezing it roughly, tugging it, trying to rip it out of his very chest.  He physically had to put out a hand against the wall to support himself as he felt the pain rack through him at the torment that he could hear coming from a young man, crying all alone in a bathroom stall, who was trying to hide his pain away from the rest of the world.

Taemin was a very private person, and he didn’t like to dump his problems onto other people.  He is the kind of person who would do everything that they could, even move the moon, if that it was he thought you needed for help.  He would quite literally give you the shirt off of his back, never minding how that would affect him.  But, in return, he would never ask for help, he didn’t like to have to depend on others and now he was stuck in a situation that didn’t allow him to hide his weaknesses, and where he had no choice but to depend on other people.  He hated it, and it was driving him crazy.    

Key shook his head, he should have known better than to think Taemin was ready for this already.  Even here at this party, he had to ask for help from Key.  Key remembered the furious blush that had covered Taemin’s pained face as he had to ask Key to find a chair for him.  Taemin had hated that he had to ask at all, so Key had tried to be subtle at supplying the chair, but the people there realized what was up.  It had seemed as though they had thought Taemin should be fine now, being out of the hospital for a month, he should be fine.  But Taemin needing the chair had crashed home to them that Taemin was not okay.  There was a definite shift in the party atmosphere towards Taemin.  They suddenly treated him as though he was a fragile piece of glass, even speaking more quietly to him, like you would to an invalid in a hospital bed.    

Key slowly approached the stall and hesitantly knocked.  “Taemin…sweetie, I know you’re in there…”

The sobbing suddenly hiccup-ed itself to a stop.  A violent, heaving intake of breath actually scared Key by its sheer volume.  But other than the sound of Taemin trying to stop or hide his cries, there was no response. 

“Taemin – please, say something…” Key was worried.

“Please go away…” Taemin said quietly, not trusting his own voice very much.

Key ignored the lurching in his chest at Taemin wanting him to leave, “Taemin, I’m not going anywhere.”  His voice was a bit firmer.

“Please Kibum, please…” Taemin rarely whined, at least not while meaning it, but he sure was now.

“Tae, do you want everyone to leave?  It was too soon right?  You weren’t ready for something like this.  I’m sorry, It’s my fault, I’m sorry.”

Now Taemin felt like an .  Key was blaming himself for Taemin’s reaction.  “No, it wasn’t…no, it’s not your fault…” 

He brought his legs down and stood up against the protesting cramps in his muscles.  Opening the stall door he saw Key, looking just as lost as he felt.  And Taemin’s overwrought emotions won out and he fell into Key’s arms beside himself. 

“I hate this!  I hate all of it!”  He cried, “How did I deserve this?!  I did nothing wrong!  I just want everything to go back to the way it was, I don’t feel like me anymore and I miss it.  I miss everything and I hate that I have to depend on everyone else.  Hell, I can’t even eat most of the food out there because it’s too spicy!  And they are my favorite foods…”

Like the doctors had warned, Taemin was suffering from frequent heartburn due to the trauma his stomach and digestive system had endured.  It was like salt in the wound, Taemin couldn’t even eat most of his comfort foods, because they would cause even more pain.

“I’m so sick of all of this.  I’m so tired all of the time.  I’m seventeen years old but I am going to bed at 9 o’clock at night, every night. And I can’t…I can’t…” Taemin was crying more than talking now as he unloaded everything he had been holding in, clutching at Key who arms were securely wrapped around him as he released everything. 

Taemin didn’t realize that Key was crying too.  Crying for the pain that Taemin was enduring and wishing with everything that he had that he could have switched places with Taemin, crying for the fact that he felt like he had to hide it, crying for the stress of the situation that they were having to face and knowing that they weren’t even halfway there yet.  All of the emotions that both of them had been holding back just poured out of them as they clung to each other, in that bathroom, and finally just let it all go.    

The door opened and both started, but it was Jonghyun.  Seeing both of his friends consumed by tears he just froze.  “Oh wow, um…are you guys alright?”

Taemin just turned his head away and continued crying into Key’s shirt, unable to stop the flow of emotion that had finally broken through the dam he had constructed against it and flooded him.  Key rubbed small circles on Taemin’s back and unsuccessfully tried to stem his own tears. 

Before anyone answered Jonghyun just smiled with an understanding look in his eyes, “I think the party is over.  I’ll go ask everyone to leave so you guys just hang out in here until they all clear out alright?”

Key nodded his thanks and found himself swaying slightly on the spot trying to calm Taemin down somewhat.  They remained that way for several minutes, Taemin still sniffling and the tears still falling, shifting slightly on their feet in the bathroom, and hiding their sorrow from the world. 

Jonghyun came back and announced that everyone had cleared out, and that they wished Taemin the best and hoped that he would be able to recover fully soon. 

Key helped Taemin out of the bathroom and back to their practice room, where streamers and half inflated balloons covered the floor.  Only SHINee remained, looking concerned for their maknae. 

“Taemin?  Key?  What just happened?” 

Okay - so the story is officially 40 chapters long with a small epilogue.  Wow - this story has been a lot of work and it really has helped me come to terms with what happened to my friend.  All these years have helped to give me perspective on all of it.  There were times that I found myself crying over my keyboard as I wrote out the parts that mirrored my friend's injuries.  My friend has read this, and he's finishing the rest of the story now before I upload the rest of it...he won't tell me what he thinks though. He says that he wants to read it all the way through first...argh, I just want to know what he thinks now! 

Oh - and for those who were interested in my attempt to teach in Korea.  Well, due to the epically slow nature of the U.S. Government it appears like I will not be able to get my paperwork together in time for this fall.  I was quite sad at first and irritated.  But I'm not letting that stop me.  I'm going to be applying in the Spring instead because there is no way that the government will take THAT LONG to get my paperwork back to me.