I'm sorry about the long wait - I really haven't been in much of a mood to write, and this chapter meandered a bit once I started writing, but I finally hammered this out for you guys.  I've also been outlining and actually writing portions of future chapters so those might come quicker than these last two have.  Also this maywell be the longest chapter to date...so enjoy.

Chapter 12

When Onew entered the room he found Jonghyun leaning against the dresser, arms folded almost protectively in front of him, his chin held hard against his chest and his eyes closed.  It was as though he was trying to block out the rest of the world.  He may look real self-assured to everyone else, but Onew knew just how insecure he really was.  His brash actions and overly loud responses are just a way for him to hide how he is really feeling from the rest of the world, and it usually worked – but not on the guys that have been with you through all of this incredible experience; you can’t hide from them.

“Jonghyun…” Onew started and the man’s head snapped up, not to look at Onew though, rather he stared defiantly at the wall at the back of the room, determinedly trying to ignore the situation entirely.       

Onew sighed and slumped his shoulders, suddenly looking beyond his years with the stress of being an idol and not only that, being the leader of a successful group like SHINee.  It took a lot of work to keep their group together, with as many mixed personalities as they had.  Onew approached Jonghyun quietly, though he knew that the other singer had heard him, and perched himself next to Jonghyun on the dresser, staring distantly at the same point on the wall.

“How about this then,” the SHINee leader began, “tell me about what you’re going through right now.  How are you feeling about all of this?  Where are you coming from?”  His eyes never left the wall in front of him, giving Jonghyun the opportunity to reveal everything without having to feel the judgment of another’s eyes on him, one that he knows sees things differently than he does. 

Jonghyun had clenched his jaw together the instant Onew had entered the room and he was determined not to look him in the eye.  Everything was so messed up!  So confusing that he didn’t know how he would react to the disappointment that he knew he would see in those unusually kind eyes.  He didn’t know whether he would scream or cry or what, and he didn’t want the other singer to see him like that.  Possibly because he wasn’t even sure himself where his feelings stood – he had no idea what to make of any of this new information that had so thrown him. 

Jonghyun sighed and pushed his hands, rather forcefully, through his already unkempt hair.  “It’s just…everything made sense before.  It all fell into its perfect little niche, and this does not fit.  It doesn’t fit what we have, it doesn’t fit SHINee…”  Jonghyun didn’t know how to word any of this.  He had spent the day wandering around Seoul rather than confront his group members and trying to think all of this through in his head – but he didn’t really get anywhere. 

“It was strange enough with it just being Taemin.  It was already going to be hard enough.  But Key too!  And he never told me, we’re best friends and he never even said a word!  And it’s just wrong!  How can two guys,” Jonghyun suppressed a shudder, “…do it?” 

Onew mentally winced.  He forgot that Jonghyun didn’t know that Taemin and Key were actually a couple.  Was he supposed to tell him, would that make him even angrier than he already was?  Still not looking at the other singer and keeping his voice as steady and mellow as possible, Onew responded, “Maybe he was afraid of how you would react to the news?  And maybe he had a reason seeing how you have reacted to Taemin.  Did you ever give him any reason to think that you would not be supportive?”

Jonghyun cringed.  Plenty of times, he wasn’t exactly a quiet sort around his friends, and they would all be well aware of his views and ideas, and Onew knew that already.  He, along with all of the other members, had heard Jonghyun’s opinion on gay people before after they had seen a homoual couple at one of their concerts.  It had repulsed him and he had made sure that all of their members had known. 

“Jonghyun, do you remember the first time we all met as a group?  You said that we were all a family now, and that we had to take care of each other since our families weren’t there.  And you and me, we promised ourselves that we would look after our dongsaengs…so what happened to that?  What happened to our being a family?”  Onew pressed.

Jonghyun almost felt like exploding, all the frustration of the day had remained locked up inside and was threatening to boil over at any moment.  Gritting his teeth, the singer replied, “They deliberately took actions that threaten our family, that threaten that safety and security that we tried to build.  They are choosing to take this group into a very scary place on a whim of fancy.”

“A whim of fancy?  You think that they have a choice?  How scared do you think they are?  They know what you think of people like them, anyone who has ever talked to you about that subject knows.  Any you’re not alone in thinking that way.  Most of the country probably agrees with you.  Even Minho, trying though he is, is not comfortable with it, and they are trying to keep things low-key around him.  Facing all of that, knowing that this was the world that they would have to exist in, they still found themselves in this situation.  If it was a choice on their part, do you think they would have taken the most difficult road, the one that would undoubtedly bring them pain and heartbreak from those around them?”  Onew shook his head, “This is no choice for them, and they are struggling to figure it out the same as you, and they know that most of the country would be against them.  I rather think that it’s brave of them.”

Jonghyun was starting to boil over, “Brave?!  You think that they’re brave?!  I think that they are stupid!  They aren’t the people that we thought they were; they have been hiding from us.  That is not bravery, that is cowardice!  They aren’t the people that we thought we knew Onew!”

“Really?  Are they somehow suddenly different people?  I haven’t noticed a change in their personalities.  They are the same Taemin and Key that they were last week before you knew about their uality.  If you care for them as much as you have said in the past, why should this matter?”

“They are deliberately acting in such a way that is going to get someone hurt!”

“How?!  How does this hurt anyone?!” Onew had started to raise his voice.  He was trying to be the calm collected leader, but his frustration was starting to get the better of him.

Jonghyun pressed his lips together and didn’t speak, but he clenched his fists so hard that his knuckles turned a bright white.  Onew almost swore that he could hear the muscles tightening. 

Onew took his silence as an answer and moved on.  “What is it that angers you so much?  The fact that they are gay or the fact that they didn’t tell you?” 

Jonghyun just walked forward and sat on the edge of Onew’s bed.  “I don’t know.  Both, neither…”  He heaved another frustrated sigh, “I’ve been told my entire life about how wrong it is to be homoual.  And then two of the people that I am closest to on this earth come out of the closet.  But I love them.  They are my brothers.”  Tears started to slip unrecognized from Jonghyun’s eyes, “My brain, my parents, my past – it’s all telling me that this is wrong, unacceptable.  But my heart says that they are still Taemin and Key, still the little mushroom-haired goofball and the fashionista.”  Jonghyun flashed a humorless smile and buried his face into his palms, as though by avoiding the world he could avoid the pain that this was causing him. 

Onew sat down next to his friend on the bed, trying to think of some way to comfort him and chide him at the same time.  But before he could open his mouth, Jonghyun continued, voice muffled by the hands pressed tightly over his face.

“My parents already hate the way I have to act as an idol…if they find out that anyone in this group in gay…and that I live knowingly with that, they will disown me.”  A sob wrenched its way out of Jonghyun’s throat.  He was every bit the filial son, and really did wish to respect his parents and his family.  He pulled his teary face up and looked at Onew, “Anything less than outright condemnation of those two would be seen as acceptance by my parents, and they would not speak to me again.”

When Onew tried to protest, Jonghyun shut him down.  “I know it sounds harsh, but my parents have actually had this conversation with me.  When our manager first started pushing all of the skinship between Key and I on TV.  They didn’t talk to me for a month and told me that that was the treatment I could expect if they ever thought that I was gay or condoned someone else being that way.  So what you asked earlier, who would get hurt?  Me.  I would, because no matter what, from this point on I am being asked to choose between my blood family and my SHINee family, and there is no common road anymore.” 

The pair was quiet for a moment.  Onew, digesting what Jonghyun had said, and Jonghyun caught in his own personal grief.  No matter what, somehow he would be hurt and hurt those he cared for.  Lose his friends or lose his family.  It was a horrible choice…and he was angry that he was suddenly being forced to make it.  He didn’t want to have to hurt anyone.  He loved these people, and he didn’t see a way that he could move forward and keep those relationships intact.

“Do you really think that they would take it that far?”  Onew asked quietly, eyes downcast. 

“I don’t honestly know, I mean I would hope not, but they would be angry beyond reason.”  Jonghyun suddenly sounded very tired, and he felt very heavy, like the weight of the world was slowly crushing down on his shoulders and everyone was watching him rather than lending a hand.

Onew gently patted Jonghyun on the back and sighed (which he seemed to be doing a lot of lately).  What the hell are we going to do?

This was a really intense chapter for me to write because it dredged up a lot of old memories that I don't think I had quite come to temrs with if the emotional rollarcoaster that I found myself on while revisiting is any indication.  When I originally set out to write this story, I did so with a friend of mine in mind, a friend who happened to be gay, and the drama that erupted in our group of friends as this all unfolded.  As I continue writing this story, I find myself attributing the behaviors and reasonings of the people in our friend group to the SHINee members.  In doing so, I think I am trying to humanize the topic and the people involved in an odd way, but I might be trying to find a closure for myself in all of this that I don't think I was trying for when I started writing several months ago.  I hope that I was able to really show Jonghyun's emotional conflict in this chapter, because Jonghyun is not a bad guy, he is just at a point where there is no way to avoid conflict and he is made that he is being forced to make that choice.  Seriously, who wants to make that choice?  Family or friends?  It is a hard choice to make, because either way, everyone invovled is going to be hurt. 

The story is only going to get even more instense from here on, so start preparing yourself for it.  I will tell you it is generally going to follow what happened to my friend, basically watch Taemin to find out his story. 

Thank you guys so much for all your reviews and encouragement, and please keep with me.  I know my updates are sporadic, but so is my life.  Thanks again!