Taemin was over at Key’s bedroom for once, playing through his accessories.

“What’s wrong? You seem quiet,” said Key.

“Aren’t I always quiet?” asked Taemin, going through Key’s many necklaces.

“Maybe with strangers, but not with me! You’re always going on about something!” chirped Key. “What happened? Did you get in a fight with Taeyeon? Get growled at in school? ”

“No,” said Taemin, slipping on a ring. “I just love you lots, Key hyung.”

“I know,” said Key, beaming at him. “I love you lots too.”

“I’d give up my happiness for you.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, talk about morbid!” laughed Key, pulling Taemin against him. “What’s brought this on?”

Taemin looked into those brown eyes that he knew so well. He remembered the first time he had looked into them, when Key had waltzed in and introduced himself brazenly. When he had sat on this bed for the first time and Key had made him feel a little bit happy by pulling out all these clothes. Their first date, the first time he had swam, the first time they had made love, the first time they had run away together, the first time they had fought. Every time, he would look into those brown eyes and they had always been right in front of him. He couldn’t turn his back on them and leave Key.

“Every time I look at you, it’s like the first time,” said Taemin.

“You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter, you are the best thing, that’s ever been MINE!” sang Key happily as he hugged Taemin.

Taemin smiled unwillingly against the fabric of Key’s shoulder.

“There, did I make you smile?” said Key. “Did I make your frown turn upside down?”

“You’re crazy,” said Taemin, rubbing his nose against Key’s shoulder affectionately.

“You’re crazier, monkey boy!” exclaimed Key. “Come on, jump! Jump with me! And let’s dance! You’re actually a really good dancer!”

Key held onto to Taemin’s arm, trying to haul him up as he jumped on his bed, but stopped when he couldn’t and Taemin refused to get up.

“What’s wrong?” asked Key again, slipping his arms around Taemin and falling down to sit next to him. “Something really bad must have happened. Tell me.”

“You won’t let me go, would you?” he asked.

“I won’t let you go,” said Key softly. “I won’t let you go.”

Taemin nestled into Key’s neck again, hugging Key tightly and shutting his eyes.

“I’ll hold you for as long as you want; I’ll be here for you forever.”

Taemin pictured his elderly grandparents, pictured his puppies, pictured Kai and his friends and Seoul.

Goodbye, he said to each image. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

“What’s wrong babe, you look so upset,” said Key. “Are you going to tell me?”

Taemin just clung onto Key tighter.

“Later then Taeminnie.., you’ll tell me later,” said Key when he realised he was not going to get an answer, and sensing Taemin didn’t want to talk about it.

They stayed like that for a few more minutes before Taemin pulled away, composing himself. “I need to go home and tell noona something,” he said. “You’ll come over tonight right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” said Key, kissing Taemin.

As Taemin walked home, he wondered if he was making the right decision. His heart was screaming at him to stay here, while his mind told him to go back to Korea, go back to help his grandparents, go back and get his identification card and join the military, all the things he knew he was going to do since he was little and what made him so happy.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave Key. He couldn’t leave Taeyeon.  It felt right to stay here. It was what he wanted, as much as he pained to admit it, because he still hated this place, hated certain parts of his life here.

Maybe they could have a long distance relationship.

But talking to a laptop was incomparable to being in Key’s arms, and that’s where he wanted to be. So… he should stay here.

He wanted to stay with Key.

“Noona,” he said to Taeyeon when he got home. “I want to stay here in America.”

Taeyeon was overjoyed, hugging Taemin and kissing his cheek, spinning them round and round. Taemin was so happy to see that Taeyeon wanted him to stay so badly.

“I’ll tell the lawyer when it’s their morning,” she said, hugging him tightly. “You’ve made me soo happy!”

Taemin was already curled up in bed when Key snuck into his dark room, which was reasonable since it was midnight because Key had been distracted by Youtube videos.

Thinking Taemin was asleep, Key got under the covers quietly and closed his eyes.

At first, Key didn’t notice Taemin’s breathing get heavier until it started hitching and he heard sniffling.

“Hey Tae, are you okay?” he whispered, leaning over Taemin. “What’s wrong?” Key asked, feeling confused. “Why are you crying?”

Key could do nothing it seemed but to hold Taemin as Taemin’s tears started up along with the hiccupping.

“Why are you crying?” he asked again, Taemin’s hair as the front of his shirt starting getting damp with tears.

Taemin tried to say something, but it came out as garbled Korean and only seemed to make Taemin start softly sobbing.

“Okay…it’ll be okay, I promise Taemin,” he whispered.

Taemin didn’t know how to say that he was in mourning again. This time it was for his old life that he would now never get back. Although he knew he had made the right choice, he still felt incredible sadness over letting go of the chance of getting what he had wished for ever since his family died and he was sent to this godforsaken place.

You don’t know how much I’m committed to you, was what he had tried to say.

“Don’t cry,” Key shushed him. “I’ll make it better I promise, I’ll fix whatever made you cry.”

As Taemin drifted off to sleep still hiccupping he didn’t know how to say that Key was the problem. He curled his hands into Key’s sides, suddenly remembering the ring he had slipped on in Key’s room that he had forgotten to take off.

Given the situation, it was oddly fitting. Key had definitely become his ball and chain now.

Key could tell something was making Taemin sad, and he didn’t know how to pry it out of him.

“You okay babe?’ he asked, their hands linked while they took the bus to their schools.

“I’m fine,” said Taemin, faking a smile. “Just a bit tired…”

“Wanna tell me what’s been bothering you?”

Taemin sighed heavily. “I just… feel depressed.”

Key looked concernedly at Taemin, who was worrying his lips. “Don’t forget I’m here whenever you want me,” said Key. “And you need to tell me everything. Open communication. What are you feeling right now?”

“I love you heaps,” blurted out Taemin, flinging his arms around Key. “You don’t know how much, you’ll never know how much.”

“I know Taeminnie,” said key hugging him back. “I know, because I love you even more.”

“Not possible,” scoffed Taemin. “No no no no. Oh, my stop. Bye hyung. Love you. See you after school.”

“Love you too,” said Key to a Taemin who looked defeated, who only gave a small smile.

“Taemin, eyes on the front of the class please.”

He glared at his maths teacher and rolled his eyes.

“And not with the attitude, thank you very much.”

Taemin was so.. sad. He couldn’t describe it. He was bitterly disappointed that he couldn’t go home, hurt that he couldn’t go home, sad that he couldn’t go home. But he couldn’t take it out on Key. He loved Key, he was staying for him, no matter what he had promised to tell him everything. But he couldn’t resist lashing out at those he didn’t care about. He just felt so angry and hopeless and he was so upset.

No, he had to stop attacking others. He had to stop hurting people he cared about. He needed to start taking responsibility.

He sighed and turned the page of the textbook. He hissed as the page cut his hand.

It stung heaps…but it felt sort of good…

No. No way. He would NOT self harm. He was not that sort of person.

But.. it hurt, yes. It didn’t feel good. But he felt a sparkle of excitement.. the burn was the best bit.

No. He was going into dangerous territory. What sort of person hurts himself?

But he wanted to try it again..

Maybe if he accidently got hurt?

That meant he had to get accidently hurt again first though…

A/N as you might imagine, I found internetz! Hooray! I couldn't for a week and it felt like a month, seriously. I can't go on FB or blogspot or Youtube and I'm already in mourning haha.

China has been so fun so far! I was on a tour through Shanghai and stayed in all these nice hotels and ate nice food, but now I'm staying in my grandparents apartment which is a lot more moderate and I have to say, that tour has spoiled me a bit.. :/ they treated us like V.I.Ps and rich people on the tour, here I'm just normal haha :/ and my favourite cousin has gone to England :( so sad :(

However I am l very, very looking forward to the shopping! (this sentence is murdering my brain. it doesn't seem right.  i'm looking forward very much to the shopping? for the shopping? I've been in China too long already. Can you believe i came first in english in my final year/senior year? oh well. *borat voice* I very excite for shop!)

seeing all your comments not wanting him to move away made me want to actually move him back to korea haha.

And I am working on a new short story. It's called Taebaby.Please go check it out!! I can't believe i didn't link it before :(

Happy Chinese New Year soon! :D