Key crouched beside the bed and brushed Taemin’s hair back from his forehead as he lay in the bed. Taemin chewed his lip, concentrating on breathing and trying to ignore his headache. After being beside himself, Key had given him some painkillers, but Taemin knew they would do little for the pain from experience.

Key wanted to ask Taemin if he was alright but he knew it would probably make his headache worse.  So he just settled for giving Taemin the little comfort he could offer. He was shocked when he saw tears seep from under Taemin’s lashes.

“What’s wrong? Does it hurt heaps?” asked Key.

“I want it to go away,” whispered Taemin. “I just want it to go away. I don’t know how to make it stop.”

“I don’t either baby,” said Key. “Maybe try to get some sleep.”

Taemin tried to imagine being pain free.  He imagined he was sleeping on a cloud. Just drifting far away from the place with Key lying right next to him.

Taemin looked up at Key, his brown eyes puddly and the pillow messing up his hair and a quivering pout and Key couldn’t resist. He looked so sad and broken and innocent. He lay down too and gave Taemin a hug, and Taemin snuggled into him.

Key hugged the soft and warm body closer, rubbing his cheek against the soft hair, the vanilla scent.

“You’re the first,” said Taemin as Key lay on his side next to him.

“Well, I knew you hadn’t slept with anyone before-“

“No. You’re the first person I have ever apologised to. Not my family. Not to my friends. Not to anyone. I’ve never said sorry before.”

Key didn’t know whether to feel happy or not.

“I thought being strong meant never saying sorry, never bowing down,” said Taemin.

 “You didn’t even know I said sorry too,” said Taemin. “ I said sorry yesterday when I ran without back without you. And that time we slept together because I kissed Lacey. That was the first time I have ever said sorry.”

“I’m happy Taemin. Thanks.”

Taemin reached out for Key to be held, liking the way Key always gave him butterfly kisses on his face, kissing him back.

Taemin broke the kiss to cough into his fist and sniffle.

“You’re not getting sick are you? Asked Key, pulling the covers over Taemin.

“I haven’t gotten sick in years,” brushed off Taemin, closing his eyes. “Hey Key. Want to hear about the story of when I got bullied and how I turned out like this? I haven’t told anyone, not even my best friend in Korea.”

“Sure,” said Key uncertainly.

“Have you ever heard of… wangdda?” whispered Taemin.

Key shook his head.

“Wangdda is the person in the class that everyone hates. Everyone picks on that person, and even if you don’t want to, you don’t help them because you’re going to be wangdda too. If you put up your hand when you’re a wangdda people laugh at you. No one wants to sit near you. The ringleaders of the teasing make you do stuff for them, like carry their bags. Everyone in the school knows your wangdda. And no one cares.”

“That’s horrible,” said Key angrily, already knowing where this was going. “That’s just cruel. What a bunch of spineless cowards.”

“When I was 8, I was wangdda,” continued Taemin. “The class bully was really good at math. He always was top of the class. But one day I came first, and I got awards and the teacher praised me heaps. He got really angry. He told everyone I had cheated, and would pick on me every single day.”

“Every morning when I opened my eyes I wanted to just die. I was already shy, and I hated going to school. I was so scared of going to school. Everything I did the class would laugh at me. When I read things out in class. When I dropped a pencil. Even when I did stuff right. But that wasn’t the worst. It was when the class bully and his friends would pick on me when teachers weren’t around. They would push me and throw my bag around. The bully thought I looked like a girl and kept teasing me about it. I’ve always been really skinny and he said it was because my family was too poor to afford food.  I cried every day. I told my teacher but she did nothing, because the boy was like a prodigy. She just said “if you’re nice to them, they’ll be nice to you.”

“But one day I got sick of it,” smiled Taemin bitterly. “I was ashamed that I was always reduced to this snivelling mess in the toilets, wiping my eyes raw with cheap toilet paper. I didn’t want to live like this. So I decided to be brave and be just like them back.”

“I decided to pick on the bully’s friends first. I would pour water and mud into their lockers and wet everything and got them in trouble for ruining their textbooks. I unscrewed their water bottles and opened their lunchboxes whenever they made me carry their bags and their food would go everywhere. I put one of their wallets in the others bag and you should have seen the fuss that happened afterwards.”

“One day the bully was sick, so it was just me and them. I went mental when they touched me, kicking and biting, doing whatever. I managed to beat them. I was really surprised when I did. I watched a lot of cartoons and so I pretended to be the baddie and yelled at them that if they ever touched me again I would do this again, and if they told anyone I would make their life hell.

“The bully was confused when he came back and no one wanted to pick on me with him.  When he tried to hit me, I went mental again, lashing out. He started crying and I started teasing him about being a girl, and told him that if he told then everyone would know he was a sissy crybaby tattletale. That I would do anything to destroy him. After that I was still wangdda in that no one would talk to me, but no one would approach me either. It felt incredible. They were all scared of me.”

“Then I met Kai, the principal’s nephew who thought I was wangdda, but told me he must be mistaken because no one picked on me and I was too cool. No one bothered me after that when Kai told everyone we were best friends and twins, and they actually started up to me. It was glorious.”

“And that’s the end. Why I have to be in control. I swear I will NEVER be that little boy again. No one will make me cry ever again, I won’t let them. I’m the one who controls my tears. I’m the one who makes myself happy or sad. I thought that was what strong meant. But you’re the only one… who makes me happy too.”

“Why didn’t you tell your family?” asked Key. “I’m sure they would have helped.”

“They never noticed anything was wrong. And I thought that if they didn’t notice anything was wrong with their son, who begged to stay home from school all the time, whose lunchbox always came back messy, whose things always got broken and “lost” so easily, that they didn’t deserve to know.  They didn’t care enough to think, to see. I always held a grudge against them for it. They weren’t there when I was upset. So they didn’t deserve to get my happiness which I earnt all by myself. I thought they owed me. So I did anything I wanted at home, getting really upset when I didn’t. But they let me. So I got spoilt too. So when everything goes out of my control, I can’t handle it and do anything to get it back again, even in tiny amounts.”

Taemin fell asleep shortly after finishing his story, leaving Key still softly his back, thinking about what he could do to make Taemin better.

Key woke up in the middle of the night to Taemin coughing. They weren’t just little coughs but deep chesty coughs that tore from Taemin’s throat whenever he tried to take a breath.

“You okay, kitty?” asked Key as Taemin groaned and sat up, feeling around for the glass of water next to him. He took a careful sip only to cough mid swallow and choke and cough at the same time as Key helplessly patted his back.

The next night Key knew Taemin got very little sleep, because when he wasn’t coughing up a lung, he was in the bathroom blowing his nose. He would only eat when Key forced him. And Key couldn’t even kiss him because he didn’t want to get sick himself.

“Babe, you’ve got a fever,” said Key two days later, feeling Taemin’s forehead. Taemin looked horrible, pale with flushed cheeks and undereye bags.

“I think I’m dying,” said Taemin, fumbling for his cigarette. He still had a lingering headache that still hadn’t melted away but was bearable. He sighed as he lit up and let the relaxing nicotine breathe into his system.

“You are definitely dying if you smoke those. Put that out!”

Key finished folding their clothes and quickly zipped up their suitcases and bags as Taemin huffed on the bed. His fever had gotten worse. His coughing had gotten worse, and he had started refusing to eat.

“Come on babe,” said Key, swinging up Taemin in his arms as Taemin whimpered.

“Where are we going?” asked Taemin, confused.

“We’re going home,” answered Key.

Taemin would have felt embarrassed to be carried like a princess if he was well, but he wasn’t, and in Key’s arms he felt comforted and warm.

“Why?” asked Taemin.

“Because you’re sick.  This was supposed to be a fun getaway, but it hasn’t really worked out, has it?”

“I’m sorry,” said Taemin miserably. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s good that you’ve learnt to say that. I have a feeling we’ll be saying it a lot when we get home," said Key, kissing his forehead and resting his lips there.

Taemin groaned at the thought and snuggled into Key as Key put him in the car.

“You’ve still got a week left though,” said the reception guy.

“My brother is sick, we need to go back home,” said Key, handing over the keys.

The guy gave him back some of his money after lecturing about a cancellation fee and stuff but Key didn’t really understand the point of a cancellation fee when all he had to do was backspace on his name in the computer, but he needed to get home.

He wasn’t looking forward to the drive home. What was he going to say to his parents? To Minho and Jonghyun? “Sorry, I just ran away with my underage boyfriend for a bit.  We all good?”

He started up the engine as Taemin slept in the passenger seat. Damn, it was starting to rain again.

It got dark really quickly because it was winter, and Key had to turn the headlights on.

Taemin stirred at the uncomfortable position he was sleeping in.

The first thing he saw was a windscreen.

Night.

Rain.

His heart sped up as he realised what was going to come after.

Dark.

Red.

Pain. Screaming.

“STOP!” he screamed. He felt like his heart was going to leap out of his chest.

“What the Taemin-“ yelled Key.

“GET ME OUT! STOP!” screeched Taemin.

“What? What’s wrong? What’s happening? I-“

“GET ME THE OUT OF THIS CAR!”

Taemin started fumbling with the car door. He needed to get out he needed to get out he needed to get out he couldn't go through this again he would die if he saw that red again he would scream if he smelt that burnt rubber smell again he would explode if he felt that pain again, inside and out, tearing him apart-

“Taemin you ing idiot, stop! I’m ing driving, are you serious?”

Key reached out an arm and tried batting Taemin’s hand from the door, yanking viciously, fear making him stronger.

“LET ME OUT, STOP IT!” Taemin screamed, struggling against the seatbelt and Key’s hand as Key switched his gaze from the road to Taemin frantically.

“We’re going to die, we’re going to die,” wailed Taemin as Key successfully wrangled him down with one arm.

“We’re not, what the are you on about?”

“Pull over. Pull over please Key please please pull over!”

“What the STOP IT!” screamed Key as Taemin started scrabbling for the steering wheel.

“We have to pull over, we have to,” babbled Taemin.

“Stop it!” screamed Key again, panicking as he slapped Taemin’s hands away.

He looked down for one second, he swore. He felt relieved that he had managed to swat Taemin’s hands away. He had just had the scare of his life. What was wrong with Taemin? He really was going to get them killed!

Then he heard shrill screaming from Taemin and he made the mistake of looking at Taemin first before looking back at the road. Only to feel the car bump unsteadily as it changed from driving on road to grass and heading quickly toward a road sign.

Key stomped on the brake hard but it was no use. He screamed as he heard an epic crash and he was jerked forward in his seat, the seatbelt cutting into him as it held him back from the impact.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god!” he repeated, hyperventilating. He was fine. He was fine. His heart was racing so hard it hurt, his ragged breathing hurting his lungs but he was okay.

He looked over to Taemin to see Taemin passed out, his body slumped awkwardly in the seat.

“Oh Taemin. Oh my god Taemin. Oh my life. Oh my god please,” he gasped as he unbuckled his car seat and reached out for Taemin. “Oh my life, my Taemin!"