3 months without the person you love is an incredibly long time of suffering and pain and longing and basically crying every night before sleep, slamming your fist against the wall and not waiting for the traffic light to turn green before crossing the road in hope that a car will knock you down, but I try to keep myself alive because she might come back.

She might come back to me.

I’ve grown a lot, changed a lot, and there’s nothing I want more than to have her back in my arms and cry, there’s nothing I want more than to bury my face in the crook of her neck and tell her I love you but she’s gone, and all my hopes just turn into glass and crash against the cold hard ground, broken fragments everywhere when I walk down the streets one day and find my best friend’s arms wrapped around her, the two of them sharing a hug in the middle of the busy street, under the soft moonlight, oblivious of everyone else except for the two of them.

It used to be me. It should be me.

But I lost it all.

I let go.

I left her.

We were going to get married, going to have kids, I promised her the world, I promised her my everything, I wanted to wake up with her in my arms every day.

It’s over.

Dayoung stays with me a lot, she’s always around, so if I say that I hate her it’d be a lie. She was there when everything was falling apart. Baro was there for Jinnie when everything fell apart.

How did things become like this?

It’s 1AM and I can’t sleep, I’m just starting to slip away when my phone vibrates repeatedly and BARO flashes on the screen. It takes a while to compose myself but I pick it up anyway, let myself be swept away with the wild thoughts of possible accidents that might have occurred, maybe Jinnie’s injured, maybe she decided to leave him and come back to me, maybe…

“Sandeul? Can we meet? I have something to tell you.”

It takes a while before I reply him but he doesn’t get impatient, he waits because he owes me for this and he knows it.

He stole my girl.

At least that’s what I’d like to tell myself, or I’d personally give myself hell for letting go of my girl. Reality . It really .

“Where?”

“Our usual place. I’m already here. See you soon, Sandeul ah.”

When he says my name it feels like everything is still the way it is, like nothing occurred, like he still watches with sad eyes when I’m kissing Jinnie, like he’s still telling me things like “I’ll take her away if you hurt her,” or maybe back to earlier times before Jinnie even appeared, when we were still young and wild and stupid and reckless.but most importantly the best of friends.

It takes a while to get dressed and freshen up but 30 minutes later I’m there anyway, in the park, and he’s there on the bench. He looks radiant, fresh, glowing with happiness and I remember looking into the mirror once and getting surprised at how happy and radiant I looked. That was when I had Jinnie, and when she left, she took everything with her.

Every single thing.

“Hey, deul.”

I want to grab him and punch him up, kill him, but then it’s not his fault. It’s mine.

“Baro.”

“Come sit down.”

I wonder if he’s brought Jinnie here too, I wonder if they’ve sat down on this bench like us now.

“What is it?”

Baro doesn’t really meet my gaze, opting to stare up at the night sky instead. “Me and her… we’re getting married.”

Just one second away from killing him, or the both of us.

“I didn’t propose. She asked me to marry her. We’re getting married this Saturday, and i… she… we both want you to come.”

There’s nothing I can say now.

We’re really over this time.

--

Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, tears streaming down my face because I’ve been dreaming about Sandeul again, and the guilt that engulfs me is almost overwhelming when I hear baro’s steady breathing behind me, one strong arm wrapped securely around my waist.

Our get-together kind of happened without words. He just came over one day and we got drunk and went to bed and I got addicted to how he tasted, addicted to him and he just moved in after we both decided it was too troublesome to have him drive back and forth everyday.

Jinyoung and Gongchan come around a lot, and everything feels the way it used to be. It’s hard to forget Sandeul, so I don’t even try, but it feels wrong when I still really love him.

I know I do.

He probably doesn’t love me anymore, not as much.

I’d never get back with Sandeul, it’d be too stupid of me. He cheated on me, he left me, I would never go back to him, so when the doctor congratulated me and told me I was pregnant everything came crushing down.

It can’t be baro’s baby, the timing didn’t match.

I told baro and told him to leave me, but all he did was say ‘great’ and take me in his arms, kissing my forehead, nose, lips, neck. “We’re going to have a pretty baby, do you think I’ll be a great daddy? I can’t wait.”

“It’s not your baby.”

“I know.”

I couldn’t stop the tears, I kissed him and told him to marry me.

So that’s where we are, in the church, my hand in his as he looks into my eyes and declares ‘I do’ loud and clear before we’re declared husband and wife and he kisses me like he has everything to give and nothing to lose, passionate and intense, and we only pull apart because everyone’s clearing their throats and humming in disapproval.

“Later,” He winks, pecking my cheek again.

I can’t hold the grin. “Later.”

The crowd’s a little too much for me to bear and I don’t see Sandeul so I make the excuse of having to go to the bathroom and slip out from the backdoor, and the sight of Sandeul hits me like a ing freight train as I stare at him, speechless and frozen.

He looks the same, maybe a little more tired looking, but still the same and my eyes drop.

What do I say? What do we say? Help us, what do we do?

“Hey,” He breaks the silence but I still can’t look at him, the weight of the ring on my finger pulling me down. “You look beautiful. I mean it. You’re so… flawless. You’re so beautiful.”

“Thanks, you look good yourself too.” I mumble in reply, glancing at his suit and bowtie. “Not bad, Lee Sandeul.”

“You know when you say my name it still feels like we’re still together and I can go over and kiss you any time, it takes a lot to remind myself that you’re not mine anymore.” He laughs, but even I can hear the pain in his voice and tears fill my eyes.

I can’t cry.

Not today.

Maybe later when baro is with me and he’s holding me, maybe then I’ll let everything out and he’d still understand because he’s such an angel. But then again, even if I try to hide it he’d still have his own way of knowing somehow because he understands me even better than myself.

“How’ve you been?”

“I’d say good, but I’m so done with lying. I miss you and I’m still trying to fix myself up, but this wedding doesn’t do much to help, to be honest,” I finally get the courage to look up at Sandeul as he blabbers, still slightly smiling. “I couldn’t watch the ring exchange, I’m sorry Jinnie.”

“It’s okay, I don’t blame you. Thanks for coming.”

“Can i… have one last dance?”

I want to ask him if he’s with Dayoung, but all I do is nod and the next second I’m in his arms, and we’re not even moving or dancing. He’s just hugging me really tightly and I can’t really breathe but I like this feeling, I miss it, but because of the ring on my ring finger I just close my eyes when he kisses my forehead.

“I’m gonna go now, Jinnie,” Sandeul caresses my cheek. “Just don’t forget that I’ll always have your back, and… be happy with him.”

Then he waves and walks away slowly, to the carpark, and when I feel like curling into a ball and screaming and crying and just escaping everything he appears.

I smell his cologne before I even see him, but all I can see is darkness because baro has my face against his chest as he rests his chin on my forehead, patting my back.

“It’s okay.”

“He doesn’t know he’s the father of my baby.” My voice is muffled and baro doesn’t help with my intention of not crying.

“I am, now, and you know you can always count on me.”

“How long have you been watching?”

It’s nice, I feel so much better now just with his presence.

“A while, I’ve been watching since he hugged you,” Baro admits, laughing. “I was kinda jealous when he kissed you, you know, but then I realized that I’ll be able to do that every single second now.”

I don’t wait before I tiptoe and press my lips against his, taking the kiss slow and sweet.

“Mrs Cha, I love you,” He whispers against my lips, gloved hands cupping my cheeks. "So stop breaking my heart."

I just hold him tighter.

Thank you for everything.

A/N ;

sorry for the lack of updates ive been so busy with school and T_T