When Luhan woke up in the hospital, his mother was there to tell him that his lover had died, and to hold him as he sobbed. Fighting back her own tears, she quietly pulled his head onto her shoulder and smoothed his hair as he cried, knowing all too well that the pain of Luhan's injuries were nothing compared to the misery he was feeling for his lost lover. 

The pain of losing a loved one is like no other. It reaches into your body; crawling under your skin and breaking your bones, gripping your heart with ice cold talon's so hard... that you just want it to stop beating. That is how Luhan felt. His body wracked by the pain of his grief. It devoured his energy and sanity. Day in and day out, Luhan lay on Minseok's side of the bed, his hand tucked under the mattress, wishing he had never thrown out the little box of razor blades that were once there. It had been two weeks since Minseok's death, and he spent every minute wishing he had died with him. 

Luhan's mother knocked on his door before letting herself in. Kneeling down beside his bed, she pulled his hand out from under the mattress, holding it between her own.

"Luhan, sweetie? Don't you think it's time to go pay your respects?" Luhan turned his face into the pillow. Luhan hadn't been able to go to the funeral. Not only did his injuries keep him away, but the thought of faces Minseok's parents as well. What if they blamed him for their son's death. Maybe they would be right.

"I have no right.", he said, his voice muffled by the pillow.

His mother pulled him up by the shoulders until he was sitting up. "You have every right. He loved you, and you loved him. No body can ever change that."

Luhan broke out into tears. "But,  it's my fault! It's my fault he is dead! I should have died instead!"

"No. No, honey. It's not your fault. It's not his fault either. Minseok died because of fear. Those boys were afraid of him... and you, and what you had. That fear led to anger." She wiped the tears from luhan's eyes. "They  took that anger out on you boys and it went too far. They will pay for their mistake in prison."

He pressed his fists to his eyes and yelled. "IIT'S NOT ENOUGH! THE SHOULD DIE TOO!" He choked on a sob. "They ing killed him."

She took his wrists and pulled them down. "I know you are angry, Baby. I know you are in pain. And even though it will fade with time, it will never go away."

Luhan pounded his chest with his fist. "But, it hurts so badly! It feels like I'm dying and I just want it to end!"

His mother shook her head. "But, you have to keep going. You have to live your life and try to be happy. Isn't that what Minseok would have wanted?" She stood up, pulling Luhan up as well. "Let's go see Minseok so you can tell him how much you loved him and reassure him that you will live a happy life. I don't think he would be able to rest in peace knowing that you are sad because of him."

~~~

   A small smile arched Luhan's lips as he looked at Minseok's crooked smile and big brown eyes. The picture was set in a silver frame, sitting in front of Minseok's urn, next to a pair of headphones and a small deer figurine.

"You look so happy there. I wonder what happened to make you smile like that." He wiped a tear away as it rolled down his cheek. "I wanted to see you smile like that all the time. I wanted to be the reason you smiled. I wanted to pay you back for all the love you gave me and the happiness you brought me." He ducked his head as tears fell from his eyes onto the floor. "I'll never, ever stop loving you, Minseok. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I thank you... for everything. I love you, always."

"He loved you too."

Luhan spun around. A woman with dark hair pulled back into a tight bun stood by the entrance. Her face was tired and she wore no makeup, but you could still see she was beautiful. Luhan could see right away where he got his looks from.

"You're Minseok's mom."

She nodded and walked over to stand in front of him. "I have to admit, I wasn't too happy when I found out that Minseok's "Deer" was another boy. I had always assumed that you were a girl. He would talk about how he wanted to move back to Korea to be close to his "Deer", his true love. I was worried that it was a one sided love and that he would be heartbroken.", she searched his tear filled eyes and smiled. "But, now I see that it wasn't. That makes it easier for me to send him to heaven, knowing that he was loved in return. Even if it was by another boy. Love is Love."

Luhan bowed his head to her. "Do you blame me for Minseok's death."

She sighed and looked away. "I did at first. But, I was angry and I needed someone to blame." She looked back at him. "It wasn't your fault, Luhan. Remember that."

He nodded and bit his lip.

"I have something for you.", she pulled a large envelope out of her bag and handed it to him.

"What's this?", he asked, turning it over in his hands. On the front was Minseok's address and the return address of a large record label.

"I opened it thinking Minseok had submitted some of his own music. But it is actually about you, so.. you should have it."

"Thank you.", he said, holding the envelope tight to his chest.

Minseok's mother smiled and reached up to touch his face lightly. "Thank you."

~~

Luhan went to the river and sat in the same spot they had that day. He pulled the envelope out of his bag and opened it. Inside there was a letter addressed to Minseok from one of the top record studeos in Korea. 

        Dear Mr. Kim,

        We would like to thank you for sending us the CD demo of Luhan. We would be delighted if he would be willing
        to meet with us and have a private audition. We felt that his voice and image would be a wonderful addition to 
        our familiy of artists. 
       
The rest of the letter blurred together as Luhan tried to understand what he was reading. When had this happened? Then he remembered how Minseok had stayed up all night working on his laptop that last night, and that he had gone for a "walk" early in the morning. Luhan pulled Minseok's laptop out of his bag. Even though he never used it, Luhan had kept it close to him because it was one of the few things he had left of Minseok. He opened it and waited impatiently for it to power up. In the middle of the screen sat a folder titled "Deer". Luhan clicked it open to see an mp3 file and all the pictures they had taken together. He opened the mp3 and heard his own voice, singing sweetly. He laughed and choked back a small sob, then he opened the pictures up into a slide show.

Images of him and Minseok smiling and laughing flitted slowley across the screen as the music played. Pictures of them enveloping Luhan's mom in a hug, Luhan sticking his tongue out at the camera while Minseok gave him bunny ears, a selca of them kissing. Luhan smiled and laughed as each new image came on the screen, tears rolling down his face. He wiped them away and nodded. "Thank you, Minseok. I'll do well at the audition. You just watch. I'll make you proud and live happily."