How do you tell her that what you feel for her is real and for all she knows everything is just part of a plan.
I woke up late than the usual. I've been up all night editing documents that I needed for the meeting today. I ran down the stairs and I saw her seated on the kitchen, having her cup of coffee. Her hair was a mess and you can tell at first glance that she didn't have enough sleep too. Her oversized white shirt and her short shorts, the messy long dark brown hair and the dissatisfied look from her lack of sleep and the bright sunshine that flooded the kitchen was to me the most perfect scene to see early in the morning, and it sure made me more than satisfied to face the demanding day ahead of me.
I aproached her and made me coffee, she smiled at me as she continued reading the daily paper. We don't talk that much, perhaps we both know too well that it would just end up awkwardly. I sat on the opposite side of the table from where she sat. I watched her read then she sensed that I was watching her but then she asked me if I wanted to read the paper too. I said no, but I really wanted to tell her instead that I was looking at her.
It has been three months since we've been in this situation. Because of a failed arranged marriage between my older sister and her older brother, our parents decided for themselves to try their fortune with us. As far as I remember, I too was dragged into this situation. I have been living a perfectly independent life and one day, my parents told me to move out from my own home and try to make things work out with my possible marriage candidate. I haven't met her personally prior to this arrangement, I just heard her name maybe twice with my conversation with my older sister. I think the same goes with her.
She now works as a research assistant on a university while working on her master's degree, while I work for my father's company.
Everyday, while having breakfast, I would always try to apologize.
For dragging her into this silly game. As far as I know, she didn't intend on being here.
But here we are, pretending that things are becoming better between the two of us. As days pass by, the more hope we give to our parents, and the harder for us to get out of this mess. Maybe both of us just wanted aproval nor to dismay our parents.
I remembered the first time I met her. When I saw her, she went way beyond my expectations. Daughter from a conglomerate family, who worked part-time to send herself to school earning two degrees, one in Biology and the other is on Anthroplogy. She was simple, unlike those introduced to me before who dressed like they weree in a high-fashion photoshoot. She was humble,it was only when I came to know more about her that I've known that she graduated top of her class. She wasn't picky and is outgoing. Once we were forced to show that there was progress between our relationship so we pretended to go out for a date. She ought to go food trippin on the streets rather than on fancy restaurants and go the the flee night market rather than shopping on high-end brands.
I was amazed that a person like her existed in our world. Down-to-earth, kind hearted, hard working, intelligent, optimistic, consistent with her principles. Unlike what I had expected from her to be a girl who only knows how to depend on her parents and wait to be engaged to secure a good future.
She once told me that way back when she was in highschool, she was not interested in the company and she always had known that she wasn't meant to be in that direction. It hit me, from when I was young I was told that the company was mine to inherit and my parents would often not recognize my sister's merit and up till today, I have lived doing what my parents told me to do.
And that is why I feel sorry for her. Stuck in here, where her wings were clipped.
Suzy's always sincere but I would always feel that somehow I've done her wrong. She'd often say that she's fine with the arrangement and is looking forward to it but I know that because of me, she'd end up unhappy. And as far as I know, she likes someone else and therefore I broke her heart.
But what can I do, she's the only person who made me ride the bus,
eat out on street tent stalls, who's alcohol tolerance is better than mine,
who'd manage to nagg at you because you forgot that there are two separate garbage bins for paper and plastic,
who cried because she can't watch Big Bang's concert because she had to have her thesis to defend,
who'd ask me to record the drama she would miss because she'll work late,
who's not afraid to sneeze infront of me, who's not concered whether she looked like a bum,
who'd smile at me for nothing,
who took care of me when I had contracted a cold and stayed up all night to check on me,
who took me to tree-planting,
made me run at a 5-k marathon because it was organized by their grad school,
the only person who remembered my birthday and bothered to make seaweed soup for me,
who's a girl who has eveyrthing but would haggle over a shirt she liked,
who went to Japan and went through alot of trouble just to get me a limited edition stuff that I've always wanted,
who was the only one to see how childish I am,
who can cook good real food that I would always want to go return home for dinner,
who would wear my shirt;walks infront of me and apologize to me that she didn't notice that it was mine,
who told me that I was a disgrace that I still haven't gone to the military,
who'd sneak around and take stolen picture of me for scrapbook purposes,
who's a self confessed nerd,
who can play basketball because her college ex-boyfriend was in the varsity team,
who accidentaly cut herself deep with broken glass but just laughed it off,
who was crazy enough to reject other love proposals because she's apparently engaged with me,
who was kind enough to do a blog post about me,
who forced me to get a new hair color telling me that I looked good in it, w
ho would not say anything but you'd immediately know what it meant,
who'd always say 'good morning' even if I didn't have any sleep,
who can keep me up awake at night,
who can make me smile by the thought of her alone,
who'd knock me down over and over again,
who taught me fact's of life outside the company's walls,
who made me see the world in a different light.
Despite all that it is that I've been feeling because of her, I am certain that she doesn't feel the same way as I do.
How do I explain to her that to me, this isn't a joke anymore. How do I tell her that all of this started wrong but I would like to make things right but wouldn't that make things even more complicated.
I am afraid that I would drive her away and what it is that we have now would be lost.
I am struggling for words to say because I am afraid that those words would drive her away.
Today is just another chapter in the story of our life, soon it would end but I know that I should find a way to start this all over again in a different light.
Suzy stood up and washed the dishes, I stood up beside her to wash mine. There we were, standing side by side, though it's slowly killing me, I would always find strength in her presence.
She wiped her hands on the towell hangging on the firdge, then she stood beside me again, I was surprised that she did, then took out her phone from her pocket.
"Myungsoo.", she said.
She leaned and smiled brightly.
It was then I realized when I heard the sound of the camera shutter.
"I just made an instagram account last night.", she simply said.
And I wonder how did I look at our first photograph together.
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