Dear Diary,

As the shows continue and the fan service we have to perform gets more and more intimate I am finding it progressively difficult to hide my feelings. I am not sure how he had not already figured it out. Can’t he feel my heart racing as he pulls me into a bear hug? Does he not also feel the electricity that rushes through my body at his slightest touch?

These reactions were difficult to hide, but they were only because of holding his hand and innocently “flirting.” Now I had a bigger problem; they wanted us to kiss.

“Just one little peck on the cheek, no big deal guys.” Our manager had said that to us as he told us our new request. He was right; it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I had kissed some of the other member’s cheeks as a simple, loving gesture before. This was different now though; this was with Kyu.

“Would you please relax Minnie, it is just an innocent kiss.” He said to me as we stood backstage before our performance.

We were singing a love song and our manager had instructed that Kyuhyun come over to me during his part and caress my face with his free hand. Then as he finished his part he was to lean in and kiss my cheek.

It was an innocent gesture that would make Kyuhyun shippers everywhere go wild.

“I’m not nervous.” I lied to him through gritted teeth.

Truth was I was nervous as all hell. My entire body was trembling at just the thought of his lips on my skin.

I was interrupted by a hand in mine and someone pulling me onto the stage in front of the audience.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this kiss was happening on a live show in front of an audience full of ELFs. This didn’t help my nerves; at all.

I moved my way across the stage, far away from Kyuhyun for the beginning of the song. I have the opening part and I begin, hoping that my nerves don’t come through my voice. I didn’t usually get nervous for performances anymore, but when we first debuted I had had to master hiding the shaking in my voice. I was hoping that I hadn’t forgotten how to do it.

My part finished and Donghae took over. Kyuhyun’s part was towards the end of the song, so I chanced a glance over at him. Bad idea. He was staring at me intently with questioning eyes. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me, like he was deeply contemplating something, but I found myself unable to break his gaze.

I was listening to the song, anxiously anticipating what was to come. I heard Eunhyuk finish his rap, saw Kyuhyung bring his microphone to his lips, heard him sing the first few lines of his part and then take a step towards me. He took another, then another, moving steadily closer to me while never breaking eye contact. I felt time slow down, saw him move towards me at an excruciatingly slow pace even though I knew he was walking at a normal speed. I heard my heart beating in my head, felt it pounding, trying to find its way out of my rib cage that kept it trapped.

A few more steps and he was standing in front of me. His free hand came up to cup my cheek and I instinctively leaned into his warm touch, my eyes closing at the sensation that brought me so much joy and pain at the same time.

I hear the fans start to scream at what we are doing, but it is only a dull roar in the background of the sound my heart beating furiously. I can feel everyone’s eyes on us and the attention makes me keep my eyes closed. I don’t think I want to see it happen.

Then I hear the dull roar of the crowd increase and my curiosity gets the best of me, I open my eyes. I open my eyes only to see the face of an angel inches from mine, and he is only moving closer and closer as he finishes the last few lines of his part. I know what is going to happen next, but what I am confused about is that he isn’t turning his head to kiss my cheek, but is coming directly at me.

 My heart starts beating faster (if that is even possible) as he keeps moving closer, but he still isn’t turning his head!

I shut my eyes tight, knowing that I am about to have my first kiss with a man that I have secretly been in love with for a long time. I heard the crowd getting louder until the screaming finally reached its as I felt something soft and warm rest slightly against mine. His lips were only against mine for the shortest period of time, but it was long enough to send a burning fire of need through my body. A need for more of the deliciousness that is his lips.

As soon as the song was over, as soon as the screaming died down, hell, as soon as I could move I ran off the stage and into the nearest bathroom, locking myself in stall as my emotions overcame me.

How could he do this to me? He was only supposed to kiss my cheek! That was what we had planned, but I guess the evil maknae had plans of his own.

Plans to kill me with his sweet torture that is!

My anger overcame me and I slammed my hand into the wall as the tears spilled over. He had just taken my first kiss, and it probably meant nothing to him. Well, it meant the world to me.

I heard the door to the bathroom open and close and I knew that I wasn’t alone anymore. I fought for control before flushing to toilet and leaving to stall to go wash my hands, only to find Eunhyuk leaning casually against the wall with his arms crossed across his chest. He was just watching me.

“Sungmin.” He calls out my name and puts out an arm to stop me as I try to escape.

I look up to meet his eyes, they are searching for an explanation, but also caring at the same time. He genuinely wanted to know what happened. I couldn’t help it. It was the way he looked at me and the way he said my name.

I broke.

The tears that I had shed earlier were still there and they easily fell while sobs escaped my lips. I felt his solid arms wrap around me and I rested my head against his chest. I let out everything that I had been fighting to hold in since Kyuhyun joined our group. All of the anger that I felt towards him for everything that he did to make me fall in love with him. All of the lust and all of the love. I let it out, I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore, I needed someone to share it with, someone to share the burden with. Eunhyuk let me do just that.

“Sungmin, are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Eunhyuk asked me as he lay on my bed with me that night.

He hadn’t left me alone since he found me and I was grateful for it. The last thing I wanted to do was be left alone and then have Kyuhyun come in.

“I-I do, b-but I’m afraid.” I tell him quietly. I wanted to share with him completely, but I couldn’t bear to tell him that I was gay, and that I was in love with one of our members.

“What are you so scared of? You can trust me, you know that.” He said, begging me to tell him.

“I’m afraid you won’t accept it.”

“Won’t accept what Sungmin? Would you just spill it already!!” He said getting impatient now.

“I-I’m gay.” I say, almost so quietly that he can’t hear it, but I know by his reaction that he did.

“Oh, is that it?”

“Well, no.”

“Do you like someone?” He raised an eyebrow now.

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“K-Kyuhyun.” His name came out in a barely audible whisper.

“Sungmin-hyung, there is nothing wrong with being gay. As for him, I know you two are close, and I know he cares a lot about you, but I don’t know what to tell you. I know that if you got together the rest of the members would support you. We are here for you, through thick and thin. We are more than band mates, we are family. Loving someone is supposed to be fun and wonderful, not painful.”

“I know, it’s just everything that he does, it kills me slowly with happiness. I don’t know how much of this skin ship I can take.” I admit my weakness to him.

“That was your first kiss wasn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, hyung. I promise you, you will have better kisses. Everybody’s first kiss .” He said in an attempt to comfort me.

“I wouldn’t change it for anything. I love him, I’ve wanted to kiss him for so long. I want to kiss him again.” I admitted and I felt a blush creep into my face as I thought about it. I touched my lips. I could still feel his against mine.

“You really love him. I can see it in your eyes.” He said with a realizing tone and I just nodded, my blush getting deeper.

“Well, I wish you the best of luck, but I need to go to bed. Donghae is probably waiting up for me, that silly fish.” He said and stood up to leave, just as he was about to be out the door I stopped him.

“Wait, Hyukie, are you?”

He just nodded and I smiled, glad to know that I wasn’t the only one in the group who was gay.

He left and then I was alone. I didn’t know where Kyuhyun was, but I needed some alone time. I needed to figure out how to deal with this. I couldn’t keep it inside anymore, I needed to confess.

I smiled at my realization and felt something new feel me. It was a certain peace that I hadn’t felt in a while. A peace at my decision.

I rolled over so that I was facing the wall, away from the empty bed behind me. I fell asleep with a smile on my face, little did I know that I would wake and find my reason for happiness gone; nowhere to be found.

A short update, but I feel this is my best chapter thus far :) Anyway, more drama next chapter!!