"Jessica ah... I'm going home now"

"why so early??"

" I wanted to surprise Doojoon and cook for him "

"Kiwie ah... are you still holding on to him? It's been more than a year that you've been doing all things for him and yet there's no declaration... Do he even look at you as his "girl friend".. wake up kiwie.. jebal! "

" Jessica ah.... I know you wanted the best for me. But Doojoon.... I really love him... He's the first thing that always running my mind when I open my eyes and the last when I close my eyes...."

" but you've been hurting so much... He got the best of you while you got nothing not even an appreciation...."

" at least I got him in my side right? "

" YA!! only know how to look at you when he need you..when it's convinient for him..."

"Sica......... he promise that even we don't have a relationship declaration, still I'm very special for him and I'm the only one.... Isn't it good enough? Not all relationship need to be declare.. right? "

"and you believe him??"

I hugged Jessica... "Sica... I love him....... I knew deep inside of him he do appreciate me.....He say so and I will believe"

I rush back to Doojoon's place. I wanted to cook for him and pack his stuffs before he leave for his holiday in their hometown.... I always do this for him. I feel happy when I'm the one who clean and pack his things.. I feel that I have me in his trip. ha ha ha.. I laugh by myself thinking about my sillyness...

Me and Doojoon been seeing ech other for more than a year. What is our relationship? I don't even have any idea... We act like a couple.. A happy couple... but we're not.. I always get down thinking of where I stand for him. But everytime I see him, everytime he's with me, I feel happy. I have this thing in my mind saying "It's ok...... as long as he's with me" 
We promised to be honest to each other. And I'm holding on his promise to me that he'll be honest to me and I'm the only one....

******

Kiwie.... She's the girl that been there for me through my hard times. She gave me all the best she could even I know I acted like an in most of the time. She patiently smile and listen to me. She's there for me in everything........ But I don't know how fool I can be to acted that way to her.  I think I'm so drunked cause of my past. It's not a reason.. It's an excuse! This girl devoted her life time effort and love for me... 

I took her for granted yes I did!  I left without saying a word to her. She waited for me... I didn't even respect her feelings even a bit.  I think I'm gonna be okay. I though I was okay without her. No more calls, no more text messages no more Kiwie Kim who bug me around... That's what I thought...

But even now, without a doubt, I can't get over it. I was okay for a week.. a month.. I was happy.. yes I was! I was drinking. I have girls around me. Foolish happiness! Now I know it's not true. I'm dissapointed of myself... Because of my craziness ranning back to my past I didn't see her in my present... because of my stupid pride thinking she will stay... I stray her away.

*********

" Noona someone is looking for you "

" who?"

" he says he's your friend "

"HE??"

Sungjin pointed to a man sitting in the corner of the cafe. He's using black shades and dark brown coat. I can't barely recognize him from behind cause of those plants .... I came to his seat and ....

" how did you know I'm working here? "

"I pleeded jessice so tell me... "

Jessica did told me that Doojoon wouldn't leave her apartment 'til she gave my working place location. I just didn't thought that this guy will come in this very second! 

" what do you want? "

" can we have a coffee now and talk? "

"I'm working Doojoon-ssi...... "

I walked leaving him.... He left half an hour later... And just the thought that he really left! Gosh he came back when I'm busy closing the cafe...

" so can we talk now? "

"Doojoon ah.. we have nothing to talk about.... "

" PLENTY!! "

" like what?? "

" like..... like... I miss you... "

I smirked when he said that.. is he crazy?? did he forget that he left without a trace.. not even a single text  saying "hey i'm leaving you douch!" and now he's here saying he misses me...

" are you drunk or something doojoon?? "

" I was drunk when I left you with no words... "

" and it took you this long to sober up?? tell me what liqour did you drink?? ha ha ha "
 

he suddenly pulled me in his hug...... 

" What can I do about something that already ended? I'm just regretting after like the stupid fool I am...  I can’t get out from the thoughts of you. It's  torturing me through the night... I need you back......"

"Doojoon ah....... don't be like this. we're over... you left me...... we're trough.... "

He hug he more tighter.... I can feel the hardnest for me to breath. Is it because of he hugging me so tight or this heart of mine is not functioning well because of all of this......

" can we press the reset? can we kiwie? just give me one more chance.......just one more chance..."

I look at him... I look at his eyes... This eyes, this face, this person.... he the one that I devoted myself for..... Tears start falling down from my eyes... No Doojoon.... but I don't know why I hug him back.. is it because I wanted to comfort his feeling saying it's okay things can't be reset or it is because I wanted to comfort my feeling by saying ~ Kiwie you can't fall again... you move on... you have a guy that loves you more than anything.... "

*********

I locked myself inside my room. My hyungs are calling me but I refuse to hear anything. This tears and this aching heart..... What Am I now for her? I wanted to be calm but I'm a guy who love a girl and seeing her with a guy hugging each other under the rain with me standing there wet not because of the rain but because of this tears... and I can't even do anything... My heart feels like it's been strike by lighting when I saw her hug him back... They are there standing hugging each other with me in the other corner again watching a same scene that happened few nights ago... Just this scene is more torturing! 

Even though I wanted to believe that that smile is only for me, that heart is trully just for me.. It probably isn't right? Seeing it, it hurts me more than yesterday.. I can't take this. Thinking so many thoughts that she might not be mine anymore if I open my eyes tomorrow kills me. I can't breath, my heart is breaking into pieces. As heavy the rain outside, my heart is more heavier....... Kiwie just look at me...... Just look at me....