Her eyes closed and her breathing slowed as I held her close. She was asleep, at 

last. But even in her sleep, the exhaustion did not seem to leave. The pain she buried in so deep was still nibbling at the edges of her heart.

Her body was limp and her eyes were still red rimmed. 

I miss her. I miss the girl she was, a mere few days ago. I miss the way the edges of turned up and the way joy radiated around her, from her voice to the spring in her step as she skipped ahead of us.

I hate her. I hate her hiding behind a mask of lies, and the constant pretense that she is fine. I hate her for putting herself beyond reach, and enclosing herself under the hurt that is swallowing her up, with her refusal to let anyone in. 

I am scared. Scared for her. That it would be too much for her, and she will fall apart. That she wouldn’t seek help but hurt herself. That she feels like she is alone and wants a way out. I am scared. I can’t lose her. 

All these thoughts threatened to release a torrent of tears.

I hugged her tighter. If I could, I would never let go. 

I still can see the image in my mind. She woke me up in the middle of the night, her eyes glassy and her voice cold, telling me that someone jumped off the roof of the building. 

Someone being one of us “sisters”. Kelsey. Our friend. 

Her face was whiter than it had ever been, and she was shaking, like a leaf that had been thrown off a tree.

I was beyond shocked, and mumbled incoherent words and sentences in a vain attempt to console her. 

She told me, in a voice that sounded nothing like hers, that she needed time alone to sort her thoughts out. 

I told her, as I tucked her in, to stay put in bed and not to do anything rash, before blowing a kiss on her forehead and leaving, closing the door noiselessly. 

I don’t remember much, everything went by in a blur.

People came and went. The sirens grew louder and faded.

Then everything was silent. 

Jess was asleep, at least she was pretending to be.

But everything was forever changed. 

I don’t understand this. I feel almost nothing, apart from the guilt of not feeling anything. Yet, Jessi has not been the same ever since then. Her silence is deafening, and I can’t hear the pain she feels every time her heart beats. I can tell from the dark circles under her eyes that she hasn’t been sleeping, but why won’t she confide in me, even about such a simple thing?

I am afraid there is more to all this than I see. She has shut herself in, behind a door that I lack the key to. I can’t even have the slightest glimpse of what’s going on within. 

Behind these doors, I know she is helplessly throwing herself against those walls, while all I can do is to knock and wait for her to open.

Jessi, I apologise that I am not of much help. But I miss you. And I love you. 

Don’t hurt yourself, okay?

You are stronger than anyone I know.

You will be alright.