When we reached the room, I plopped myself on the bed, yawning lazily.

“Why are you even awake at this time, night cat?” She asked as she pinched my cheek fondly.

“I couldn’t sleep,” I said softly, “I…wanted to kill myself.” 

The words came running out before I could hold them back.

My heart skipped a beat.

Oh god.

What had I just said?

It was too late for those words to be unsaid.

“I…” my voice trailed off.

I felt a jolt of alarm coursing through her.

Time seemed to come to a standstill.

Er Jie sat beside me on the bed, and for the first time she was at a loss for words.

“Did you…did you try?” Her voice was filled with fear.

“No. I’m sorry. For scaring you,” I choked out, “I am just…scared of what I would do to myself if nobody else knew.”

I could see her eyes that were b with tears.

She engulfed me in a hug, squeezing me as tight as she could.

“No one else knows?” 

“Kelly. She saw me…looking at…” the thought threatened to unleash a fountain of misery.

Unable to face Er Jie, I curled up in a ball, and let the hot tears drip down my face and onto my knees.

“Jess? Look at me,” her voice was warmer than it had ever been, “I love you, okay? Kelly and all the other sisters love you too.”

“I know that,” I lifted my head indignantly, “I know hurting myself will hurt you too. I don’t want to. But, I don’t even know why I feel this way. What if I lose control? I am scared. Of myself.”

I let out a shaky breath.

“Listen. Whenever you are upset, I don’t care if you wake me up or call me at 3am, I just want you to be out of harm’s way, okay?” Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. 

“Okay.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

“Good girl. Better?” A faint smile appeared on her face and she gathered me in her arms. 

“Mhm.”

As I nestled in her arms, it was almost as if the hug was holding me together.

Soon after, I must have slipped off into a dreamless sleep, for the next thing I felt was Er Jie gently putting a blanket over me.

In the very same bed now, the sun was rising in the distance.

The first rays of sunlight were seeping in, illuminating the room in a dreamy salmon pink.

Er Jie is my sunrise, the warm light that casts a rosy hue to my life. When I was struggling in the dark, I heard the promise of her voice. I opened the door;she let the light stream in, and enclosed me in reassurance and safety. 

“Er Jie?” I called out to her drowsily.

“Mhm?” She snuggled closer to me

“Thank you,” I whispered, “for everything.”