It's almost midnight. The whole day flew by in a blur, and now I am so exhausted but sleep just does not kick in. Kelly is asleep in her own bed tonight, slumped on her side while snoring softly. I lie flat on my back, staring hard at the ceiling, hoping that it would bring my tears back down. I am tired of living, perhaps I should just break down and give in.

I don’t even understand why I feel like this. Why can I be laughing wholeheartedly one minute, and burying myself in this depressing the next minute? I hate this. I hate myself for being unable to control my emotions and letting them control me. I hate being alive and not feeling as if I am living. 

There I go, sobbing in my pillow once more, just when I thought I had gotten over it. What am I trying to do now? 

My best?

Ha. There is no best in me, all that is left is bad. 

I want to hear Kelly’s voice calling out my name, or see her opening her arms for me to hide in. I want her to whisper in my ear, to tell me she is here. 

I want to wake her up, but I can’t. I just can’t. I know I'd feel better if she was by my side, but I don’t deserve it. I don’t.

The pain that is burning through me is beyond excruciating. I see those images flashing before my own eyes. No matter how I try to push them away, those sharp and jagged edges seem determined to push its way into my heart, tearing it apart. 

I remember the first time I found Kelsey up there on the roof, when she broke down and told me she wanted to die, and pleaded with me not to tell anyone else. I remember stupidly telling her that she will be fine, and I was always there if she needed me. 

I remember the time I woke up to find something terribly wrong, grasped the dreaded note on my bedside table, and tore it apart in my anguish. I remember rushing down the steps feeling as if I was floating, and that my heartbeat could stop any minute. I remember drifting through the wind like a ghost, unsure of where I was headed to but never stopping. I remember seeing the bloodied body from a distance, barely visible in the dim street lights, and running for my life as if I was that little girl in a haunted house once more. 

I somehow found my way back, and the next thing I felt was Kelly’s arms reaching for me, and I don’t even know how I got the ugly story out. I pushed her away, I remember, and then she was gone. I remember locking the door behind me and laying on my bed, wishing I would just die this way, having no tears left to shed. 

I walk out of the door now, never bothering to close it behind me. 

I walk, almost in a trance, to my final destination that was destined to be my destiny.

I am at peace. The tears are gone, so are the fears.

I can do this. 

I head up to the roof just as I hear the familiar creak of a door in the distance…