I know how she felt, at final last.

Which is probably too late.

I don’t know where she is, and I am not sure that I want to know.

I am so useless. I feel so helpless

I am drowning. In an indescribable emptiness. 

I didn’t know how to help her, and assumed that leaving her stranded would make her stronger.

I didn’t know how to help her, and it turns out I couldn’t help her, and now I’m becoming her.

What is there to do now?

I am drained. There is no way out of this maze I stuck myself in.

Where is she?

I need to find her, she is my only key.

Last night, I comforted her when she cried, at least I think I did.

She seemed to be better this morning.

I took that for granted.

How could a wound so deep heal in a single night?

She wanted to kill herself. Just last night.

I lied to myself that she would be fine.

I believed that lie. 

That I wasn’t there when she needed me the most.

That I fell asleep without knowing where she was.

I am so stupid.

I don’t want to imagine what Jessi went through.

I can’t believe I let her out of my sight.

I wish she just woke me up.

I wish I at least heard her cries.

I need her to be here now, even if she doesn’t need me.

I got up from the couch, my legs unsteady

I had to keep moving.

Is there even a right thing to do?

This is all wrong. 

I was in a daze, as I made my way back up, imagining that this was a mere dream, and she was in her bed, sleeping blissfully.

What am I even doing now? Hiding behind fantasy.

Lost in thought, I crashed into a suitcase.

It flew open and clothes strewn across the floor.

Er Jie was here, perhaps she would know what to do.

She was almost like a mother to us.

She was what we needed to get through this.

I made my way to her room.

I threw the door open.

I froze.

My legs gave way under me, no, it couldn’t be, could it?