Min Sunye had been Operations Director at Pyeonghwa Center for the Disabled for my entire tenure there. She once told me that getting married and having children was God's biggest blessing for her. And to return the blessing, you needed trade off, which differed from person to person. 

For Sunye, it was to stop pursuing her career for a while and missing out a few opportunities overseas. But she still managed to overtake the highest responsibility at Pyeonghwa after her kids grown up a bit. 

So in a way, she still got the best of both worlds - again, depending on your definition of “the best”.

I hadn't married to anyone - much less having kids - to justify Sunye's words.

Yet it wasn't an uncommon understanding that to step into that stage of life, you have to somehow let go a part of your selfish self. 

When you were single, you might choose to be independent from family but once you started building your own family, it would be a totally different story. 

Different mindset, different priorities, different approach should be set up, which would resulted in the decision of your whole life.

And for Yongsun, that's where she found herself tangled up while all of us thought she was already well prepared for it. 

Nearly a decade living together, going through the happiest and even the darkest moments in life so far made me think we knew each other well enough. 

But it wasn't like that.

We had never expected that Yongsun, of all people, became afraid of life after marriage just because she might not be able to juggle between her pre-marriage self and her upcoming role as a wife. 

She still wanted to do a lot with her job and her own pride, Solarsido. But at the same time, her family expected that she took up the image of a typical wife - serving her husband, taking care of household stuff, giving birth, raising kids and exuding the mature, elegant vibe of a married woman. 

All of that were not on Yongsun's top of mind when it came to accepting Eric's proposal. And even if Eric's family was cool with her lifestyle, the ongoing pressure from her family was still a huge burden.

This revelation was so overwhelming to me. It totally wiped away the confession from Taehyung earlier, which had been clouding my mind on the way home. 

   “I'm so selfish, right?”

Yongsun asked and looked at me with those swollen eyes after pouring all her concerns out. She must've tried so hard to suppress her fear, to the extent that she nearly succeeded in concealing us all if I hadn't come home at this hour.  

I threw my hands around her, pulled her into a hug. And my stupid self, instead of staying silent, began speaking before I could even realize.

   “Honestly you have the right to think for yourself, don't you think so? I mean, why trading off everything once you get married. Isn't it just unfair?”

Wow. A huge thanks to all the lessons about girl power from the tough girls around me.

   “I know. But judging from afar, it's too scary for me.” - Yongsun pulled a bitter smirk - “So much that no matter how much I love him, I just don't want to think of it happening to me.”

   “Then don't.” 

I snapped.

   “Don't. . . what?”

   “Don't think of it anymore. You can't lose Eric oppa like that.” - I gulped and continued my outburst of words - “Plus, he never opposed to anything you do.”

   “Are you worried that you guys will no longer get the perks from Eric if I give up on him?”

   “Unnie, that's not a proper joke.”

   “Alright alright.” - Yongsun held up her two hands surrendering - “Jung Wheein-ssi is being serious.”

   “Yes I'm serious, Kim Yongsun-ssi” - I pouted and took firm grips of her shoulders - “It might be difficult but you've got the Mamamoo girls to cheer you up. And don't you say in the description of Solarsido that you want to break the misconception and try stuff youve never tried? Then let's try not to make marriage some kind of vault for your happiness!”

Yongsun nodded in agreement as I sniffed, feeling as if I could've already sobbed for my motivational speech then.

   “But unnie, you shocked me. Don't you know?”

My honest and pathetic confession had Yongsun suddenly crack a laugh in between her tears. 

As if the usual Jung Wheein had finally made her comeback after being temporarily possessed by another undiscovered personality. 

She turned around to face me, reach out her hand to caress my cheeks.

   “Really?” 

She asked and I nodded continously.

   “Eung.”

   “I'm sorry.” - Yongsun quickly wiped her tears with the back of her other hand and tried to pull a bigger smile - “I shouldn't be like this.”

   “No unnie, I'm glad you told me. When you're weary, you can whine a little. We can't be strong all the time, right?”

I then hugged her once more and patted her gently on the back.

Except for those kinds of words and actions, I had no idea how to comfort her. Even a mentally strong person like Yongsun had her self-doubting moments.

I hate seeing people struggling. And I hate it even more that I couldn't do anything for them.

   “But unnie. . .” - I asked, head resting on her shoulder - “Even so, you still love Eric oppa, right?”

I could felt her nod as she murmured to my ears.

   “I've told you already.”

   “But how much is he aware of these thoughts?”

It was a shake of the head this time. Right, if I were her, I would even do the same, hiding such thoughts from Eric as it only caused tension between the two.

   “You will find a way somehow to get rid of it. . .” - I detached from her and looked at her eyes, reassuring.- “Doing something that you won't judge yourself when looking back.”

   “Thank you, Wheeinie.”

   “That's perhaps all I could do for you.” - I shrugged, randomly spinned an empty soju bottle on the table. - “You know, I at this relationship thing.”

My confession hit Yongsun with mixed expression on her face. 

As if she had never seen me struggle with building and maintaining relationship so far.

   “Geez, don't burden yourself with self-doubt.” - Yongsun playfully pinched my nose tip. - “I can see you're making progress.”

   “Am I?”

   “Eung.” - She nodded casually. - “You're spending less time at home. I don't mean it's a bad thing or such but I'm glad you've got new people to hang out with instead of just us or even Hyojin. And I assume it has something to do with your determination for a change. Right?”

Suddenly the conversation diverted to me without any foreseeing. 

And suddenly, the thought of Taehyung's confession came back to my mind. 

If having new people, including Taehyung, to hang out with was my improvement in Yongsun's view, how about leveling up our relationship?

   “But unnie, what if an already good friend said that he wanted to go further with our relationship but I honestly don't feel like it right now? Is it selfish of me to keep on receiving good tokens from him?”

○●○

I plopped onto my bed, feeling all drained out for using up my energy and emotion capacity at the talk with Yongsun. 

Hyejin wasn't home today - who the hell even get married on Christmas Day and have my roommate to leave early for it? - so I had the whole room for my at the moment. 

Turning on my phone, I decided to get immersed in working mode instead of bothering myself with thoughts about relationship.

I opened the mailbox, only to find my mouth go agape. Right there, as the latest item in the inbox was a forwarded email from Kang Seulgi, titled RESIGNATION LETTER.

   “Unnie, why now?”

I literally shouted to my phone as soon as Seulgi picked up. It was only 5am but never mind, the mail had just arrived a few minutes ago. 

From the other side, Seulgi growled in response.

   “You're too loud, Jung Wheein.”

   “I gotta be.” - I snapped - “Are you sure you were conscious sending that?”

   “Are you going to complain that” - She was clearly chuckling into my ears - “It hasn't been 24 hours since the incident and taking action at this time might result in negative outcome? No Wheein ah, it's not impulsive at all. I've made up my mind.”