The school gymnasium is bustling. There are girls in dresses and boys in suits. Gone are the jeans, t-shirts, sweat pants, and sneakers. Everyone has made an effort, and that’s what really matters. There’s a DJ in the back, spinning some pop music, and everyone’s having a good time. I look over at Sooyoung, who’s eating her third slice of cake.

“You could have gotten one for me, you know?”

Sooyoung glances over at me and grins. “Yoona, I know we’re food buddies, but you were the last thing that was on my mind when I saw this slice of heaven.”

Min Kyung, who’s sitting to the left of her teases, “That’s all fat, sugar and carbs. You know that, right?”

Sooyoung shrugs. “I have the metabolism of a shark.”

“You eat like one too,” Min Kyung replies.

“If a shark ate cake and hamburgers,” I add. Min Kyung and I share a laugh. Sooyoung happily eats away at her cake.

The gymnasium is dim, but it’s bright enough for me to steal a glance over at Seohyun who is two tables to the right of us. As always, she’s sitting with perfect posture, but she looks lost in thought. When she’s thinking her face is expressionless, but her eyes have a spark to them as they stare out at the world.

As always I feel my heart yearning for her. I don’t want to look away, but I turn away nonetheless.

I remember the recruitment party that we were at yesterday. She had told me that I helped shape her into who she is today, that I was her biggest supporter, and that was why I was one of her three greatest influences. I knew there had to be more. Joseph said that what she wrote was different, and that it had been special, but what was it? Either way, I am happy reflecting on the evening, and how it all turned out in the end. Sometimes you do have to put yourself out there. Joseph told me to call him, and to return the dress he lent me when I have time. I would need to thank his niece, Yuri, if I ever meet her.

“Hey Yoona, do you want to dance?”

I turn to back to the table and see one of Nichkhun’s friends, Chansung, standing at the other end of our table. Everyone’s watching me, waiting for my answer. “Sorry, I’m just hanging out with my girls; Maybe another time.”

Chansung hangs his head and turns to leave without another word. I feel guilty, but he’s one of many that I turned away today. I’m not interested. Min Kyung gives me a look. She’s been doing that a lot lately.

“What?” I ask.

“That’s the fifth guy you rejected today.”

“And?”

“And I’m really curious as to who exactly you will dance with.”

“I’m here to have fun.”

Min Kyung nods.

I know she means well most of the time, but her curiosity to know everything about everyone is what worries me.

Sooyoung’s date, Jungshin, is sitting at Yonghwa’s table. I figure it’s worth a shot to drag her away from her cake so I could have an excuse to see Seohyun, and ask her for a dance. “Sooyoung, I think it’s about time you actually talked to your date, don’t you?”

She’s politely chewing away at her food. There’s not much left. “I guess I should do that, shouldn’t I?”

“I’m starting to think you like that cake more than him,” Min Kyung teases.

Sooyoung grins. “I do.”

Sooyoung finishes the last few bites of her cake, and wipes with a napkin. She checks herself out in a hand mirror before she gets up. I follow her lead and glance over in Seohyun’s direction before we head over. This time, Seohyun’s staring back at me. It catches me off guard, but it’s a pleasant surprise. I wave. She smiles brightly, and waves back. Sooyoung leads the way. Min Kyung insists on joining us to dance, and she drags her date, Myungsoo, along with her.

When we get to the table, I see Seohyun lecturing Yonghwa with a stern face. For some odd reason, he’s wearing her black silk headband. He looks like a child, and Seohyun’s the mother. Unfortunately, I know Seohyun’s fond of immature antics; after all she’s best friends with me. Seohyun likes her chodings.

Sooyoung goes off to talk to Jungshin, and Min Kyung is chatting with some of Yonghwa’s other friends. She’s always the social butterfly. That leaves me to approach the two of them alone.

“Hey Seohyun, want to dance with me and the girls?”

Yonghwa looks at me with slight irritation as I interrupt. I glare back at him like I had done so many months ago at the movies. He stares back, his intent completely unknown, but he doesn’t blink. Does he know I like her? It’s then that Seohyun quickly snatches her headband back from his head. She hastily puts it back on. Yonghwa playfully tries to snatch it back, but she quickly pushes him aside. Yonghwa exaggerates a reaction of surprise at her sudden pushiness, which causes Seohyun to smile. She gets up from her table, giving her date a playful but menacing stare.

Looking back at me, she replies, “I’d love to.” She gets up and leaves Yonghwa behind with a smile. We walk over to Sooyoung, but before we get to her, Seohyun nudges me. “I’m glad you came.”

“I’m glad I came too.”

We greet Jungshin, and he bows politely at the two of us. He confesses that he isn’t all that interested in the prospect of dancing. Coincidentally, he explains that he doesn’t like sticking out from the crowd because of his height, and he claims to have two left feet. I shift my eyes over to the dance floor. I wouldn’t call any of what our classmates are doing ‘dancing,’ but I don’t bother to make a comment. So it’s the three of us. Min Kyung runs off with her date to save us a spot on the dance floor.

The DJ spins a new song, and we head over after Sooyoung and Seohyun exchange some pleasantries. Sooyoung and I start moving to the music. We’ve always been a little quirky, and dancing was a way for us to relieve stress. Seohyun’s moving well with the music, though she occasionally elbows me from time-to-time. Pretty soon, we get lost in the music. Song after song passes. We all start loosening up.

Eventually, Sooyoung starts Korean folk dancing by moving her arms up and down with open palms to the music. I join her, and we both crack-up after a few seconds. Seohyun joins in too. She folk dances surprisingly well.

That’s when the DJ spins a bass-banging, hip-hop song. Sooyoung immediately changes her dance, and her expression to give me some attitude. She flicks her fingers in the air and pushes me and Seohyun aside like she’s trying to battle. She’s channelling her inner Beyoncé. I’m all too happy to match her. Seohyun tries to join in, but I can tell she’s shy being this aggressive. Sooyoung cracks up watching Seohyun’s awkwardness. I try to make it more awkward. We laugh. We stop once the song’s over. Tired, we go back to dancing more casually as it switches back to pop music.

Min Kyung joins us by herself. She tells us that Myungsoo went to go talk with some friends. It’s fun to be here with friends, to move around, and not really think about anything at all.

Suddenly, the lights dim all around us, and the DJ talks into the speaker system asking all the couples to come to the dance floor. It’s almost time for the last dance.

I spot Yonghwa getting up from his seat, and I know he’s coming to be with her. Seohyun is looking at me. I can see her from the corner of my eye. I remain expressionless. I don’t want to show her that I’m bothered by any of it. We’re best friends, and I should be happy that she has a date to dance with. Still, I am bitter. Bitter that it’s not me that she’ll be dancing with.

He walks up to Seohyun and offers his hand. “May I have this dance, Seohyun?”

Seohyun’s not looking at me anymore. She’s looking at him.

“Sure.”

I feel my eye twitch.

I watch as he takes her hand, and they walk away from me. Seohyun turns back briefly, but she doesn’t seem to know what to say. Jungshin shows up, and so does Myungsoo. All of my girls have their dates. I don’t. I walk off the dance floor, realizing that this wasn’t my time to shine. I am envious, and all I can think about is how Yonghwa will have his moment with Seohyun. It’s a nauseating thought.

Someone calls to me.

“Hey Yoona, do you want to dance with me?”

It’s Nichkhun, and I’m slightly upset.

“Don’t you have a date?”

I look over at his table where Yu Jin is sitting alone. She’s pretty, too pretty to be watching from the sidelines. “You should dance with her. She’s your date.”

“Just one dance,” he replies.

I know how he feels towards me, but I can’t reciprocate his feelings. Is that how it is for Seohyun and me? “Sorry, Khun. It doesn’t feel right.”

He nods, and walks back to his table. Unlike Chansung, he keeps his head up, and I’m glad that he handles it so well – at least on the outside.

I make a bee-line to the banquet table to get a slice of cake to ease my emotional suffering. Cake is the solution to all of life’s problems. The music starts playing as I get a slice of the Blueberry Cheesecake that’s almost all but gone. I roll my eyes at the sappy lines as they invade my ears. Most of the tables are empty, save for a few lonely looking souls, and I was one of them. I sit down in my seat and stare out at the dance floor. It’s dark, but the lights are shining all on the couples.

My eyes immediately fix onto the object of my affection. Seohyun looks too good to be with Yonghwa. I’m not the fairest judge, but she glows as he grins. Who was I to claim I was any better? There’s no denying that they seem happy. Then I notice his hands are on her hips, and I nearly stab the table with my fork.

I’m angry, but I tell myself to calm down. It’s okay; this is what he gets as her date. All the other girls start to rest their heads onto their partner’s shoulders, and pretty soon Seohyun’s the only one who isn’t doing it.

I pray that she doesn’t notice. The girl’s too smart to cave into peer pressure, right? Wrong. I watch as she rests her head on his shoulder. They’re rocking back-and-forth. I can’t take this. I’m in too much shock to even know what to think. Seohyun is the type of girl that would be a good date for any guy that she was with. Maybe this is her being nice. I start coming up with my own conclusions, but none of them are answers that make me feel any better.

The thought occurs to me that I could simply not look. It’d be easy for me to switch chairs and avoid this self-inflicted torture. Unfortunately, I can’t help but watch. It’s like those fail blogs, or really messed up gifs that you see online. You know you probably shouldn’t keep looking at them, but you just can’t turn away. For a brief second, my envy gets the better of me, and I imagine what it would be like to be in Yonghwa’s position. I’m jealous. Jealous that he’s a man, and that this is normal. Even if Seohyun did like me, would people be okay seeing two girls like us slow dance?

The song ends and the couples break apart and clap. I thank my lucky stars that it’s finished, but the DJ tells them to say. He starts playing another song. It’s in English. The tune is soft, melodic, and catchy at first. Then I hear the first two words that are definitely within my English vocabulary.

“Kiss me.”

There’s no way, no way Yonghwa would have the balls to do that. I’m sure he wouldn’t. It’s not like everyone else was making out on the dance floor. Then I see it. One couple is brave enough to share a kiss, then another.

But Seohyun and Yonghwa weren’t a couple. They were going as friends.

It’s then that I see them looking at each other. Their eyes don’t leave the other. I watch as Yonghwa stops in his spot, and leans forward. Seohyun doesn’t react, even though he comes at her slowly. He kisses her.

I stop breathing, and my heart stops beating. Then I feel it beat again, as agonizing pain tugs away at it. It’s pulling my heart in all sorts of directions. My mind is trying to make sense of this pain, to find ways of making me feel better, but there is no remedy. I breath again, but only because I find myself trying to make sense of my feelings. I look away from the source of my trauma – the boy that I despise, and the girl that I love - and get the impression that other people are looking at me. It’s dark, and there’s no way that they can see my expression. I feel vulnerable. My defences are slipping. That’s when my vision blurs. I rub my eye and feel moisture, and I know what’s coming. I head for the door.

I go straight to the coat-check. The parent volunteer is looking at me, and I can tell from his expression of worry that I can’t hide my feelings behind my beauty or my smile. I give him my coat ticket, and he heads back to grab my coat. I try my hardest to hold my tears back. It’s embarrassing to cry in public.

He comes back with a long black jacket, and hands it to me. I turn away from him so he can’t look at me, and I put it on. Checking my phone, I text Tiffany to see if she’s almost here. Her reply is quick. She’s already waiting in the parking lot for me, but she tells me to take my time. I let her know that I want to go home early.

Leaving the blaring music behind me, I leave through the gym doors. I rub my eyes again, to catch some of the tears. No one’s watching, it’s safe to cry, but I refuse to feel weak, to feel cowardice or sadness. This isn’t how I’m supposed to feel, not today, not ever. I’m confident, I’m strong, and that’s what I tell myself over-and-over again. The first tear falls, and then my lips quiver uncontrollably. I can’t stop. I’m crying.

I try my hardest to remember what Seohyun and I are. We’re best friends; we have something special no matter what happens, she’ll always be by my side. But I’m greedy. I’m selfish. I want more, I know that, but I can’t have it. I pick up the pace of my steps. I need some fresh air.

I make it to the door, and I swing it open to feel a cold breeze rush against me. I hear the sound of the winter wind howling in the night. It’s calling to me, reflecting my sorrow. It’s snowing, and it’s pretty, but I have to keep moving.

I follow the path from the door, making imprints on the fresh layer of snow that’s on top. My tears are leaving little holes in the snow as I walk. It’s dark, but the path is lit by street lights that guide me to the parking lot.

The kiss is replaying in my head, but that’s not what stings the most. It’s the thought – the reality – of our relationship. I’m standing on the sidelines, watching as she falls in and out of love. My fate is one that no one could possibly want. She’ll come to me, and I’ll listen to her talk about her dates, her kisses, her plans, and her future with someone else. I’ll watch her walk down the aisle, and I’ll never be a part of it. How could I continue? How do I let go? What am I supposed to do?

I’m almost at the parking lot, but I hear her voice.

“Yoona!”

I can’t let her see me like this. I can’t let her see me cry. I’m supposed to be strong.

“Yoona, wait!”

I speed up, but I’m also scared I might fall in my rush. If I do, I might never want to get back up.

That’s when I feel a sharp tug on my shoulder, and I turn around against my own will. Seohyun is looking right at me, out of breath, with her heels in her hands. She doesn’t have a jacket on.

I cover my face with my hands, and rub my cheeks as quickly as I can, trying to hide the evidence. I try to turn away and run, but she grabs me, and keeps me from leaving. My arms swing in all sorts of directions.

“Let me go!”

“Yoona, stop this.”

I don’t want to talk to her. I push her, I fight her, resilient against her pleas for the first time. She’s taken aback by my sudden outburst, and I break free. She looks at me, and I can see that she’s crying too. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I didn’t know he was going to kiss me.”

That’s Seohyun’s problem: she never knows. What good is it to have a brain, if you can’t have a heart that beats along with it? There’s a thought in my head. It becomes words. Anger and frustration are telling me to scream it out loud. It’s only a few words; words that I thought I would never say to her. 

“I hate you!”

My voice travels sharply in the night, reverberating off the walls of the school so that they echo in the air. Seohyun lets go of me. I feel victorious, I feel good, but it’s temporary. Her tears are falling faster, and suddenly I feel much worse. That’s when she utters those few words that always work on me. Words that I want to hear her whisper into my ear, for as long as I live, but they sting this time; they tear into me and break what’s left of my spirit.

“I love you.”

She’s smart. She knows how to make me hurt.

I turn my back on her, because I’m tired of seeing her so pained. My emotions are conflicting. Then I feel her wrap her arms around me, as she pushes her head into my back, hugging me. “I love you,” she says. Again it digs into me, making me want to cry out in pain. I put my hands on hers, and can feel how cold they are.

“I know you love me,” I reply. “I can’t do this anymore though. I can’t. You have to let me go.”

Seohyun holds me tighter.

“Yoona, I really love you.”

“You’re going to freeze your toes off, go back inside.”

I pull at her hands, and forcefully push her arms away. I break free from her hug, but then she pulls me back again, and I face her. This time she doesn’t grab my hand, or hug me. She comes in close, and I can see her red cheeks, and shivering lips. She looks at me with her beautiful dark brown eyes. Then she closes them, and I feel her lips press against mine. Her kiss is cold, but there’s a feeling of warmth that fills my body.

She doesn’t pull away, and I close my eyes and kiss her back. My heart’s racing, and even as my tears fall, I can feel my heart breaking free of the painful tugs, and pulls. My body no longer tired, and my brain is no longer uncertain, or confused.

Seohyun loves me.

I pull away, and look at her. She’s still crying. She’s just as weak as I am. I’m crying too, because I’m such an idiot. I take off my jacket, and put it on her as quickly as I can. The winter air swarms my bare skin, but I don’t care. Seohyun is freezing. It finally dawns on me that this entire time she had been standing in the cold, the thing she hates the most, to be with me, to comfort me, to tell me how she really feels.

I zip up the jacket. “You’re freezing. Let’s get to Tiffany’s car. It’s closer.”

Seohyun reaches for my hand, and I grab it.

I turn for the parking lot.

Tiffany’s car is there, and she’s up by the pick-up circle with her lights on. I make a bee-line for her car, and I can see her surprised expression through her front window. Her doors are open, and I immediately swing the back door open and get Seohyun inside. Tiffany looks at the two of us, with red cheeks, a stream of now icy tears on our faces, and both of us shivering.

Without another word, she turns up the car heat. She doesn’t make a comment, or even say anything. She simply drives off into the night, to get us both home safe and sound.