The last few moments with Seohyun flashed before my eyes as I sat alone on her bed in embarassment. There was something strange about telling her how I felt, but what made it all the worse was the impulsive kiss. It felt nice to feel her soft lips against my own, but it was the wrong way to go about it. A romantic kiss should never be something so selfish and out of character. Seohyun had obviously been surprised. How could I do something like this without thinking about how it would affect her. The person I’m supposedly in love with. She wasn’t ready for this. I felt stupid, but I still held onto a tiny shred of hope. I had too.

I collapsed back onto the mattress in worry and felt the cold touch of her soft blankets against my bare neck and back. It was far from comforting. Rolling side-to-side, I tried to listen for any footsteps downstairs but her walls were quite thick and made the room completely silent. I was left there alone to contemplate my sins.

There was something that caught my eye. Getting up, I examined a set of picture frames on Seohyun’s bedside table. I got up to get a better look and felt a bittersweet feeling wash over me.

There we were in one of the frames. Not two young adults, but two kids with innocent and carefree smiles.

In the photo, I was dressed as one of Santa’s reindeer and sported an adorable antler headband that was still in a shoebox somewhere in my bedroom closet. To my right, with my arm around her shoulder was one of Santa’s little elves. Seohyun fit the role perfectly. At the time she was short, although now we were almost the same height, and she had her beautiful big eyes. On her head she wore a Christmas Hat and had her hair tied into a ponytail so that the audience could see her elfish ears, which was the focal point of her costume.

It was funny how much Seohyun and I had changed over the years. It was incredibly touching to know that she kept a picture of us by her bed, along with photos of her family.

Picking up the photo that was the closest to her bed, I stared at a forgotten face. Suddenly, I heard the bedroom door open and quickly placed the frame back where it was.

Seohyun had returned, and looked more composed than she had been earlier. For a moment she just stared at me, well aware of the photo that I had just held. There was tension between us. Just like at the mall last night, but this time it seemed like most of it rested on Seohyun’s shoulders. After all, it was time for her to react to my confession.

What felt like an eternity alone, really only lasted a few seconds as I saw another person pop their head into her bedroom. She had smooth black hair and a gorgeous smile.

I called her name in surprise. “Tiffany-unnie?”

“Yoona!” she shouted with excitement.

I carefully moved past Seohyun’s bed to give her a warm hug. As always, she smelled like a fresh bouquet of flowers and looked welcoming. For a moment, I could feel my heart ease at the sight of a friendly face. But I opened my eyes and eventually looked towards Seohyun, who was looking away from me and Tiffany.

I felt the girl in my arms push away and give me a concerned look. She tip-toed, while I was still slightly leaning over and she whispered something into my ear.

“Should I go?”

My confidant was smart. Heck, Tiffany was always more intelligent than she would let on. The girl liked her ditzy image and thought it fit her, but anyone that knew her well could see right through it.

Should she go?

The thought of telling her to leave simmered in my head, but looking at Seohyun gave me conflicting feelings. I decided to pick the option that my best friend would prefer. After all, she had let her in.

“You should stay,” I whispered back.

“Are you sure?”

I thought about it again. “I’m sure.”

“What happened?”

I gave her the best answer that I could while keeping our talk to a quiet whisper. “It’s complicated. I’ll explain later.”

With that, Tiffany nodded her head and pulled away from me. Seohyun who struggled to look in my direction, finally glanced at me but her eyes had a conflicted look. Tiffany could probably sense the tense atmosphere, and naturally she helped try to calm the situation. She was always the mood maker.

“So what are you doing here?” asked Tiffany, staring at me with surprise. “You rarely come over to Seohyun’s place.”

I let out a meek laugh. “I could ask you the same thing.”

Tiffany reached into her Prada purse and pulled out a recipe book. “I’m just here as a delivery girl for my mom.”

It caused me to smile. Tiffany and Seohyun lived down the block and were initially friends by association. Their mothers were close, and they wanted their daughters to be close to one another too.

Tiffany placed the book down on Seohyun’s desk. “I brought some snacks, they’re warming up in the oven downstairs.”

I raised my eyebrows and had an idea of what they were. “Sweet-“

“They’re not sweet potatoes,” she said, shooting a frown in Seohyun’s direction. “It’s just some pecan tarts. It’s a recipe from the book.”

Seohyun spoke. “Should we head downstairs?”

Tiffany shook her head. “Let’s hangout up here for a bit. It’s been a while since we were all here together.”

There was a moment of silence after her reply. I remembered the last time that we had been here together in Seohyun’s room. It was a dreary day, or at least it seemed that way in my mind’s eye. She had been dressed in a black dress, and held her Keroro doll as she cried. Tiffany and I were there by her side, doing our best to comfort her. It was the day after her father’s funeral.

I stared at Seohyun to see if she had registered Tiffany’s words. Over the years she had become stronger mentally than anyone I knew, even Tiffany. Hardship and loss could do that to a person. Her face was expressionless, which told me everything. Earlier she had been showing her confusion, but now she was just putting up a front to appear strong. The girl had loved her father.

Tiffany who had brought back the memory of that painful day had a purpose behind her words. “You two have come a long way huh?”

Seohyun nodded, staring at me now with her poker face. For some weird reason this didn’t make me feel any better.

“You guys will be graduating soon and will be heading off to University,” said Tiffany, with an older sister vibe. She always had that feel. “You guys should be proud, I know I am.”

A faint smile had formed on Seohyun’s face. “Thanks unnie.” She understood better than anyone what moving on was.

Tiffany picked up Seohyun’s glasses which sat on her desk, past the pile of neatly sorted papers and pamphlets. “Do you guys remember?”

“What?” I asked.

Tiffany carefully examined them in her hands. “What we said here, all those years ago.”

“I do,” answered Seohyun. She moved closer towards us, as if she had collected her thoughts and composed herself after the events that had happened to her over the past 48 hours.

“Yoona?” asked Tiffany. “Do you remember?”

For a moment, I forgot but being in her room made it easy to remember. I felt guilty for nearly forgetting. “I do.”

Tiffany shot us both a smile. “What’d we promise Yoona?” she asked. “Of course I’m only asking you because Seohyun would obviously remember.”

“Hey!” I shouted in anger.

Seohyun let out a slight chuckle at Tiffany’s verbal jab and my angry response.

“We promised,” I said, “To always be there for one another.”

Tiffany nodded as she placed Seohyun’s glasses back onto the desk. “And?”

The next words seemed cliché, but they needed to be said. Surprisingly Seohyun also blurted out the same words at the same time.

“Friends forever.”

Tiffany let out a laugh, hearing the two of us like twins. “We were pretty childish back then huh?” she joked, staring at the two of us in surprise.

“Unnie!” said Seohyun, slightly upset. I realized that she must have taken those words close to heart, a girl like Seohyun always did.

“I’m just kidding,” said Tiffany, motioning Seohyun closer. The taller girl moved in. Tiffany grabbed onto her hand and pulled her even closer so that we were all only a step or two apart. Tiffany reached for my hand as well. “We’re friends right?”

There was a moment of silence, another one. They were common this afternoon. I stared at Seohyun, who stared back at me with eyes that had that familiar shine, she looked more like her old self. It was then that I realized that she was waiting for me to answer.

“Always,” I said with a smile.

“That means we can tell each other everything. No secrets. No judging.”

This time I waited for Seohyun to answer. “Right.”

“We’re grown up, and we’re mature so we should talk things out. It’s better for all of us if we just say what’s in our hearts.”

 “Unnie,” said Seohyun, weak. “Did you have something to tell us?”

“I think,” said Tiffany, pausing. “I should go check on the pecan tarts. I’ll be back.”

Seohyun had a speechless look as Tiffany quickly strolled out the room, closing the door behind her as she left. The girl was clever and left us alone to chat. She must have understood by our body language that something had happened.

We were both standing there, so I decided to sit down, but not on the bed where I had kissed her so impulsively. The leather office chair felt safer. I had a feeling that Tiffany wouldn’t be done checking on the tarts for a good while.

“Seohyun,” I said, nervously. Someone had to break the silence and I still felt guilty for what I had done earlier. “I’m sorry.”

She moved closer to me, which caused my heart to race. It was different when we were alone. Was she going to toss me aside? Tell me that she didn’t feel the same way?

Instead she hugged me. “It’s okay Yoona.”

For some weird reason, I could feel tears well up in my eyes. Maybe it was Tiffany or the fact that Seohyun was incredibly mature for her age, but she comforted me in spite of everything I had done. In a way that only made me feel more guilty.

“No it’s not okay,” I argued.

“It’s okay,” she said, stubborn.

“No, it’s not okay!”

“Well I forgive you,” said Seohyun, holding me tighter.

I smiled and felt better about the whole situation. Yet Seohyun had more to say, I know she did.

Seohyun released me from her hug. “Now it’s my turn to say sorry.”

My heart which had calmed after the hug, started to race ferociously once again. I could feel the anxiety gather in my body as my muscles tensed up. Seohyun had an amazing power over me. She stood up straight but kept her eyes on me.

“I love you Yoona,” she said, confident. “Just, not the same way.”

There was an overwhelming feeling of shock as the words registered in my brain, which was odd because I had expected her rejection. But hearing it was different. The room started to spin as my heart practically felt like it was being emptied of all the positive feelings that kept it beating happily. I felt a tear squeak past my defenses, but I kept a stiff upper lip and tried my best to hide my torment. From a great high to a great low.

“I’m sorry,” she said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “I just wanted to tell you the truth.”

Tiffany’s whole lecture played over in my head and I cursed her for telling Seohyun to be honest, but maybe it was what I needed. I was crazy for going after her, someone who didn’t even want to date in the first place. I was paralyzed by her words, and there was no one to blame but myself for trying to climb a mountain, only to tumble back down after nearly reaching the summit.

I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just said what was on my mind. “It’s good that you’re honest.”

“We’ll still be friends right Yoona?” she asked, her eyes filled with sincerity.

There was only one answer that I could give. “Yeah.” But even as the word left my mouth, I wondered whether or not it would be true.

“Come on, let’s go try some of unnie’s tarts.”

I needed to be alone. “Right, I’ll be down in a second. You go on first.”

Seohyun wasn’t the most emotionally developed person, but she understood. I watched as she exited the room, leaving me in my own thoughts. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I was relieved by each subsequent breath, which brought me small comfort. However my heart still had a hollow and wretched feeling, like it had been wrung out to dry in the scorching sun.

Looking around the room, it was impossible to avoid looking at things that reminded me of her. Maybe Seohyun wasn’t the right one for me. There could be others out there. No, that thought didn’t sit well in my head.

Calming myself to the best of my abilities, I quickly exited her bedroom and headed downstairs to see Tiffany and Seohyun chatting rather solemnly to one another.

My confidant stared at me with sorrowful eyes. My poker face wasn’t as good as Seohyun’s.

“I was about to head home Yoona. Did you need a ride back to your place?”

There was a lot on my mind. Too much.

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

Tiffany smiled and handed me a pecan tart that was still in an aluminum casing. It was warm, not scalding. I must have taken a long time to compose myself.

The sweet had an aromatic vanilla, butter and sugar smell that soothed me. But my appetite was all but dead. I hated to associate food with bad feelings, and I would, if I tasted a bite of the tart that was in front of me. I couldn’t help but notice the extremely flaky crust which barely stayed together, and the filling that seemed to be a little dry.

Seohyun had been staring at me the whole time. But for once, I didn’t want to stare at her any longer than I had too.

“Come on, let’s go home,” said Tiffany as she grabbed my arm in hers and lead me to the front door while Seohyun trailed behind. Tiffany released her hold to give Seohyun a warm hug before leaving. When it was time for us to exchange goodbyes, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with my best friend. Ironic.

Seohyun initiated and gave me a hug, but it wasn’t as warm and affectionate as I was used too. It felt distant. I tried my best to hug her back, but if I held her close, I probably would have let my guard down right in front of her. Maybe she wouldn’t be comfortable with that either.

Heading out of the house, we got into Tiffany’s white VW Rabbit that was waiting in the driveway. She unlocked the doors as we walked towards car, which made the Rabbit give a welcoming beep. We entered and just sat in our own seats in silence.

Tiffany reached into her purse and handed me a tissue. My eyes had been watery, and she anticipated tears.

“So, I guess my timing was off,” she said, trying her best to joke around. I knew Tiffany loved to see me laugh and smile, but we both knew the chances of that happening right now were slim-to-none.

“You confessed?”

“I did.”

“How’d you do it?”

“I kissed her.”

Tiffany winced. “Ouch, that’s not weird at all,” she said, sarcastically.

Again, silence filled the car. “Did she like it?”

“Unnie, what do you think?” I asked, irritated.

“Right, sorry.” She was just trying to lighten the mood, but this was the wrong time for that.

“She still wants to be friends huh?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

I thought about it and answered honestly, “No.”

Tiffany nodded, “I thought as much,” she replied.

“Unnie,” I said as a tear ran down my right cheek. “What do I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

Now was not the time for Tiffany to be Socratic, but I paused for a moment to ponder on what I needed in that moment. “I want a break, a vacation from all this drama.”

“Your wish is my command,” answered Tiffany as she started the car and backed out of Seohyun’s driveway. 

Before Tiffany sped off, I took one final glance at the home with teary eyes. I wondered whether the girl that resided within its walls felt as bad as I did.