The house was silent as I followed Seohyun upstairs to her bedroom. Memories from my childhood flooded into my brain as I looked around the halls of her massive home. It had been years since I last visited, so seeing everything again was a little overwhelming.

Seohyun’s home always had a hollow vibe to it, which is why I always liked to call her over to my place. As a little girl, I remembered being scared to walk around her halls at night when we played into the late hours. It was originally a home meant for a large family, but difficult complications had arisen that made it only a home for two. In my mind, it was better to let those thoughts go rather than to remember them again, especially since Seohyun had fully recovered after all these years.

Besides, my best friend caught me off guard with a warm hug earlier, which made me feel a whole slew of emotions that I was still trying to comprehend. For a moment, I wondered whether there was a possibility that she reciprocated my feelings. Why did Seohyun suddenly hug me? More importantly, did she cry last night because she was genuinely scared of losing me?

“Yoona?” asked Seohyun, who noticed me in a daydream. “Is everything okay?”

I shot her a smile to let her know that I was still there, and watched as she smiled back. We were on better terms compared to last night, when it felt like we were ready to go our separate ways. It made me feel relieved to know that she was alright with me spontaneously dropping by and was willing to clear the air. Seohyun was always mature for her age when it came to the things that mattered. Another reason why I admired her.

Entering her massive and luxurious bedroom was a welcome change from the rest of her house. It was warm here.

The stuffed animals were the first thing that caught my eye. They made their home just by her bedside, on a shelf that looked like a miniature zoo. Sure enough, her big Keroro doll was the only one of her beloved toys that was out and about as it sat atop her puffy pillow, on a gigantic bed that looked incredibly welcoming.

Needless to say, the entire room looked spotless, carefully organized without a single item littering the floor. My mother would be impressed.

Looking at her earthy oak desk in the closest corner of her room, I could see pamphlets for all the schools that she had applied too. Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Harvard, Princeton, MIT, Penn State, Stanford, and Yale all of them looked world-class with latin phrases, elegant photos and insignias on their covers. Of course, I barely knew the major differences between them, and just assumed that they were all schools that I had no chance in hell of attending, which was probably true.

Seohyun noticed me peering at her table, and helped quench my growing curiosity. “Just looking at what the campuses would be like,” she said, as she led me to her table. Grabbing the Harvard booklet that sat atop the tall stack, she began flipping through the pages, showing me all the beautiful architecture and what I could expect as an undergraduate student. It was almost like she was a Harvard recruiter.

I had to ask. “Seohyun, which one of these schools is your number one choice?”

My best friend laughed, “I’ll just be happy get into any of them.”

“Shut up,” I joked, punching her in the shoulder. “You’ll probably get accepted in a heartbeat.”

Seohyun rubbed her arm and gave an adorable pout like she always did when I was playfully violent. “I’m just saying what you always say,” she argued, as she put the pamphlet down.

Walking towards the window, I stood by the grand piano in her room, which added another touch of extravagance. Naturally, I eyed the sheet music that sat atop the keys.

“Yiruma?” I asked, curious. I attempted to play a few of the bars from the sheet of music. Looking at the title, I read, ‘River Flows in You’. It sounded interesting.

Seohyun stood beside me and watched as I tried to show off my piano skills to the master pianist, but all I did was embarrass myself. Seeing that I was in distress, she started playing chopsticks with one finger, waiting for me to join in, which I did, childishly. This was something that we had done as kids when we were bored out of our minds. It brought back more fond memories. We giggled when we finished, like we did back when we were kids.

“Here, let me play this for you,” Seohyun said, shooing me aside from her piano bench. She sat down and stretched her fingers, warming them up as much as she could. Then she started to play the piece that I had tried to play earlier.

Of course, Seohyun played it beautifully and the song itself was romantic and touching as I heard it. The melody, everything about it fit the way that I was feeling. It was a love song, and there she was, the girl of my dreams, playing it just for me. I felt touched, but Seohyun didn’t know that did she?

When she finished, I clapped aloud and gave her a wide grin. She confidently raised her chin and smiled. “Pretty good right?”

“Amazing,” I replied.

I watched as the object of my affection made her way to her bed and sat just on the edge of her mattress. She patted the spot next to her welcoming me to sit down. Seohyun asked, “So what’d you want to talk about?” My best friend was ready to listen.

Walking over to her, I perched myself on her bed as she commanded, but sat so that we were only a few inches apart. Seohyun didn't scoot away despite my proximity. She never did, no matter how close I got. It made me nervous to be only a few inches away, but it had been that way since I realized how I felt about her months ago.

“Seohyun, how do you see us in 5 years?” I asked, heart pumping with a fervent pace. There was plenty of time for me to think of questions on my walk over, but asking them was a lot more nerve-racking than I expected.

My best friend was sitting tall and confident, but the question caused her to wrinkle her brow. Watching her contemplate for a few seconds, she answered, “I see myself graduating from Harvard with my Bachelor’s and studying my first year in my Ph.D. program.”

“And me?”

Seohyun gazed at me with her reflective eyes, which caused me to freeze in place. Her cheeks looked a little more swollen than usual, which told me that she must have cried more after coming home last night and missed her normal hours of sleep.

“I see you graduating from college in Korea,” she commented. “You’ve met a good man, and you’re happy.”

The second sentence nearly made me roll over and die. “And?”

“And you’ll work somewhere, maybe pursue another degree?” she responded. “I think you might get married first though.”

Marriage? Really?!

Seohyun knew that I wanted to start a family, but a big part of that dream was to have someone that I truly loved by my side. Right now, that person was her.

“How about you?” I asked. “What about your romantic life?”

I already knew the answer, but Seohyun reiterated it, squashing all my hopes and dreams. “I’ll worry about that after I graduate with my doctorate.”

Typical Seohyun.

“What about us?” I asked, emphasizing the noun, “Where do you see our friendship?”

This was the bit that I wanted to hear. Yesterday, I had assumed the worst. Maybe it wasn’t all that bad. 

Seohyun bluntly answered, “Best friends, but we’ll be distant.”

“Distant?”

“Well, we’ll be far away from each other. Like I said Yoona, it’ll be hard for us to stay close, but we’ll always be friends.”

“Will we be talking?”

“Of course,” she replied, smiling. “Maybe by letter? You know I like to write out my thoughts.”

As romantic as the idea sounded, I wanted to see and hear her. “Phone or Webcam,” I demanded. “This is the twenty-first century.”

Seohyun nodded, realizing that I had my own terms and conditions if she was going to head off a thousand miles away.

“Do you think that you will feel the same way about me five years from now?”

This was it, the million dollar question. Would Seohyun see me the same way in five years? Would I still hold that special place in her heart? While I was lost in thought, Seohyun brought me back to reality with an honest answer.

“No.”

I felt light headed hearing her answer. “Seohyun, I can’t accept that,” I argued, getting up from my seat as a rush of blood filled my head. “I can’t accept the fact that your feelings about us will change. Mine never will.”

“Yoona, it’s only natural. I’ve told you this before,” she lectured, self-assured. Brushing her hair aside, Seohyun took a deep breath. “A friendship is a lot like a flower. You need to give a lot of attention and nutrients for it to survive.”

I nodded, blissfully aware of the analogy she was trying to make.

“Naturally, as we grow apart, the ability for us to nurture our flower so that it blooms beautifully will slip away,” she added. “What we will always have is the memory of a better time, when our flower was in full bloom. That should be enough for us right?”

“Can’t that flower be nurtured? Can’t it bloom again?” I asked.

“Of course but not while we’re both busy with our lives.”

“I’ll always feel the same way about you, even if you go off to pursue your dreams,” I confessed, defiant.

However, Seohyun disagreed despite the emotion that she could feel from my response. “You say that now because I’m here with you, but when I leave your life will move on too. I wouldn’t be surprised if you started to forget about me.”

It was weird hearing her talk like this. As her best friend, the last thing I wanted to do was distract her from her dreams, but then again, I wanted to be more than just her best friend. I was tired of hiding the most important truth. She needed to know that I wouldn’t forget her, even if she went away. Seohyun had to know my feelings.

“You’re right, change will happen naturally,” I countered, “but don’t you think sometimes we can alter the circumstances?”

Seohyun nodded, but struggled to see where I was trying to go with this.

I was tired of playing the friend and the fool. It was too difficult to try and change her feelings with the current situation. She did not see why I wanted to preserve our bond with such persistence. She loved me, and saw me as a friend, but thought that we would both move on and grow up, but love doesn’t move on so easily. So I said it, maybe prematurely or carelessly, but I said it.

“Seohyun, I love you.”

I waited for her reaction and watched as my best friend gave me a warm smile, and innocently replied, “I love you too.”

I had to fight back the urge to scream at her from the top of my lungs for being so stupid. Seohyun still could not comprehend what I was trying to tell her.

Leaning in even closer, so that she could see the emotion in my eyes, I confessed as genuinely as I could. “Seohyun, I really love you, more than just a friend.”

She nodded, still not realizing my intent. “I know, we’re best friends Yoona, you don’t have to-“

I stopped her and decided to show her how I felt, right then and there. I did something so impulsive that I knew I would probably regret it, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. Actions spoke louder than words.

Moving forward, I interrupted Seohyun and carefully placed my warm lips on hers and could feel her freeze in place at my soft touch. There was a warm sensation that flowed inside of me, as I did something that I had wanted to do for a long time. Being brave, I put my hand gently on her lap, and tried to keep my lips there for as long as I could, despite the fact that my brain was screaming at me to back away. I tried to give her a gentle and innocent kiss, to let her know that my feelings were pure and true.

This felt different from the back hug, it felt right. My heart was racing with nerves and my lips with pleasure, as I pulled away to see her reaction.

Her expression of warmness had changed.

“Yoona?!” she questioned, “What was that for?” Seohyun got up from her bed and put her hand on her lips, where I had kissed her.

“I told you, I love you,” I replied, my body flooding with feelings of embarrassment. “More than a friend.”

Seohyun’s face said it all as she furrowed her brow in confusion. Seeing her like this made me want to run away.

This was like a bad nightmare. Why had I kissed her like that? All this time, I struggled to think of a way to show her how much I loved her, and now I impulsively confessed, ruining the romance.

At least it was all in the open now, but there was more to lose. I had showed my hand to the dealer and had thrown all my chips into the pot. I had gone all-in.

The atmosphere between us was incredibly awkward. Then again, sudden confessions were always like that.

I had made things complicated, and the situation had altered dramatically as I had said. Now my best friend of fifthteen years knew that there was more on my mind than just friendship.

“Seohyun, I’m sorry if this is a lot for you to take in,” I spoke as carefully as I could. I felt like I had made a grave mistake. One that I would regret. “I’ll leave if that’s what you want.”

Her hand was still touching her lips as she stared at me, perhaps putting all the pieces of the puzzle together. She must have noticed the way that I had been acting around her these last few months.

Seohyun finally moved her hand away, and looked ready to talk, but she was interrupted by the sound of her doorbell. We stared at each other in silence, waiting for the other to react. The doorbell rang again. She hesitated to go answer it. Did she want to say something?

“Wait here,” she said, her voice shaking. “I’ll just go see who it is.” I watched as she uncharacteristically stumbled out the room. This time it seemed like she was the one feeling light headed.

What had I done?