“Yoona, where exactly are we going?”

Seohyun’s decked out in a thick winter jacket with her purple scarf and matching mittens. I thought she understood we were being spontaneous.

“We’ll know it when we see it.”

I take some confident steps forward and she reluctantly follows me along. We hear the snow crunch beneath our steps as we walk and admire the streets and buildings of Andong that were blanketed with frost. The roads weren’t particularly busy, which surprised us because the weather was as perfect as it could get in the winter. We were expecting to see more people.

After walking a couple of blocks, I feel a tug on my hand and turn to see Seohyun with an excited expression. Her eyes are shining with life as she points to a sign on the side of the road.

Andong National University 1 km East

I smile at the gesture. “Maybe another time.”  I didn’t exactly want to spend my free time at a school. Taking a few steps forward, I feel another forceful tug. Suddenly, I can feel Seohyun pulling me by the arm.

“We’re going,” she says with assertiveness.

This was different.

“But why?! We’re on vacation!” I shout in rebellion.

Seohyun turns to me and reasons, “We’ll do whatever you want afterwards. Let’s just see what the campus is like.” With that she grabs my hand and guides me east. Her normally gentle touch now has some force too it and it’s oddly attractive.

Whatever I want?

Again, naughty ideas fill my head and a grin even starts to form on my lips as I slip into delusion. Thankfully, my conscience puts a stop to it by reminding me that I’m still friend-zoned beyond belief. Still, I’ll hold her to that promise.

We spot additional signs as we follow the eastern road. The streets begin to get busier as we head toward the university. Cafés, karaoke bars, lounges, restaurants and shops now replaced the homes and markets that we had passed earlier. Seohyun was a genius. We were better off heading to a place where there were people around our age with similar interests.

A busy intersection with crowds of students going in all sorts of directions prompts Seohyun to let go of my hand to check the map that she brought in case of an emergency.

There’s an odd feeling as I can feel the warmth of her touch slip away from my fingers. The chilling winter air takes it away too quickly.

“It’s this way.”

Seohyun starts walking ahead of me, but she doesn’t hold my hand this time. I’m tempted to grab hers instead, but how would she feel? Was she comfortable with me clinging to her like that? I decide that it’s better to stay at a distance.

We arrive at a wide stone slab arch with a silver-gated entrance. The doors are swung wide open, welcoming us into the school grounds. Seohyun trots ahead in excitement and I follow behind, thankful that the roads here were well shovelled and salted. In the distance we see a park that is filled with bare branch trees, street lamps, and park benches which are all powdered with snow. Getting closer, we can make out a maze of paths that intersect throughout the park, connecting the campus buildings around the park. The paths went in all sorts of confusing directions, but I knew that they all must lead to something.

“Isn’t it amazing?” Seohyun asks as she seems enthralled by the sight. Her excitement is contagious and even I start to nerd out. “It is,” I reply with a smile. Seohyun gives me a warm expression and takes the first fork in the road that leads towards the biggest building of the bunch. There are several other forks that lead us elsewhere but she ignores them.

“Maybe we should take a tour or something?” Seohyun asks looking around.

I answer with a grin. “That’s not spontaneous.”

“I’m really starting to think that’s your favourite word.”

“It is. I like spontaneous.”

Seohyun nods her head. “I know.”

Was she referring to the kiss?

Ignoring the thought, we arrive at the building. Upon entering, the first thing that hits me is the aromatic smell of food. We see students all over the first floor lobby, which looks pretty chill. There were students chatting and eating at cafeteria tables, and others lounging on sofas with laptops to keep them company. There’s a mini-food court at the far side of the hall – the source of the smells. My stomach lets out a grumble.

“Food?” I ask in a needy tone.

Seohyun turns to me like I’m a child. “Again?”

I nod.

She smiles.

We split up to save time per Seohyun’s suggestion. Hot drinks are her priority, while I’m given the task of buying the snack. Getting to the front of the cafeteria, there’s only one thing that pops out on the menu. Sweet potato fries. Seohyun’s favourite vegetable, plus it was deep fried so that I could get my grease fix. It seems like the perfect choice.

I meet up with her as she carries a cardboard tray with the drinks and we head to lounge on one of the sofas in the corner by a glass window that gives us a perfect view of the park. All its coiling roads seem beautiful from a far, as if I’m staring at the wild hair of Medusa or the branches of an elm tree. It’s a little chilly here, but our spirits are warm.

Seohyun hands me the paper mug with the cardboard sleeve to protect my delicate fingers.  “I got you a Peppermint Mocha. I hope that’s okay.”

I take off my gloves and grab the hot drink to feel its warmth. I blow on the opening before I take my first sip. Seohyun stares at me, waiting for my judgement like it’s of the most critical importance.

“It’s perfect,” I answer after taking a quick swig. In truth, it might have been a little too minty, but there was no way that I could complain with her sitting across from me with those bright eyes.

She seems happy with my answer, and stares at the greasy basket of food on the table.

“I got us sweet potato fries. I thought you might like something healthy.”

Seohyun raises an eyebrow and stares at me. She lectures, “I don’t think anything deep fried can be healthy.”

Her honesty is a little too much for me and I can start to feel the mood turn sour. However, I see her grin as she confesses, “But I can’t resist sweet potatoes.”

As she eats her first fry, I smile back. “This is really good.” She munches on a few more strands before she offers me some. I take a few fries and smile as I taste the earthy sweetness of Seohyun’s favourite vegetable.

“So are you ready for the CSATs?” Seohyun asks. She was referring to the annual Korean collegiate exams that were being held just before Christmas break. It would be my first, and hopefully only time writing it.

“Seohyun we’re on vacation,” I answer, trying not to think about it.

“Well you were the one studying while I was sleeping,” she counters as she takes a sip of her latte.

“And you’re the one tutoring me and taking me to a university on our vacation!”

“This still counts as a vacation.”

“How?” I question.

Seohyun takes off her mittens and gets more comfortable in her chair before. “We don’t have to pay tuition.”

She had a point.

“So are you ready?”

She had seen my workbook earlier and the devil horns that littered nearly every page. “What do you think?”

Seohyun leans forward. “I think you’ve been working hard, but you need some guidance.”

“That means?”

“You should hire me as your tutor.”

“Hire? You’re telling me that I have to pay for my best friend’s time?”

Seohyun nods and I can’t help but wonder whether she’s joking.

“I’m probably better than any tutor that you can find, plus, I’m flexible with my payment.”

“Meaning?”

“If I tutor you, you have to come back to the debate club meetings.”

It was an obligation that I avoided while I was trying my best to avoid her during our time apart.

“How many tutoring hours do I get in return?”

Seohyun looks up to the side and thinks up an answer. “You’ll have me for eight hours a week. That’s twenty four hours before the big test.”

For the second time today I take the deal. I can use all the help I can get.

After finishing with the fries, we end up getting up from our seats to look through the halls of the building until we end up on the second floor. There’s a long hallway in front of us, with windows to the park on one side and doors to lecture rooms on the other. Being adventurous, I make my way to the classroom closest to us and turn the door knob but Seohyun stops me.

“What are you doing?” she speaks in a whisper, but we’re the only ones in the hall.

“I’m just trying to see if any of these rooms are open.”

Seohyun stays mum.  “It’s a Saturday. They’re all locked.”

“Oh come on I’m sure one of them will be open and can you stop whispering?”

Seohyun gives me a look of concern as I try to open the door. I hear a click. “See?”

Opening the door, I peak inside and see a completely empty classroom.

“I’m not sure if this is a good idea,” Seohyun whispers as I take my first step inside. Again, I’m not too sure why she’s using her indoor voice.

“It’s fine. I bet they leave it open for students who want to study or something.”

The first thing I notice is the podium at the front of the class and the white board behind it. Seohyun sits down at her usual spot, just behind the first row of the desks in the middle.

I make my way behind the podium and stare out into the class.

“Professor Im Yoona,” Seohyun jokes as she raises her hand. I grin and play along by pulling out my reading glasses from my purse. Putting them on, I query, “Yes Seohyun my favourite pupil?”

She smiles. “What are you going to teach me today?”

Teach me. I have to shake out the naughty thoughts whenever I hear Seohyun say anything with a trace of innuendo. I decide to answer her question with a question, as a tribute to my favourite Greek philosopher, whose name I barely know how to pronounce.

“What do you want me to teach you?”

“Whatever you’re good at?”

“What am I good at?”

“A lot of things.”

“Like?”

“I don’t know.”

“Thanks?”

“I envy you,” Seohyun says without hesitation.

For a moment I almost step out of character and feel confused. “What?”

Seohyun shakes her head. “Nevermind.”

“What do you mean envy me?”

My best friend sighs. “You’ve got a lot of things I’m jealous of Yoona.”

“Like what?”

“Your confidence, your personality.”

“Shut up, you have an amazing personality and you’re totally confident miss debate club president.”

Seohyun shakes her head again. “Not that kind of confidence. You know yourself, you know what you want.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. Seohyun, the girl who had her dream of saving the world since she was a kid, was telling me she didn’t know what she wanted. “You do too. You know what you want to do in the future. That’s enviable.”

I make my way over to Seohyun and sit beside her. Taking off my glasses, I place them on the desk in front of us. There’s something weird going on and I don’t like it one bit. I put my arm around her.

“What’s bothering you?” I ask.

For a while Seohyun remains silent and I watch as she leans on my shoulder.

“Seohyun? You know you can talk to me about any-”

“I got accepted,” she quietly blurts out.

“What?” It takes a while for me to understand just what it means. Seohyun looks conflicted and I understand what this means. She knows this isn’t happy news for me.

“To Harvard?” I ask, trying my hardest to remain indifferent.

Seohyun pulls herself away from me. She looks me right in the eye and says, “Yeah.”

“Don’t you need to take the SATs or something?!”

“I took it last year.”

“What the heck did you score?!”

“2320.”

“Is that good?”

“Top .01% in the world?”

No wonder.

“Why didn’t you tell me you took the test already?”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“It’s totally a big deal. Just like this is!”

Seohyun pauses. “I know this is a big deal. I was waiting for the right time to tell you.”

There’s only one thought that is rolling around in my head and the irony is enough to kill me. “I’m starting to think spontaneous is your favourite word too.”

Seohyun seems upset by my hostility, but I know she isn’t surprised.

“So what does this mean?” I ask, calmly.

“I’m going to accept the offer.”

My world freezes. For how long is anybody’s guess. One minute we were fooling around, and she utters a few words and I’m completely speechless. I know how important this is for Seohyun. I decide to do what any good friend would do. I hug her back. “I’m proud of you.” I have to muster everything I have just to utter those words.

“Thanks Yoona.”

I hear her sob.

“Don’t do that,” I chide.

“What?”

“Don’t cry.”

“I feel like crying,” Seohyun replies.

“You’re so stupid you know that? You should be happy. Aren’t you happy?”

Seohyun doesn’t answer my question. Instead she pulls herself away from me and reaches for a napkin in her pocket. She wipes what’s left of her tears away. She stares at me and I know she’s looking for a reaction. I force a smile with the rest of my face as indifferent as I could make it.

“How long did you know?”

“Not too long. A few days maybe?”

My face doesn’t show any emotion. Was it because I knew this would happen all along or did my mind just want to numb the pain?

“I’m happy for you.”

I was happy for her. I just wasn’t happy for us.

“Come on Seohyun, I’ve had enough of this classroom.”

We head out the door and I look outside at the park and can tell that the afternoon is starting to disappear. There’s this ominous feeling and fooling around with my intentions just doesn’t seem practical. Instead of playing it safe, I reach for her hand and hold it as I lead her downstairs and out the door, back onto the paths that go in all sorts of directions. The entire time, my grip on her hand is tight. I don’t want to let go just yet.

Seohyun speaks to me as we walk, and I give her half-hearted answers.

“Yoona I know this is a lot for you to take in.”

“It’s fine.”

“I just wanted you to know. I had to tell you.”

“Right.”

“Where are we going?”

“To do what I want to do. That’s what you said earlier.”

“What do you want to do?”

This time I give her an answer that’s second nature.

“I want to spend time with you.”

Walking out of the campus, Seohyun has to know what she’s doing to me. She’s too damn smart not too understand what I’m going through. I can feel anger well up inside of me, but I keep it suppressed. There’s a call as my phone vibrates.

“Yoona aren’t you going to pick up your phone?” she asks, squeezing my hand gently.

I feel like she’s playing some sort of sick joke on me, and I realize now that all those lines and barriers between us that were once so clear in my head were now crisscrossed and intersecting like the paths in the park. I didn’t know what I was to her, and who she was to me.

Reaching for my phone I answer the call.

“Hello?”

I hear Tiffany on the other line. “Hey are we meeting up for dinner?”

There are too many things I want to say out loud to both Seohyun and Tiffany. But I can’t bring myself to say anything.

“No, I’m having dinner alone with Seohyun.”

I can hear Tiffany pause on the other line.

“Why?”

I’m positive she can sense something; it’s probably my urgent tone.

“I don’t know. I’ve got to go.”

I hang up before she can say anything else and try to figure out just what the heck the appropriate response was. There are a couple of clothing stores nearby and I lead Seohyun into the nearest one which seems pretty high-end. The attendant greets us and asks us how we are.

“Great,” I lie.

We move past her and head to the back of the store.

I turn to face Seohyun and she looks apprehensive. Her eyes continue to scan my expression and she’s trying to figure out how I really feel. Doesn’t she know?

“I’m just going to try on some clothes, okay?”

Seohyun nods her head innocently.

I reach for a few clothes hangers, without even looking at the tags, and head to the back to change. The attendant unlocks a room for me and tells me to call her when I’m done.

Throwing the clothes onto the bench inside, I give myself some much needed privacy. My brain and my heart are having a constant struggle as I try to make sense of things.

This doesn’t change anything.

It changes everything.

This just means you have to win her over.

So you can lose her.

You knew this was going to happen.

But you never wanted it too.

Nichkhun’s advice ran through my head, but it was just too difficult to ignore all these bad feelings. Still, I told myself that I would win her over and that’s still the prevailing thought in my head and in my heart. I don’t cry, mainly because that seems like the old me. I want to be stronger than I was before. Master my emotions, or at least, not let them rule over me like a stringed puppet.

Stepping outside the change room I hand the attendant my clothes and she sees them almost completely free of wrinkles.

“Were they the wrong size?” she asks, examining the garments.

“Not my style,” I reply as I blow past her.

Seohyun is sitting on the bench waiting for me with an apologetic expression. “Yoona, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” I ask, taking her hand again without hesitation.

I know what she wants to say, but she doesn’t say it.

I’m sorry for breaking your heart.

We walk outside the store, and I act like nothing’s happened. Seohyun was my best friend and this was her lifelong dream. How the hell could I make her feel guilty at a time like this.

I try my best to act like I’m alright, and I notice that she buys it after we walk into the next store and I tell her to try on some clothes on. Seohyun’s smart enough to know how I feel, but maybe she knows that there’s nothing she can do.

Seohyun picks out some clothes for me after I picked out some for her, and I head into the dressing room for a second time. This store has loud and bass-filled house music which helps calm me down. Shopping is oddly soothing when you’re feeling in over your head.

We make our way from store to store and end up with shopping bags full of clothes and accessories. Seohyun doesn’t seem to sense the pain that I’m feeling, and I realize that I deserve an Academy Award for Best Actress. Still, I hug her every chance I get and I wonder if she feels anything when I do.

“I’m proud of you.” I say it over and over again as the day continues, hoping that it would eventually sink into my subconscious that this was a good thing.

We finally grab dinner and out of all the restaurants around us, there’s only one that catches my eye. We head inside and hear the hostesses greet us. It’s a Japanese themed café.

I’m not hungry, but I force myself to eat. We sit down and I immediately bark my order. “The Japanese Chicken Curry please.”

Seohyun gets the same. She talks to me, really talks to me, for the first time since she told me the news.

“Yoona?”

“Yup?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

Seohyun puts her hand on mine as it rests on the table.

“I’m glad that you’re taking the news so well.”

I nod, playing along.

“Please, don’t let this change anything,” she says.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve thought a lot about what you said. You know that night at the movies. I don’t want us to just say our goodbyes and go our separate ways.”

There’s a different feeling that boils inside of me as I hear her talk. Seohyun’s letting her guard down.

 “I don’t want to ever throw this friendship away,” she says looking at me with watery eyes.

My heart starts kicking my conscience’s for doubting Seohyun even for a second. I keep silent, in fear that if I utter any word, I might break out in tears.

Then Seohyun says something out of the blue.

“I’m the happiest when I’m around you.”

The uncertainty in my head starts to fade - I know Seohyun is telling the truth. She didn’t have much in her life except her small group of friends and a room full of trophies. It’s a victory to hear her say those words, but that doesn’t make the news from earlier any easier to swallow. In fact, it makes it more difficult. I accidentally utter something, probably because I had been holding everything in for so long.

“So why are you leaving?”

I put my hand over my lips, but it’s too late. The words escape between my fingers and linger in the air around us.

Seohyun gives an answer that’s easy for me to understand.

“Because dreams are worth chasing.”