The foyer of the estate has a festive air as we walk in from the main entrance. My eyes are wide with awe at the expansiveness of the common room that acts as the staging area for the dinner party.

As big as it is, there are people everywhere chatting, eating, drinking, and seemingly having a good time. What I’m not used to are the dresses, the suits, the waiters, the live band, and the massive tables of food that were stationed at each end of the room. The room itself doesn’t permeate the smell of food, but there’s a smell of pine that tickles my nose. In the corner by the door I spot the perpetrator; a large Christmas tree. It’s well decorated, and I’m thankful that the smell actually subdues my growing hunger, because I came to eat.

My blissful fantasy is disrupted by Seohyun as she grabs my arm and guides me off to the side where we’re alone. I’m too busy staring at the spread of food to care, but she finally stops and she grabs my attention.

“Yoona,” she says, “I hope you’re not mad.” Her eyes have a hint of concern, but there’s also a glint of satisfaction in her expression.

“Mad, why would I be-”

I remember our conversation at the front gate.  The sights and the sounds of the party were enough to distract me from the real issue at hand. This wasn’t a dinner party, but a recruitment party.

Before I can even look for the nearest escape, Seohyun firmly rests her hands on my shoulders and I naturally gaze at her and feel a completely different emotion. I can tell her eyes are reading every inch of my expression, and it reminds me of our study sessions together, like my hidden emotions were a problem for her to solve.

She arrives at an answer after a few moments. “Don’t worry, okay? You’ll be fine.” She knows I’m frazzled. As if making an impression was something that was easy to do.

“Just be yourself.”

Again, not that easy when you’re not prepared at all to answer any personal questions. Despite Seohyun’s best effort, anxiety is creeping up on me because I’m smart enough to know how these things work. You can’t be yourself with just anybody at parties like this; you have to be one side of yourself, the side that impresses and distinguishes.

I close my eyes and take some deep breathes to ready myself for what’s ahead.

Seohyun speaks to me again. “Yoona?”

“Yeah?” I let her know I’m still conscious.

“This is Ms. Sung.”

I open my eyes in utter disbelief. I must have zoned out, spaced out, or nodded off at the worst time because Seohyun somehow managed to grab someone important for me to talk too. She’s wearing a crimson blazer with the Harvard insignia. This feels like a nightmare. I feel a sharp pain in my arm as Seohyun elbows me to let me know it isn’t.

“Nice to meet you, Yoona,” the woman says. Ms. Sung is looking up at me and I realize how short she really is, or how freakishly tall I really am. She offers her hand, and I reactively respond with the same gesture and try my best to give her my most polite smile, but for all I know that might have been the most unpleasant grin. I really need to practice facial expressions in the mirror when I get the chance.

There’s a long silence as Ms. Sung looks at me with curious eyes. She’s not the only one of her kind, because I spot other figures sporting crimson red blazers in the room behind her, roaming the floor like sharks in a warm ocean, circling, and circling for their prey.

Seohyun clears to get my attention back to the task at hand.

Ms. Sung’s a pretty, albeit short, woman, but she might as well be a giant given who she was in the room. Everyone was here to see her and her colleagues. I needed time to prepare, time to think, and time to grasp the situation around me. Instinct kicks in, and I do what I always do. I buy time.

I give her my most apologetic expression. “Oh Ms. Sung, I’m so sorry, I think I see my cousin over there by the caterers.” I point to a general direction and she follows my gesture to a pudgy guy with an oversized suit. “I haven’t seen him in years, I hope you don’t mind if I postpone our conversation?”

“Feel free,” she replies with a polite nod. “I’ll be around.”

Without another thought, I make a bee-line towards the man that I had just singled out of the crowd and I can hear Seohyun excuse herself behind me. I weave through a few crowds and grab someone by the shoulder, completely catching them off guard. He’s a guy around my age, and there’s nothing but a look of shock as I stare at him.

“Oh, sorry. I thought you were my cousin.”

He gives me a blank expression, but I ignore it and turn to line up for some food. I look back to see Seohyun walking after me with a look of disappointment. Something I hated.

“Was that really your cousin?” she asks.

“Turns out, it wasn’t him.”

Seohyun sighs. She knows what I am up to. “Are you okay?”

There’s no point in playing cool. This is where I’m vulnerable, and I’m sure it shows. “I’m not okay,” I confess. “I need some time to think.”

Seohyun lines up as well, and I take another look around the room to see a podium off to the side where a live band is playing Christmas music. The line for the food is moving forward and I quickly scoot up to fill the space. There are more people lining up behind Seohyun, who still has a look of disappointment.

“Don’t you think you should have told me why we were really coming here?” I ask, looking for a sign of guilt.

Seohyun shakes her head as she follows my lead. “If I did, you would never come.”

She’s right, but I still give her a look of distain.

“Yoona,” her voice is gentle. I know she means well. “Just try, okay? Don’t overthink it. Be yourself. There’s a reason I brought you here.” Again the line scoots forward in front of me, but I give her my reply before I go anywhere. “I told you Seohyun. I’m not like you – I can’t do something like this.”

“Just try.”

I feel slightly agitated, but I let it stew instead of expressing my concerns. I turn back to the line and focus on the food, which might be the one bright spot of the entire evening. Seohyun rests her hands on my shoulders and I stiffen at her touch. “I’ll be back, okay Yoona?”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m not hungry and I did need to come here for a reason besides getting you to network.”

“And what’s that?”

Seohyun doesn’t answer me, she simply releases me from her hold. I watch as she walks into the crowd of well-dressed men and woman. I lose sight of her almost immediately. I can’t help but feel like she’s different here. This is her world, but can I ever get used to this?

Turning back to the spread of food at the table with beef tenderloin, mussels, crab, and roast chicken, I grin. Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all.

*

I tap my finger against the glass of cider that I’m holding while scanning the room for Seohyun. She’s not there. My heart begins to palpitate, and a feeling of dread comes over me. Nothing about this feels right, I’m not prepared. I’ve been lured into a trap.

Instead of standing in the middle of the room and talking to the recruiters, I make my way past the crowds and manage to find a leather bench to sit at by the enclosed stairwell at the far end of the room. It’s quieter here, and it gives me a chance to hide from wandering eyes.

“Excuse me, miss, would you like an hor d’oeuvre?”

A what?

I look up to see a waiter looking down at me with a silver platter in his hand. Apparently there were wandering eyes that wanted to give me food. “It’s an appetizer,” he repeats.

I look at the waiter with bewilderment. “Aren’t appetizers usually served before the meal?”

He gives a shrug.

I shake my head in refusal. Cheese and crackers couldn’t compare to the feast that I just had.

The waiter nods and moves onto the next guest, a stout woman with a glass of red wine in one of her pudgy hands. He’s posing the same question he had asked me only seconds ago. The woman seems to be less concerned about the order of events and happier to see the free food. Unlike her, my mind is focusing on the task at hand. She’s probably here for her son or daughter, but I’m here for me and my best friend. I’ve got more on the line.

Taking a quick look around me, I am still surprised at how many people are still at the party. Noise is something that I’m not accustomed to, and the amount of conversations that were happening all around me over the past couple of hours made me aware of how much parties like this can consciously take out of you – even if you don’t participate. Still, I can’t help but feel out of place for not being more active and outgoing when it came to chatting with the recruiters. How did those guys manage to talk for so many hours to people who were complete strangers? I needed to make an impression, and I couldn’t wait for Seohyun to do it.

Getting up from my seat, I search the crowd for the first crimson jacket I can see, and happen to spot Ms. Sung chatting with a small family nearby. It was now or never.

I move towards Ms. Sung, focusing on my posture and the topics of conversation that I had planned as I ate my dinner earlier. By now, I figure I have enough to hold a decent conversation. Just as I see Ms. Sung notice me, I feel something bump into me, and I struggle to maintain my balance as I shift in an unexpected direction. I look at the woman who bumped into me, and I see her holding a near empty glass of red wine. She was the woman that I had seen earlier with the waiter, but her red face has a look of horror.

“Oh no dear. I’m so sorry.”

My mind makes the connection when I realize that her glass had been full only seconds ago when I watched her from afar. I can feel moisture on the right side of my lower body, and unable to hide from the truth, I look down at my dress to see a dark wet stain. I can see Ms. Sung from the corner of my eye with a shocked look, so much for leaving a good personal impression.

“I’ll pay for your dry cleaning,” the older woman insists. “I’m really sorry dear.”

Instinctively I want to lash out at her, but I remain calm. At least I can hear the sincerity in her voice, but maybe this wasn’t meant to be. How could I make a positive impression with a dirty dress and the smell of alcohol following me all over the place? The only thing people would remember me for is the massive stain, not my charm or my wit. I could feel disappointment and failure, two emotions that I resented, growing inside of me. I didn’t even want to try anymore. I wanted to go home. Where was Seohyun when I needed her?

“Yoona?”

It’s not Seohyun’s voice that I hear but I know its trouble. He emerges from a nearby crowd, with a neat but styled haircut, and towers over the shorter woman with his gold-rimmed glasses. His eyes are filled with concern, but I wonder whether he’s crossing me off from his list of potential recommendations.

“I’m so sorry Joseph,” the woman explains, “I accidentally bumped into this nice girl and ruined her dress. Is there a place to get her cleaned up?”

Joseph nods his head and I see a woman come from behind him in an elegant strapless black dress with an impressive diamond necklace. It had to be Mrs. Kwon. She sees the stain and without a second thought answers, “I’ll take care of it Mrs. Kim. Don’t worry.”

“Thanks so much,” the woman says as she moves aside. Her face has nothing but relief.

The woman with the necklace looks at Joseph and I can tell they exchange some form of information through their glances. He nods his head, surely to affirm something. “Follow me,” she says as she nudges me towards a set of stairs. I follow her lead and overhear a kid ask, “Mommy did that girl pee herself?”

I can feel my face warm from embarrassment.

Mrs. Kwon remains silent as she helps me up a flight of stairs to the second floor of the house. She guides me into a nearby room and flicks on the light to reveal a bed, a dresser, a desk, and a few stacked cardboard boxes by the doorway.

She stares at me, and as beautiful as I think she is, the only thing that I can think about is how this evening is going to end without me even making a positive impression.

“I’m Mrs. Kwon,” she says, “You are?”

“Yoona.”

“Well Yoona, don’t be too upset. Accidents happen. I’m going to go see if I can find you something to change into. We might have something in your size. I’ll be back.”

Without another word, she simply walks out of the room and I’m left to stare at myself in the mirror on the dresser.

My eyes are starting to tear up and I know it’s because this whole night was getting worse with each passing hour. How fitting that this would happen now and that my odds, as slim as they might be, were now even slimmer.

“Yoona?”

I look away from my reflection and see Joseph leaning against the doorway. He’s wearing a tailored suit with a crimson red bow tie. He looks apologetic. “I’m sorry about Mrs. Kim. She gets quite disoriented after a glass of wine.” He jokes, “I really shouldn’t have alcohol available for these types of student events.”

I remain silent, not quite sure how to respond. This was a problem that I had with him.

He speaks up. “I know it’s unfortunate, but we’ll get you cleaned up.”

“It’s embarrassing,” I blurt out. I can feel all my emotions starting to forego the formalities of the situation. “I shouldn’t even be here.”

Joseph raises an eyebrow. “And what makes you say that?”

I sit down on the bed and let out a defeated sigh as I run my fingers through my hair. I wipe my eyes to stop any tears from falling.

“Do you want me to look for Seohyun?”

“No.”

Joseph clears his throat to catch my attention as he walks into the room from the doorway. He removes his glasses and pulls out a red handkerchief from his pocket, and gently rubs each lens before he takes a spot against the wall across from where I sit.

“Do you know what I do for a living Yoona?”

“No I don’t.”

Joseph puts his glasses back on and looks at me with kind eyes. “I’m a senior partner for one of Korea’s biggest law firms. I know you probably don’t care, but I like to think I’m smart enough to know why you’re here.”

He clears his throat again. “My question is: do you know why you’re here Yoona?”

“I do. My best friend tricked me into coming here.”

Joseph gives a playful laugh. “Yes. I don’t doubt that’s true. Seohyun’s got the bit of cleverness in her, but that’s not the real reason.”

“Look, I know what you’re trying to do,” I blurt out in frustration. “You’re trying to boost my ego, tell me how I’m good enough to get into Harvard so that I go back into that room with a smile rather than swollen cheeks and red eyes. You want to build me up so I don’t make an even bigger idiot of myself. I get it.”

There’s a silence before Joseph gives me a smirk. “Yoona, I wasn’t going to say that at all. Haven’t you ever wondered why I was excited to meet you at the restaurant? Why I gave you my business card?”

I shrug.

“Every applicant that applies to our school needs to go through an extensive recruitment process. We want to get to know our future students, so that we can select the best, but it’s not the best students that we want, but the best people.”

“So you think I fit the mould?”

“Not at all,” he answers. “In fact, if I hadn’t read someone’s application, I would never give you the time of day.”

“Seohyun?”

Joseph nods his head. “One of the questions on the application asks you to name your three biggest influences. Do you know who she picked?”

“Einstein, Edison and Galileo?”

“Her father, her mother, and you.”

My heart skips a beat at the very notion.

“Do you also know that our application process asks people to write an autobiographical entry? She wrote about you in her application Yoona.”

“What’d she say?”

Joseph smirks. “I’m not allowed to give you that information, but it was nothing but praise, which is why I gave you my card.”

“Objection,” I half-joke. “You’re withholding critical information.”

He smiles. “That’s not how that works.”

We both laugh.

“Look Yoona. Seohyun thinks the world of you. That’s why you’re here. She probably tricked you because she believes you can do this.”

I hang my head in defeat. “I can’t do this. I told her I’m not like her a million times. I know what I can and cannot do. This is something I cannot do.”

Joseph shakes his head and remains silent. “Would you rather Seohyun think you can’t do it?”

I pause, but my mind steers me back in my original direction. “Yes, because I don’t want to disappoint her. I hate disappointing people. There’s nothing worse. My parents used to have a lot of expectations of me too and I never lived up to them. They wanted me to be a boy, but I was born a girl. They wanted me to be good at math, but I hated it once we got passed the multiplication table. They wanted me to be a doctor, but now they’ll be happy if I’m employed after I graduate from whatever university I get into. They learned, and understood, that I could only be so many things, and when they realized that, that’s when I finally felt free.”

“Yoona, do you honestly think that your parents don’t have high expectations of you even if they don’t say it out loud?”

I remain silent.

“Parents will always expect the best from their kids. That’s how they are.”

“Not if you let them down,” I interrupt.

“Wrong.” Joseph says it with such conviction that I almost feel like we’re in court. “They will always, always, think highly of you, because they love you.”

Joseph moves over to the bed and sits beside me. “I used to be like you. I hated expectations, because I thought: what was the point? Those people don’t know me. I know me. So I should just be me. My parents thought I was crazy. They would smack me when I told them I was happy with my top ten class rank, but they were far from satisfied. It wasn’t because they wanted me to be number one, but they felt like I could be number one if I really tried. They kept telling me and telling me that I could get there. I could be the best, and do you know what, Yoona?”

“They were right?”

“Nope, they were totally wrong, but there’s no shame in being number two,” he jokes.

I give him a faint smile and appreciate the moment, not as recruit to recruiter but as human being to another human being.

“My parents always told me that I could be the best, and expected nothing less because they based it off of how they perceived me. To them, I was a smart kid, capable of anything. How bad is it really for them to think that of their own son? To think that I can do those great things? It isn’t a negative at all – it’s a positive.”

Joseph pauses to let the idea stew in my head, because he’s a good lawyer.

“You see Yoona,” he continues with a smile. “When somebody places high expectations on you; it simply means that they believe you are capable of greatness. At the end of the day, the people that truly love you will always expect more from you. Welcome expectations, don’t shun them. If you fail, you fail, but sometimes our own expectations aren’t enough to get us to where we could be. Sometimes we need people to believe that we can be better, so that we can really learn to be better.”

I nod my head.

Joseph clears his throat and asks for the second time: “So, Yoona, why are you here?”

It’s funny how obvious the answer is after his talk. “It’s because Seohyun loves me.”

“Bingo,” he replies as he gets up from the bed with a look of satisfaction. “Try not to let her down, okay?”

“I’ll try.”

Mrs. Kwon comes into the room, almost on cue, and shows off a white cocktail dress. Joseph gives her a funny look and asks, “You were listening to us the whole time, weren’t you?”

She nods her head and he smiles from ear-to-ear.

“Alright, let’s see if you fit into this dress. It’s supposed to be for our niece, but it’s not like she’s going to be wearing it anytime soon,” Mrs. Kwon says with a cheery tone.

“Yuri’s going to be mad that you lent her dress to someone,” Joseph remarks, as he heads for the door.

“I’m sure she won’t mind if it’s a pretty girl like Yoona.”

Mrs. Kwon puts the dress down on the bed beside me, and then joins Joseph by the door. “If you need anything, Yoona, I’ll be outside. Joseph, I think you have dinner guests to talk to.”

I give them both a warm smile before they close the door. “Thanks for everything. I appreciate it. You guys are too nice.”

Joseph wants to say something but his wife interrupts him. Mockingly she replies, “That’s because we have a lot of great expectations for you, Yoona.”

I let out a burst of laughter and watch as they close the door.

Before I change, I hear the two of them exchange a short conversation.

“Joseph, I can’t believe you’re so cheesy!”

“Don’t lie, honey. You love it.”

*

The lighting in the common room is noticeably dimmer as I make my way down the steps with Mrs. Kwon. It doesn’t take long for me to hear the sound of a familiar voice, and I realize that it’s the person that I’ve been looking for.

Yuri’s dress fits perfectly and Mrs. Kwon seems satisfied as we reach the bottom of the steps. I catch a glimpse of the podium and see Seohyun giving a speech to everyone at the party. Joseph who’s waiting for us hands me a new glass of cider.

“I know Seohyun’s talking, but after her speech I’ll make sure you talk to some recruiters, alright?”

“Great,” I answer. “What is Seohyun even doing up there anyways?”

Thank you for listening. I hope you all have a great evening.

Joseph claps as Seohyun finishes her speech and I join in.

“You missed out. She was talking about the three biggest influences on her life. She was talking about you.”

“You’re kidding. What’d she say?”

Joseph laughs. “Like I said, I can’t tell you what she wrote about you.”

“But she just said it to this whole room.”

Joseph grins. “It doesn’t matter. What she said today was different from what she wrote. Maybe if you ask her nicely enough, she’ll read you what she really wrote.”

*