“Uh…hi?” Bomi replied, looking very confused. Eunji noticed with pain that Bomi’s eyes were rimmed with red, and whether it was because she had been crying or lacking in sleep didn’t matter. She felt a stab of remorse, knowing that she had played some part in Bomi’s condition.

Immediately, Bomi’s eyes fell on Eunji’s crutches and wrapped ankle, and she suddenly looked more alert. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“I fell off a treadmill,” Eunji replied simply. 

“You...what? When? Why? How?” Bomi sputtered. 

“My legs suddenly decided to stop cooperating. I’m fine, though. It’s nothing serious. Can I come in?” She held up the bag that she had been holding. “I have chicken.”

On the way to Bomi’s house, she had stopped by the restaurant that Namjoo had recommended. Eunji had figured that after the argument, Bomi hadn’t been able to touch the chicken that they were supposed to eat together. The fate of that takeout bag was beyond Eunji, but she just assumed that Namjoo had taken it, since she had been the last one holding it.

“Yes, of course.” Bomi took the bag out of Eunji’s hands and stepped aside for Eunji to escape the brisk winter air into the warm home. 

“What are you doing here, Eunji-ah?”

“I said that I have chicken.”

“I got that part. Why are you really here?”

Eunji removed her shoes, careful not to aggravate her injured ankle. Then she turned and looked at Bomi in the eyes. She saw the weariness in them. The worry, the despair, the fear―it was like that argument had completely destroyed her walls, and Bomi hadn’t bothered to try to build them up again.

“I know what you’re doing, Bomi,” said Eunji. “I want to thank you for it.”

Bomi blinked. “What am I doing?”

“You know what you’re doing. Just―thank you. And I really love you for it.”

“Well...you’re welcome.” Bomi went to place the bag on the counter. “But just to be clear, what are you talking about? I thought you were angry at me.” 

Eunji moved to the sofa and sat down with a relieved sigh, placing her crutches on the floor below her. She had forgotten how tiring using crutches was. “I was.”

Without even being asked, Bomi took an ice pack from the freezer and handed it to Eunji, who gratefully accepted it. She hefted her injured foot onto the sofa and pressed the ice pack against her swollen ankle, allowing the cold to provide its numbing relief.

Bomi sat down next to Eunji’s ankle. “And now you’re not angry anymore?” 

“No.” 

“What changed?”

“I fell off a treadmill.” 

“Did you hit your head? Is that why you changed your mind?” Bomi asked jokingly, though also a bit uneasily. 

“No, but I did some major reflecting while in the hospital.”

The older woman sharply perked up at that. “You went to the hospital?” 

“I might have also fainted when I fell off the treadmill.”

Bomi put a concerned hand on Eunji’s leg and looked at her with wide, concerned eyes. “Eunji-ah.”

“Caused quite a commotion at the gym, too.” 

“Eunji.”

Eunji lightly touched Bomi’s hand on her leg. “I’m fine, Unnie. It’s just a sprained ankle.” 

“You said you fainted!”

“I pushed myself too hard, that’s all. I didn’t come here to talk about how I made a fool of myself and can never go back to that gym again.”

“Then why did you come?” Bomi asked softly, like she was scared of what Eunji would say next.

On the way there, Eunji had rehearsed what she would say to Bomi, but now, as she sat beside Bomi and took in her worried, red-rimmed eyes, Eunji’s planned speech slipped from her mind. What could she say, to let Bomi know that she was beyond grateful for what she had been doing and how sorry Eunji was for being oblivious to it? There was no way to put into words how grateful yet remorseful Eunji felt.

“I’m sorry, Bbom-ah,” Eunji finally said. “You were just trying to protect us, and I...I just made you seem like a bad person for caring about us.”

“It’s my fault for not telling you guys,” said Bomi in a quiet voice that sounded like she was placing all of the blame on herself. It broke Eunji’s heart. When the members had teamed up against Bomi, they had basically kicked an already down puppy.

“Stop. Please, don’t apologize anymore than you should. There’s no shame in protecting the people you love.” 

“I lied to you guys.” 

“Because you were looking out for us.” 

“I still lied to you guys,” Bomi murmured. “I’ve been talking so much about our bond and the trust we have for each other, and yet here I am...the one who broke it. That makes me the biggest hypocrite, doesn’t it? I was so focused on making sure that the team stayed intact and that no one would have to suffer more than they’d have to. But in the end, I lost sight of what I was doing, and I lied to you all. By trying to fix what had been broken, I…, ” Bomi’s voice cracked, and Eunji could see how truly vulnerable Bomi was. “I shattered it into even more pieces, and I’m scared that I won’t be able to pick them back up. I’m scared, Eunji. I’m scared I won’t be able to fix it.”

“You don’t have to fix it on your own,” Eunji replied. “You said it yourself, didn’t you? We’re a team. A family. Whatever has to be fixed, we’ll do it together.” She squeezed Bomi’s hand. “Families fight sometimes, but they always end up making up.”

“It won’t be the same after.”

“Maybe not for a while, but we’ll heal together. That’s what we always do.” Eunji shifted closer to Bomi, who looked like she was fighting back tears. “You don’t have to shoulder the burden on your own, Bomi. You don’t have to feel obligated to take Chorong-unnie’s place just because you’re the second oldest.”

Bomi only stared at Eunji, like she had just been caught. 

“That’s what I was referring to earlier. Bbom-ah, I see what you’re doing. Chorong-unnie has always put the team before her and has set aside her own feelings, time, and pleasure for our sakes. That’s what you’ve been doing, isn’t it?  I’m stupid for not realizing it earlier, and I’m so sorry for letting you suffer on your own for so long, but you won’t have to anymore. Because I’m right here. I always will be. So let me take some of the burden for you.”

On Eunji’s lap, Bomi’s fingers shakily curled into a ball as she took an equally shaky breath.

“Bomi, I want you to answer truthfully.” Eunji grasped Bomi’s small hand in hers. “Are you okay?”

Bomi looked down. That itself was enough of an answer. 

“You’ve let me and all the other members lean on you. It’s time for you to let yourself lean on someone else.”

“It’s hard,” Bomi said eventually. “It’s so hard and lonely. I don’t know how Chorong-unnie has done it the past nine years. But then every time I think about that, I think about how she never really had a choice. I think about how lonely and stressful it must have been for her. How can I expect her to carry all these burdens when I myself can’t even do it? I’ve only been doing it for a few weeks, but she’s been doing it for nine years. It breaks my heart to imagine her suffering alone for so long.”

“You’re not alone on that one. I’ve been thinking about that too, and it’s been killing me inside. When Chorong-unnie wakes up, I’m going to make sure that she never has to struggle on her own again. If you and I share that same notion, I’m pretty sure that the other members do too. We’ll work together to make it happen.”

Bomi bit her lip and nodded, then whispered something so quietly that Eunji couldn’t hear it. 

“What did you say?”

When Bomi looked up, her eyes were b with tears, and her lips were trembling. “I miss her so much, Eunji.” Of all the things that Bomi had said before, those six words were filled with the most grief, emotion, and vulnerability. A single tear rolled down her cheek, and that was the start of the torrent of tears that followed. 

Immediately, Eunji took her leg off the sofa, ignoring the sharp pain that shot through her ankle when she set it down onto the floor, and scooted closer to Bomi. Just like how Bomi had done that night a few weeks ago, Eunji wrapped her arms around Bomi and pulled the crying woman closer to her. 

“Why did this have to happen?” Bomi said through her sobs. “It’s so unfair. We were supposed to be celebrating the success of our concert and preparing for our year-end performances, but here we are, hiding from the press and praying for our leader to wake up.”

Eunji soothingly pat Bomi’s back as her own heart broke more and more with Bomi’s words.

Bomi lifted her face a little to wipe her tears, though that barely did anything, since her cheeks were wet with tears again within a second. “Christmas is in a few weeks, too. You know, I’ve been praying for a Christmas miracle. I never really do that, but God...I’d do anything for Unnie to wake up soon. It shouldn’t have been her. It should have been…” 

She didn’t finish that sentence. She only trailed off, like she didn’t want to admit what she had been about to admit, but Eunji caught it and immediately went rigid.

“It should have been who?” Eunji demanded. “You? How would that have made things any better?”

Bomi pulled away, finally revealing her messy, tear-stained and puffy face. “She saved my life. Chorong-unnie pushed me out of the way. If she hadn’t done that...If I hadn’t been in danger…”

She saved my life. Of all the most obvious details, how had Eunji missed that? She knew that Chorong had pushed Bomi away. She could still see it clearly in her mind. So why had she never thought about it like that? Chorong had saved Bomi’s life, so of course Bomi was taking this harder than any of them. And yet Bomi had hidden all of this pain this whole time, for their sakes.

“Do you wish that it was you who got hit instead of Chorong-unnie? When Mr. Park implied that he’d rather have someone else in that hospital bed, did you think of yourself?”

Bomi almost looked ashamed. “How could I not have? She pushed me out of the way. If it hadn’t been her, it would have been me.” 

“And, again, how would that have made things any better?” Eunji asked a bit harsher than she had intended.

“I don’t know!” Bomi cried, “I just know that Chorong-unnie doesn’t deserve to be in that hospital bed.”

“And you do? Bbom-ah, whether it was you or Chorong-unnie or any one of us who had gotten hit wouldn’t have made a difference. We’d still be acting the same way as we are now: angry, sad, worried, and whatever else everyone is feeling. None of us are dispensable. You said it yourself, didn’t you? Apink without one of our members would not be the same. We’d still be Apink, but we wouldn’t be able to function in the same way.”

Bomi faltered for a second. “This accident shouldn’t have happened.”

“All accidents aren’t meant to happen. That’s the definition of an accident.”

“I know, but…”

“When Namjoo was blaming herself after that incident with Mr. Park, what did you tell her?”

“That it wasn’t her or any of our faults.” Then Bomi blinked with realization. “Wait, how did you know that?”

“I might have been eavesdropping,” Eunji dismissed with a wave of her hand. “The point is that you said that it wasn’t any of our faults. There was nothing we could have done to prevent what had happened from happening. You need to extend that same courtesy to yourself.”

“I know that. Or my brain knows that, but my heart doesn’t. My brain believes in one thing and my heart believes in the other. It’s hard, trying not to think like that. I’ve been trying to act like I have everything together so that maybe, just maybe, I can trick myself into believing that it’s actually true. But it’s not. It’s so far from the truth. I’m hurting so much inside, Eunji, and no matter how much I try to act like I’m not, it doesn’t go away. It’s like I’m broken inside.”

The raw truth in Bomi’s confession and the fact that she had been hiding these horrible feelings from the others for so long made Eunji’s tears finally surface. A rebellious teardrop ran down her cheek, but she ignored it and said, “Bomi…”

“What if Chorong-unnie has been experiencing this broken feeling this whole time?” Bomi’s voice choked, “I think about that too, and then I realize that it’s not a matter of ‘what if’. She’s been doing this for nine years. There is no ‘what if’.” 

Eunji couldn’t help the silent tears that were now falling from her eyes. 

“Chorong-unnie has suffered for our sakes for so long and now she has to suffer even more. This isn’t fair.”

“Life is never fair,” Eunji said gently. “You’re right. Chorong-unnie has suffered for our sakes, and she doesn’t deserve to be in that hospital bed. Everything that’s happening right now is so messed up and cruel. But you shouldn’t be wishing that it was you in a coma instead because of that. You know that wouldn’t make things any better.”

“It’s what I would have owed Chorong-unnie.” 

That statement...the mere fact that Bomi had even thought about something like that terrified Eunji. “No. Please, don’t ever think like that. Let’s say it had been you who had gotten hit. Would Chorong-unnie not be still suffering? She’d be living the nightmare that we are all living right now. Is that what you would have wanted?”

Bomi considered it for a second, then looked down at her hands again sadly. “No…” 

“When you broke up that fight between Namjoo and Hayoung, what did you say to Hayoung about what Apink would be without one of us?”

“I compared us to a three-legged dog. We’d still be alive, but we wouldn’t be able to work at the same capacity.”

“Right. And in retrospect, that analogy was a bit too morbid, and as an avid dog lover, I’m going to have to ask you to never make me imagine a handicapped dog ever again.” Eunji reached over and brushed away some of Bomi’s tears. “But that’s besides the point. Bomi, I know you miss Chorong-unnie. We all do. But please don’t wish that it was you in that hospital bed. We’d all still be suffering the same, because it’d still be someone we love laying in a coma.”

Bomi sniffed and slowly lifted a finger to wipe away Eunji’s tears. She didn’t say anything for a while; she only chewed on her lip and looked at Eunji’s injured ankle, the wet blotch on her shirt, and finally her eyes. Then she bit her lip and nodded her head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize either.”

“I’m talking about the snot stain on your shirt.”

Eunji looked down, and, indeed, there was a large, wet blotch on her shirt. “It’s alright. I did the same to your shirt the other night. We can match now.”

“I burned that shirt right after you left.”

Eunji laughed. “Shut up. You love that shirt.”

“You’re right. I did wash it three times, though,” Bomi grinned. Then she glanced down at her fingers, fiddling with her nails. “Do you think Hayoung-ah and Namjoo-ah will forgive me?”

“Of course they will. They’ll come around eventually. They can’t stay angry, especially if it’s at you.” At the last part, Bomi raised a curious brow, but didn’t object.

“They love you, and being angry doesn’t mean they’ve stopped loving you.” Eunji the older woman’s hair softly. “I mean, Naeun and I came around, didn’t I?”

“I guess…Thank you, Eunji-ah.” Bomi gave a meek smile and used the collar of her shirt to wipe her runny nose. “God, we really need to keep a box of tissues out here.”

“You really do. Too many shirts are being sacrificed.”

“I’ll be right back,” uttered Bomi and got up, probably to find some tissues. Sure enough, she returned with a box of tissues in her hand. After a moment of blowing her nose and drying her tears, Bomi said, “Eunji.”

“Yeah?”

“Would you like to stay over tonight?”

Eunji paused. Bomi had spoken so softly and shyly, like she had been embarrassed to ask.

“It’s been difficult sleeping in an empty house,” Bomi admitted reluctantly. “I know it sounds stupid, since Chorong-unnie is usually the one who struggles with sleeping, but it’s hard sleeping knowing that Chorong-unnie’s not in her room.” She hesitated before continuing, “I’ve been having terrible nightmares lately. The worst ones are about Chorong-unnie never waking up. I’ve even tried sleeping in her room to see if it helps, but it doesn’t really. God, I sound so pathetic, but―”

“I’ll stay over,” Eunji cut in. “I knew it must have been difficult for you at night. That’s why I asked if you wanted me to stay the other night. You said no, and I got worried, but now...I’ll stay over tonight and for as many nights as you need me to.”

“You might have to stay for an eternity.”

“Well, we lived together for almost seven years, so I’m pretty much used to it.”

Bomi chuckled lightly. “Thank you, Eunji-ah.”

“I’m the one who should be thanking you.” Using her arms, Eunji repositioned herself on the sofa. “I do have one request, though.”

“What is it?” 

“Can you bring that bag of chicken over here? I’m starving.”