Eunji’s least favorite time of the day was waking up.

It was always such a struggle finding the energy to roll out of bed, wash up, and get ready for her day. Between Trot Lover’s filming and Apink’s group schedules, Eunji rarely had time for herself. These days, the most she’d sleep was three to four hours. 

She couldn’t really complain, though. She had accepted the lead role in the drama knowing that it would be difficult to balance her job as an actress and as a member of Apink. Before going into it, she had thought that she would be able to handle it, but as time wore on and the amount of sleep she got dwindled, she felt herself wearing out.

Just a few more weeks, she told herself. Just a few more weeks until filming was over.

That seemed to be enough encouragement for her to force herself out of bed and quietly pad out of the room she shared with Bomi. When she peeked at the comfortably sleeping girl, Eunji couldn’t help but feel some bitter jealousy that Bomi was able to enjoy a full night’s sleep. It had been so long since she had last gotten a good night’s sleep, and Eunji wondered how it felt. 

The dorm was drowned in darkness, since it was still dark out. Eunji’s only source of light and guidance to the bathroom was the soft light coming from Chorong’s room. Their leader always had to sleep with a light on, otherwise she’d suffer from terrible nightmares.

“Eunji-ah?” 

Eunji nearly jumped at the sudden soft voice that had come from the shadows. “Who is it?”

“It’s me, Chorong.”

Eunji flicked on the lights in the bathroom so she could see the other girl. Once her eyes adjusted to the sudden light, a slightly distorted image of Chorong came into view. Without her glasses, Eunji could only make out the basic features of Chorong’s face, like her eyes, eyebrows, and small lips.

“Why are you awake, Unnie?” Eunji whispered.

“I just happened to be awake.”

“It’s five in the morning.”

“Is it? I didn’t notice.” 

Eunji chuckled softly and began tying back her hair to wash her face.

“When are you going to be back from filming?” Chorong asked.

“Around eight.”

“We have to film for Showtime, remember.”

Eunji let the sink run to warm up the water as she massaged her face scrub onto her skin. “At nine, I know.”

“Eunji-ah,” Chorong said in that stern tone that she always took up when giving orders.

Chorong’s lowered voice made Eunji pause and look up at her from the sink.

“Please be back on time,” her leader said, though it sounded more like a command than a request. 

It almost sounded like Chorong was doubting Eunji. The younger girl felt a flare of annoyance in her chest. Chorong wasn’t the one losing sleep while trying to juggle two stressful schedules, so who was she to tell Eunji to be punctual? The last few weeks, Chorong had been cautiously warning Eunji to be mindful of her duties to Apink, and it had annoyed her more than it advised her. Didn’t Chorong know that Eunji already knew these things? She didn’t need to be reminded that she had two jobs to balance.

Still, Eunji swallowed her irritation and merely nodded. “I got it, Unnie.”

She didn’t make it back on time, as it turned out. Filming had run longer than the crew had anticipated, so it was past twelve when Eunji got back. When she had found out that she wouldn’t be able to make it in time to film for Showtime, she had called Chorong. Her leader had said that it was fine, but Eunji had sensed exasperation and disappointment in Chorong’s words. 

The director hadn’t intended on running past ten, but they had come across some technical issues. He had even urged the actors to go home, but they all wanted to get the scene over with so they wouldn’t have to deal with it later. We’re already here, they had said, let’s just finish it.

Eunji entered the dorm as quietly as she could and was readying herself for another hour of attempting to silently prepare for bed. It had been like this for the past few months; every night, she’d try to make as little noise as possible to not wake the other members. Everytime, she felt like she was a teenager trying to slip back into the house after sneaking out without her parents knowing.

So when she found the living room lights still on and Chorong sitting on the sofa, reading, Eunji almost thought that she was an intruder.

“It’s past midnight,” Chorong said flatly, setting down her book.

“Sorry, Mom,” Eunji replied jokingly. “Are Dad and my dongsaengs asleep already?” 

Chorong didn’t laugh. “Bomi and the others are asleep.” 

Eunji felt like she already knew the answer, but she asked anyway, “Why aren’t you?”

“I was waiting for you.”

“Am I in trouble?” Eunji set her bag down on the counter and walked to the fridge.

“I need to talk to you, Eunji-ah.” 

Eunji kept her back to Chorong, not quite ready to turn around and show her leader the scowl that had found its mark on Eunji’s face. She had known that this conversation was coming, but now of all times? It was late, and all she wanted to do was eat and go to sleep. She had no interest in being scolded for not keeping her priorities straight. 

“It’s about your commitment,” Chorong said. 

Eunji took a deep breath, then turned to face the older girl. “What about it?”

“I know things have been very stressful lately with your drama, but you have to keep in mind that you are as much of a member of Apink as you are the lead actress of your drama. Lately, you’ve been skipping group activities for your filming, and it’s been affecting the group. Earlier you promised that you’d be back in time to film Showtime, but you ended up having to cancel. This isn’t the first time this has happened, Eunji-ah.” 

Eunji tried to control the annoyance in her voice, “What am I supposed to do? Tell the director and the whole cast that we have to stop filming at a certain time because I have somewhere else to be? I don’t really have power over that, Unnie.” 

“I know that,” sighed Chorong. “Just remember that you are a member of Apink and whatever you do will have consequences on the whole group.” 

Ever since Eunji had begun acting, she had begun to hear those words from Chorong a lot. At first, it had been a cautious warning that Eunji took earnestly, but now it was just becoming redundant. 

“I already know that,” Eunji said, a bit sharper than she had intended.

Chorong frowned at Eunji’s defensiveness. “Eunji-ah, you have every right to become an actress. I can’t and I won’t stop you from pursuing that path. But you must keep in mind that you will also always be Eunji of Apink, and whatever Eunji the actress does will affect whatever Eunji of Apink does.” 

“Do you know how hard it is for me to balance both?” Eunji snapped. “I’m trying, Unnie.”

“I can’t say that I know how difficult it is,” replied Chorong calmly. “But you should have known how difficult it would be before taking up the role.” 

“Don’t make promises I can’t keep. That’s what you’re telling me to do, isn’t it?”

Chorong gave Eunji a hard look. “Those were not my words.” 

“Oh, but that’s what you meant. You’re telling me that if I can’t handle this, then I should drop all dreams of being an actress and devote all my time to Apink. That before anything else, I am Eunji of Apink.” Eunji tried to keep her voice low to not disturb the others, but it was difficult with her rising temper. “I hadn’t realized that when I signed onto Apink that it was a soul-binding contract.”

Chorong looked genuinely hurt by Eunji’s last statement, and Eunji immediately regretted saying it. She had just implied that she felt that Apink was holding her back, but that wasn’t the case at all. She was lucky enough to be under a company that advocated for her individual work; if anything, Apink had expanded her horizons.

“If you dislike it so much,” her leader said slowly, like she was dreading her next words, “then do you want to end your contract?”

Eunji froze. Just the mere thought of ending her contract and leaving Apink sent a tremor through her body. No, she thought, never in a million years. Never in a million years would I quit Apink. Their journey had just started, and no matter what, Eunji wanted to see it through till the end. 

“I’m tired of constantly being reminded of my responsibilities,” she muttered. “I don’t need to be told of what I should be doing. I’m not a child. I can handle my own business without you breathing down my back.”

In Chorong’s eyes were raw worry and apprehension. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Despite the growing guilt in Eunji’s stomach, she replied coldly, “I didn’t think I needed to. You’re the leader. You supposedly know everything.” 

Fear flashed in Chorong’s eyes, and Eunji knew that she was imagining what would happen if Eunji left the group. Yookyung had left recently, and it had taken a while for the group to adjust. With Chorong’s steady leadership, they were able to smooth over the empty hole that Yookyung had left, and now, Eunji knew that Chorong was wondering how she’d be able to do it again.

But Eunji didn’t soothe the leader’s worries. No, she was too annoyed with the older girl to try to make her feel better. So she just grabbed her bag from the counter and walked away swiftly to her room, mumbling a quick, “Good night, Unnie.”

If Eunji could take back what she had said that day, she would in a heartbeat. Even though the argument had been years ago and they had long since made up, Eunji still felt terrible about it. She could still see Chorong’s expression vividly; the true terror and vulnerability in Chorong’s paled face when she had believed that Eunji was going to leave Apink had engrained itself into Eunji’s brain permanently. It served as a horrible reminder of what Eunji had said, as well as a reminder of how much Chorong truly cared about Apink and the members.

Eunji had always wanted Chorong to be able to relax a little bit more, but had she ever acted upon that wish? Not really. But that could change. Eunji just had to take the first step. Taking some of the pressure off of the leader so she could breathe a bit easier…it had to start one way or another. 

After she had run herself to the point of fainting, Eunji had been taken to the hospital. Luckily, she had left with only a sprained ankle and a sore body. As much as Eunji tried not to apply to much pressure on her sprained ankle, each step sent a searing pain across her ankle. Her walking had turned into a mix of a lopsided hobble and uneasy hopping, so she had to rely heavily on crutches for the next couple of days, but it could have been so much worse. 

The doctor had advised her to go home to rest and ice her ankle, but Eunji had something more important to do. That was how she found herself in front of Bomi’s house after she had been discharged from the hospital.

You can’t keep running away from it forever. Eunji didn’t know how Naeun had suddenly become so good at giving mysterious advice, but she was glad that Naeun had said those words to her. They had taken Eunji to Bomi’s front door, even if it had taken some running to get her there.

In that argument a few years ago, Chorong had only been looking out for Eunji and Apink. She had been doing her job as the leader, and Eunji had made her feel guilty about it. She had made it seem like it had been a crime for Chorong to care about her. She wasn’t going to allow the same thing to happen with Bomi.

Even though Eunji was still upset that Bomi had lied, she wasn’t going to let Bomi suffer on her own when she had only been trying to look out for the others. After Hayoung had stormed out of the practice room, Bomi’s devastated expression had hit too close to home for Eunji, because it had been an exact copy of what Chorong’s expression had been like back then. After she and Chorong had made up, Eunji had vowed never to let Chorong have a reason to look like that again. Thinking back, she should have extended that vow to all of the members.

Bomi’s intentions had been pure, as were all of her intentions, and she didn’t deserve to be punished for them. The past few weeks, Bomi had been all of the members’ crying shoulders. She had allowed Eunji to cry in her arms and stain her shirt, and how had Eunji repaid her? By shunning her. Vilifying her. Essentially showing her that though she had been everyone’s crying shoulder, she had none of her own.

Eunji took a deep breath to calm her rapidly beating heart. Why was she nervous? She shouldn’t be. This was Bomi, the most soft-hearted person in the world.

And yet Eunji’s hand still shook a bit when she raised it to knock on the door. She had contemplated just entering the code and letting herself in, but she had decided against it. 

She knocked three times, but there was no response, so she knocked a few more times. 

Still no response.

She was beginning to get worried. Why wasn’t Bomi coming out? Had she gone somewhere?

Eunji had just pulled out her phone to call Bomi when she heard a click, and the door opened slowly. 

“Hey,” Eunji said with a soft smile.