It feels terrible.

"Dahyun-ah! Are you okay?"

God . . It hurts.

"Dahyun-ah!"

"Breath, Dahyun-ah! Inhale, exhale.. inhale.. exhale.."

"Call the paramedic!"

Don't touch me . .

"Don't worry, Dahyun-ah! They'll help you!!"

******************

When I'm awake, Eunjung-unnie has already staring at me. She's gently touch my cheek and her smile is beaming. She's so pretty. I'll grow up like her someday. I'll go taller like her and other girls will envy me so much.

"Dahyun-ah~ You believe in me, right??"

"Ofcourse, unnie!"

"Good, girl~~ I have a gift for you!"

"What is it?"

"Just close your eyes! No peeking!"

I close my eyes. "Can I open my eyes?"

"Oh my god! You'd just closed them, honey~!!"

"Okay."

"Wait~~ Here you go!"

As I open my eyes, a pair of hands suddenly strangling me. The hands are thin. A woman's.

I try to focus on her face, ignoring the pain, but only her silluette who appears on my eyes.

The pain is too hard to be ignored anymore when I feel that I'm starting to get less and less of air while all I can see is red.

****************

"Kim Dahyun-ssi! Can you hear me? Kim Dahyun-ssi!"

"We get her back!"

"Kim Dahyun-ssi? Can you hear me?"

"Oh, no! She's out again!"

"KIM DAHYUN-SSI!!!"

****************

I could see Mom's tired face when I open my eyes. She's crying. Dad's too.

"Wow. You both should see your faces right now. E to the pic."

"Shut up! How could you still making joke at times like this?!"

Mom blows his nose to her handkerchief loudly, then she hits Dad's arm. "Go find the doctor!"

Dad just leaves right away. He obeys Mom so much, doesn't he?

Being alone just with her like this makes me more brave than before. "Hey, Mom."

"Hush, now. You need some rest! I'll speak to your sajangnim to cut your schedule! You must be so tired, right? You just need more-"

"What was exactly happened 4 years ago?"

It's not a mistake. Mom's face color dries up just like an empty soda's can that you would just crush before you throw them away. "What . . what are you talking about?"

"You know what? I can't remember anything from my childhood up to 4 years ago."

"So what? Not all people can remember it too!"

"And I have to consume Topiramate and Venlafaxine for five years already. They prescribe 1 bottle per month and all have numbers on it. This month is 59th. I understand that Topiramate is for my seizure, but the other one? It's for treating depression, apparently! Social disorder? Panic disorder?"

"Dahyun-ah-"

"Since when I've got this disorder thing? How? What happened?" mom doesn't answer. She looks dejected. "And how on earth you can hide this all from me?? Do you know how many night terrors that I have been having for this four years already??"

"Dahyun-ah . ."

"Quit your Dahyun-ah Dahyun-ah!" I try to wake up, but my head feels hurt.

"Omo. Dahyun-ah!"

I brush her hands away from me. "You said 4 years ago Eunjung-unnie met with this woman. Her life met a turnover and not in a good way, right? And funny thing is my medication was started from the same time too. Coincidentally, Eunjung-unnie's therapy happened from that time too because you'd drove us off at the same hospital!"

Mom is starting to tear up. This time is the real tears, which I find completely different with the one before. This one is more filled with fatigue, lost and regrets.

"If your tears is for shutting me up, I'd laugh. Weirdly, your tears is not bringing any feeling from me, except suspicious."

"They had met 8 years ago." Mom starts to speak up. "She's a lot older than Eunjung, so I think she'll be a good influence which at that time, Eunjung was diagnosed with BPD."

"What's BPD?"

"Emotionally unstable. Her mood swings is a top knotch and your father and I were decided to do the therapy for her. Even her therapist was needed to keep a police officer in the same room to make a safe environtment during their sessions." Mom sighs deeply. "But instead of getting better, she's gotten worse. She was being hostile. She'd hit me, kicked your father, screamed at anything, at anyone . . . We were at lost . . .

Until he came around . . . She got involed with one man, rich one. We thought hey, maybe marriage was the key! Just send her off to wedding! . . . But he didn't married her, yet he turned her as a drug addict . . I don't know for details what they had done together, I just did not want to know anymore. I ignored her existence, pretending she was invisible. And that's biggest my mistake.

I know you were liking your big sister. She's like a role model for you and you would follow her to anywhere. And she introduced them to you. I don't know what she had told you at that time, but you're completely smitten by her. . . I knew that they were troubles, but they were important to Eunjung-unnie's life. . . . she, she is important, still.

I could grab the reasons why she'd left him and chosen to do those things with her for years. She adores "that person". To the extreme way, where perhaps Love is not enough to explain it anymore . . where letting she choked you nearly to death in front of my eyes was something that Eunjung were able to forgive easily at that time, and where being separated is still not the answer to erase her feelings . . . I wonder if being in love could numbing all your senses to a point where everything or everyone is not important anymore, and being with that person is the best gift that you could giving up your own life for . . . And that was how Eunjung nearly died because she slits open her wrist on your 15th birthday's cake . . . And-"

I could feel something is literary being lifted from my chest. How even I could see that I'm shaking of fear as the memory knocks over my consiousness and those memories are just barged in.

"Dahyun-ah! Why you're crying?"

"Unnie . . you're bleeding . ."

"Oh? This? It's okay~ You're cake is soooo boring! Look! I'll decorate it! Look! Look!"

"Mom!! Mommy?? Dad??"

"Shhhh!! Let them be~ Let's just enjoy this pretty cake now!"

"Mommy! Unnie is bleeding!! Help!"

"Shhh!! Dahyun-ah~ shhh!! Hush! I'm okay~ Let's just eat this cake~"

"O MY GOD! GET THE OFF FROM YOUR SISTER!"