[2010 - 2014]

A love like war
- three times Kim Jaejoong couldn’t hide his feelings and one time Jung Yunho finally gives him an answer -

[Kim Jaejoong]

2010 – For you it’s goodbye (for me it’s waiting)

Jaejoong is tired from days of neverending practise and when he goes down the stairs that connect the backstage with the real stage and meets the screaming crowd in front of him, he suddenly feels lonely.
Despite being holding a concert, he feels alone for the first time in his whole career, stuck in the middle of a dark ocean. There is this hidden emotion he doesn’t manage to name, but deep inside he knows it’s because something is missing. Someone is missing.

The melody begins and he finds himself following its rhythm. In spite of the heaviness he feels on his heart, everything looks the same and he relies on that sense of familiarity to go on. The world looks exactly the same it did years ago and he wonders if he’s the only one that has changed and that now sees everything from a different prospective.
But something is missing, someone is missing, on the stage as well as in his life, and it is impossible to avoid the emptiness it comes with, even though he seems to be the only one noticing it.
He must be crazy.
Or perhaps, just broken.

Except for your empty space
Everything is the same
My heart must be broken

It is difficult to accept the consequences of your actions, even more the effects of the ones you were almost forced to take, obliged by external conditions that didn’t really leave you any choice.
And it hurts more, because he would have never taken those decisions, he would have never left, if it wasn’t for the injustices they were being treated with. He would have always stayed by their side.
By his side.

Jaejoong hides his fighting emotions behind the sweetness of his voice.
Maybe, one day, when they will have overcome all the hate and misunderstandings, when stupid company policies won’t come in between friendship and love anymore, maybe, that day, he will come looking for him and Jaejoong will welcome him with a waterfall of tears. But they will be tears of joy.

I sent you away
But my waiting has just begun

Maybe his struggles will be useless, and he won’t meet his eyes in the same secret way he used to do before.
Maybe his waiting will be vain, and his hand won’t squeeze his shoulder anymore, in that reassuring way he used to do so much.
Or maybe he will be forgotten and he will become nothing more than a lost memory among thousands.
But maybe, one day, that day will come and then all the years of waiting and yearning will have been worth it.

Be happy my love
Until that day, forever that day (when we can be together)

It’s ok to forget, for now, hiding the desire behind a broken smile.
It’s ok to make new friends, he believes, repressing the green eye monster he used to feel so much.
It’s ok to move on.
In order to be happy, in order to overcome the unbearable pain of an unwanted separation: it’s ok to fall in love again.

I want you to forget me
Don't hesitate

And while Jaejoong is singing the last notes of the sad ballad that made everyone’s eyes teary _changing the meaning of the whole song with the final words_ he realises something that makes his heart tremble in the chilling air of the night: despite what the future will hold for them, their love is strong enough to survive.

For now

***

2011 – Nine

Jaejoong is lying on the blankets of his bed, eyes closed, while his mind runs from thought to thought, remembering a past he doesn’t seem willing to forget. He counts on his hands the days that went by, the months that passed without him even realising it and he touches the skin of his chest, there where it beats, feeling the same heaviness over his heart.

Time passes but he’s unable to forget and unable to go on.
He’s stuck in a limbo, alone, tormented by regrets and what ifs, disillusioned by a present he never wanted and by a future he doesn’t believe in anymore.

My heart is hot, it’s beating and I keep crying
What should I do?
Should I go to you and kneel before you?

Sometimes he thinks back before the past few years, to that time when it was so easy to smile and so unusual to cry. That time when a soft kiss between his hair would have put him to sleep and a caress on his cheek would have woken him up the following morning.
However, he’s very aware of the fact that they are just memories which belong to a time he won’t ever get back to, a happiness he took for granted, a love he didn’t fight enough for.
Reminiscing, he finds himself thinking about those words he has always felt but that maybe he hasn't showed that much. Maybe, if he had said an “I love you” more, he wouldn’t be crying over their broken relationship now, trying to let go of something too attached to his heart to ever manage to.
Jaejoong whispers to the darkness of the room, only witness of the loneliness of his heart, as if the now spoken words could fill the empty spaces of those he didn’t say.

We know now- we don’t have to say it to know
We just need to shout everyday for the yesterdays that aren’t far away
I’m sorry I couldn’t speak- I love you

However, something grows inside of him, slowly, a strange sense of awareness that fights his previous thoughts. He doesn’t want to let go.
He rolls over the messy sheets and takes the smarphone on the nightstand, unlocking it. A picture of them looks back at him, hands touching and eyes searching for each other. It was taken sometime back in 2008, before the promotion of their 3rd album Mirotic: they were fighting for the last piece of meat and the playfulness and intimacy were carefully immortalized in the picture by a sneeky Yoochun.
He smiles, holding back the tears he feels itching behind his eyes, and digits the numbers he came to know by heart. He waits until the device starts making the regular call tone before hanging up, as always. He doesn’t even know why he does so, maybe it’s his way of staying sane.
He calls, but never lets the smartphone ring enough for the other to hear it. He’s not that brave.
He tries to build some bridges between them, but burns them down before they can even reach the other and because of that his feelings and words remain unspoken under the rubbles.

I tried calling multiple times
I worried about what I would say
Without me knowing
When I sleep and wake up,
I keep searching for you

Jaejoong closes his phone and leaves it on the bed, getting up and opening the curtains to a new day.
He finds it extremely hard to endure the pain the separation left him with. Some days he cannot even manage to get out of the bed. But not today.
Different shades of red colour the sky among which the sun will rise in some minutes. He looks at the horizon and wonders about that tiny line that separates Earth from the sky, dividing and connecting at the same time those two worlds so different from each other.
He wishes he could be rain, reaching both edges with its tiny drops.

He comes to think that they are not so different from them: so close, yet so far apart.
While the sun makes its way in the world of the livings, Jaejoong promises himself something.
He cannot change the past and he cannot take back those nine years they shared together; he cannot fight for it anymore, but what he can do is fight for their future, a bright future he wants to believe in while falling asleep at the end of the day.
He can keep the faith for both of them and he can hold on to that tiny string that still connects them: so fragile, yet so strong.

Wait for me- let’s not get too far apart
I will promise to the world in front of me

***

2013 – Though I loved you (remake of Kim Kwang Seok)

Jaejoong has never thought it could be possible but it is 2013 and he is holding his first solo concert. He has also never thought he could have ever lived a day without seeing Yunho’s smiling face, but it has already been three years and his features have started to fade away in his mind. Sometimes he finds himself drawing them, but he always stop as soon as he realises he’s beginning to forget them, afraid he will fail to remember them completely if he decides to go on.

It’s a starry night, that night, and Jaejoong smiles in the night sky, breathing in that new adventure. He takes the microphone in his hands and holds it very tightly as the melody begins.
It’s a sad melody, again, this new album conceiving all the emotions he has been feeling for quite some time. Those same emotions he used to cheerish so much, but that lately, in his dull and lonely life, seem nothing more than a memory to envy.
Love. How hard is it to love?

Sometimes I will shed tears longing for you
Sometimes my heart will twinge with loneliness
Though I loved you

And he has loved. How much he has loved.
Jaejoong is one of those people that don't seem able to love in a normal way: either they love too much or they don’t love at all.
And it was good, it was funny, it was sweet, but when problems got in the way and small disagreements turned into fights, caresses and kisses into screams and tears, he realised he didn’t want all of that for neither of them. They didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve that.
It all just started with a small misunderstanding that somehow blowed up into that lawsuit before any of them could make something about it and when Jaejoong saw all the pain he was causing him, he decided to let go.
And in that very moment, he chose to leave.
He chose to stop.
He chose to love a little bit less,
for the sake of them both.

I was just only able to look at you from afar
Unable to come close

Though I wanted to remain close by your side
I had no choice but to leave

Jaejoong thinks of Yunho in the chilly air of the night, a black sweater on his torso and a purple shade between his hair. He thinks of his sharp jaw line, of his almond brown eyes and that sweet smile always welcoming him. He thinks of the nights they spent together looking at the stars, tracing the points of that constellation so close to their hearts, of those wasted dancing in too crowded clubs and of those consumed making love under the blankets. He thinks of their first date in that wrecked ramen restaurant, when Yunho still had his crooked tooth and his own hair was still black, a little too long on his shoulders. He thinks of what they have done, of who they have become and of the choices they had to make, the views on life they could no longer share. And in the middle of his thoughts, Jaejoong realises that love is what brought him to make every decision, to take up any challenge, and while smiling at the unchanged feelings towards the younger guy, he screams the last notes of the now ending song.

Though I loved you

***

[Jung Yunho]

2014 - Tied ship

The first time Yunho hears Jaejoong singing it is 2001 and he has just got accepted into the company. A small crowd of trainees is waiting outside the practise room he the older guy is rehearsing in and he finds himself as mesmerized and amazed as they are, while listening to the sweet melodies he is working on.
It is that same day, when Jaejoong locks those doe smiling eyes with his, that he realises he will fall in love with him, no matter what.

It’s 2010 when Yunho finds himself listening to his soathing voice for the first time after the separation that has left him with bitter words and hurting feelings. Jaejoong is all dressed in white and the light colour creates contrast with the dark shade of his hair.
However, that’s not what captures Yunho’s attention.
The once confident and strong leader of the Rising Gods of the East breaks down upon hearing the sweet words coming out from the guy’s mouth on the screen. He squeezes his shirt, following the story of goodbyes and broken loves the other is telling and he feels warm tears rolling down his face as soon as the song ends.
What the other doesn’t know, however, is that he’s waiting too.

It’s 2011 when Yunho hears Jaejoong’s sweet voice again: he’s in a small cafè in Tokyo and some girls are watching JYJ’s new world tour, melting in front of the older boy’s enchanting melodies. Unaware of his presence, Yunho lays in a bit, watching the live show over the smaller girl’s shoulders, and counts on his fingers all those years shared together.

It’s 2013 when Yunho seems to find a pattern behind Jaejoong’s dramatic ballads, matching the sadness their breaking up left them with, with the words sang in the older guy’s lyrics. He listens to the voice cracking while the feelings seem to be too much, but no tear escapes his eyes, dry because of sleepless crying nights which Yunho is well aware of, having gone through them too.
He touches the screen with his long fingers and traces down the other’s features.
“I love you” remain words whispered in the night.

And it’s 2014 when Yunho finally decides that it’s time to give Jaejoong an answer.
He's in Japan with Changmin and they’re carrying on their Tree tour. He doesn’t tell Changmin he won’t be dancing during his solo until the last minute as he knows the other will try to dissuade him in that protecting way he’s so used to now.
It feels awkward, however: he should be the one doing the protective thing. He shoudn’t have the need to feel protected.

It’s a fresh spring night when he jumps on the stage, a mere microphone in his hands and no dancer to back him up. The crowd is almost startled, but Yunho doesn’t care at the moment. He doesn’t care at all, to be honest, because this performance is not for them to feel, is not for them to keep. It’s a show for him, a way to remind him of the feelings Yunho never let go of, despite the harsh words and the awful fights. It’s something to hold, something to treasure, something to hang on to during the hard times he’s sure they will have to face.

Yunho begins right from the start, from that day their lives suddently took different routes and didn’t seem able to cross anymore. He remembers Jaejoong’s calls always ending as soon as he took up the phone, as if the the other didn’t realise he could actually hear him sniffing, feeling the other’s broken cry even over the phone.

And those cries broke him more than anything. Even though they weren’t together anymore, he couldn’t just deny all what they had been, all the love they had shared.
And they shared so much, they loved each other so much it hurt looking reality in the face, being forced to accept it when all he wanted do to was wishing it was all a nightmare they just had to wake up from.

I loved you more than anyone else
I loved you, I loved you, I loved you
Our “goodbye” on a day without stars
When I woke up, I wished that it was all a dream

Sometimes Yunho wishes he could be able to forget the past, deleting every broken memory in order to go on, but at the same time he realises he wouldn’t be able to do that, because forgetting the past would mean to forget all the happiness his youth was so full with. And he can't do that. In the end, he doesn’t even want to.
His past is ok as it is, beautifully broken, and he wouldn’t change it with anything else.
His past is what made him the man he is today.

I want to forget
But I’m not forgetting

What he truly wishes for, however, is to be there. Despite the sufference they had to go through, despite the pain the other made him feel and the one he himself made the other feel, he wishes to be there.
To be there in order to catch Jaejoong every time he’s about to fall.
To be there in order to rock him and let him fall asleep feeling loved.
To be there and wipe his tears away.
To be there and protect him.
And Yunho now finally understands what felt so wrong every time Changmin tried to protect him: he wasn’t used to that feeling because he never had to be protected, feeling stronger than ever with Jaejoong by his side.

For your sake always
I believed that for as long as I live,
I’d sacrifice everything without regrets
Standing by the most precious person to me
I cannot always protect you

When Yunho finishes the song, a new feeling grows inside him in the chilling air of the night, something Jaejoong felt too that night some years before. He just took longer to realise it.

Time will heal everything.

But time has already healed everything, they just didn’t notice it until now, he thinks, as once in the backstage he takes out his phone from his bag, pressing the numbers one after the other.
And when the dial tone stops ringing and the sweetest voice asks who it is, he finds himself giggling like a teenage boy, his heart rushing and his hands trembling as he whispers those long unspoken words.

Theirs is a love like war, but they will come out as winners.

“I love you, Kim Jaejoong”.