“Usual place, you in?”

Jaejoong is out drinking with some friends when he receives the text, chill background music filling the air that smells like alcohol and flowers, an early spring breaking the door of late March.

He doesn’t need to read the name on the screen to know who it’s from.

A shiver runs up his spine, old flames burning from the ashes, but he just scratches the back of his neck and dismisses the feeling.

He doesn’t know when thinking of him became a fleeting thought instead of his constant reality, when the obsession, anger and hurt gave away, leaving finally space to a balanced stability and a very underestimated peace. Years ago, he would’ve jumped on his place and would’ve run faster than light to get even a brief second of him, but today it’s different and time taught him distance can be as good.

He picks up his phone and write back a quick “Can’t” before facing it down and going back to the hilarious story Heechul was telling them about. Something involving role play and beer, a lot of it. Jaejoong smiles through the words and finishes his shot of soju. Loud laughter resounds among the group and he can’t help following, the iconic warmth of his voice joining the others with a lightness so uncharacteristic, but so yearned for.

The phone vibrates on the table, shaking the small glass beside it. Jaejoong stops it with a hand and turns it briefly to read the only word it contains.

“Please”

Jaejoong sighs loudly and pours himself another shot.

He’s feeling so good right now he doesn’t want to give in and blow all his plans to go back to that old familiarity between them, but at the same time the despair of the request makes his heart tremble, knowing damn well Yunho never begs, so it must be something serious.

He decides he will enjoy his night though, in this moment in time his happiness comes first and there is no relationship bounding him to the other.

“I’ll try to make it”

The phone lights up seconds after.

“Thanks, I’ll wait up”

Jaejoong would like to type back don’t but he knows Yunho wouldn’t listen anyway, so he doesn’t.

He's not sure when they became like that, when that thing between them altered the world of friends once again and got them lost somewhere between strangers and lovers.

They gravitate around each other, Yunho and him, in a way that makes it impossible for them to stay away from each other for too long. They become miserable, both of them, until the hurt, the longing, the heartache, are just not humanly bearable anymore. They look for each other even without realizing it. They crave for each other in a way that makes their skin peel off, their bodies shaking with remission, as if they were a drug they couldn’t live without.

But somehow, when they do are together, all the fire ends up burning them down to ashes.

They love with such a force and violence that they always come out broken in pieces from the war that is their romance. They aren’t able to contain their loving and it always gets too much.

Too brutal. Too tight. Too suffocating.

They cannot weight the power of their actions and they destroy each other every time, even if they never mean to.

With time, among all the pain, they came to the sad realization that maybe they weren’t meant for each other as they had always believed. They hurt each other too much for that. Maybe their souls weren’t as entangled as they wanted them to be, and the affection that linked them sometimes hurt them more than it helped.

Two broken souls looking for love, that’s what they are, easy as it sounds.

Sometimes their pieces matched so well that it made them believe in something more, but reality always came back to claim its price and their worlds kept on falling apart, time after time.

That’s how they ended up in this new equilibrium of pushing and pulling with no pretense.

There is no agreement for this thing between them, it just started to happen and neither of them felt like stopping it.

A text. A call. A silent request. A whisper in the wind.

They are not together, not anymore, but sometimes they just need to be, for brief moments in time, to feel ok again, and regain the strength to fight the outer world. Recharge the batteries to function alone.

Sometimes all they need is a hug, gluing back together all their cracks, as if they were made of glass: so beautiful yet so fragile.

Other times they needed more: kisses wiping their tears away till all the pain was overcome by the endless pleasure.

It came natural to them, and they let themselves be, whatever form their love was turned into, whatever path their hearts led them on. It was the only way they could survive.

There is a house in the outskirts of Seoul that they started to rent when they were still together, still in the same group, in the same line of destiny. They were looking for a place to feel safe, an island of peace that could be just theirs, and that small two-bedrooms apartment did the magic.

For years back then it had been their escape, a way to feel whole with each other, to escape the harshness of their reality.

When they broke up, just around the time of the split, neither of them returned there, but somehow, they both kept paying for it, month after month.

And they came back together to the small place, every time they told themselves they could work it out, find a way to be together in this world that clearly had no interest in leaving them a space.

But each time, despite the desire and the aching pain of remaining together, they fell apart, and each time a part of them broke.

That’s how they decided to stop that merciless game of loving traditionally and begun to play with their own rules.

Strangers. Acquaintances. Friends. Best friends. One-night-stands. Friends with benefits. Lovers.

None of the words came quite close to describe what they shared.

Jaejoong and Yunho weren’t meant to be normal, to follow a script and love like common people do.

They couldn’t, and they wouldn’t.

They met randomly through the years, usually during the highest and lowest moments of their lives, when they felt most the need, the urge to share the overwhelming feelings they were experiencing with the other. It didn’t always work out: sometimes Jaejoong was away in foreign countries, other times Yunho was busy with packed schedule, and other times again the other maybe just didn’t feel like meeting and since there was no real deal between them, no true obligation, they just did what they felt it was good for them in that moment. If meeting the other wasn’t, then they just didn’t.

They were just taking what they could from each other, when they could.

“It’s him, isn’t it?”

Heechul wakes him up from his flow of thoughts, bringing him back to reality.

He locks his eyes with the friend and then nods slightly, staring down at his glass before emptying it.

“I’ve never understood this thing between you two”

He looks at him with a warm gaze, as if trying to envelope him, getting into his head to see them.

And Jaejoong chuckles.

Nobody does.

He kinda likes it because of that too.

“But if it makes you ok, I guess it's fine”

It doesn’t slip how Heechul doesn’t say happy, but just ok, ‘cause happiness is something so ephemeral and so difficult to grasp at for more than a blink in time, that Jaejoong is not sure he will ever be able to actually hold it. But ok is fine as well. He doesn’t need perfection and he’s pretty sure Yunho doesn’t look for it anymore either.

Jaejoong shakes the feelings and stands up, taking Heechul hand and bringing him to the dance floor at the centre of the pub, letting the music carry away everything else. He has always loved how the loud sounds and the low beats could get through his body and make him feel so light, so careless, so free. Nothing matters as long as the wild rhythm of that unknown melody manages to make him release all the stress he accumulated through the week.

It’s three in the morning when he steps out of the cab and walks the stairs leading to the small apartment, head light from all the drinking but not too lost in the clouds.

He turns his spare key in the locker and smiles looking at the bear keychain.

The door opens with a crackling sound and once in, Jaejoong stops for a moment to take it all in for a moment: it has been several months since they’ve been there last time.

The place is small but Jaejoong has always loved how the tiny dimensions made it so warm, capturing their essences and preserving them. There isn’t much furniture, just few pieces here and there, but there are some details that make the difference, tiny objects signaling that they were there, that they lived and loved between those walls. Somehow, just the thought of it gave him peace and made him feel safe.

A perfumed candle on the coffee table he bought during one of his trips to Japan. A frame holding their debut picture, the paper ruined by time but at the same time even more authentic because of it. A collection of little jade elephants Yunho picked up in a Chinese market. Strawberry milk and soju bottles lined up together on the shelves. A keyboard in one of the corners with sheets of music piled beside it. The stuffed white bear on the black leather sofa. A single red rose in a glass vase on the counter: Yunho once said it reminded him of Jaejoong, and everytime they get together – always in the house – a red rose is there, trapped in that transparent prison of light, but thriving in its color.

Jaejoong steps in and locks the door behind him. He doesn’t turn on the light, but just walks through the living room until he’s standing in the doorway of the bedroom.

Yunho is sleeping on a side on top of the bed, one arm spread on the blanket, the other close to his chest. He’s wearing a blue navy sweater and sweatpants, casually moving the hair of his fringe with each breathing. Cute. Jaejoong can’t help but chuckle.

Every time he sees him, he can’t help but wonder why these moments can’t be their forever. He knows if they tried again now, they would just end up hurting each other again and again, but he still hopes someday in the future time will be kind to them and maybe they’ll be able to their wounds and sew back the scars they covered their bodies with.

For now, though, he just enjoys the little time of freedom they can grasp at.

He takes out his jacket and undress to only t-shirt and briefs before going to the bed and snuggling in near the other on the opposite side, the laid open palm of the other's hand now cupping his own face.

Yunho wakes up the moment their skins touch, a wave of electricity shaking his body. When he opens his eyes, he immediately meets Jaejoong’s and he’s drawn to him like moths to light, like he has been for all those years and – he tells himself – like he probably will always be.

Jaejoong is like a fire escape in the building of his life, an emergency exit where he can turn to when the pressure of his life becomes too much. Yunho has always this act up when he's around, this golden boy attitude whose passion and morals makes him the perfect guy at everyone's eyes. And he is, passionate and ethic, he wouldn't have arrived where he has if he wasn't, but sometimes he just needs to be Yunho and not the U-know superstar everyone aknowledge. Jaejoong is the only person he doesn't feel the need to be in control with: with him nothing matters because he knows the other guy can see right through him with just a quick glance and Yunho is drawn to this feeling of being understood for hi goofiness and sweetness instead for the charismatic persona the world know. He loves being a leader, have people follow him, being in charge and overlooking everything, but sometimes it all becomes overwhelming and he just needs a place to be himself: a safe place to cry, a safe place to laugh, and Jaejoong is the perfect one to be because he understands it as well, having being together since the very beginning.

He lingers his free hand over Jaejoong’s arm, caressing the bare skin and feeling the shivers under it before pulling the other in and vanishing all the space left between them.

Yunho captures Jaejoong in a strong hug, holding him close, holding him tight, taking in the familiar shape and perfume and all those little sounds he makes.

“I needed this so bad” he whispers, “Thank you for making it”.

Jaejoong adjusts on Yunho’s body and slowly hugs him back as well.

“You want to talk?”

But Yunho just mumbles something that sounds like tomorrow, hugs him tighter and drifts away to the world of dreams, finally at ease.

There is no need to fake or hide things between them anymore.

If they need each other they will say so. No embarrassment, no fear. The fragility and vulnerability that always characterized their relationship long gone.

If they do not need each other, they will say so as well. No regrets, no guilt. A new awareness speaking their feelings through clear actions, the misunderstandings and confusion of the past long gone.

The next morning Jaejoong wakes up to sunrays kissing his face and long strong arms trapping his body to the bed. It takes him a few seconds to recognize his surroundings: the room around him, the guy beside him, but then Yunho’s perfume penetrates his nostrils and suddenly he know he’s home.

He pushes his body up, aiming for the kitchen to make some breakfast, but as soon as he tries to leave, the other pulls him down on the bed, turning him around and trapping him in a staring contest.

"Good morning"

Yunho’s sleepy eyes stare back at him and he can’t help but getting lost in them. They pierce through his soul in a way nobody else does and every time Jaejoong feels exposed, , but somehow with time this feeling of vulnerability became something he cherished instead of something to be ashamed of. In the past it made him feel weak, fragile, but now he understands it takes courage to let someone see you that deep, it requires a huge amount of trust. And he trusts Yunho, with all his being, he's probably the only person he will ever allow to be this close to him. He knows it's not fair to all the boys and girls he has dated through the years, but he can't help but feel something missing every time, something not clicking they way they do. And he knows they are not together now, nor they will probably ever be again, but these brief moments are all he needs. They are all he can wish for anyway.

Yunho moves in a little closer and tries to capture his lips but Jaejoong stops him before he manages to do more than just a brushing. He knows they need to talk before going any further. Yunho’s begging from the night before still vivid in his memory.

“What happened?” he offers, looking at him, in his classic understanding mode.

Yunho steals another quick kiss, before giving up and lying back on the bed, staring at the white ceiling.

He sights and confesses “I met someone”

Jaejoong lends out a hand to strike his hair, encouraging him to go on, the warmth of the other still on his lips asking for more, but he chokes the feeling. It's not the right time.

“That’s good” he replies, “How is her? She famous?”

But Yunho remains silent and from the fugitive blinks and the raising hearbeats, Jaejoong understands immediately.

“Is it a boy?”

He nods, but still doesn’t add more, a red flush covering his cheeks. He hates how Jaejoong can make him so nervous, putting him under the spotlight in such an easy way. No concert stadium could ever come close to the anxiety the other guy can provoke him with just a simple look.

Jaejoong just chuckles in return, “Why are you so embarrassed?”

“I don’t know- it’s…” Yunho doesn’t know how to express the mixed emotions he feels fighting inside him, the same ones he debated with for the last few months.

“I feel guilty” he blurts out.

“Why should you?”

He doesn’t answer the question, just let it slip away like a drop of rain in a thunderstorm.

“Ok, no psychotepary on you” Jaejoong jokes, “then tell me how is he: cool?”

“Cooler than me?” he tries again, hoping to see a smile break on the other’s face.

When Yunho thinks about him he thinks of the clear sky of a sunny summer day, of long handwritten letters, coffee dates and indie songs. He feels lightheaded and secure, comfortable in a way that scares him because he’s never felt like that with anybody.

So peaceful. So chilled. So relaxed.

A stable equilibrium that helps him get through his life without the angst and the drama of all his past relationships. There are no screaming fights, no 2 am cursing to the empty walls of his room, no low subtle textings, public exposings or crazy jealousy.

“Yesterday he met my parents” he tries, and Jaejoong can’t help but mock him, exaggerating: “Very cool then!”

“Stop it”

“I will, but it’s serious then, if he got to meet your parents” he answers, the tone of his voice no longer playful: “Why haven’t you told me about him before?”

And there is no real anger, no jealously in the way he speaks and Yunho is so proud of what they have become, of how they can now talk about their relationships without feeling triggered or threatened by them.

“Not sure, maybe because I’m stupid and I didn’t want to feel exposed?” he starts, “You know how he’s the first guy I’ve seriously dated after you”

Jaejoong nods and doesn’t push further on it, “How did it go?”

He knew the Jung’s weren’t exactly welcoming people. Or they hadn’t been to him at least. He didn’t want Yunho to feel discouraged by his parents’ reactions. He knew how they could influence him.

But the reply startles him.

“Good” he pauses, looking down at Jaejoong. “Very good actually, I wasn’t expecting it. He got along so well with my mother and talked some business with my father. He’s in legal consultancy so my father was really interested”.

“Why did you call me last night then?” he asks, not understanding what made him text him in a such a desperate way the night before.

Yunho raises his hand to Jaejoong’s face and traces the lines of his nose, his lips, his cheeks.

“Because it’s not the same”

“What’s not the same? Come on Yunho, we stopped taking riddles ages ago”

“Loving him”

When Yunho thinks about Jaejoong he thinks of the cloudy sky of a midnight rain, of short phone calls, drunken dates and rock songs. He feels heavy, on edge, always wondering what the next move will be.

So much adrenaline. And passion. And troubles.

The instability of a feeling that rocks them back and forth, pushing and pulling without any certainty but which such a power, such a dedication, it makes him fly back into it every time.

Loving them couldn’t be any more different.

Jaejoong stops his fussing as he hears the words which stick on him like a target sign.

Yunho doesn’t fall in love easily and the fact he used the term love didn’t slip away from his mind, and he knows Yunho noticed the effect they had on him as well. He is like an open book.

“Of course it isn’t” Jaejoong replies. “Thank god it isn’t” he adds up, “I wouldn’t wish this thing we have on anyone.”

“I love this thing between us” Yunho pouts.

Jaejoong just sighs, exhausted by the other’s little games.

“You know I do as well, but it’s not easy Yunho and more than anything, it’s not forever. What you have with him, it could be your forever. We’ve always said we wouldn’t ruin our forevers for a twinkle of the past, so why are you having doubts now.”

Yunho stirs, on edge again: “It doesn’t mean just any relationship is going to be my forever” he argues.

“Of course, I’m not saying you should jump on the first person you see, but if you introduced him to your parents it means you thought he could be” Jaejoong quickly replies, his wit always on point, striking to hit.

But Yunho disarms again in just a second.

“He asked me about you” he says, pulling a moment of striking silence over them.

“What?”

Jaejoong reacts, maybe a little too startled and little too late.

“In the car, after we left my parents’ house, he asked me about you” he explains. “He said my parents weren’t surprised to see a boy which meant I had already introduced them to someone else in the past and he just connected the dots, I didn’t have to say anything”

Yunho smiles looking at Jaejoong’s surprised expression and decides to dig the knife a little deeper.

“I mean it was pretty obvious, you know, from the way we-”

Jaejoong doesn’t let him finish this time: “It’s been years since we’ve been seen together in public Yunho, it isn’t obvious anymore.”

“We’re still here though” he smiles, shrugging his shoulders.

“Not like that" he replies, "and it doesn’t matter because they don’t know” he points out. Nobody knew of their little agreement beside some close friends: Heechul, Junsu, Changmin and only a few others.

But Yunho dismiss the arguments he's presenting, and just goes on.

“He asked me if I loved you, back then. He didn’t even think it was a possibility not having been with you, not having loved you. It made me smile.”

Jaejoong just stares back at him.

“I said yes” he confessed, and Jaejoong turns up his nose, but deep down he likes the way Yunho never regrets him, never fails to acknowledge their history.

“He asked me if I loved him” he pauses, “and I said yes, again. I feel like I do.”

“And then he asked me if I loved you, still. And I couldn’t answer” he confesses. “But I guess that was an answer on its own.”

Jaejoong is dead serious now, the situation going in a completely different direction from the one he had imagined. He sits up on the bed and looks down on him. “Why didn’t you just say no?”

“Because I do. I do love you, still. I couldn't bring myself to lie to his face. I love him enough to grant him honestly.”

“I know, but it's different, it's not what he was asking"

"Wasn't it?" Yunho questions again. "Would you commit in a serious relationship with someone that's having what we have with someone else"

"If you had chosen him, I would’ve stepped down." Jaejoong quickly states, eyes cold and voice dead serious. "I would have let you flourish that love. Forever before the past. You know that.”

He’s angry now and Yunho can feel it. He’s mad at him for ruining something that could’ve make him happy in a longer term that they fugitive runaways together could be. He hates him for sabotaging the possibility of a future just because of him. They established long ago that this love between them wouldn’t have gone away, but they also agreed that this love between them wouldn’t have been the reason of them trashing any chance of love. And Jaejoong loves Yunho too much to bear the weight of being the one ruining his future.

“It’s not that easy Jaejoong.” Now Yunho’s up too, “You’ve been through that as well. It’s not something you can just switch off.”

“No, but you have to try. We agreed!”

“I have!” he blurts out “For almost a year. It’s not that I didn’t want to!”

“Last time I saw you wasn’t that long ago.” Jaejoong calls out. “And you didn’t even tell about him, we always do!”

Jaejoong is so furious because he knows the other not telling him meant that relationship was important, was something Yunho was treasuring and knew how fragile it could be. He hates him for not trusting him enough, for not fighting for it enough.

But Yunho is calm, as he always is: passive aggressive, but never madly enraged.

“You called last time. And we didn’t do anything, just talked. I didn’t tell you about him because I wasn’t sure yet, which makes my current point”

Jaejoong is getting crazy, he would just like to punch Yunho in the face until he could fill all that empty space with some sense.

“Why are you so mad?”

“Because I love you so much, I want you to be freaking happy! And I don’t want to be the reason of you not being so!”

Yunho sighs at the thought “Jaejoong, I am happy”

“You know what I mean”

“I know but-”

“But what?!”

Yunho looks for the words carefully, knowing the wrong ones could make Jaejoong go nuts very easily. “Sometimes I just wish you could be my happy ending. My forever.”

“Yunho!”

Jaejoong’s eyes are wide, his voice high. He gets out of the bed and starts roaming the room.

“I know you don’t think we can-”

“It’s not about thinking, it’s about knowing.”

“Ok fine, then let’s change the perspective here” now Yunho is up too, a new sense of realisation striking him, “I knowyou’re going to be my finish line. No matter how many people we will love in between. No matter how much we will hurt ourselves before getting there. And I know you know it too. When we started this. When we didn’t stop this. That’s where we were aiming, where we still are.” Yunho states, firm and honorary as he only can be, making Jaejoong lose his balance with every statement.

“And I know we aren’t there yet, I know it will take more time and more sacrifices, but don’t punish me for blowing away something that wasn’t going anywhere. It’s not your fault, but you will always be the reason of my choices, I can’t help it, I’m sorry.”

“You make me so ing mad” Jaejoong hisses, but deep down he knows he was always hoping for what Yunho was now having the courage to say out loud. He tries to fly away, reaching for the doorknob, but Yunho catches him and forces him to look at him.

“We said to live in the moment” he says, “To cherish the little time we could make between us. To never plan ahead, and just live what life would put in our path” he continues, moving the bangs from his trembling doe eyes. “Now is good, Jaejoong. Being with you, like this” he mimics “For me, right now, this is enough, it’s more that I would’ve ever dreamt of, and I wouldn't' trade it for any other relationship"

He flashes one of his best reassuring smiles before cupping his face and placing a sweet kiss on his lips.

Jaejoong hates how the other can just make him turn back on all his certainties so easily, can make his world tremble under the earthquakes of their feelings, how he can convince him to just try one more time despite the burning scars of the past. But deep down, he loves it so much as well, he loves him for his never-ending will to bet on them again and again, and every time he doesn't have the power to go against him, trapped in the same old love war they start. When someone is looking down on you with such an intense stare, asking you to follow them in this ruthless but so enriching path once again, how could you deny him?

“Now is good” Jaejoong whispers back.