Little note before reading: the story it’s kind of cheesy and I’m not made for writing cheesy stuff.

And it’s very cliché so don’t expect anything from it, but I wanted to write something for yunjae anniversary so yeah here you go (even though Yunho just confessed February 6 is not his true birthday so yeah i guess this fic is pretty ed up, but anyway...). By the way I’m still in the middle of my exams session so this was kind of rushed, forgive me for it. 

[February 5, 2019]

Loving you

a little bit more everyday

Jaejoong looks at the big clock hung in his bedroom moving time forward second by second, click after click. He stares at the long black arrows running in circles on the plane surface until they both meet on the highest point, marking the beginning of a new day.

He breathes in loudly before checking the phone now lightening by his side.

How can you still love him?

Jaejoong chuckles, choking a sad laugh behind his hand. He wonders if this is how all his friendship are ever gonna end up, broken by the illusion of something more.

Jaejoong doesn’t like to lie. He finds it useless and very disrespectful and that’s why when Yuu tried to kiss him that night – a birthday present, he said – he moved his head to the side, avoiding it.

Yuu looked at him with such a hurt expression, Jaejoong felt a little guilty for, but deep inside he knew it was the best thing to do. When Yuu asked him why, he just told him the truth.

“I’m in love with someone else” he said, hands in the big pocket of his winter jacket and face half hidden by the red scarf around his neck. “I just can’t” he added, before turning around and walking the streets of a frozen Tokyo back to his house.

Yuu knows him well.

The guy has been a nice surprise of that past year. A friendship rediscovered, an unexpected happiness he didn’t know he was missing.

He likes Yuu.

He’s like a big tree protecting him when the wind blows too strongly, a refuge to come back to when life in Japan gets too lonely, too gloomy. He’s that kind of friend that lets him being himself because he knows he needs it when the world around himself starts getting too tight, imprisoning him in between. He’s that kind of friend that spoils him, getting along with all his childish requests, never saying anything against them. He feels like a small kid, but that’s what Yuu makes him feel like: he makes him free, he makes him immature and selfish, but overwhelming happy. He manages to make him feel light, chill, satisfied with the small things he has managed to achieve until today.

He likes Yuu.

Yuu that can only talk Japanese but that teases him in Korean. Yuu who knows where he has come from, what he’s done, how much he has suffered.He’s a nice person, one of those that wouldn’t abandon him in exchange for some fame. And he has such a kind soul sometimes Jaejoong wonders how he managed to survive in the entertainment industry. But it’s Yuu, he reasons. Of course he managed to.

Yuu knows him well. That’s why he thought he knew. That’s why he didn’t feel it was necessary to linger on the past and bring alive old memories, broken promises and sleepless nights spent crying all the tears he didn’t even know he had. But avoiding the past, running away from it, doesn’t make it any less real and Jaejoong has learnt it through the years and maybe it was his fault for thinking others had too.

How can you still love him?

Jaejoong doesn’t have an answer.

He didn’t have it back then when people chased him around, tormenting him with the same question over and over – “Why do you love him?” – and he doesn’t have it now, when time has passed but the feeling has remained, as strong and present as it was back then. Maybe a little bit less reckless, but equally true.

Maybe the answer is that he just does. It comes naturally to him.

Loving Yunho is like singing, like cooking, an inseparable part of his being that cannot disappear just because someone asks him to.

He doesn’t know why he still loves him, why that feeling doesn’t want to get away from his scarred heart, but he doesn’t mind. Loving Yunho is beautiful: a hint of spring in the cold winter storms, a ray of light in the most impenetrable darkness.

Sometimes he wonders if the feeling will ever actually go away. If one day he will get up and realise he has stopped loving him. He doesn’t believe it will, though, it has already been more than 18 years and the feeling is still there, still alive.

You haven’t seen him in years.

Neither have you spoken to him recently.

How can you Jaejoong?

How do you love so hard?

The questions follow him like an invisible magnet, unable to get detached. And people don’t understand that he just doesn’t know.

He doesn’t know why he fell for him that winter day of so many years ago:

maybe it was his crooked smile, always so bright and carefree, a daily pill of happiness in the tired and stressful schedules of their predebut days that always managed to make him feel light, relieved, finally home;

maybe it was his way of singing, low, hoarse, as if the words were riding on the music right from the bottom of his soul;

maybe it was his way of protecting people, of watching over them, making sure everyone was always well treated, well taken care of;

or maybe again it wasn’t anything so specific, maybe it was the mix of things that made Yunho Yunho what made he fell for him: almond eyes, heart-shaped lips, a hand always on his back – supporting him –, a caress always on his shoulder – reassuring him. Maybe it was the aura he brought everywhere he went, that feeling of being protected, of being important, of being someone.

Jaejoong doesn’t know why, what, how he woke up someday and realised he couldn’t go without Yunho for too much time without feeling his absence so deeply, as well as he doesn’t know why time can’t just erase the power of his feeling but enrichs them instead, a little bit more every day.

Jaejoong’s love for Yunho is like a book whose pages are yellow and worn out but still attached to the main binding, unable to be torn away. A book he writes in everyday, adding the new habits the other has developed and the old ones that even after so much time are still engraved in his behaviour, in his talking, in his way of living.

And how can he explain that this kind of love is not something someone would willingly get rid of. It’s a love that complete him, something that keeps him stable in the continuous storms of his life. Yunho is his reference point, his arrival line somewhere out there in the world and even though their paths are different now, forged by their choices and beliefs, Jaejoong knows that their final stop is gonna be the same.

Jaejoong looks at the big clock on the wall and realises it has already been nine years. Nine long years he has spent this day alone, hidden under the covers of a bed that’s too big for just himself, or wasted on the rooftop terrace with too many empty bottles and a weather too cold for such a warm day.

Jaejoong takes out the phone that’s still blinking on his bed but ignores all the messages and opens a phone call instead.

He’s bold, Jaejoong, he’s always been. His past company used to call him out for being so, too reckless for the public image, too oblivious for the comments he was spilling around. But Jaejoong doesn’t like to lie and prefers to address his audience in the most sincere way possible – even if sometimes he might end up being a little too extra. But that’s him. And he doesn’t want to hide it, he doesn’t want people to fall in love with someone he isn’t, to a persona built up just to appease them. He wants people to love the real him, the messed up and emotional guy that hides behind the beautiful face.

However, in love, Jaejoong has never been bold. Too afraid of ruining their already broken relationship, too afraid to suffer again and so much from that same broken heart, he loved in silence, alone, from far away, hidden in a safe place where his feelings were somehow protected from the outside world.

But Jaejoong wants to be brave for once. He’s tired of spending his nights alone in a way too large penthouse, he’s tired of making up ideal features of ideal partners he doesn’t even like. And he’s tired of hearing the same old question over and over.

So Jaejoong gathers all the courage he has and presses the number he’s always had in his mobile, but never dared to call.

He’s trembling: cold shivers running through his body from the very tips of his foot to the blonde shade in his hair. He doesn’t know if it is the right thing to do, but right now it’s the only one he can think of.

“Yeoboseyo?”

Jaejoong swears he feels time stopping, freezing him in a second lost somewhere in a universe where everything is right, where everything never fell apart. A universe in which hearing Yunho’s sleepy voice is something normal, not an isolated event that makes his eyes teary and his voice broken, suddenly insecure, emotional, afraid.

Jaejoong brings a hand to his mouth to suppress the sudden sobs he doesn’t seem able to stop anyway. And he doesn’t want to cry, he really doesn’t. He doesn’t want Yunho’s first hearing of him to be a muffled cry but the tears come out against his own will and mark the pale complexion with their transparent liquid.

He hears a long sigh on the other end of the line.

“Jaejoong”

The voice is stable, clear. Of course, thinks Jaejoong, it’s so Yunho’s, always ready to fight every dragon put on his way. Maybe that’s what Jaejoong represents for the other: another obstacle that’s now on his road again and that he has to get rid of, in one way or another.

“Why did you call” he asks then, his voice softer, soothing, and the kind melody reaches till Jaejoong’s heart, calming it down. The heartbeats are still racing, bumping in his chest frenetically, but the warm tone of Yunho’s voice somehow has a relaxing effect on him.

“I-” he tries, the words tripping on his tongue, trying to pull something out of the chaos in his mind, out of his troubled soul.

"I don't know" he just concludes with a long sigh.

Jaejoong waits for an answer, anything to give him the pull he needs to start talking again, like he used to, anything to bring back that old familiarity of having Yunho listening, truly listening to him.

“I miss you” he manages to pull out. “I guess I miss you more today and-” Jaejoong finds it so difficult to speak and he curses himself for it ‘cause speaking to Yunho had always been so natural, so easy, but now it’s not and that’s nothing more than another sign that tells him that things has changed indeed, that they’re no longer those two reckless teens that just wanted to love. “-and I’m sorry” he finally adds, “I’m really sorry”.

“What are you sorry for Jaejoong?” he asks, no accusation in his voice, just tiredness and little curiosity.

But Jaejoong doesn’t know how to answer: he’s sorry for everything that happened but at the same time he’s not sorry for the choice they made and he doesn’t know how to explain it to Yunho. He’s sorry for them, for the storm that raged on them after the lawsuit – and even before it to be honest. He’s sorry for not having held on enough: he has, in his heart, but sometimes actions are needed and he hasn’t act on enough, he knows it. Bold Jaejoong so scared in love.

Yunho breathes in deeply and Jaejoong knows he’s closing his eyes as he always does when reflecting on what to say, on which words to use, which topics to avoid. It’s so weird how he still remembers every habit of his, every little gesture that comes innate to the other.

“I was thinking of you yesterday actually” he suddenly says and Jaejoong swears he feels his heart stop, a forgotten feeling now spreading all over his body once again. “You know how it was your birthday – your true birthday – and all. You came through my mind. I don’t know why this year you did. Maybe you did last year too, but you didn’t call so...yeah. I didn’t call either so no need to put the blame on someone”.

“And…” Yunho continues “And I was still thinking of you today, how, you know, today” he concludes. “I mean, these first 10 minutes of today” he adds, checking the time on his watch.

Jaejoong holds his breath for what feels like eternity before answering.

“I am so-”

“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry again” Yunho quickly stops him “I’ve heard it enough. All the time since the lawsuit. “I’m sorry it happed, Yunho”, “I’m sorry we can’t do anything right now”, “I’m sorry it’s their fault”, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. Stop it, please. It’s not anyone’s fault. I was angry at the beginning, I won’t deny it, but with everything happening nowadays, I’m happy you left if it made you unconformable. I mean- I’m not happy we aren’t a group anymore, but I’m sincerely happy you found what you were looking for. I’m happy you’re better. So don’t say you’re sorry Jaejoong ‘cause I am too, for a lot of things, but it has been years and it’s time to move on”.

Jaejoong replies in the blink of an eye, words spilling out without any control.

“I don’t want to move on”.

And Yunho laughs. It’s not a real laugh actually, more like a subtle chuckle.

“I don’t want to let go” he adds and Yunho refrains himself from saying so, but that’s so Jaejoong. That care, that love for people, and even if Yunho tries to deny it sometimes, that’s one of the reason why he fell in love with the other.

“You don’t have- We don’t have to let go” he replies.

“You just said-”

Yunho interrupts him once again: “I said move on from the past, from the mistakes, from the fights, from all those open wounds. There’s no need to dig deeper on the open skin. It hurts, Jaejoong, and I don’t want to hurt anymore”

Yunho stops for a second before going on, evaluating carefully his next words as if weighting the risk they were carrying, as if debating if it was worth it in the end.

Unlike Jaejoong, Yunho has never been reckless. He has always thought before speaking, he has always respected and forgiven others even when they didn’t deserve to, he has always done the right thing even though sometimes they weren’t the right thing for him – like letting Jaejoong go, for example, not away from the company, but away from his life. Yunho is no reckless person but there was one day, so many years ago, in which a countryside boy, hair as dark as the night and lips as red as cherries, came up to him and bulldozed his way into his life, overturning every logic Yunho had ever thought there was in life. He was a strange kid, always so gentle and warm-hearted, but fierce and determined too, and Yunho has never met anyone like him again in his life. And he has never loved anyone as strongly as he loved him either and even though he hides the feeling under the presumption that it’s just the irrational part of himself speaking, he misses it, that reckless feeling of being so in love, of giving himself away so much to someone else. And somehow he also knows that he won’t find it again with anyone else ‘cause Jaejoong knows him like no one else does – not even Changmin. Jaejoong has been there since the very beginning, since when they were nothing more than two kids who loved to sing and dance and dreamed of becoming someone, and he has seen him grow, they have grown together, they have shared so much life, they have tangled their own lives so much, Yunho knows nobody would ever be able to win in comparison.

“But from us…” Yunho starts, accepting that old feeling, “I haven’t said to move on from us”.

“I haven’t” he adds too, after a little while.

There is a long silence in which neither of them says anything, memories rushing to their minds and taking them to another time. A time in which there were no companies, no misunderstandings dividing them, a time in which Jaejoong’s smiles were bigger and happier, a time in which Yunho’s nights weren’t so cold – the warmth of another body always beside him –, a time in which love wasn’t so foreign, so difficult, so complicated, but a strange habit you could spot in the way Jaejoong prepared breakfast, always leaving Yunho the bigger bowl, or in the way Yunho woke his bandmates up, always leaving Jaejoong for last, so he could sleep a little bit more.

Jaejoong thinks back of the question Yuu asked him some time before that night: how can you still love him?

And Jaejoong now has an answer for that. An answer for all his troubled feelings, an answer for all those days spent missing something without even realizing it was right there.

Because there’s this red thread connecting them which is ruined and weak and which is probably fading too, but it’s there. And Yunho is holding on to it, Yunho is waiting, Yunho is beginning to pull it, one way at a time, and Jaejoong can feel the thread pulling him forward, towards a future that looks so much brighter than his messed present. And when the game will end and the two extremities will be reunited again – deprived of any regrets and ready to finally start again – Jaejoong knows his wait will have been worth it.

Because he keeps loving me back.

“I haven’t either” he whispers back, tears flowing down once again.

“Jung Yunho” he says, voice clear this time, “Happy birthday”.

“And happy birthday to us” he specifies.

Yunho laughs and this time it’s an open laugh, a thirty-two teeth one. And Jaejoong smiles too, finally, curving his lips upwards and biting on his bottom one, trying to control the intensity of all his feelings.

“It was time” he replies, still smiling. “Happy birthday to us indeed”.

“And Jaejoong” he adds.

“Hmm?”

“I love you” he states, “I’ve loved you for quite a long time”

Jaejoong blushes and the milky skin of his face turns several shades darker.

“I know. And me too” he answers, but somehow the words don’t seem right so he rephrases: “I love you too. I have for quite a long time”.

And Yunho breathes in, breathes out, and looking outside his window he sees the city lights looking back at him: so bright, so beautiful, so warmly familiar.