It’s okay to cheer up by tomorrow. No, it’s okay even by the day after tomorrow

Even if you are gloomy, gloomy for about a month, I’ll be standing here

w/c:1.6k

This is in my bus accident au which there a little drabble I’ve written before here [x], but this is about Jinki, and them as a couple, dealing with the things that the accident and trauma took away. In this Jinki has a hard time processing language and it causes him to take longer to form sentences as well as his fine motor skills were effected, so his love of art.. is gone. 

Jinki smiled over the rim of his cup, straw slipping from his lips as he carefully placed the cup on the table over his legs. The door to his room closed gently behind his boyfriend. Jonghyun was still walking with the help of a cane as he got used to his prosthetic. Over his body was the strap of the bag resting against his hip. As he approached the edge of the bed he softly said, “Hey Baby.”

His fingers were warm and slightly calloused from his years of playing the guitar, as they moved across the back of Jinki’s neck, lips sweet and soft as he kissed him. Jinki gazed up at him with big, open eyes, lips parting a little a few moments before his eyes fluttered a little at his attempted speech. “He-llo… Babe.”

He looked so frustrated with himself. Jonghyun pushed his fingers through Jinki’s slowly growing hair. “Hey, it’s okay. You know you can take as much time as you need to say what you want to.”

“It.. makes me..” Jinki’s brows furrowed, bottom lip starting to tremble a little. “Mad.”

“I know it does Baby.” With careful movements he pulled the bag in front of him, resting on the bed near Jinki’s thigh. “I thought maybe you’d like to draw.”

Jinki stared at his old sketch pad and pencil case with a longing expression before he lifted his gaze as he spoke. “Don’t let.. This.. take that..away. My art. Don’t.. Let it.”

“We have to be realistic Baby.” Jonghyun gently ran his hand over Jinki’s hair. “The accident took a lot from us both and could take a lot more, but whatever it does, I’ll always be here for you.”

As the pad of paper and pencil case was placed on the table Jinki softly mumbled. “I’m.. sorry.”

“What for Baby?”

“Not me.” Jinki shook his head as he growled in anger. “Me. I’m.. not me.”

His hands came up to hit himself hard in the forehead, fingers open and palm smacking against his skin. Jonghyun’s fingers curled around his wrists, pulling his blows to a stop with a hissed. “Stop it right now.”

Jinki fell toward him, letting out a little sob as he collided into Jonghyun. With a little shifting, Jonghyun managed to climb into the bed and bring the man closer. He cradled Jinki’s head against his chest, kissing his hair and massaging his scalp right after his hairline on his neck. “Happy. Wish I.. was happy.”

“You don’t have to be happy.” Jonghyun held him close as he gently rocked them. “Now, in a week, for months. Be sad. Be angry. Feel what this took from you. I’ll hold you and your hand the entire way Baby. You know I’ll always be here. I love you. I love you so much.”

He pulled away, looking up at Jonghyun with cheeks covered in tears. “I.. love.. You.” He swallowed thickly. “Too.”

—-

Jinki was discharged from the hospital two weeks after waking up. The doctors had done enough tests and scans of his brain to know his symptoms were permanent and that while speech and physical therapy might help a little, his conditions weren’t curable. Getting that news he’d never learn how to do what he loved devastated Jinki. When the pencil had fumbled and rolled from his hand, there had been a little hope he could, with practice, learn how to use his fine motor movements.

He knew that he shouldn’t have come down here. He knew that being in his art studio knowing he’d never be able to sketch, draw, or paint again, was just going to continue to rip open his heart. As well as, as he picked up the brush between both of his palms, moving to the open can of paint by the canvas, that doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result was the definition of insanity. And yet, he still tried.

And it still tore him open. With a painful yell he threw the paint covered brush across the room. The paint splattered across the stone floor and wall, the wood of the handle making a sound as it crashed against the concrete. Jinki wrapped his arms around his middle as he fell to his knees, head hanging as sobs echoed in the dimly lit shed.

Jonghyun swallowed thickly and wrapped his blanket tighter around himself, fighting the urge to rush in and let his presence be known. He knew he should just lock the doors to the studio and hide the key, but he wasn’t sure if he could tell Jinki no if he ever came looking for it. Like always the thought that he would trade Jinki’s place in a heartbeat flashed through his mind. Why did Jinki have to be the one to lose the thing he loved? Sure, Jonghyun knew he’d have missed playing music, but anything was better than seeing the love of his life torturing himself.

With a heavy heart Jonghyun turned from the scene. Slowly he made his way up the path to their small home, one bought two years prior when they moved from the dorms. He was getting better on his leg. Improvement. As he opened the back door he glanced back at the soft light coming from the shed. He continued into their house and closed the door, leaning against it heavily as his eyes closed and his heart ached. Improvement. Something Jinki would never get.

He thought about how happy Jinki had been when they got the keys to the place, knowing finally he could have his own art studio. As always, the guilt of it all slammed into him as he gently sat on his side of the bed. He had been the one who wanted to go. It had been him who wanted to ride the bus up there instead of driving up and making a romantic weekend out of it like Jinki had wanted. They went because all Jinki wanted was to make him happy.

Jonghyun’s head fell into his hands as the loud sob was let out. It was his fault. All his fault.

—-

About an hour later he felt the bed dip and the warmth against his back. Jinki wiggled close, pressing his nose into Jonghyun’s hair, hand on his tummy. It was like all the tension in his body drained out of him as he relaxed. He made little noises as he got comfortable, nuzzling close to enjoy the warmth his boyfriend gave off.

Jonghyun waited until Jinki’s breathing slowed down enough to move, twisting in the hold to gaze at the man’s face. The scar from the impact and surgery could be seen from underneath his growing hair. He was so beautiful. Carefully he ran a few fingertips down the curve of his jaw and over his bottom lip. The area around his eyes were a little puffy, causing Jonghyun to frown a little.

But Jinki had returned to bed, to him. That fact brought a slight comfort to Jonghyun’s heart. Through everything, even through this part where Jinki wasn’t ready to open up to him completely, he knew he always had a place of understanding with him. Jonghyun pushed up a little to press a slow kiss to Jinki’s forehead. The man scrunched up his nose, shifting a little at the sensation, but he didn’t wake up. “Whenever you’re ready to let me in, I’m here.”

—-

He felt the soft touch against his tummy and frowned as he squinted. Jinki was standing there with a soft smile on his face and a tray in his hands. “Good.. morning.”

As he rubbed his eyes Jonghyun softly asked, “What is this?”

“Break-fast.” Jinki carefully laid the tray over Jonghyun’s legs. On the tray was a bowl of cereal and a banana. “Not much. What.. I could.. Do.”

“It’s amazing Baby. Thank you.” He beamed up at his boyfriend and it warmed his heart how Jinki softened at the praise. With a teasing tone he continued. “I didn’t stay with you because of your omelets, beautiful.”

Jinki softly laughed, before growing silent. He was staring at his hands for a long moment before saying. “Tried.. But.. too many.. Shells.”

“When you cracked the eggs?” Jinki nodded, a little embarrassed through his obvious disappointment. “We’re even in egg cracking skills now Baby.”

“Sorry. For.. last night.” Before he could play ignorance, Jinki smiled at him. “I saw.. You. Walking away.”

“I wish you didn’t go down there.” Jonghyun softly confessed. “You keep hurting yourself.”

“I know.” Jinki ran his tongue over his lips a few times, thinking through his words. “I get.. I’m not get-ting, any.. Better.”

“You’ve been home for just two days Baby. Give it time.” He curled his fingers around Jinki’s and gave them a soft squeeze. “Thank you for coming back to bed last night.”

“Always.” Jonghyun melted a little as Jinki pushed off the bed to press a long kiss to his forehead. He cupped his jaw, gazing at his face with such a loving expression. “You are.. More than.. What I lost. I got.. You.”

He could tell Jinki wanted to say so much more and by the expression on his face that he was afraid the meaning of the words would be lost in his limited speech. “You don’t know how happy I am you woke up Jinki. Living without you wouldn’t have been living.”

Jinki gave his forehead another soft kiss before he returned to sit beside him. “Eat. Please.”

“Okay, Baby.”