It was a trap.

Luhan tensed a little when he saw the sign.

I started to ease up when I saw their faces. They understood. That much was enough. I let go of Baekhyun’s hand and stepped away, following their pretense that everything was fine. Suho’s hands clenched into fists, but he still managed to wrap up the conversation smoothly, like the great leader he was supposed to be. Indeed, he had every quality there was to be a great politician or businessman – he had a sharp mind, keen observation, a glib tongue, and the confidence and charisma to lead the crowd.

The four soldiers drove two different cars to come here, and they left us immediately by the time we finished to attend to other important business of their respective countries. Suho drove us here in a three-rows car. Baekhyun sat alone at the back as he was the smallest in size after Suho, and these gentlemen would not let me squeeze in the back, so I sat between Sehun and Luhan in the middle row, with Kai’s unsatisfied frown reflected clearly on the mirror as he was given the responsibility to be the designated driver for the return journey. We passed by the reddish rocky landscape and the sun setting magnificently in the horizon. When I thought that they had conveniently forgotten about the topic, or chosen not to speak about it, Suho interrupted my train of thoughts quite suddenly,

“So? What happened back there? None of you have told me a thing since. I would really like to know what you’re keeping away from me,” Suho’s habit of shooting off the smile every time he wanted something was quite terrifying. He pulled on his seatbelt and stretched them to turn around and faced us in the middle row, like he was expecting something. “The meeting is commencing in three days, and we cannot afford mishaps, Sera. If this can go smoothly, imagine all the riches we’ll be given at the end of the mission,” He added on slowly, knowing fully well that money was indeed the reason why I had not voiced a single complaint since they brought me back here. In a mission. In the middle of nowhere.

I gave him an amused stare, and folded my hands in front of my chest, “I read the minds of those men, and it seems that they are involved in some kind of dealings with the Rebel. I can’t read further because there is a block preventing me to dig deeper, but these trade-offs seem to be quite recent, although I’m not sure to what extent. Whether or not the Rebel knew beforehand about this meeting between China and Mexico is unknown, but it’s highly risky. This might very well be a trap to all parties involved. And if we play right into their hands…”

Then…

Those words were stuck in my throat when I saw Suho contemplating with his eyes down. Kai smirked through the mirror and shook his head, keeping his mouth shut for the first time in forever. My frown deepened to a pout as I leaned back, not quite understanding why I had to back off all of a sudden. Sehun cleared his throat and rested his cheeks on his palms as he glanced at me sideways with a pair of unwaveringly calm eyes, “If the Rebel is planning to obstruct us on this job, then we just have to think of a counterattack, right? That’s probably what Suho’s thinking of right now.”

Sehun had always had this kind of effect on people – like he was air. His presence was there, but everything else about him was so light; his words, the atmosphere he created, and how easily he made all things alright even when they weren’t. Sometimes I wasn’t quite sure whether or not this person was real because nothing about him was solid. I always thought of him as something ephemeral. Like the moment I blinked, all that would be left was memories of the past. And the rest just slipped away so easily from my grasp. I hated it – feeling like I could not quite catch it, and the moment I did, I had to lose it so quickly.

“Sera,” Kai called out, and I broke off the staring contest to look at his large hands, gripping tightly onto the steering wheel. I answered him with a soft ‘un’ and as soon as he got my attention, Kai chuckled and said, “Stop staring at each other like lovers. The rest of us are actually gawking from the awkwardness of being the X-number of wheel to the two of you.” I almost, almost blushed when Luhan started laughing a little from the joke. I was probably the only one who didn’t find him funny. So as usual, I glared – because glaring was the thing I did best, “How did the conversation turn to this? We were clearly trying to deal with something serious here.”

“You’re seriously no fun, Sera. I swear that you will get more wrinkles in ten years if you continue living a workaholic life like this,” Kai complained and I resisted the urge to grab him by the ear because (1) he was older than me, and I was raised in an environment of age superiority, and (2) he was driving. Nobody wanted to be involved in a road accident tonight. So I touched his shoulder lightly and leaned close to his ears, smiling through the mirror challengingly, “You’ll find that I could be plenty of fun, but not on matters like this.”

Kai’s eyebrows were knitted together and he immediately shot up, “Why not?”

“Because I hate jokes about love,” I coldly shut him up and returned back to my seat, indicating that such topic was no longer in question. Because I didn’t just hate it. I loathed it with all my heart – granted that of course, I still possessed one after all that happened. I must have overestimated Kai’s sensitivity towards such matter because instead of keeping his mouth shut, he grew more curious and persistent, shooting all kinds of questions continuously when I didn’t pay him any attention.

Sehun’s eyes twitched a little but he remained silent after.

“Sehun is right,” Suho suddenly spoke, and the heavy atmosphere, which Kai had single-handedly created with much effort was now nothing but a waste. He did try, though, and my opinion on him improved a little. “We cannot cancel this negotiation, because we have accepted this mission. Our job is to deal with the Rebel and any other parties trying to intervene. However, whether or not the negotiation fail is out of our jurisdiction. I understand your concern, Sera. There is no guarantee that anyone from both countries would try to sell us out. What we can do is minimising the damage possible.”

“So what do we do?” I searched through the plastic bag placed in the front of Sehun’s feet and found a large pack of chips. I squinted my eyes a little when I saw the honey barbecue flavour and tore it open mercilessly. “Yes, you are right. I didn’t see any information about us, or this meeting being traded off as part of their deals. However, I saw in their minds that they have been selling off information about their own countries in the dark web, which means that they are willing to do anything to make more money, even at the expense of a World War III, or betraying their countries. I don’t think there is much guilty conscience left for these people.” Or for most people. As long as something was beneficial and they would not be involved in the aftermath, almost anyone would jump into this kind of opportunity without much hesitation.

I had seen far too many betrayals that such things did not faze me anymore. It was almost ridiculous how human nature worked – sometimes we wanted the best for everybody, because we were either too naïve to know of the world or wanted to be a hero in people’s eyes, or we plunged into the darkness because of greed. For more power, wealth, love, lust. Things people did for sins… I, for one, didn’t care too much as well, because I had long given up on my own belief of what was right and wrong. There was never a line I couldn’t cross to begin with.

“Of course, it would be hard,” Suho smiled bashfully. He looked gentle, warm – approachable, every bit like that man who I used to think of every minutes, every seconds, every night and morning. Then his smile turned to something more mature – like an adult coaxing a child; kind in the surface but a little sinister in nature. “But if you are willing to help, then everything will become easier.” He continued with a very persuasive voice that was impossible to resist, “So much easier, in fact, but not without potential casualty. The question is: would you do it? Do you want to help us in it?”

Five pair of eyes rested on me like they had found an interesting object to stare at. I wanted to roll my eyes and scoffed, but they were waiting for an honest answer from this very own mouth. I was perplexed at the confidence they had for me, but at the same time, the trust warmed my heart a little. It wasn’t everyday that people put in their lives as a bet, especially in this kind of job. So I chuckled lightly and nodded, “Em. Sure. I’m part of this team, am I not? Why are you guys being so formal all of a sudden? After all, what else am I here for if I cannot help out with my ability?”

“That’s what I want to hear,” And I swore, in that split second, Suho's voice seemed to have softened up. My heart beat picked up a little when he said that. It was good that they trusted me, even though it was only for a mission. At least they had faith that I would not sell them out to the Rebel or the likes. I wouldn’t – I told myself firmly. I really wouldn’t. “Now, here is the plan. And I want Kai and Sera to listen very carefully. Because whether or not we are successful will depend very much on how well you will perform on that day.”

* * *

“You trust her, Hun?”

Luhan looked up to the same midnight sky that Sehun was starring at a few feet above from the rooftop. He knew the wind picked up his words and brought them to Sehun. The man didn’t have to look down to know who was calling him from such distance. Baekhyun didn’t care enough to start a casual conversation. Kai tried to avoid him unless it was absolutely necessary. Suho wasn’t one for late night heart-to-heart talk. So he jumped down from the rooftop to the ground, landing safely without breaking his frail-looking body due to the force of the air around him.

Due to the lack of exposure to the sun, Sehun’s skin was unusually pale. It was the only flaw on his otherwise bewitching appearance. Under the dim light of the garden lamps, he looked like a spirit with two soulless eyes that stared straight back, waiting. When he saw that Luhan was truly and completely alone, without the presence of others, he let down his guard and sat down at the chair. “Why are you asking me such a question? It’s unlike you to care, Luhan, whether or not we can trust each other in a mission.”

Luhan was a little bit concerned of the younger man’s well-being, particularly his mental health. He didn’t want Sehun to bottle up everything. “Because you treat Sera differently. That’s why.”

“I do,” Sehun didn’t bother concealing anything at all and directly spat it on Luhan’s face. Although he had known it to be true, to hear it with his own ears was that of a different matter. He had known Sehun for at least one third of his life and he knew very well what this man was like. For him, there was never an in-between. If he liked something, he would pour all his energy into it. But if he was hurt, he would let go of everything so cleanly there would not be a trace of what had been. He didn’t have any qualms cutting people or things off of his life. “I am interested in her ability. In her potential. In her. It’s not everyday I see someone like her.”

“Why? What’s different about Jung Sera? We have plenty of similar S-class abilities in the headquarter every year.”

Luhan was asking but Sehun kept mum. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure of himself. Maybe the young Sera had reminded him of something he used to be – someone he wanted to protect but couldn’t. The very bit of his past he clung onto but wanted to let go. He, of all people, knew of attachment very well and he used to loathe the idea of it. Maybe he saw Sera as a replacement of that someone. Or maybe because he wanted to cherish that fragment of his past that he knew existed once upon a long time ago. He was still confused. He didn’t know why too. Many times he asked himself but he never got an answer to it. So in the end, he let those questions go. He would do what he felt like he needed to do. Without boundaries, or limits, or righteousness to bind him. “I don’t know. I want to protect her.”

“You are treating her like an object, Sehun,” Luhan sighed. He had long wanted to suggest this after he heard him speak in the ground of Rio a few nights ago, but with all the things that happened recently, they had been thrown into endless problems that never seemed to cease. “Like she is a thing. Not a person. You are my friend but she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. Of course, it is an entirely different thing if you actually like her. As in her as Jung Sera, and not a thing you have to possess or protect or polish.”

“Do you think that I was perhaps, wrong? In wanting to protect her even just a little because I am interested in her potential?” Sehun leaned back and stared at the stars for a long time. Luhan rarely heard him question himself so openly. It felt weird to talk to a man he knew who suddenly turned unfamiliar at the face of this question. But his doubt was not unfounded and he had every reason to be. Jung Sera, after all, was a pretty special case. The Twelve had always operated the way they were, seemingly missing the last piece of the puzzle before she came. She was that piece who completed the whole team. And she was a woman, despite her reluctance to fit in immediately to gain their favour. She had their attentions, and yet, she acted in every way possible to throw them off. It was almost as if she wanted them to despise her instead.

“It’s not wrong to be interested in someone. It’s also not wrong for you to want to protect her. But think about it this way, Sehun. If she didn’t have this ability with her, would you still care for her? Would you still look after her? Are you like Doctor Lee and the Old General, treating her like an experimental subject whom you wish to dissect for her ability to perform? Or do you care for her because of something else?” Perhaps it was attraction at the first sight when they met in his room. But Luhan was tongue-tied and he felt most reluctant to ask.

Sehun frowned a little. He didn’t want to think so much for now. “I don’t know, Luhan. I honestly… don’t know.”

* * *

“Can’t sleep?”

I saw Suho on my way back from the toilet. He was standing in the balcony with the same attire he had in the afternoon. There was a glass of milk on his hand, the other one reaching to the open air like he could feel the breeze through his fingertips. He looked like a man who had the whole universe in his hand, but at this very moment, his back portrayed a heavy burden and a lonely figure. My heart gave another thud when he turned around slowly and faced me, “I guess so. I have been having trouble sleeping lately.”

“I never take you as a man who likes milk,” I laughed and walked up to where he was. We stood side by side and let the breeze slipped in-between us, playing with our hair to its whimsical cheerfulness. All in the name of two sleepless souls who wandered the night in our own loneliness. “I thought you would be the whiskey type, or wine, champagne, and caffeine, since you always seem so composed and sophisticated.”

“Cheers,” He laughed loudly, in a completely unrestrained manner. Frankly speaking, I was taken aback because Suho always seemed to be hiding something in his sleeves, and now, he looked so youthful and free, not an ounce of who he was in front of other people. When the façade came off, I started to relax and treated him more as a companion than a potential enemy. “I only drink when I need to. It’s not like I particularly enjoy alcohol. Besides, milk calms me down at night. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep after counting sheeps and whatnot, I will go out and drink a glass of milk. It does help.”

“If you say so.” I was barefooted, and my feet were icy cold. I bit my lips and braced the wind with my thin nightgown. Suho happened to see that and took off his outer jacket to cover me up. It felt a little warmer after. I shot him a grateful smile and he shrugged it off like it was only natural for him to do so without asking for anything in return. “You know, Sera, I have a question that’s been bothering me for a bit.”

I gave an affirmative hum and nodded, “Talk to me, then.”

“Do you hate love?”

I furrowed my eyebrows instinctively and put a distance between us. He chuckled and shook his head in amusement as he continued, “I’m not asking you to tell your story. I just want to talk about love in a generic perspective. I am curious of your response, especially since you reacted so strongly to Kai’s joke. I figure something must have triggered you so.” When he saw that I was still standing in one corner, he sighed and raised his eyebrow at me, “Calm down, Sera. Nobody forces you to answer. I’m asking out of curiosity. If you feel that I am probing into your privacy, I am sorry. I just want to… know. Not from the Union’s perspective, or because I suspected you to be a spy or questioned your loyalty,” He laughed lightly, “No. I want to know. As a friend, you could say. Or if that’s too much, then as someone who wants to understand you a little more.”

“You are so alike,” I pursed my lips and pouted. “The two of you are so alike – you, and that man I loved. So decisive, ambitious, confident, people-centered. You both talk like you genuinely care for everyone.” I shook my head and supported my cheeks with both hands. “I hate love. I find the idea suffocating. But it’s not like I shun the idea forever, you know. I imagine one day, maybe next month, maybe in a year or ten, I will love someone again. I don’t want an ordinary kind of love, though. I have had many experiences with it. Some painful, some happy, some disappointing.”

“Suho,” I looked at him earnestly. He was startled when I called out his name, but I continued anyway, regardless of a rational part telling me not to, “Have you ever had your heart broken? Not… just broken. Torn down. Shattered. Like it just stopped beating. And you are suddenly left with these memories that won’t stop replaying. Then no matter what you do, all the songs, those sappy dramas, the broken frames and the old photos in your phones, everywhere you go, everything you do just remind you of him. Have you ever been so broken you wished you could die instead? And try you might because the pain is too much. The burden is too heavy, because all this while you fought with him by your side, thinking that it would last forever, and that no matter what happen, you would always have a home to come back to. Now that place you belonged to has been taken away. It's gone.”

Not a single tear slipped out, as I blinked them all away, “You used to wake up every day, thinking that you could do the impossible because someone has your back, that person is supporting you, and even if the whole world goes against you, he will still be with you. And then now, you suddenly find yourself waking up, alone. You go to bed, alone. And whatever you do, nothing could fill in that hole that bleeds. It keeps on bleeding, even until now. I’m not a brave person, Suho. That’s why I hate love. Because I’m still hurting. And my heart is still breaking.”

There was a long pause after.

“So what kind of love do you seek for?”

I laughed, like it was the most amusing thing I had heard of in a while (and maybe it was). Who asked me such questions nowadays. People of the modern world only cared for your worth. Your values. What you could bring to the table. Transcendentals like me were treated like an object. Our self-worth was no longer determined by our dignity. Or personality. It was all defined by numbers and words – money and power. Nobody asked intimate, personal questions anymore. I peeked at Suho through my arms and replied, “A love that stays. The ride-or-die kind of love. A love where we are both equally involved and I am as happy as I am in love. Something that will consume me whole and makes me feel more alive than ever.”

I want a love that would burn me and set my soul ablaze.

Someone. Anyone. But maybe... he would never come.