T/W: strong themes of illness, mentions of past character death

It turned out there was one thing that could help Jongdae get out of the rut he’d gotten himself into.

Queer Eye.

No, he wasn’t joking.

After lying to himself for a couple of days Jongdae eventually admitted that what he was doing was completely and totally unhealthy. He’d not been checking emails, he hadn’t stuck to the regime that Sehun had helped him build, he’d totally fallen off the wagon. Genuinely, he was midway through an episode of Queer Eye, crying his heart out because the fab five were telling the man who was being made over that self-love doesn’t come from pretending to be someone you’re not, but by accepting that the person you are, the person you aspire to be, is good enough.

And boy, did he need that.

Wallowing, hiding, pretending. That’s all he’d been doing. He hadn’t exactly been nice to himself either, he was always quite hard on himself, always doubting himself. It wasn’t any kind of secret that he was a negative person, he’d always been like this. But it wasn’t until he sat back and realised how much he actually had that he realised that maybe there was no need to be so pessimistic. He had his health (physical at least), he had a high school education and a job, he lived alone and no one else depended on him. He wasn’t totally hurting for money, he was stable at least, he wasn’t starving. There were so many things to be thankful for, he just needed that spark to get the ball rolling, make him get into the mindset of, yes, I am going to be okay.

That spark came in the form of an early morning email, from one of the universities he’d applied to. Because he’d just woken up, to get ready for his shift, he’d thought he was dreaming, or that it was a figment of his imagination. After a couple of minutes of rubbing the sleep from his eyes and trying to jumpstart his brain and body, he realised that it wasn’t a dream. The email notification was the top banner across his phone. Korea University, College of Nursing.

To Mr Kim,

Congratulations! We are delighted to offer you a conditional place on our undergraduate nursing course starting in January-

“Holy ! Holy ing !” he literally leapt out of bed, throwing his covers back with so much force they went flying off the other side.

Finally, after so much time feeling like he wasn’t worth it, or that he would never be accepted. He’d finally been offered a place. Of course, he’d still have to sit an examination, like the rest of them, but he truly didn’t care about that right now. He needed to call his mom-

Wait, he still had to go into work. Great.

“I’ll call her during my lunch break,” he said to himself, before shuffling off to go shower.

--

“You’re such a handsome young man! My granddaughter would love you so!”

If Kyungsoo had a dollar for every time he’d heard that, well… it wouldn’t be much use since they don’t use dollars in Korea, but that’s beside the point. He’d probably be very rich.

He laughed, as politely as he could, the frankly quite adorable old lady he’d been attending to so far this morning suffered from diabetes and had been brought into them essentially in a coma. She’d been in resus for a few hours, dosed up with insulin and under constant observation. “Thank you, Miss.”

“Where is she by the way? She was supposed to come to visit me at home, I hope she hasn’t been caught up in all that city traffic.” the lady frowned.

Kyungsoo had no idea, he was about 97% sure that no one had called her, unfortunately, the lady was approaching the later stages of dementia, and often forgot her insulin doses. This wasn’t the first time she’d been brought into the emergency department whilst he was on shift, if his memory was right then he’d already seen her at least six times this year alone. Why she wasn’t in a safer place where the family could keep an eye on her, he didn’t know.

“I’ll go see if she’s been called, but I need you to drink that before I leave, understand?” pointing to the small cup of orange juice.

She followed his finger, seeming surprised to see the orange juice there on her little table. “Oh! Of course, dear,” she smiled, rickety fingers struggling to open the foil topped cup.

Kyungsoo hated watching her struggle. “Would you like me to help?” he asked softly, placing a hand on top of her own.

She hummed, “Yes if you wouldn’t mind, I’ve not really been good at opening containers since I started getting arthritis.”

The poor thing. Kyungsoo made a mental note to contact the family and social services, that way they could come up with a plan to make sure she was well looked after and not in the hospital on a monthly basis.

As he handed the cup back to her, she thanked him. He wanted to stay and make sure she finished it all off before he moved onto the next patient in majors, but he was interrupted by Sehun joining him at his side. He had a weird look on his face, then he put his hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. Staring at him blankly, he saw a commotion on the other side of resus, a new patient had been brought in and they were surrounded with various different members of staff. Did they want him to help?

“Kyungsoo, you’re needed over in resus. I can take over for you here.” normally Kyungsoo wouldn’t have a problem with swapping and going over to help, but the way Sehun was talking to him made him feel like he’d done something wrong, like a child asking for forgiveness.

“Okay, sure,” he spared one last glance to the lady, then another for Sehun as he took his leave.

Walking over, he felt like he was being stared at. Various different people who were stood either at the nurse's station or attending other patients would turn to look at him. Did he do something wrong? He hated feeling like he was being paranoid but he was certain that the amount of attention he was getting was abnormal.

What was going on?

“... GCS of fifteen, no previous history of chest pains.”

As he reached the bay, he was struggling to see anything through the crowd of people. The large and bulky paramedic equipment was taking up a majority of the room around the bed, and what free space that was left was filled with people. He tiptoed, trying to see over people’s shoulders but it didn’t work.

Eventually, he decided to just push through, he was the head nurse, after all, he should have been informed of a red phone call before anyone else. But he wished he hadn’t, he felt his stomach drop.

“Mom!”

The people next to him were startled at the loudness of his voice, before quickly moving out of his way. No one dares object to him pushing in front of the doctors as he got as close to the bed as he physically could. She looked up at him, looking so… small.

“Kyungsoo…”

She was covered in wires, heart monitor stickers, her shirt had been removed and she had been dressed in a hospital gown already. An oxygen mask had been placed on her, so her voice was muffled and quiet. She reached out to him with a free hand, which he took and gripped onto like his life depended on it.

“Mom, what’s wrong? What happened?” his voice was wavering, the sight of his mother in a hospital bed brought back horrid memories that he’d suppressed. He wasn’t in control of his emotions anymore.

“Oh I was at the market, and I had this awful chest pain… the lady who sells the chamoes sat me down and called an ambulance for me. I’m fine now, don’t worry.” she tried to smile, but Kyungsoo could barely see it.

Chest pain, the heart monitor stickers… they thought she’d had a heart attack. Oh god, not again, please not again…

“Sweetie, don’t cry, I’m okay, I promise,” with knowing eyes, she looked up to him. She tried to reach over to wipe tears that Kyungsoo hadn’t even known were there, but her arm was being restricted by the long grey wires.

Minseok stepped forward from the back, gently touching Kyungsoo’s arm to get his attention. If it wasn’t for him he would have completely forgotten about the rest of the doctors that surrounded them both. “Come, let’s go to the relative’s room while the doctors take a look at her, okay?”

“I don’t want to leave-”

“Just come, they won’t be long,” he tugged this time, firmer.

He felt like his feet were glued to the ground, he didn’t to be anywhere but by her side but he knew the protocol. His mom gave him a scolding look, her way of telling him he needed to listen to what his colleagues were telling him to do and go. Feeling her hand slip out of his grip, Minseok guided him through the crowd. He heard the cardiac nurse call to him that they won’t be long, but he couldn’t even acknowledge it.

He’s been here before, long ago, and he didn't want to be here again. Memories were flooding his head, making him feel numb and anxious. This time he didn’t bother to see if his colleagues stared at him, he suddenly didn’t have the energy.

The relative’s room was tiny, some uncomfortable pleather seats and a goodwill coffee table with outdated magazines. He’d been in here before, of course, but usually to talk to the relatives, now he was the relative he wasn’t sure what to do.

Closing the door behind them, Minseok gestured for him to sit. It wasn’t comfortable, the silence. It was full of unanswered questions are fear. Minseok sighed. Kyungsoo wasn’t really sure how to feel, he’d spent years being this headstrong person, someone who could be relied on at work when everything went pear-shaped. But when things got personal, he faltered. It was a weakness of his, he had to be in control of situations or he couldn’t function. Now here he was, being ordered out of his own ER, angrily wiping away tears which just wouldn’t stop.

He heard Minseok take a seat next to him, the chairs made awful squeaking noises when sat on. Minseok’s dainty hands were joint together, his promise ring glinting in the overly warm lighting. Kyungsoo hated the silence.

“It’s so easy to distance yourself from patients when you don’t know them. But to see her like that… I… I see it nearly every day, but it’s just because it's her,” he was thinking out loud, rambling in a way. He didn't want Minseok to think he would lose his rag like this if it was anyone else, he wanted him to understand why.

“Hey, I don’t ask any of the other relatives to explain themselves, why would I ask you? It’s fine, Kyungsoo.” he felt a warm hand on his back, it was comforting, he knew Minseok was trying.

His scrubs were dotted with dark blue stains, tears which he’d not managed to wipe away in time. “God, I feel so stupid for crying and being like this.”

“Why? There’s nothing wrong with crying. No one is judging you.”

He didn’t respond, he didn’t need to. Ducking his head down, he covered his face, sighing.

“I’m gonna go get you a coffee, I’ll be right back.”

The door clicked open, some sounds of machines and commotion could be heard, then the door clicked shut once more. Silence returned.

Of course, they knew he wouldn’t be able to work after seeing his own mother in majors, but there was nothing more that he’d like to do right now if anything just to distract him. Obviously, he’d rather be with his mom, but if he couldn’t do that why couldn’t they have just sent him to minors? Or for a break? Why did they have to bring him to the relative’s room where it’s too damn quiet and all he can do is think about the unknown?

In times of duress, or when he needs a distraction, he threw himself into his work, or before he worked, into his studies. If he filled his head with knowledge or busied his hands, surely he wouldn’t be able to think about the bad things, right?

This situation was too familiar to him, to the point where it made him uncomfortable. Before he had his mom with him, now he was alone. The burden of everything fell to his shoulders, and his alone. Who did he have to call? Did he still have his aunt’s number? How would she react? What steps were they going to take now? There was just too many damn questions and not enough answers. It was far too overwhelming, and after a short amount of time he felt his resolve breaking, the tears were free-flowing.

His chest ached with that horrible feeling, he wasn’t sure if it was grief or fear.  Either way, it hurt and he hated it.

When Minseok returned, the strong smell of black coffee came too. Kyungsoo didn’t want to look up, he was too ashamed to show Minseok that he’d been crying. Minseok’s own mug was placed on the table in front of them both as Minseok returned to the seat next to him, accompanied by the squeaking noise. It was stupid that the sound made Kyungsoo laugh.

“Yeah, they really need to update the furniture in this room,” he said, trying to change the topic of conversation so that Kyungsoo could feel better.

Though he appreciated the effort, it didn’t exactly work. He hadn’t moved, he was still hiding his face, so Minseok’s arm returned, trying to comfort him in any way possible. He knew Minseok wasn’t too keen on showing physical affection or care, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

“I think Tao is going to come in and talk to you, hi