[word count : 1704] [post]

I.
in that sudden silence, he stood still in the living room, like a carefully carved marble sculpture, just inches away from the door with his head hung low.

the main door slammed so hard that he could feel its vibrations on the walls of their sanctuary - vibrations which he now feels coming through his entire body. he clenched his fists hard as he felt himself trembling. there was a bloody rush of heat to his head, making him slightly dizzy. as he dragged his feet across the room, he closed his eyes tight, his jaw clenched so hard that he felt an ache in the back of his mouth. he knew that he could no longer hold it in, no matter how hard he tried. as he leaned his head forward into the comforts of his own two hands, he let it all go.

his beautiful tanned face, now smeared with trails of tears - tears of anger, of hate, of love, of regret. seated carelessly there on the leather couch, he was no longer kai, public’s most desirable bachelor, but he was just a ball of mess of jongin and of himself. his body was shaking hard as he sobbed harder, each time he thought about their endless fights and their heated arguments about what seems to be, stupid silly things.

they have fought, argued and made up many times about this, but somehow it felt different this time. he knew deep down, for the first time in many years that they have been fighting a losing battle together, this time, it felt like its the end.

he lets out a thunderous yell of frustration but then his cries of anguish, pain and regret quickly got drowned by the music playing in the background, which seemed like it was mocking him, and coincidentally had been on repeat since he got back.

“… you
i hate you
ani, miss you
i love you …”

II.
ji : soo, im home!

ks : i thought you wont be coming back since i read that you had alot of fun.

ji : stop reading or believing those online trash.

ks : why? issit because they are true?

ji : no. its because we always end up arguing over nothing. im too tired now so dont start. come here, i want a long hug.

ks : …

ji : seriously soo?

ks : you cannot just pretend all is good and want a hug.

ji : what are you talking about?

ks : you told me you have a modelling assignment overseas, but obviously you missed out on telling me it was a near pictorial with another female.

ji : it was professional distance, soo. ok my bad that i was not entirely honest with you. i dont want you to be upset.

ks : but you kept lying to me! just tell me the goddamn truth. why are you hiding it if its truth? and these pictures, what “professional distance” are you talking about? you both are all over one another! why cant you just reject this job?

ji : soo! why are you like this? it was just a job. it pays well and im here with you now.

ks : that is not the point, jongin. im not angry about the job, although you can choose to do it or not. im angry at you for lying to me. again. you kept saying you dont want to me to be upset but each time, i get more upset that you lied.

ji : i dont get you soo. you want me to be happy, to live my dreams yet when opportunities comes, im suppose to reject them? i didnt lie to you, soo. i know the pictures will be out sooner or later but i want to be around when you see those pictures so i can comfort you!

ks : you dont get me anymore. i dont know how else to explain how im feeling right now. you think you are protecting my feelings, but all you are doing constantly is hurt them. i dont know how long more i can tolerate this.

ji : tolerate? you are saying that all these while, you are forced to “tolerate” this? noone puts a gun to your head to go through this, soo. it was your choice and it was my choice to walk through this difficult path. i thought we were in this together.

ks : we are! but that also means you dont lie to me or hide the truth from me. it is hard enough to pretend to be “normal” to society so dont make it harder please.

ji : so im the one who is making it harder for us? is that what you think? how do you think i feel each time you spend time with those close friends or hyungs or whoever, and i cant even be there because you are afraid it will too “obvious”? those drunk drinking sessions you have, those friends vacations you can openly go and those pictures of you being so close to them - you think im okay with that, soo?

ks : at least i didnt lie to you about them!

ji : so im wrong because i lied and i didnt wanna hurt you so you got hurt? but it is okay that im hurt by your actions because you didnt lie? what the , soo.

ks : dont use that word on me. dont curse just because you are in the wrong.

ji : im not in the wrong soo, usually i give in to you but this time, its ridiculous that we are even having this stupid fight. its just a job. why are you always like this? i cannot do this anymore.

ks : what do you mean by that?

ji : why dont you trust me? no matter what happens out there, in my heart here, its you. why cant you give me that trust?

ks : because trust is earned, not a given. trust is built through honesty, love and commitment. if you cant even be honest with me, why do you deserve any of my trust?

ji : fine then. its my fault. always was, always is and always have been. im not good for you anymore.

ks : this is not a ing blame game, jongin. cant you see what im really feeling? i have my insecurities too! i am human too! you have all these women and men throwing themselves at you all the time, and all i can do is watch and smile. what do you really expect me to do? all im asking is for you to be honest with me. thats all. if thats too hard, then off, jongin. im leaving. this is it!

III.
he couldnt drive any further. his vision blurred by those damn tears he hated so much. he thought he had no more tears left but each time, he find himself wiping his tears away vigourously that it hurts his cheeks and face.

as the view of their shared apartment slowly disappeared from his rear view mirror, he accelerated even more. he was sure that he exceeded all the speed limits but he doesnt care anymore. he swerved his sleek black car and stopped abruptly at a bumpy side road, off the main road he has been on for the last ten minutes. both his hands were still firmly grabbing the steering wheel but he couldnt drive anymore.

as he kept thinking about what happened, he leaned back further into his seat and let out a scream so loud that the echoes in that confined space, hurt his ears. he wished so much that he knew how to channel his anger properly, or express what he really feels well enough.

for the past years, he never gave up on them, kept trying to be the best that he can be and always a supporting partner who only wants the best for both of them. it has never been an easy path, but they chose to walk it together. but enough is enough. everyone has their limits, everyone has their weakness and with the recent news, he couldnt control himself any longer and he allowed all the anger, distrust and resentment to show its ugly selves earlier.

for someone who has been acting in various challenges roles, kyungsoo find himself out of control this time and he was unable to get out of this real character he is in, right this moment. he hated himself more than he hated anyone else.

it was easier to act in beautiful movies than to live in harsh reality, he thought to himself. he opened his eyes and looked ahead into nothingness, and he becomes more aware of his surroundings. he slowly realised that the car player seem to be repeating a familiar song. instantly he recognised it was the song that jongin has been practising to lately for his upcoming dance performance.

then it hit him - he took the wrong car key and he was driving jongin’s car.

“… you
i hate you
ani, miss you
i love you …”

IV.
jongin looked up as he heard someone keying in the entrance password to their apartment. he knew it was kyungsoo because the password was known only to both of them, as a measure to protect their privacy.

as kyungsoo opened the door slowly, his heart was beating faster than usual. it was just minutes ago that he had walked out with no intention of coming back but obviously, the universe still believed in them and aligned itself so well that he had taken the wrong car key.

ji : soo?

ks : jongin?

ji : you.

ks : i hate you.

ji : i miss you.

ks : i love you.

V. 
they spent that friday the thirteenth, renewing their faith and trust in each other, devouring every single inch of their bodies and marking their deepest affection with endless rhythmic dance of lusting and longing. the universe spoke the language of love on that day.