My steps become heavier as I’m entering the icu. Hyungwon is kind enough as he holds my hand and leads me to you. Then I saw a figure lying in front of me but, I’m not sure if it is really you or someone else. Oh god, why is it so hard for me to accept the reality?

 

Step by step and now I’m here, standing right beside you. I sighed. It is really you. Even though your head is fully bandaged and the breathing tube is inside your mouth, I still can see your face, your eyes and your big nose. I smiled at my own thought. You look so soft right now kyunnie and it makes my heart hurts so much.

 

The 25% of chance to survive that Minhyuk just said before I think I can relate it so much with how you look like right now. If it’s me, I’ll say 15% only. Honestly, I didn’t hope much kyunnie because won’t it makes me a bad brother if I force you to wake up? I don’t want to be a bad brother anymore, enough with what I’ve caused to you… enough…

 

But… I still want you to recover dear. Yes I’m pity at you but I can’t resist my ego to see you open your eyes and laugh again like before. . There’s your bad brother changkyun. He is so selfish! He is a bad person! He is bad because he wants you back!

 

“Don’t cry Kihyunnie, you should be stronger for him…” Hyungwon’s words startles me from my too deep thoughts. He is right. I should keep being positive.

 

Kyunnie, I know you didn’t even know that I'm here with you. I’ll always stay by your side and I promise, I will never ever repeat my mistake towards you. I’ll give my whole time for you and I don’t mind if it’s for days, weeks, months or years as long as… as long as you promise to wake up and become healthier after this. I take a deep breath and closes my eyes.

 

 

 

The next day I met with jooheon who dropped by the hospital to visit changkyun. I told him everything that I knew about changkyun’s condition as he is very close with both of us and I also had assumed him as my younger brother. He was very surprised and started to shed tears right after I finished my words.

 

i wanted to confront him so I hugged him. I thought i’ve gained a little strength since my first time hearing it but then, I cried too. I admitted it was hard for Jooheon and a bit too much for me. Even though I’m not alone going through this but I still needed time to slowly accepting reality.

 

So both of us cried until… until we felt better. Jooheon then went into changkyun’s icu room.

 

I’m not following him even though two visitors are allowed at a time, I wanted to give both of them some spaces. Jooheon has been so nice to us and when I had to go outstation, jooheon was the one who accompanied changkyun at home. But i was thinking, did changkyun ever told him about our problem? Maybe both of them had been sharing story with each other. Unknowingly I dozed off and woke up right before jooheon saw me.

 

I went silent after that - thinking but I didn’t take a long time to figure out when changkyun had time to work out his plan.

 

 

Jooheon couldn’t proceed with his words. That means that changkyun had planned about it months before. His plan was very smooth and undetectable. He really wanted to kill me... Suddenly Jooheon held my hands.

 

 

I almost lost it. If jooheon didn’t calm me with those words, I’ve already ask Minhyuk or Hyungwon to stop his breathing machine. I forgot I’m the one who caused all the mess to start. Oh god, what I’ve done!

 

I hugged Jooheon and told him that he’s definitely better than me before I cried. Again. I remembered the last time I cried this much was when our parent left us to chase their dream. Dream my ..

 

But… I didn’t realize now I’ve been exactly like them.

You’re right,

Changkyun.