another christmas with minho’s family & this time they visit taeyeon & jinki in the couple’s modest home.  it’s two stories & a soft yellow with a grassy yard fenced in with metal chain link.  a medium sized curly brown dog joins the boys as they run towards the gate & into their cousin’s arms, the baby from last year toddling behind.  taeyeon waves from the porch with a hand at her back, her belly swelling gently beneath her dress while jinki pats minho on the back & gives eunsook a side-hug.  they’d been invited to stay with the couple but minho had insisted on staying in the hotel down the street.  a five-minute drive gives them their privacy & a hot shower & greater odds that their sleep won’t be interrupted by little hands patting at their shoulders asking to play.

right now they’re joining the family for a chicken dinner that taeyeon sheepishly confesses jinki cooked though she’s quick to add that the green bean casserole & warmed store-bought rolls were put together by her own hands.

there’s pie afterwards & a brief interlude while the boys’ teeth are brushed & they’re dressed in pajamas bearing the images of a superhero, dinosaurs, & polka dots respectively.  their kisses are bubblegum fresh before they’re led away & tucked into their shared room. 

taeyeon sighs when they come back & jinki pulls out her chair.  her head drops to his shoulder & she smiles tiredly at the couple.

“this is typically the point in the conversation when people like us ask people like you when you’re going to join us in the baby brigade.  don’t worry, this drill master will not be posing that particular question.  just tell me what wonderful adult things you’re doing & show me pictures of you doing it.”

“well,” eunsook starts, “i do have video of minho getting a massage.”  taeyeon sits up, her eyes brightening.

“really?” 

“yes.  it’s on my phone.  just give me a minute & i’ll go pull it out.”

taeyeon’s laughter at the sounds coming from eunsook’s phone pierces the dining room & eunsook jumps when her hand slaps the table.  

other little moments of their quiet life archived within the files on her phone are pulled up & flipped through.  eunsook watches taeyeon lean into jinki while they watch video jonghyun had taken of minho & eunsook playing volleyball in the lake & then sent to minho later that week.  taeyeon laughs at the picture of minho cooking breakfast in shorts shirtless with his apron tied around his waist.  she smiles at the selfie they’d taken at the cabin on their anniversary & grows quiet when the photograph of them after their valentine’s dinner shows up; there’s an almost imperceptible flinch that has eunsook glancing at minho. 

the mood has shifted though taeyeon still smiles when she hands eunsook back her phone.  there’s a sudden quiet that neither of their hosts seem able or willing to fill & eunsook turns to minho as he begins to stand & says that they should get back to the hotel & get some rest for the party the next morning.

“ok.  sure.”  there’s a pause & then they’re both standing, jinki pulling taeyeon’s chair out & placing a hand at her waist as they move out of the room.  there are hugs all around & a quick “bye!” from each & then minho’s opening the rental car door & they’re heading to their hotel room.

they’re inside & out of their coats & he’s in the bathroom brushing his teeth when she leans against the door & asks if something seemed off with taeyeon before they left.  he pauses in his brushing, glancing at her in the mirror with a foamy mouth before turning back to his own reflection & then down at the sink.  a minute passes before he rinses & spits & his back turns to her for a brief moment while he pats his face with a towel.

“yes, i noticed that too.”  he moves past her into the main room, pulling his shirt over his head & stepping out of his jeans.  there’s something about the way he answers her that keeps her from pressing & instead she goes into the bathroom herself & begins to wash up for bed.

the room is warm but eunsook is still cold so she wraps her arms around minho’s bicep & snuggles up against his chest instead of slipping on socks.  they haven’t spoken since her question though there’s no tension, just curiosity on her part.  they fall asleep in silence.

when eunsook sees taeyeon the next day it’s the same smiley woman she had met a year ago, three little boys running around at her knees & a surprise making their presence known in the bump at her waist.  her eyes light up when she sees eunsook & she grabs her hand to drag her over to minjung, introducing her to assorted aunts, uncles, & cousins along the way. 

“eunsook.”  minjung’s arms rise & eunsook leans into the embrace.  they take a seat at the table with her, taeyeon to her side with eunsook centered between her husband’s family & they spend the next hour chatting while jinki & minho talk on the other side of the room, keeping an eye on the kids.

the pictures & videos she’d shown taeyeon the night before are shown to minjung now & this time she watches taeyeon’s face before the picture of them on valentine’s day shows up.  it’s there again, the subtle flinch, a fade to her smile that makes eunsook sad to watch & worried as to the cause.  minjung compliments her on the look & chastises her for not wearing her glasses, laughing in embarrassment when eunsook explains she’d worn her contacts for the night.  she’s not wearing them tonight; the glasses she’s worn for the last three years sitting prominently on her nose.

minjung steps away for a moment & eunsook turns quickly to taeyeon placing a hand over the other woman’s fingers.

“are you all right?”  taeyeon’s confused smile makes her feel better though she still worries.

“yes.”  it comes out as more of a question than an answer & eunsook rushes on.

“you just seem sad when you see that picture.”  taeyeon’s eyes are immediately guarded & her tone is a little too even when she asks, “what picture?”

“taeyeon.”  the other sighs under eunsook’s gaze & glances over to where their husbands stand & back to eunsook, the smile on her lips a little too sad.

“it’s nothing, really.  sometimes i wish we hadn’t started having kids so young.  i’m twenty-three & i’ve already had three boys.  don’t get me wrong at all.  i love my children, i love my husband: i wouldn’t trade any of them for anything anyone could offer.  there are times though that i wish i could get dressed up in a fancy dress with my hair & nails done & go have a weekend with jinki, just the two of us.  he’s really good about making sure that i have ‘me’ time.  it’s no problem at all for me to get away for a few hours & be by myself.  he’s a great dad & just so good with the kids.  but i want him.  i want to be with him.  & not just in a baby-making way.”  they both start laughing, taeyeon covering with the back of her hand.  “so yeah.  it just made me a little sad to think that it doesn’t happen.”  her eyes widen & she leans in a little placing a hand on eunsook’s knee.  “oh i just realized how selfish that was!  i’m so sorry.”

“it’s fine, don’t worry.”  now it’s eunsook’s turn to glance at the men & think.  a plan forms quickly & she turns back to taeyeon with a bright smile.  “just one question.  do you trust us with your kids?”

~

“this is not how i expected to spend our christmas vacation,” minho whispers as a pair of toddlers climb over his lap & a four-year-old sits on the floor reading stoically from a picture book.  eunsook just laughs & grabs the baby before he falls head first off the sofa.

“it’s only for three days.  &,” she says, leaning over to give him a kiss that he quickly leans into, “i promise to make it worth it before new year’s.”  minho leans back in mock offense, a hand to his chest with a slight gasp.

“are you implying that i need to be bribed to spend time with my own cousins?”  the three year-old climbs over his shoulders & he bends down under the weight as the child laughs.

“no.  though i hope the offer won’t be refused.”  he’s chuckling as he moves the little boy into his lap, grabbing him by the ankles while he hangs him upside down & now it’s her turn to lean into the kiss offered from across the sofa.

~

“oh god!” eunsook gasps with her leg in the air, knee crooked over minho’s arm.  one hand clutches at his hip as he s into her from behind while the other grasps the pillow beneath her head.  his empty hand is tangled in her hair & his hot breath puffs erratically against her neck.  the pace he’s taken is quick & her back is arching.  the room is hot & so is his skin beneath her fingers.  the lights are on & their clothes are scattered across the floor & the bed shaking beneath them is not nearly steady enough to not bang against the wall.  “ah!”  another cry as minho shifts & moves deeper, still steady & so good.  she turns her head & kisses the sweat at his temple before their lips meet & their breaths mingle.

“oh god, yes, yes, yes, yesyesyesyes right there, yes, ah!” & then she goes quiet, five quick pants against her neck before her breath is released in a moan that vibrates through her chest.  eyes closed, she listens to minho’s voice rise & quicken, feels him peak & soften, sighing as he disappears.  the lights click off & the bed dips again as he lays down beside her.  there is no movement on her part & she feels his hand at her hip & listens to him fall asleep.

the weekend with the children had been exhausting but it had also been enlightening as she watched minho’s eyes light up whenever he was with the boys.  they had wrestled in the living room & he had made them pancakes the first morning that were far too large for little children.  books had been read both by him & the eldest; the three-year-old had a single word book that he did his best to read for his little crowd.  there was a film before nap & even diaper changes hadn’t slowed down his enthusiasm. 

minho wants kids.  she’s sure of it.

she stares now into the dark while her husband sleeps beside her wondering if maybe that will make a difference when the time comes for their arrangement to end.

~

every milestone is a repetition of the year before & they grab onto the memories as they form & tuck them away, marking them on calendars & catching them in snapshots they store on separate zip drives.  they both feel the end coming but they both hold out hope that the other will say they want to stay & neither of them have the courage to be the first to do so.

little fissures begin to erupt in small arguments that grow out of the tension of their mutual silence.  in their own way they’re daring the other to be the first to leave, creating a distance as a balm to a wound that is already forming before its time.  at the same time they cling to each other & spend more time in minho’s bed than they do talking in the den below & it’s the dichotomy of intimacy & distance that makes the sense of time slipping away dizzying.  they are neither happy nor sad but they are together & in enough ways that satisfies them both & so despite their true desires nothing changes.  

they still take walks in the night & eunsook still spends her days with mrs. song, raising her feet while the floor is vacuumed & standing in the kitchen talking while the older woman cleans.  little piles of yarn & needles scatter about the chair in the sitting room & brightly colored afghans & scarves appear & disappear as the weeks pass.  everything is the same as the year before.

~

minho watches as eunsook writes another card to junghee’s mom.  the action prompts a question that he doesn’t ask until they’re already beneath the sheets.

~

“who do you talk to?”

“what?”

“who do you talk to when you get sad?  you listen to everyone else but i’ve never heard you complain about anything.  who do you talk to?”  eunsook turns away, rolling slightly.

“i talk to people.”

“who?”

“gwiboon.”

minho is silent & she hopes that he will let the matter drop.

“who else?”  she purses her lips & remains quiet.  “who else, sook?”

“no one.  are you happy now?”

“you have me.”  she rolls over & glares at him.

“for a time.”

“what does that mean?”  in response she scoots towards the edge of the bed & stuffs her feet into her slippers, shuffling quickly towards the door.  “sook!” 

“nothing.  go to sleep.”  she turns & hurries out of the room.  there’s no hesitation & he’s halfway down the stairs by the time her foot reaches the base.

“sook.”

“just going to get some tea, minho.  i told you to go to sleep.”

“sook...”

“minho, please.  go back to bed.”

“you can talk to me too.”  she stares at him & chews her lip.  a sigh & then she asks if he’d like some teas as well.  they drink in silence & fall asleep on opposite ends of the bed.

~

“augh!!!”

minho bursts out of the study glancing around frantically for his wife.

“sook?”  eunsook runs out of the bedroom & down the stairs beaming with her phone in her hands.

“taeyeon had her baby!”  the phone turns & there’s a picture of his cousin with a sleepy smile & a red wrinkly newborn snuggled against her chest.  he frowns.

“why didn’t they text me?”

“i told you,” eunsook says, turning the phone back around.  “i’m the favorite.  also, you left your phone on the night stand.”

“did they say what they’re going to name it?”

“um...” eunsook scrolls through the message.  “no.  just says ‘baby lee has shifted residences.  can now be reached at’ & then jinki put in his number.”  she snorts & looks up at minho.  “your cousins are weird.”

“true.”  

~

eunsook tilts her head back & focuses on everything that’s happening so that it’ll be sharp in her memories.  the way minho feels inside of her, his thighs pressed against her as s in.  the muscles in his back that twitch & flex beneath her fingers & his skin that is warm & slightly damp.  a pillow sits beneath her head & the sheet is soft against her back, the mattress firm as her body is pressed into it over & over by his hips.  breaths ghost hot against her neck & when she turns her head his temple is there.  she moves her hands up & slips them around his neck as he continues to gasp into her ear.  her own breath is ragged & there is something unnatural about how quiet they’re being.  one hand moves up to wipe the sweat off his brow & smooth it through his hair & it’s then that he looks at her. 

the taste of his lips on hers pulls a little moan through & she shifts her legs so that they’re spread wider & higher, letting him in deeper.  everything is warm & languid as though they have time & it’s perfect & good.

“so good,” she whispers against his mouth & when their eyes meet it’s enough.

~

the buzzing grows louder the closer eunsook gets to the study door.  she knocks on it as she pushes it open, looking around but finding it empty.  minho’s phone vibrates on his desk, the screen glowing & she crosses the room with an amused smile as she moves to pick it up.

“contract end” 

her heart clenches & she frowns.  it is an alarm set for three weeks before the date they had agreed to separate.  the contract that they had put together two years ago: it would end in three weeks.  & minho has an alarm on his phone to remind him.  she places it back on the desk & steps back out of the room, closing the door behind her.  her feet carry her up the stairs to her room where she stands in the doorway & stares at the wall.  things have not been quite right for the last few weeks but she had thought...what had she thought?  hoped?  her brain feels fuzzy & a numbness settles over her body.  she glances around the room, the one she hasn’t slept in for over a year, & wonders how long it will take to pack up her things.  she wonders where she will take them to when she leaves.  the letter junghee left her is pulled out of the journal that rests in a decorative box beside her dresser.  the words are still everything she should not have been sent & things that had periphery meaning then are full of focus now.  more than she had anticipated when the choice to say yes was taken.

a sigh & the paper falls limp in her fingers.  there’s no more question of what to do; she’s fulfilled junghee’s last wishes.  maybe she deserves more now than that simple relief.  maybe she doesn’t.  the call of mrs. song from downstairs distracts her & she leaves the room without tucking the letter back in its box, not noticing it fluttering behind her & landing between the bedroom doors.

~

“sook!”  minho glances around the kitchen & pops his head into the den, calling out “sook!” once more as he begins making his way up the stairs.  today is the day, he’s decided, he’s not putting it off anymore.  he loves eunsook & he wants her to stay & today he’s going to ask her to keep being his wife.

“sook!”  he’s just reached the landing when he sees a piece of paper lying on the ground & reaches down to pick it up.  minho’s heart does a weird skip when he sees the familiar script on the familiar paper.  junghee had always liked pastels & enjoyed writing letters on the pale orange stationary he’d bought her for her birthday three years ago.  he lifts it up & begin to read.  his brows furrow & when he sees his name written in the third person he flips the letter over to see to whom it was addressed. 

“eunsook” sits emblazoned at the top of the page.

confused, he begins reading from the beginning, growing frustrated as the words spread out in black ink make less & less sense.  a story was being woven that thread him along its path but neglected to notify him of the process.  it isn’t the entire letter, ending abruptly in the middle of a sentence, but it is enough to give him the idea that eunsook’s affections were brought about by the insistence of a woman who he had loved.  in some ways it was a beautiful sentiment, caring enough to ensure that he was cared for.  & if it had ended there it would have been enough.  but he had fallen in love because she had lied to him.

was that why she was willing to leave?

he is still holding the letter when she walks in the door.  her smile is soft when she sees him at the top of the stairs.  it’s disarming & he could almost believe in its truth but a sliver of doubt the size of a knife has slipped through his heart & he can’t trust her warmth any longer.  it must show on his face because her smile falters. 

“what’s wrong?”  he moves down the stairs slowly, watching her, holding out the letter once they stand face to face.  her smile disappears & her face grows pale.  she never asks him where he found it because it doesn’t matter.

“so this was all a lie?”

“it was always a lie.  we agreed.”

“we agreed to a contract.  this goes far beyond the scope.”

“no, it-”

“you tricked me into falling in love with you!”  there’s a flinch at the declaration that just makes him angrier.  “was any of it real?”

“minho.  please.”  her eyes beg him to stop as they fill with tears.

“was it, eunsook?”  they spill over her cheeks: it has been so long since he’s said her full name that she feels the sharpness of the switch acutely.  he wants to reach out & wipe the tears from her face but he can’t bring himself to move.

she doesn’t know how to answer.  some of it was, yes.  the important things, the things they built together off of those false foundations.  but how do you say “i lied to you then but i love you now” & expect them to ever trust the words that spill from your lips again?  so she just looks at him without speaking, tears pouring down her face as she weeps.

he nods, resolve slowly forming over his face & she closes her eyes against the change, refusing to bear witness to their hearts breaking together.  she listens to his footsteps move away from her & the click of the door opening & swinging shut.  the sound of an engine roars to life & the soft crunch of gravel as it pulls away.  she drops to her knees, her face in her hands as every piece of sadness she has ever felt slips through her fingers.