minho eyes her warily when she comes down the stairs dressed in an oversized gray sweater, tight dark jeans tucked into boots, small silver hoops at her ears, & a side braid that sits over her right shoulder; contacts instead of glasses.  he himself is in dark jeans, heavy boots, & a suede hunting jacket, neck wrapped in the scarf she’d gifted him for his birthday.  the invitation to join him for his annual new year’s day outing with his friends at the range had been eagerly accepted though now he wonders at the attire she’s chosen.

“are you sure that’s what you want to wear?” he asks, brows furrowed in concern.  looking down she flushes, suddenly self-conscious at the effort.

“why?  what’s wrong with it?”

“it just seems really nice for the range.”  looking back up, the bright smile that has begun to make his heart flutter beams across her lips.

“are you saying i look nice?”

“i’m saying your clothes look nice.”

“ah but would they look so nice if they were on the floor?”

“better.”  her eyes widen & her lips purse into a bemused smile.

“are you flirting with me?”  he takes a step forward & wraps his arms around her, rocking them gently back & forth.

“maybe.”

“well,” she says, leaning up to peck at his lips, “let’s just see how well you do today & maybe there will be a reward for you when we get back.”  her palm smacks at his backside as she pulls away & he laughs, arms dropping to his sides.

“why don’t we just skip it & i can have my reward now?”  another laugh & her palm is soft when it pats his cheek.  he helps her slip on her own coat & watches as she wraps her red scarf around her neck, matching mittens over her fingers. 

“patience will get you everything.”  she winks as she steps outside & he has to think about ostriches for 73 seconds before he can get his feet to follow her.

~

it’s overcast when they pull into the range’s parking lot.  all the familiar cars are there but a much smaller group of people is huddled at their station than they had anticipated.  the air is sharp when they step out and, to minho’s chagrin as he takes eunsook’s mittened hand, the group is decidedly all male.  jonghyun is the first to greet them, junmyeon soon to follow.  changmin waves from where they are sighting their rifle & kyuhyun lifts his hand in salutation from a bench.

“are the women coming later?  or...”  jonghyun’s face falls & he looks absolutely mortified.

“jieun didn’t call you?”  eunsook shakes her head, glancing at minho.  “damn.  they decided they’d rather go to the theatre than spend the morning, & i quote, “freezing with firearms”.  he lifts his fingers in quotations.  “it was kind of last minute but i was sure they’d called you.”

“no.”, eunsook shrugs, a grin plastered on her face.  “maybe they didn’t have my number.”  minho catches the obvious fault in the logic, that they would at least have jonghyun’s who would have had minho’s who would have had eunsook’s.  but he lets it slide because he can see that jonghyun has caught it as well & it is all too awkward to address now that they’ve arrived.

“have fun,” eunsook says, turning to kiss minho on the cheek.  “i’ll just call an uber & get a ride to gwiboon’s.”  they both know that her cousin won’t be there but jonghyun doesn’t.  her back is to them when she hears jonghyun call her name.

“hey, you don’t have to go!  come join us.  unless you’re uncomfortable around firearms.”  he looks so innocent as he speaks that she decides it isn’t a backhanded statement.

“very comfortable.  my mother taught me to shoot before i could read.”

“really?”  jonghyun’s eyes open comically wide.

“not real bullets, or anything.  that came later.  but yeah, ‘aim & shoot & never point a weapon at anything you didn’t plan on shooting’ all before kindergarten.”

“then come join us!  it’ll be fun to have someone new in the group.”  a quick glance at minho & a little smile as he shrugs his shoulders & grins.

“if you want to stay, stay.  i kind of want to see what sort of marksman my wife is.”  a soft snort as she blushes.

“all right.  if the other guys don’t object i’ll stay.”

the other guys do object, but only after she begins beating them so badly that if they had placed the bets changmin had suggested they would all owe her quite a bit of money now.  luckily for them, she hasn’t taken the bet.  unluckily for them, minho secretly has.  they laugh at her mittens & then laugh again when she pulls the tops off revealing fingerless gloves.  minho watches with pride as she braces the of the rifle on the opposite shoulder of where her braid lies & hits the center target round after round.

the weather is still brisk when they finish, though the sun has finally come out, glistening off the snow & ice & burning their eyes.  they enter the lodge & begin taking off their gloves & scarves, hanging up their coats.  a buffet line of eggs, breakfast meats, & pancakes warms under hot lights & the others sit down to order coffee while eunsook, minho, & jonghyun begin fixing their plates.  eunsook’s hands are at minho’s hips & her laughter falls gently in his ear.  as he leans back to he catches jonghyun watching them, turning quickly away & concentrating on piling his plate with a blueberry pancake.  the pause is caught by eunsook who shakes his hips & tells him to hurry, that’s she’s getting hungry & he shakes off the sudden burn in his chest to laugh & grab a sausage link with metal tongs.

the plate is taken from his hands before he can lead her to the table & his cheek is warmed with a soft kiss & a smile, the sound of his friends hooping & hollering & teasing him as she passes them all with a little wave & heads toward a booth in the back.  he watches as she pulls her phone out of her pocket & turns it on, scrolling through the kindle selection & beginning to take small bites with one hand as she slowly swipes the screen with the other.

“why doesn’t she sit with us?” changmin asks as they passes minho on their way to the food.

 “she was invited from the start, there’s no reason for her to sit so far away,” junmyeon adds as he glances back at eunsook.

jonghyun drops his plate on their table & walks to the back where eunsook sits, tapping on her table & leaning against it as they speak too quietly for minho to hear.  he watches as eunsook smiles & then laughs at whatever jonghyun is saying.  her hand waves in denial & he nods & taps her table again before coming back to the group.

“what did she say?” minho asks stiffly.

“she felt a little bad about crashing our ‘guy time’.  she just wants to read her book & not be distracted by us & any ‘blue language’ we felt like using.  you’re a lucky man, minho.  eunsook is awesome.”  the other three nod, coming up behind minho & climbing into the booth.  they continue their conversation while minho watches his wife take a bite with her eyes on her phone, knowing that jonghyun is right.  a quick smack to his leg from where changmin sits on the vinyl bench has him laughing & punching them back before fixing his own plate, glancing one last time at eunsook before he goes, & not missing the way jonghyun is looking at his wife.

~

eunsook begins vomiting almost as soon as they get home & still hasn’t stopped by the next morning.  mrs. song gives minho a look that he belatedly realizes is knowing & he sighs at the obvious conclusion she has erroneously drawn, heading back up the stairs with a plate of crackers & a bowl of chicken broth.  the glass of water he’s left beside her bed is only half drunk & she lays shivering & sweaty in her bed, the cover tucked up under her chin. 

at first they thought it was food poisoning.  then she began to run a fever that still hasn’t broken though it hasn’t risen quite high enough to take her to a hospital so he is tending to her with the usual treatments.  she isn’t getting better but she isn’t getting worse, though the last part is of little comfort as she bursts out of her bed again on unsteady feet, grasping at walls as she moves past the bucket he’s brought for her to the bathroom & the sounds of her retching echoes in the hall through the open door. 

he follows & pushes her sweaty hair back from her face, most of the strands caught in a sloppy bun that has become tangled in the days she’s spent ill.  the shirt she wears is his & two sizes two large, the flannel pants beneath equally oversized.  a washcloth is pulled from a cupboard & run under a cold stream from the faucet & he pats her forehead gently before placing it into her shaky hand.  tears glisten at the corners of her eyes & her breaths are ragged as he rubs her back & kisses the top of her head, ignoring the stench permeating the air. 

“you want me to help you back to bed?”  shivering, she shakes her head, leaning against the wall. 

“let me go get you something warm, ok?”  she nods from where she kneels on the floor, fingers gripping her arms as her body shakes.  his fingers brush across her forehead as he stands & leaves the bathroom, turning towards his own room to grab a hoodie from his dresser.  an old black hoodie is in hand & he’s halfway across the room when two dull thumps followed by silence catches his attention.

“sook?” he calls, pausing in the quiet.  no reply has his heart dropping & his feet sprinting out of his room & through the bathroom door, eyes widening & a panicked “no, no, no,” when he finds her sprawled unconscious on the floor.  the hoodie falls to the floor as he drops to his knees beside her head & he tries to wake her, checking for both a pulse & a breath, relieved to find both, & pressing her shoulder gently saying, “sook, wake up.”  no response & he’s pulling her into his arms & running down the stairs, stopping only long enough to grab his keys & stomp into a pair of shoes.  he lays her in the passenger seat, tilting it all the way back, & buckling her in, halfway to the driver side when he remembers his wallet & dashes back through the door to grab it from his jacket pocket.  then he’s jumping into the driver’s seat, peeling out of the drive, gravel flying in his wake.

the thirty-minute drive to the hospital takes thirteen minutes.

the next four hours are a blur.

minho hasn’t spent much time in hospitals, none really, & as such hasn’t formed an opinion on them.  he knows most people dislike them but he hasn’t had enough experience to determine whether he will or won’t.  pacing at the foot of eunsook’s bed where she lays asleep with an iv snaking out of her arm & the constant beep of a heart monitor echoing in the sterile room, he decides that if they keep his wife alive he will definitely love them.

it is midnight when everything is settled enough for him to begin to think again, to move from primal mode to focused action.  he calls gwiboon first, her groggy voice echoed by another an octave deeper & he tries his best to convince her she doesn’t need to come, that he isn’t even sure what the visiting hours are.  it’s no surprise when she hangs up on him.  his father is called next with messages left on both his private & his business lines, the likelihood of the former being ignored through the night & the latter certainly checked in the morning.  the phone presses into his chin as he stares at eunsook.  his chest aches & his lungs burn: he can’t catch a full breath.  the image of her lying on the floor plays over in his mind & it’s becoming progressively difficult to not imagine the worst.  the wooden legs of one of the two plastic arm chairs in the room scrape against the linoleum as he moves it to sit beside her bed.  it’s angled so that his back is turned towards the shaded window & his eyes towards the door so that every staff member that comes to tend to his wife is met with his face.  her hand is tucked under his & he laces his fingers through her limp hand, holding her tightly as her chest rises & falls.  the beep continues to echo against the walls & he tries not to think too hard about how the thin line of plastic coming out of eunsook’s arm connects to the bag of viscous fluid hanging above them & what they both mean.

pneumonia, they’d said.  the fever he had been responsible for monitoring had reached 104 degrees & now they need to bring it down as quickly & safely as they possibly can.  he’d cursed under his breath as the nurse left with a sad smile, running his fingers through his hair, frustrated that he had let it get so bad.  they don’t know how long it will take but he’s been told to expect for her to be in hospital at least overnight.  a stiff though sincere “thank you” had been expressed before they left & he’s spent the last hour watching his wife sleep with a blanket tucked under one shoulder, the one not attached to an iv.  now he sits beside her with her palm pressed against his & waits for her to come back to him.

eunsook wakes up sore & confused, eyes heavy & brain mushy.  a swallow reveals a sore throat & there’s a burn in her arm that makes her look down.  to her surprise she finds an iv taped to the inside of her arm & a plastic clip attached to her forefinger.  she groans & shifts, body stiff from what must have been hours since the room is dark & last she remembers it was early afternoon.  the arm attached to the iv is cold but her hand is heavy & warm & her blinky gaze turns to find minho’s head resting against the back of a chair with one arm tucked around his waist & the other propped on her bed, fingers entwined with her own.  a tired smile & a squeeze of his hand followed by a hoarse whisper of his name results in no movement so she only sighs & closes her eyes again, promptly falling back asleep.

when she wakes again it is to soft voices talking at the foot & side of her bed respectively.  her hand is still warm & she smiles when she looks down & sees his hand still holding hers.  glancing over she catches minho’s empty hand flying through the air as his tempered voice says something she can’t quite understand but that he is very passionate about saying.  the voice near her feet she recognizes as gwiboon’s & shifting her gaze has her watching her cousin sit in a chair directly across from the end of her bed, arms crossed tightly at her waist as she carries on a conversation with minho.

“hey,” eunsook croaks out, startling them both.  gwiboon bolts out of her chair towards the doorway & minho turns towards her & places his empty palm over their joined hands.

“hey.  how do you feel?”

“better.”  smiling sleepily, she slips her hand out of from beneath his to ruffle his hair.  she lets it fall to the bed & tucks his fingers back within her own, closing her eyes when he leans over to kiss her forehead.  gwiboon returns then with a nurse who checks eunsook’s vitals & asks her a few questions before he disappears, reappearing a few minutes later with a doctor.  she explains to eunsook what happened, why she is in the hospital & what they are waiting on before they discharge her.

“your temperature is almost back to normal, a little fluctuation but it’s dropping at a steady rate.  we’ll keep an eye on your fluids & if things continue like this i expect we’ll be able to discharge you tomorrow morning.  until then, let’s start you on some solid food & drink & see how it goes.  any questions?”

eunsook shakes her head & the doctor leaves. 

“what time is it?” she asks, glancing at the bit of sunlight peeking through the closed blinds

“about 7.”

“in the morning?”

“yes.  wednesday, by the way.”

“what?”

“you were really sick, eunsook.” comes gwiboon’s voice from her right & she turns over to frown in confusion at her cousin.    

“shouldn’t you be at work?”

“i took a half day.”

“what about you?” she asks, turning back to minho who looks at her as though she has morphed into a mythical creature.

“you’re in the hospital, sook.”

“yes.”

“so i’m going to be in the hospital with you.” his words are spoken slowly, every syllable punctuated & she blinks lazily at him, lifting his hand to kiss his knuckles.  he presses a kiss of his own to their linked fingers & gwiboon watches them from her perch with a smile.

the first meal they bring her is a perfect duplication of what minho had brought her just before she had collapsed: crackers & broth.  this time she finishes her meager meal.  later, she works her way up to a whole potato & by dinner time she nearly finishes her chicken meal, though she lets minho have her jell-o.  they spend the day watching judge shows & game shows flickering on the screen hanging from the ceiling across the room.  they talk about the plaintiffs & contestants, eunsook periodically falling asleep.  in the evening he takes her for a slow walk around the nurse’s station & that night he falls asleep in her bed with his arm around her waist.

by morning she is feeling & doing much better.  the doctor decides to wait a little longer but it’s only an hour after lunch when eunsook signs her discharge papers wearing the sneakers, sweatpants, & t-shirt gwiboon had brought her from her own apartment: purple velour pants & grey t-shirt with “’lil freak” printed across the chest not her first choice.  thankfully the pants come with a hoodie & it’s zipped up tight beneath her chin when minho pushes her out in the obligatory wheelchair & helps her into the car gwiboon has idling in front of the main doors.

mrs. song greets them at the door when they arrive home, fluttering around eunsook & turning immediately to the kitchen to make her some soup & tea.  eunsook eyes the stairs with trepidation as minho helps her out of gwiboon’s shoes & the hoodie over her shoulders, careful when he pulls the sleeve off the arm bandaged from the iv.  she turns to him when she hears him ask “may i?” & finds him bending down & holding his arms out in a cradling motion.  a little laugh puffs through her lips as she glances up the stairs & back to him.

“do you think you can?”

“yes.”  the answer is so quick & sure she almost feels silly for asking the question.

“oh.  ok.”  moving awkwardly, she timidly puts an arm around his shoulder, not quite sure what to do with the rest of her body, squealing in surprise when he scoops her up easily, holding her in his arms like a bride on her wedding day.  her empty hand presses against his chest, fingers curling into his shirt as he slowly moves them up the stairs, watching his face as he focuses on his steps.  handsome, she thinks, & kind, & she rests her head against his shoulder.

the room is dark when he carries her to his bed, laying her down gently & sitting down beside her, playing with her fingers & asking if there’s anything he can get for her.

“a bath.”  he chuckles & asks if she wants bubbles.

the tub is filled with steaming water & rose-scented bubbles when he leads her out of the room & to the bath.  she struggles with her shirt for a moment before dropping her arms in defeat, looking over at him & asking for his help.  it frightens him to see her so defenseless, trusting him to care for her in this moment of weakness. 

he swallows & nods, pulling the shirt away from her body with one hand while he guides her arm through the sleeve with the other.  the same is repeated with her other arm & then he’s lifting the shirt up, her face disappearing for a moment as the material moves over her head, her hair trailing through the neck of the shirt before he lets it fall to the floor.  their eyes meet & she gives him a little smile before he moves his hands to her waist & begins to slowly pull her pants down, squatting to the floor as the material pools around her ankles.  he lifts each of her legs by the calf & brushes the pants to the side before standing back up & taking her hand.

eunsook has stood before him many times but now feels different, more intimate than all the others.  there’s no laughter, no flirting, no teasing grin; just eunsook watching him stand between her & the bath.  she’s unclothed & he is not because she is unwell & he is healthy & resting beneath hot water covered in translucent bubbles might make her feel better & it’s his job to care for her.  so he steps out of her way & holds her hand until she is settled beneath the little ripples in the bath.  her eyes close & she lets out a sigh, leaning back on the rolled towel he had placed at the edge of the tub.

“how is it?  good?”

“so good.” 

they sit there quietly, little bursts of conversation while he sits on the floor & she rests in the water.  when she begins to fall asleep, he washes her hair & scrubs her skin with a washcloth, guides her out of the bath & dries her off.  an arm is around her waist & the other beneath her own as he leads her to the bedroom she hasn’t slept in for months where he slips a pair of underwear up her legs & over her hips, followed by a pair of his sweatpants & an old t-shirt.  he’s focused on his task & she watches his movements without comment.   to her relief, he leads her away from the empty bed to his room & tucks her into the bed they’ve shared for almost three months.  her eyes drift to the window as he disappears down the stairs & she’s still looking out at the trees when he returns with the food mrs. song prepared for her balanced in his hands: a cup of tea, a bowl of chicken soup, & a turkey sandwich.  they’re placed on the table next to her as she sits up & she laughs as he tries to feed her, stealing the sandwich & taking a big bite. 

she’s chewing with a grin & he’s smiling too as he feels a little of the tension he’s carried for nearly a week melt over his shoulders at the sight. 

they’re spooned together when she falls asleep, her hands resting on his arm at her waist with his other bent beneath his head.  he kisses her shoulder & brushes his cheek against the cotton of her shirt, listening to her breaths & inhaling the scent of her hair.  he pulls her a little tighter as his eyes fall closed, holding on in case she begins to slip away again.

the morning finds her well & he’s almost convinced to leave for work when she begins pushing him out of the bed.  she lays her head in his lap while they watch the same programs they had watched the day before in the hospital.  throughout the morning & afternoon he keeps his touches warm but chaste, wrapping her in his arms & kissing her forehead, unwilling to risk more.  she’s wrapped in his arms again when they fall asleep at night.

~

seventeen days have passed since eunsook arrived back home with a bandage on her arm & every unspoken advance has been rebuffed.  he touches her but only just so & his kisses never reach her lips.  he’s treating her as though she were fragile & might break beneath his fingers when just the opposite is true.

he’s been alone in the den for an hour while she had laid upstairs staring out the window & wondering what she should do.  now she stands in the doorway in a thin nightdress with her fingers resting on the jam while a film flickers on the screen beside her.

“it’s been a while since we’ve...since...”  eunsook doesn’t even know how to finish the sentence, blushing at the implications though she is certain he understands her meaning.  minho keeps his eyes on the television screen, knowing that if he looks at her face he will lose control.

“you’ve been sick.  i didn’t want to make it worse.”  eunsook smiles a little at that, looking down at the ground & twisting her bare toes into the carpet.

“it’s been over two weeks since then.  i’m healthy now.  the doctor said so.”

“you were so sick,” he whispers & she only just hears him over the film.  he hasn’t told her how frightened he had been to see her so incredibly pale & fragile, sweating & unconscious on the bathroom floor, fast asleep in a hospital bed connected to a simple plastic bag that was the only thing keeping her alive.  he doesn’t know that she had seen him asleep on her bed, that she had heard him call her “my wife” to the doctors & nurses that intermittently entered her hospital room.  her smile fades when he doesn’t look at her & she wonders if she’s losing him. 

“i’m healthy now,” she replies, stepping before him & kneeling down, her elbows resting on his knees.  he still won’t look her in the eye, still keeps his gaze on the flickering screen.  she places her hands on his thighs, rubbing them gently before brushing her fingers over his arms, moving to his shoulders as she slowly rises.  carefully, she moves into his lap, knees on either side of his hips, blocking his view.  nimble fingers move up to his face, resting on his jaw as her lips brush against his forehead, his temples, & both cheeks.  she tilts his face up, forcing him to finally look her in the eye.

“if you want me to stop because you don’t want to go any farther let me know.  but if you want me to stop because you’re worried about me i want you to know that i’m fine.  i really am.  you don’t have to worry.”

he watches her for a moment before suddenly gripping her around the waist, devouring her lips as he holds her tight.  she leans into him, holding his face in her hands & tasting him inside , his hand at her bare thigh.  they are breathless & hot, grinding against each other as their hands map out all the places left untouched for too many days, on tongues & nibbling on lips, their voices overwhelming the flickering film.

minho abruptly stands & eunsook wraps her legs around his waist, throwing her arms around his neck with her fingers slipping into his hair.  she still has his lips between hers as he moves them through the doorway & down the hall & it’s not until his foot hits the first stair that they break apart as she laughs.

“do you think you can carry me all the way up this way?”

“i think i can even sprint,” he replies mischievously, causing her to squeal & grip his neck tighter, laughing as he runs up the stairs with her in his arms.  he slows down when he reaches the doorway, only slightly out of breath & too hungry for her kisses to pay much attention to where he was going.  he hits the mattress at an odd angle & they both laugh when they fall away from each other, bouncing off to opposite ends of the bed. 

“does that count as ?”  eunsook snorts as he pulls his shirt over his head & climbs over to her where she lies on her back, scooched up against the pillows.    she pulls him down by his neck & moans against his lips as he begins to oris & a few fingers deep inside.  frantic kisses are punctuated by deepening moans & her head falls back against the pillow, grabbing at him desperately as her back arches in pleasure.   

suddenly she pushes his hand away & shoves him over, climbing over his thighs & pressing in with her knees, giggling when she sees how hard he is.

“it’s been two weeks,” he says with a shrug.

“a long two weeks,” she replies with a smile as his sweatpants slip off his hips under her fingers & his springs up.  they’re tossed over her shoulder before she pulls her dress over her head & it joins the pile of clothes at the foot of the bed.  a is grabbed from the side drawer & she rolls it on, the lemon lube minho had surprised her with at christmas over the thin latex.  the excess is wiped on the shirt that still sits on the bed, tossed quickly to the floor before she moves up, guides him inside her, & settles with a sigh in his lap before moving her hips, setting the pace.

warm hands slip up & down her sides, around her hips & over her cupping the bouncing flesh.  they move further up, massaging her s & thumbing at her s & she groans as he begins to up inside her, the depth of his hitting her just right. 

everything is just a little more passionate, a little more desperate than even their first time had been.  there’s a fervency between them now that hadn’t existed between them before & it leaves its marks in little bites & , fingers pressing into flesh & their bodies moving in tandem. 

minho grabs her by the waist & rolls them onto their sides, pulling her leg over his hip & holding it there, her other bent behind her as he s into her sure & quick.  their fingers are linked & tucked just above his head, her empty hand up & down his chest, intermittently pulling him close as her body rocks with his movements.  her lip is bit & his is on & there are times he makes her groan so deeply that she forgets to breathe.

“oh god...”

“good?”, minho murmurs between breaths as her head lolls back, blunt nails scratching at his chest.

“so good,” she murmurs back, eyes still closed.  he leans forward & kisses her, their lips beginning to mingle hungrily as her hands move up around his neck & card through his hair.  they are sweaty & breathless & she wants more.

“behind me,” she whispers.  “i want you behind me.”  she breathes deeply as his lips kiss her sweaty forehead before he pulls away, rolling into a sitting position & moving toward the edge of the bed.  she shifts onto her knees & presses her fists together, watching him over her shoulder.  a kiss brushes against her hip & up her back & then her head drops as he pushes in, moving his hands up & down her sides, cupping her s & holding her tight.  hot breaths blow against her neck & his lips slip across her shoulders as her breath begins to hitch.  whispered encouragements blow against her ear & she turns to grasp his face in her hand, kissing him even as her cries grow louder.  the empty fist pounds into the mattress & then she’s falling forward & falling silent, only minho’s grunts breaking through the quiet until a moan rips through , her body shaking as she cums.  soon minho’s following her & he kisses down her spine before he pulls out.   

the is discarded & he jumps eagerly beneath the sheets to join her & wrap her damp body up in his arms, pushing on the soles of her feet with his own.  she kisses his bicep & holds onto his arm with both hands as she leans against his sweaty chest & sighs. 

~

“so is going to the range something you’d like to do more often?”  eunsook lowers the tablet to her lap & looks up.

“not really.  i mean, if you want to go i’ll go with you but i prefer using my own targets.”

“hunting?”  she thinks for a moment before answering.

“it’s a lot of work if i don’t actually need the meat.  but if you want to go i’ll go with you.”

“actually i was just asking in case you wanted to go.  not really my thing.”

“hmm.”  eunsook goes back to her book & minho fumbles around for something else to talk about.

“we should do something, though.  just you & me.”

“like what?” she asks without looking up.

“what kinds of things do you like?”  the tablet falls to her lap & her lips purse in thought.

“massages.”

“massages?”

“yes.”

“ok...”  his eyes narrow at her mischievous smile.

“do you think you could handle a spa retreat?”  the thought repels him & it shows as he begins sputtering.  his cheeks burn when she starts laughing.

“i’m kidding.  that’s more gwiboon’s thing.  i just go in for a massage once in a while.” 

“ok.”

“really?”

“yeah, why not?  we could make a day of it.  maybe catch a movie after.”

“ok.”

“you sound surprised.”

“i honestly didn’t think you’d agree to having a stranger’s hands rubbing oil all over your body.”

“yeah, well.  i’m a man of many surprises.”  he leans over & kisses her on the head before heading out.  the tablet is back in her hands & she’s three sentences in when his head pops back in, brows furrowed. 

“we’ll be in the same room, right?  a couple’s massage?”  she nods & laughs as his face softens in relief

it is almost embarrassing the sounds minho is making while the attendant kneads & presses into his arms, back, & legs.  but eunsook is too relaxed by her own masseuse to be bothered much by her husband’s obscene grunts & moans. 

~

eunsook clutches the golden cashmere shawl around her shoulders & wonders again why she hadn’t accepted minho’s offer to pick her up.  instead she is standing on the sidewalk shivering in a dark yellow gown with gold slippers & bright red lipstick, her hair braided into an ebony crown around her head. 

the opposite of subtle. 

the few couples who pass her purse their lips in sympathetic smiles & she reflexively smiles back.  she hasn’t been stood up, she thinks at them: actually she’s early.

“why are you out here?”  a thousand points of tension melt away at the familiar deep voice & she turns with a smile that is real.

“waiting for you.  it’s quieter out here.”

“do you want to go somewhere else?”

“no, no.  very hungry.” 

“you look beautiful tonight.”

“thanks.  you don’t look half bad yourself.”  she reaches out & fiddles with the lapel of his black suit, stepping back & looking down at her feet, her toe twisting in the pavement before looking up & catching his eye.  they stand there a beat too long, soft smiles turning awkward as they realize neither of them has moved.  he steps around her, his hand to the small of her back, holding the door open as she steps through.  it is quite busy, valentine’s day after all, full of people & the gentle click of silver flatware & glass goblets, soft violins & harps filling the air.

they are seated right away, near the back with a stunning view of the city that eunsook takes in with a mixture of joy & anxiety, tapping her red manicured nails against the tablecloth.  she jumps a little when the waiter approaches, smiling shyly as he reads them the wine list.

this isn’t really her type of restaurant as she generally prefers food that can be delivered to her door.  this just all seems to be a lot of work for food that only tastes marginally better than & ends with the same result as cheaper, quicker versions.  but the sparkle in minho’s eyes when he had suggested it made her smile & she found herself unwilling to deny him.

now she feels the warmth of his hand cover the fingers that nervously dance on the tabletop, slipping her hand around until their palms are pressed together.  if he could have linked their fingers she knows he would.  she turns away from the window with a smile.

the food & the wine are as expected; expensive & delicious.  they drive down to the river & walk across the bridge, overwhelmed with sentimentality on this most romantic of days.  he kisses her hair & she rests her head against his chest, his arms slipping around her shoulders holding her tight.  later that night, they fall asleep sweaty & sated in each other’s arms.

~

the anniversary of junghee’s birth is drawing near soon to be followed by the anniversary of her death.  minho is growing quiet, withdrawn.  he spends more time in his study behind a closed door than he does with her smiling, a reflection of their first days as a married couple.  she gives him his space but makes her presence known, bringing him coffee in the den & rubbing his shoulder.  the tension spills into the night & her heart aches when she finds herself beneath the covers of a bed she hasn’t slept in in over six months. 

the impulse to send junghee’s mother a card for her daughter’s birthday is stifled but she sends one of condolences on the day mrs. kim lost her youngest child.  it feels wrong either way, to acknowledge it openly or to let the day pass, & she decides that she’d rather try & fail than do nothing at all.  a thank you card comes in the mail a few days later with a brief message & a signature, evidence that perhaps she has done the right thing.

minho goes to junghee’s grave alone.

“if you ever want to talk about her...”

“i’ll ask one of her friends.”  it wasn’t an unfair thing to say but it stings nonetheless & eunsook just nods silently as she steps out of the room.  minho sighs because that hadn’t been what he intended to say.  no one knows that he & junghee had privately broken up before she died, her increasingly erratic behavior making the dissolution of their relationship inevitable, yet he still feels that he should be mourning her more.  five years is a long time to love someone & he shouldn’t feel this apathetic that she is no longer alive.  some of it is anger, he knows.  some of it shock.  enough of it is knowing that he will never know why she had changed so much in the six months prior.  she was a different person when she died than when he had proposed & he is left with too many questions to care.

eunsook reminds him of that.  she cares too much & that reminds him that he doesn’t care enough.  if he can keep her away from this hollow sliver in his heart & mind then he can be happy & pretend that he has chosen her out of affection, that they might have a future.  he ignores the countdown & clings to each moment as though they are an eternity.  the day passes in solitude & he knocks on her door at 3 after midnight when it is no longer a day of mourning.