eunsook lays on her side facing the open bedroom door with a hot water bottle pressed to her lower abdomen & her head resting in the crook of her elbow.  the sound of the front door shutting & “sook!” being called has her sighing with relief.

“up here!”

minho’s footsteps echo dully, growing louder until he reaches the landing, smiling as he steps into her doorway, leaning against the jam. 

“hey.”

“hey.”

“you ok?” he asks, eyeing the bottle.

“how much do you know about female anatomy?”

“you tell me,” he replies, eyebrows waggling.

“i just need to know how you’ll react to me telling you that blood is pouring out of my & that my uterine muscles are contracting in preparation of delivering a fetus that has not yet been implanted within its walls.”  a little satisfied smirk plays on her lips at the way the smile on his face freezes & his eyes slightly widen.

“that was very specific.”

“i am very much in pain.”

“what do you need?”  she sighs, groaning.

“a quick coma.  thirty-six hours, tops.”

“counter proposal.  hot chocolate?”

“iced mocha.”  he nods & heads towards the stairs, turning quickly on his heels & bracing himself in the doorway.

“the last time i looked for the coffee i couldn’t find it.”

“i moved everything down a shelf so mrs. song could reach it without a stool.  just look in the cupboard under the counter.”  he pauses, watching her.

“that was really nice of you.”  a shoulder shrugs, her eyes already falling closed as his footsteps disappear back down the stairs.

~

“here.”  a large box is presented to minho & he takes it with a half-smile, already excited to find out what’s inside.

“what’s this?”

“just a little birthday present.  something to wear to dinner tonight to show your dad that your wife cares.”

“so no gift just for me?”

“maybe.  if you’re a good birthday boy.”  he laughs as she pats him playfully on the bum, her hand lingering at his hip.

“so what is it?”  the box pops open beneath his fingers revealing a thick scarf, dark red & hand knit, with his initials at one end in ivory lettering.  “wow.”

“you seemed to have a thing for scarves & i have a thing for knitting so...”  a quick shrug & a pat to his hip as she steps back.  “i hope it’s ok.”

“it’s great,” is his muffled response as his face disappears beneath its wooly folds.  “so soft.”

“so how many scarves do you own now?”

“this would make seven.” 

“lucky number seven,” she murmurs.

~

minho’s hunched over a pile of paperwork when the door to his office opens & closes & the cool scent of gwiboon’s perfume floats across the room.  out of the corner of his eye he sees her dark pink form take a seat in the chair across from his & he fights the urge to smile when he realizes why she’s there.  they hadn’t spoken much since the reception, their interactions previously limited to parties thrown by others, though for a time she had dated his friend jonghyun & since then they’d been friendly.  living with eunsook meant hearing about gwiboon & it’s no surprise when she stops by his office unannounced with a question.

“what are you getting eunsook for her birthday?”  minho looks up, stifling a grin as his wide, worried eyes are met with the narrowing of gwiboon’s into a heavy frown.  “don’t tell me you forgot her birthday.”

“ok.”

“choi!”

“just let me think.”

“please tell me you at least know what day it is.”

“...the 12th?”

“are you serious?”  unable to hold back any longer, his eyes close in laughter at her indignation, grateful that he’d put it in his calendar when eunsook had agreed to his proposal: december is always a busy month.

“of course not.  it’s the 14th.  i’m making her dinner & taking her to a musical.”

“you’re cooking?”

“yes.”

“why?”  he shrugs.

“to surprise her.”

“that’s...oddly sweet.”

“as long as i don’t burn the food.”

“you’re so obsessed with detail that the only way the food will burn is if you pass out at some point while it cooks & can’t turn the heat off due to your unconscious state.”

“that’s a calming thought.”

“it was supposed to be inspirational.”

~

eunsook gushes over the performance on their ride home (“kibum kim is so fantastic!  how does someone even manage to exude raw appeal & then dimple down the next minute & make you want to give them a lollipop & pinch their cheek?!”) while minho listens with a smile from behind the wheel.  his third, fourth, & fifth gifts for her birthday later that night has them in his bed groaning in the dark, heavy moans & quiet gasps & eunsook’s desperate cries echoing through the room.  they lie now, sweaty & sated, feet poking out of the sheets.  eunsook’s head is on his chest, a hand pressed to his abdomen & his arm rests around her shoulder.

 “what should we get your father for christmas?” she asks, a bare foot rubbing up & down his shin.

“i already got him a gift.”  she looks up, surprised.

“really?  what?”

“a daughter-in-law.”  his arm is slapped & her body vibrates against him as she laughs.

“shut up.”

“i’m serious,” he replies, kissing her forehead.  “i even got him the one he’s been begging for for years.”  her smile falters a little & he wonders what he’s said wrong.

“yeah i guess getting his son to settle could be mine.”  the statement lays flat between them for a moment before eunsook’s smile brightens again.  “i was thinking a tie as a gag gift & maybe a nice bottle of wine for his collection.”

“yeah, that could be nice.  by the way, my family’s coming for christmas this year.”  the foot on his leg stills & she turns away, leaning into him.

“oh?”

“they want to meet my ‘blushing bride’.”

“oh.”  the tone of her voice is not enthusiastic.  another kiss to her forehead.

“just my cousin taeyeon, her husband jinki, & their three kids.  our grandmother will be coming down as well.”

“ok.”  eunsook takes a deep, shaky breath.

“you ok?”

“somehow i didn’t think meeting family was going to be a part of this.”

“it’s a surprise to me too.  they don’t usually come here.”

“no,” she murmurs, “you usually go to them.”  minho is about to ask how she knows when he remembers how many years she has stood in the background & he just hadn’t noticed anything beyond his father’s smile.

“you don’t have to meet them.  you could go to gwiboon’s & spend the holiday with her.  or you could stay here & have the place to yourself.”

“no, it’s fine.  i’d like to meet them.  besides, gwiboon is spending christmas with taemin.  his son is spending the day with his grandparents.”

“that’s nice that they help him out.”

“he wants them to be as involved in his son’s life as much as possible.  his own parents aren’t in the country & jongin’s parents are like his own.  they all kind of share this miracle that is a piece of jongin left behind.”  he reaches out & tucks a tuft of hair behind her ear, finger her shoulder.  “anyway,” she continues, smiling up at him, “it’ll be nice to meet your family.”

~

eunsook stares at her reflection in the mirror while minho sleeps down the hall.  more than a week has passed since the last time she spent the night in her own bed & even longer since she last thought of junghee.  guilt & uncertainty gnaw at her because posing as a wife among acquaintances was one thing but to present herself as the wife of someone’s cousin, someone’s grandson was another.  the counter is cold beneath her fingers & she looks down at them, at the ring she wears daily.  it didn’t matter, not really, not when the man she loves heart will break when she & his son will separate in less than two years.

a quick swallow & her eyes are back on the glass, searching for answers in a face that barely understands the question.  the motive that brought her here is no longer what keeps her & there’s a hint of selfishness in the steps she now takes.  another swallow & then the tap is turned, warm water running over her hands as she washes away the uncertainties & dries the doubt off her fingers.

~

mr. cho happily receives the socks she’s made for him & his wife & mrs. song hugs her tightly in thanks for the afghan knitted just for her.

~

eunsook is on the deck in her shawl & a pair of boots when minho pulls into the drive.  two little boys, 4 & 3, pop out of the back & a slim woman with a passing resemblance to eunsook’s husband steps out, laughing at something her cousin is also laughing at.  the children run toward the house, stopping with wide eyes when they see her standing at the top of the steps, turning & running back to their mother when their names are called. 

minho pulls out a pair of knapsacks that each child is strapped in & taeyeon emerges from the back of the car with a baby in her arms, bundled up tight against the cold.  the ground is dry today, though three days ago a light dusting of snow briefly turned the earthy soil a soft white, & eunsook is glad that it means the boys will be allowed to run around outside since their home isn’t adequately prepared for small children.  not like when she & minho were little.

they’re told to say hello & she kneels down to shake their hands, standing again for a kiss from minho before he ushers his nephews inside.  taeyeon’s smile is brilliant & her one-armed hug a balm against the chill before they head in to the warmth of eunsook’s home.

a pot of hot chocolate has been simmering on the stove ever since minho texted that he was on his way to the house with his family.  they’re not going to stay with them, they’ll be staying with minho’s father, taeyeon’s uncle, at the family home where there are many rooms to explore & toys left over from his only child’s youth.  but taeyeon had insisted on visiting the two of them at their home & they had easily agreed. 

minho & the boys sit at the table in the kitchen sipping their hot drinks while taeyeon & eunsook stand in the hallway talking, the little baby in taeyeon’s arms blinking awake.  taeyeon offers the baby to eunsook & she takes him tentatively in her arms, the warmth of his body & the scent of his hair reminiscent of things she’d forgotten & the tears that sting in the corners of her eyes are blinked back with a smile & a soft, “he’s beautiful.”

the sudden revelation that taeyeon remembers meeting eunsook at a time & a place that more than fifteen years later is still raw causes her to stop bouncing the baby in her arms & her vision to narrow leaving her slightly dizzy.  the white noise in her ears dissipates just in time to hear taeyeon say, “i can’t believe you married your first kiss!  that’s so cute.”  eunsook shifts the baby onto her hip, looking down as he chews on his chubby fist & kisses his head, hoping that minho didn’t hear.

“what are you talking about?”  the sound of minho’s voice behind her startles her & her eyes widen enough for taeyeon to look slightly concerned.

“you married your first kiss!  that’s so sweet.”

“no,” he laughs, leaning against the doorframe.  “my first kiss was with key.  remember?”

“yeah, exactly.”

“then why did you say it was eunsook?”  taeyeon scoffs, her smile faltering slightly when her eyes fall on eunsook who’s staring now at the baby in her arms.

“because you said it was.”

“tae what are you-?”  he stops, his own eyes widening as he looks over at eunsook who still hasn’t moved, is still not looking at either of them.

“sook.  sookie.  key.”  a sad little smile appears on her lips as she looks up at him, surprising him with a guilty look.

“you forgot,” she says with a shrug.

“no, i remember everything about that march morning.  you were eleven & i was nine & it was behind the tree at the edge of the schoolyard.  you were crying & i was trying to make you happy.”  everything about that day is seared in his mind.  the crisp autumn air & the way the ground was slightly damp from a thunderstorm the night before.  they were in uniforms & her hair was long even then, held back with a thin headband.  tears were slipping down her cheeks tinged pink in the chill & he hadn’t meant to find her but he had.  it was a chaste kiss, just a little pressing of their lips together because that’s what he’d seen happy people do in the few films his father allowed him to watch & he wanted her to be happy again.  he wanted to be the one to make her smile.  he just...  “i just didn’t realize it was you.”

“yes.  you forgot.”  it is quiet for a long time before the baby’s giggles pulls their eyes away from each other, both glancing down at the little boy who’s reaching for his mother.

“well,” says taeyeon awkwardly as she takes her son from eunsook’s arms, “it’s nice to see you found each other again.  i’m just going to go check on the boys & then you can tell me all about the wedding.”  she slips past the two into the kitchen that is not nearly far enough away.  eunsook’s halfway up the stairs with minho soon to follow & he stops her bedroom door from shutting in his face.  he takes a step toward her & she takes a step back & they both stand with their arms held tight against their chests.

“why didn’t you say anything?”

“when should i have brought it up?”

“i don’t know.  it just seems like something to mention.”

“’thanks for asking me to be your pretend wife & oh by the way i was the first girl you kissed’?”, she asks incredulously.  her eyes glance to the window & he barely hears her mutter “it’s humiliating enough that you forgot.”

“i didn’t forget. i-”  angry eyes shift back to him & he feels the ache of failure as she bites out, “no.  you just forgot it was me.”

“i’m sorry.”  it is hollow but it isn’t nothing & she shrugs, looking down at her feet & twisting her toe against the rug.  he wants to make a joke, tell her that he remembers that she is the last girl he kissed, but it doesn’t feel like the time & then taeyeon is timidly calling to them from downstairs so he bites the thought back.  the back of eunsook’s finger brushes at her eyes as she moves past him & he follows her back down the stairs.

“so,” taeyeon starts, glancing between the two of them, “can i help with lunch?”  minho watches eunsook’s lips purse into a smile as she puts a hand to taeyeon’s elbow & guides her into the kitchen.

“you can help by telling me about your husband & your kids while i make it.”  taeyeon’s eyes light up at the mention of jinki & he nods when his cousin asks him to keep an eye on her boys.  the women walk into the kitchen as the boys walk out the front door & minho leads them across the deck where they run out to play in the dirt.

“uncle minho!”, the older one cries, “come play with us!”  he smiles as he moves down the steps to where they sit in the dirt with little race cars they’ve pulled from their coat pockets.

“your dirt is weird,” the oldest says, patting the brown earth.  “why is it so dark?”  minho laughs & ruffles the child’s hair & does his best to explain how soil all over the planet is different for different reasons.  three & a half sentences in he realizes that he’s lost the child’s attention & it would be better to just join in on the imaginary turnpike fun.

~

“he’s so good with those boys,” taeyeon says from her spot at the table.  eunsook had glanced out the window & forgot herself while watching her husband play on the ground with the children.

“yeah,” she replies, her voice soft & she realizes that she has been watching too long.  a smile brightens her face as she wipes her hands on minho’s apron, turning back to the stove.  “yes, i see that.”

“have you talked about having kids?”

“not really.”  a lie aimed at the stew warming on the stove.  though never directly addressed, a distinct part of their arrangement implied that there would be no children. 

“hmm.”  taeyeon takes a sip of her tea & changes the subject.

~

as they get ready to leave later that evening, taeyeon suddenly clings to minho’s arm with bright eyes, begging to pick their destination for the dinner planned that weekend. 

“i love my children but i really want an adult meal,” she whispers.  “please, please, please let me choose.”  minho has no heart to deny the youngest of the group the treat & eunsook watches amused as he ruffles his cousin’s hair & asks where she’d like to go.  their reservations are cancelled & a bbq restaurant near the edge of town becomes their new destination. 

it’s taeyeon’s idea to invite gwiboon to their “cousin cuisine”, a term that had minho groaning while eunsook laughed, & gwiboon eagerly accepts the invitation & tentatively asks if she can bring a date.  eunsook is eager to meet taemin, though perhaps not in a setting where half the entourage are strangers to each other, & she quickly agrees. 

taeyeon & her husband are the first to arrive & when she first meets him eunsook is surprised by how young jinki looks.  though older than taeyeon, four years if she remembers right, her age, she would swear there wasn’t more than a year between them.  they shake gloved hands & eunsook watches with a warm chest as taeyeon absently rests her head on her husband’s shoulder while he & minho catch up on the chilly sidewalk.  gwiboon & taemin soon arrive in a cab, he stepping out first & reaching his hand in the doorway to help gwiboon out.  they’re laughing & holding hands when they join the crowd, more gloves meeting in salutation, & soon they’re seated at a table in the back with eunsook at one end with minho beside her.  jinki is at the other end with taeyeon between him & minho, taemin on his other side sitting beside gwiboon. 

they’ve ordered & the others are deep in conversation while eunsook quietly sips on her tea.  gwiboon is cooing over the pictures on taeyeon’s phone while taeyeon leans forward with her chin on laced fingers smiling proudly.  taemin had easily joined jinki in a conversation eunsook can’t hear but that minho seems to understand, the three bursting into fits of laughter & their hands punching the air in silent descriptions.

it is a happy reunion of cousins who don’t get to see each other often & of their partners who are meeting for the first time.  eunsook finds herself subconsciously slipping her arm through minho’s & resting her head on his shoulder as she watches the others.  gwiboon & taemin keep feeding each other little bites & jinki & taeyeon often whisper in each other’s ears.  his arm is around her chair & she has her hand on his thigh, leaning in to her husband.  eunsook thinks it’s nice being surrounded by so many people in love. 

the food is messy & delicious & minho successfully fights jinki over the bill, tipping well above 25% because he knows they were not quiet (& because his father raised him right).  they burst back out into the frosty air laughing, wandering around a bit beneath the glittering lampposts because taeyeon wants to. 

“our city is bigger than the town i grew up in but it’s still nowhere as big as this,” she says smiling up at the lights twinkling above.  they convince her to head back to minho’s father’s home after she nearly slips on a patch of ice on the sidewalk.  jinki catches her easily & they both laugh.

~

“my grandfather died about five years ago & minjung hasn’t been the same since,” minho says as he pulls his shirt over his head.  eunsook watches from the bed in her nightshirt with her head propped in her hand.  “she was a lot like my father then, studious & steady.  she’s always been really friendly like she is now, just tempered.”  he moves toward the doorway & turns off the overhead light.  “but then my grandfather died & it was like she just absorbed all his energy & became this new person.”  the sheets crinkle & there’s a burst of cool air as he slips beneath the covers, his own head propped up while their empty hands meet in the middle, fingers tapping.  “it’s funny.  if you’d met them you’d almost think they hated each other the way they bickered.  they would fight over the oddest things, hollering at each other & such.  but even in the middle of their quarrels you could see this glint in their eyes.  & then they’d just burst out laughing.  i don’t know if it was always like that with them, but that’s how it always was when i was around.  just.  best friends, you know?”

eunsook nods, watching their fingertips meet.  her parents had been like that, without the bickering.  a lot of teasing & silly remarks but she couldn’t remember them ever actually fighting.  of course, she was young then.

“now she’s all eccentric.”  eunsook gives him a little smile & taps his nose.

“she sounds fun.”

“hmm,” is the only reply she gets before he turns around & the lamp beside his pillow turns off.  he turns back & gives her a quick kiss, stretching out his arm as she snuggles in.

“you’re so warm.”  fingers tussle through her hair as he laughs.  a kiss to the top of her head & then they’re both falling asleep. 

~

minho’s grandmother is everything he had said she was & more.  nearly as tall as her grandson, she towers over eunsook in two inch heels that are anything but sensible.  a floral wrap dress hangs just below her knees & sapphires glitter in her ears

“well, where is she?”  eunsook feels minho stiffen beside her & she bites her lip in a mix of amusement & nerves.

“my wife is standing next to me.”

“if i’d been invited to the wedding i might know my own granddaughter-in-law by sight now wouldn’t i?”  eunsook keeps quiet, releasing her lip & brushing her fingers against minho’s.

“you were sent pictures.”

“but not an invitation.” 

“you could have come to meet her any time before or after the wedding.”

“if only i’d been invited.”

 “grandmother...”

“minjung.  i’ve told you a thousand times to call me minjung.”  a pointed look is sent towards minho &, to eunsook’s surprise, he turns his head away.  minjung is smiling knowingly when eunsook glances back & she does her best to smile under her grandmother-in-law’s piercing gaze.

“yes, my dear, it can be a bit befuddling at first.  i’m minho’s grandmother, mother to his beloved mother & mother-in-law to his dear father.  the old coot.”  eunsook’s eyes widen in surprise as minho huffs & glowers, the warmth of his fingers disappearing from eunsook’s as his arms cross tightly across his chest.  she reaches out quickly to receive the hand minjung proffers. 

“& i prefer to be called minjung.”.

“it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“we’ve met, dear.  many years ago though i don’t expect you to remember.”  her face softens, mouth opening & closing, a warm smile blooming on her lips & her voice is wistful when she says, “little lee sookie.”  the air in eunsook’s lungs grows hot & minho’s fingers are back against hers, their knuckles loosely linked.  tears burn but she blinks them back & smiles at the name she’s not been called in years.

“yes.”

“i remember you as a child.  a precocious little thing with your nose always in a book.  i suppose you became a librarian?”

“no, though i used to own a bookstore.”  she can feel minho’s eyes on her & her cheeks flush knowing that he didn’t know that the store she had worked at was actually hers.

“used to?”

“i sold it.”

“when?”  she hesitates, not wanting either of them to know.

“when i got married.”  minjung’s eyes narrow & minho shifts & eunsook’s cheeks burn.

“what on earth for?”

“i..” she glances at minho who is watching her confused.

“would you have sold it if you hadn’t gotten married?”

“yes,” is her honest reply.  “perhaps not so soon but i had been planning on doing so within the year.

“why?”

“sunyoung was always better at customer relations than i am & i think i put off as many customers as i drew in.  it’s a hard business to be in these days, so many people download their books, myself included.  & so you really have to be able to sell your product to make a profit & as much as i love books i’m not really great at sales.”  the answer ends with a shrug & a shy smile. 

“hmm.”  minjung squints at her & she holds steady under the older woman’s gaze.  if minjung remembers her as a child then she might already know that eunsook didn’t marry minho for his money.  if not, she hopes that she’s just dispelled her of any doubt. 

“come,” minjung says, taking eunsook by the arm & away from minho, “we should eat.  then you can tell me all about why an intelligent woman such as yourself settled for my grandson.”

~

minho is still catching his breath when eunsook kisses his chest & asks, “do you want to go ice skating?”  he shifts on the mattress with a silly grin & eunsook grabs the blanket that begins to slip at his movement, closing her eyes as he pushes the mussy hair out of the way to kiss her sweaty forehead.

“right now?”

“well, no.  it’s midnight on a thursday.  i was thinking this weekend.”

“just us?” 

“we could double date.  maybe jinki & taeyeon would like to come.”

“they’d want to bring their kids.”

“maybe.  if they want to bring them along that’s fine with me.”

“what if i want to go just with you?”  giggling, she reaches up with one arm & pulls his head down, kissing him on the nose.

“that would be alright too.”  they’re both smiling into each other’s mouths when he moves over her, fingers slipping beneath the sheets as her legs spread & it’s another hour before they finally fall asleep.

~

eunsook is surprised to find herself in a catholic church at midnight on christmas eve.  in all the years she had known the chois she had not known either of them to step foot into a christian house of worship.  yet here she stands next to minho with a hymnal in her hand all because taeyeon had insisted on attending mass.

it is absolutely breathtaking the way the candles flicker throughout the nave.  poinsettias dot the sanctuary, a dozen placed around the edge of the marble altar.  stained glass windows shaded by the night sky rise to meet the high ceiling decorated with streaks of gold.  nooks on either side hold wooden pews high above sitting perpendicular to where eunsook stands with minho, jinki, & taeyeon below.  she mumbles through the hymn being sung, vaguely familiar with the christmas song, more interested in the design of the building than the ritual of the mass.

as she always does in any religious setting she wonders what it is like to have faith.  what is it that others find so appealing in religion, what do they see that she can’t find no matter how deep she delves into the scriptures of every kind?  even gwiboon finds solace in her own pastor’s sermons & she is one of the most cynical people eunsook knows.  so what does she see, what does she hear, what does she know that eunsook doesn't?

she misses her mom in these moments.  she wishes they’d had a chance to talk about these things so that she could have gleaned from her some wisdom on the subject.

the thoughts make her sad so she pushes them away & focuses on the statues that stand at either side of the priest in his white robe & ivory vestments.  they’re easily recognized as mary & joseph & she is surprised to see mary alone & joseph with a small child in his arms appearing to play with some sort of sphere.  too far away to make out what it might be, her first thought is that it was perhaps a soccer ball (a thought that causes her to smile inappropriately during “o holy night”).  even standing on her toes & squinting through her glasses does nothing except to get an odd look from minho.  she shrugs her shoulders with a little smile & turns back to the song book.

it is a beautiful, albeit disorienting service.  standing & sitting & then the echo of kneelers dropping to the tiled floor.  taeyeon looks so at peace the entire service.  jinki follows her down the aisle where she accepts the eucharist with a smile & he crosses his arms over his chest to receive the priest’s blessing.

~

eunsook grips the paper blowout in her fingers & looks at minho, suddenly nervous.  it’s silly but she feels it anyhow.  they haven’t been married long, less than five months but they are already nearly a quarter through their marriage.  on the one hand it is comforting to know when, not if, their relationship will end.  but on the other it is sort of heart-breaking to think that everything they do now will be meaningless & torn down purposefully by their own hands.  & to stand here now in a crowd of people celebrating the death of a year & the birth of another seems odd: every day is a step toward the end & she finds it hard to be excited at the turn of the calendar. 

minho is quiet next to her, contemplative, & they keep missing each other’s eyes.  suddenly gwiboon is shouting “10!  9!  8!” from across the room & eunsook looks up at her husband with a smile before blowing the rolled up paper in his face.  it is bittersweet when their lips meet & the new year is toasted with a kiss.  they are hardly in love but it feels like they have been friends for ages & she likes the twist her life has taken.  she likes her life with minho.  they pull away with little grins & he takes her hand in his own, his palm warm, & she squeezes tight knowing that she will miss this when it ends.