eunsook.

you’re probably wondering why i’m writing to you & i hope by the end of this letter you’ll understand why you were the only one i could trust.

a lot has happened in the last year & a lot will happen in the next.  i know we were never close but i.  no, we weren’t friends.  honestly i’m not sure why but we just weren’t.  now that that’s out of the way let me ask for a favor i have no right to but that i hope you’ll do for me anyway.

it wasn't easy but i finally got minho to leave me.  he doesn’t love me anymore & that’s good.  but he needs someone to be there for him & i want that to be you.  there will be a lot of girls, and a few guys, who will try to make their move on him now that we’re no longer together & i need you to protect him from them.  he’s a good man but he’ll be angry & he’ll hurt people.  be a buffer, help him to stay soft.  be his friend.  make him laugh.  make him love again.

you two aren’t close either but at least you’re friendly.  and his dad absolutely adores you.  i know he was disappointed when minho & i announced our engagement.  maybe that’s why we weren’t friends.  it’s hard to be seen as a poor imitation by your fiancé’s father, to always know you’re coming up short & not knowing how to pull ahead.  mr. choi’s always been nice but i know he would have preferred it was you. 

none of that’s the point.  that’s not why-

-i’m dead.

minho proposed to me two years ago & nine months ago i got a diagnosis.  maybe it's selfish of me but i can't go through what they’re asking me to.  i want my death to be on my own terms.  i want to disappear.  i’m going to tell you how because you will be too late to stop it & because i need to write everything down now while i have the nerve. 

i’m going to drown.

it will look like an accident. 

it’s better that way.

no one knows & i don’t want them to.  i don’t want their pity, they can give it to minho.  it’s better that the ex-fiancé he doesn’t love died than that the wife he loved fades away.  i think we can both agree that he’s had enough loss in his life.

i know about kai.  i’m sorry i never said anything, condolences were absolutely in order.  but we were never close & the reason i know isn’t something i wanted anyone else to discover.  that’s a secret i think i’ll keep.  you know what it’s like to lose the one you love & thought you might spend the rest of your years with.  please understand why i won’t let minho go through that.

i love him.  so very much.  he deserves to be happy & free from this.

& if i’m completely honest so do i.  it’s terminal & they gave me less than a year six months ago.  the treatments are abhorrent & i won’t be remembered as “that poor girl who got sick & died”.  perhaps it’s vanity but i want to be remembered as i am now.  it feels like a kindness to others, though.

so take care of him.  be his friend.  do whatever it takes to make him forget me.  please.