Jaebum would never get bored of watching Jinyoung’s sleeping face. He could even do that all night long. He couldn’t stop admiring how the moonlight rained on his relaxed face, creating the contrast that sharpened his features. His mouth slightly parted which was cute. His chest slowly rose and fell along with the breath he took. Jaebum couldn’t help but smiling. However, when Jinyoung woke up, it disappeared.

Jinyoung never greeted him with his sleepy smile anymore as soon as he opened his eyes. He wouldn’t even look at him. And the pair of orbs that was revealed by the eyelids contained deep hollowness Jaebum wanted so much to erase, yet couldn’t. It crushed his heart how Jinyoung still couldn’t get over the past. It pained him that Jinyoung was still hurting from the memories. He hated how it made Jinyoung stopped smiling beside a few strained smile that occasionally showed up on his face.

He watched as Jinyoung sat up and got off the bed, ignoring his existence. Instead, he exited the room and looked for Nora, followed by Jaebum. He brought her in his arms to where her food were kept. He put her down and feed her from his hand. Jaebum was relieved to see him finally sincerely smile when he did that, though he was also slightly jealous of Nora for being able to bring the expression out of Jinyoung when he couldn’t. Jinyoung pat her head and went to bathroom. Jaebum sat on the sofa as he listened to the muffled sound of water falling against the floor. Nora meowed at him and curled up beside him, her eyes never leaving his.

Half an hour later, they were walking down the street, Jaebum one step behind Jinyoung. The sky was clear, and the sun was shining brightly. Piles of cherry blossom petals brought by the wind were scattered on each side of the road. A glint of light reflected by a pair of metal accessories adorning Jinyoung’s ear. It was one of Jaebum’s. He never knew why Jinyoung suddenly pierced his ears a few months ago when he declared that he would never intentionally make a hole on any part of his body no matter what before. And even though he pierced his ears, he never bought any earrings. He only wore Jaebum’s. Well, Jaebum never asked.

Both their ears were free from earphones, since Jinyoung had stopped listening to music. Jaebum missed those moments when they would strolled around side by side with their ears plugged by the music they listened to together, humming to it. He knew music reminded Jinyoung of the accident, the reason he couldn’t hear Jaebum calling his name. It agitated Jaebum to think that the thing they used to love before made Jinyoung upset, so he wouldn’t say anything. He just silently trailing Jinyoung steps as he went inside a cafe.

Jinyoung had officially moved into Jaebum’s place a while after the accident, so it would only be fair to call it theirs. Since then, though, Jinyoung never ate at home. He even became a frequent customer to this cafe they were in since it was so close to their place. Every morning, he would order light breakfast and ate while looking absentmindedly outside the window, watching people passing by. He didn’t eat as much as he used to, and he seemed much thinner lately. Jinyoung used to feasted on his homemade meals and stuffed his mouth full, very much unlike the way he was eating his croissant now. It broke Jaebum’s heart to see him this way.

Jinyoung paid the bill and they exited the cafe. Jinyoung didn’t say anything, but Jaebum already knew where they were going. It was always the same place everyday, and Jinyoung would stay there all day, if not a few days. Jinyoung had always liked spring from all weather, so Jaebum hoped he would take his time outside before confining himself in that small, depressing place. He wished Jinyoung would look up at the bright, beautiful blue sky, and smiled like he always did. However, Jinyoung’s eyes were always casted down at the pavement they were walking on, and only sighed every fifteen minutes or so until they reached their destination.

The glass door slid open as they stepped in. They walked straight to the elevator, fortunately opened as soon as Jinyoung pressed the button. There were only two of them inside, and it remained that way until the third floor, where they were supposed to get off. Jinyoung’s face got gloomier the more steps they took. Jaebum, hating that look on Jinyoung, wanted to drag him away from here, but he knew he couldn’t. The only thing  he could do was tailing Jinyoung without a sound.

A constant beeping sound ringing their eardrums as soon as Jinyoung opened a door at the end of the corridor, revealing the back view of Mark’s red hair, flamed by the sunlight. Mark turned around on his chair at the sound and smiled, a little bit brighter than Jinyoung’s strained one and reassuring.

“Is there any change?” Jinyoung asked, slightly hopeful. Mark only sighed and shook his head. He seemed tired, dark circles shadowed his eyes. Like Jinyoung, he also looked a little bit thinner, something Jaebum thought was impossible when he was already so thin before. Jinyoung forced a wider smile.

“It’s okay, Mark, he will wake up soon. You should go home Mark, you look so tired. I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“Okay,” Mark agreed. “I’ll come back later, maybe in the evening with Jackson.” He stood up, gathered his things, and pat Jinyoung’s shoulder before he left. Now that Mark no longer sitting there, Jaebum could clearly see the side profile of the person sleeping on the only bed in the room, a face identical to his, only paler. Jaebum could never get used of seeing all those tubes and wires that came out of his body and the machines surrounding it. It reminded him and everyone else that he was so close to death, and he hated how the people he loved was filled with sadness whenever they saw them, especially Jinyoung. The boy took Mark’s place, sitting beside the bed, and took Jaebum’s hand.

“Hey, it’s Jinyoung. How are you?”

It was always the opening of their chats, continued by Jinyoung telling him about Nora, about Mark, about Jackson, about his classes, about his professors, everything. Well, basically it was Jinyoung trying hard to chat normally with forced cheerfulness to an unresponsive body and Jaebum’s answers left unheard. Jaebum already knew everything he was told about though, since he had been following Jinyoung since he woke up separated from his body. But it was still nice hearing Jinyoung talked so much, he had always liked listening to the boy’s voice. It was a pity he never sang for him again.

“Oh, right, Yugyeom said he would spent his summer break here at Korea. You must be happy to see your brother again, don’t you?”

Of course he did, he missed the silly giant boy so much. While his father would come back from LA once a month to look after him, Yugyeom was still in highschool so he couldn’t do that often. That was also the reason why his father couldn’t stay too long. Yugyeom would be all alone since their mother already passed away when Jaebum was still in middle school and Yugyeom elementary school. His father entrusted everything here to Mark, since he was already like an additional son to his family. And because Jinyoung and Jackson also took turns taking care of him, his family also came to know them and became close.

“You know, I really miss your cooking. It’s been more than two years since I ate your homemade meals. I’ve got too accustomed to your cooking that everything else tastes bland. I’m tired of eating outside. There was no one to cook for me and I couldn’t cook for everyone’s safety. Oh, and I haven’t got to eat your pasta either! It must’ve tasted great. It’s a pity that it went to waste. Still, thanks for making that pasta for me even though you hate it so much.” Jinyoung’s voice already wavered by the last sentence, and Jaebum knew he was about to break down. Jinyoung pulled up Jaebum’s hand and pressed the back against his forehead.

“You still have to cook pasta for me again… that’s why, please wake up.”

A sparkling bead of tears slithered over his cheek, and Jaebum wanted so badly to wipe it away, to hug him, to comfort him. Jaebum regretted all the time he was so hesitant and restrained himself to touch Jinyoung, regretted that he didn’t confess his love as often as he could while he was still able to do it. As he was, his touches would only go through Jinyoung, his voices would just vanished into thin air before reaching Jinyoung’s ears. He despised his helplessness, hated that he couldn’t do anything to erase the boy’s sorrow, and he wondered why he was still there.

He knew him being there would only prolonged the sadness of his beloved ones, but he was powerless to do anything. Seeing them desperately holding onto that little percentage chance of recovery the doctor gave tore him apart. It was only less 10%, why hadn’t they let him go already?

On the other hand, he felt grateful for the chance he still had. He was glad he could still have the chance to see his family that he hadn’t seen for long. He was glad he could still get to hear his friend’s voices. Each night, as the moon kept an eye on them through the window, he would watch Jinyoung serene face in deep slumber and thank the heavens for granting him another day in this world, despite always cursing it under the daylight. He wanted them to let him go, but he wasn’t even sure if he was ready to let go yet.

Jinyoung raised his head and blinked a few times, trying to keep anymore tears to escape. Jaebum would rather Jinyoung crying freely than holding back like this, trying to put up a front like he was okay in front of him. It was because of that damned doctor who said they should keep a positive atmosphere around Jaebum, so everyone always pretended that everything was alright. However, it only pained him more rather than making him feel better.

“Sorry, I’ve got too carried away. I just miss you too much,” Jinyoung said, caressing Jaebum’s jaw, which looked slightly darker from the stubble that had started growing on his face.

“Hmm, so no one shaves you yet today? That’s great, I want to do it myself. I will never be able to touch your face that much after you get well, so I need to use every chance I’ve got. Or maybe not? I kinda want to see you with a beard,” he chuckled. Even so, he still stood up to bring out a shaver, shaving cream, washbasin filled with warm water, and three towels. He put one of the towel around Jaebum’s neck to the back of his ear. He dipped the other one to the basin, squeezed it so the water wouldn’t drip on Jaebum, and lightly tapped it Jaebum’s face lower face until it was damp enough. Then he layered the area with shaving cream. A minute later, using the shaver that was already warmed up in the basin, Jinyoung started to cautiously shave the hair, trying not to touch the tube connected to the nose and mouth.  When he was done, he cleaned the cream with the wet towel and patted Jaebum’s face dry with the unused one before putting on a moisturizer.

“There, smooth as a baby,” Jinyoung smiled proudly as he carefully removed the towel so the hair on it wouldn’t get scattered. Then he took out a comb from the drawer beside the bed and carded it through Jaebum’s hair, gently unraveled the tangled strands. Every now and then Jinyoung would only the hair, letting the dark locks flowed between his fingers just for the sake of feeling it against his touch.

“It’s already getting so long. Your hair grew really fast,” Jinyoung said. “Should I trim it? You hated it when it was getting too long it covered your eyes. I might as well do it.”

He softly held Jaebum’s head as he pulled the pillow down under his shoulder and released it gently. He spread the towel he used to cover Jaebum’s neck before under his head. He took out a pair of scissors from the same drawer he got the comb from. As he trimmed Jaebum’s hair, he said, “I’m getting really good at this. Maybe I could get a part-time job at a barbershop now.”

Jaebum chuckled. Yeah, right. He could still saw the length of his hair uneven in some place.

“Done,” Jinyoung said, removing the towel and pulling the pillow back to its place. “I better clean this up before the nurse came and scolded us.”

Jinyoung brought all his shaving tools to the bathroom, leaving Jaebum with himself and his complicated feelings. He felt jealous of his own body to be touched that much by Jinyoung. At these kind of moments he would do anything to be able to go back to his body just so he could feel Jinyoung’s warmth against his skin, even though that meant he would be trapped until God knew when and couldn’t do anything. He felt happy and touched that Jinyoung cared so much for him, never stopped or hesitated to show how much he loved him.

However, at the same time, it was also heart-wrenching. He didn’t deserve all those things. He wished Jinyoung would stop coming to this depressing place called hospital. He wished Jinyoung would cut off everything related to him. He wished Jinyoung would forget him. He wished Jinyoung would love someone else, much braver than Jaebum. He wished Jinyoung would be loved by someone who could treat him better than Jaebum. He wished the hollowness in Jinyoung’s eyes would disappear and never return. He wished he would smile and laugh brightly again. He only wanted Jinyoung to be happy, no matter what it took.

He wanted to cry, yet he didn’t know if it really came out. He definitely couldn’t see it by himself, and he couldn’t sense anything through his skin anymore since he were in this form. He closed his eyes, remembering every sad faces Jinyoung made and all the tears that fell from those gentle eyes because of him. He sighed bitterly as he opened his eyes and stared at his empty shell of a body, starting to despise his own face, his own self.

“‘Till when are you going to hurt him, Im Jaebum?”

Thinking I might not be able to update next week so I hurried this new chapter. So... yeah. I want to confess that I've changed the story again, and I know back in chapter 6 I said there was going to be two or three more chapters for this fic to end. This is already the third chapter since then, and this fic still haven't finished yet. I'm sorry.

I want to write the aftermath of the accident, how Jinyoung went through it, so I actually planned to tell the story from his eyes. However, as I began to build the chapter in my head (I always do that first before writing anything :D) I had this feeling that it was wrong. This whole fic focused on Jaebum, his feelings, his thoughts, his growth as a character. To suddenly change the POV would be so wrong. So I kept it, and this is the result. I really hope you like it !

Also, I wrote this chapter putting DAY6's When You Love Someone on repeat because it matches the feel so well, so I recommend you to listen to it while or after you read this chapter. And I just realized after someone mentioned it in his reaction that You Are by GOT7 has kind of similar vibe to Fly, so turns out I get what I wanted hahah no wonder I love the song so much! Anyway, thanks for reading and please anticipate the next chapters :))