A week went by in a flash. They talked to the doctors, requested an air ambulance, filled the papers, and went through all the preparation needed for the transfer. Mark and Jackson helped Yugyeom with those. Jinyoung had wanted to help, yet was refused outright by the three and being told to just stay put and watch over Jaebum. So he did.

He truly never left Jaebum’s side, except when Yugyeom needed Jaebum’s documents which was in their apartment. He act indifferently, like Jaebum was not going to be miles away in a matter of days. That upsetting forced smile appeared on his face more often than before. The facade, though, was slightly broken when Yugyeom, by Jaebum’s request, asked for his things so he could brought them along with him to LA.

“Do you really need to bring them all with you?”

“Well, we don’t know when he would wake up, even more when he would come back to Korea. And about that apartment,” Yugyeom took a deep breath before continuing, “we’re not going to extend its lease. I know you’ve been living there, letting go of your own to take care of it and Nora. We thought it’s the best option. We’re not going to burden you with those things until who knows when.”

“You’re going to take Nora too? She can’t stay?” Jinyoung’s voice slightly trembling, his eyes shining with clear fluid layering over it.

Yugyeom bit his lips and averted his eyes to Bambam, who was looking at Jaebum. He shook his head. The purpose of these all was to clean away everything that could remind Jinyoung of him so the man could forget him. If Nora stayed, then it all would only be in vain.

“Please, can’t she stay? I’ll take a good care of her, I promise.”

Yugyeom stared at his feet, avoiding Jinyoung’s pleading eye. “I’m sorry,” he said, barely could be heard.

Dejection flashed in Jinyoung’s eyes as his eyes failed to contain the flood of sadness and let it escape. Hurt laced his words as he asked, “Why does it feel like you’re trying to erase every trace of his presence in my life?”

Jaebum could see his brother tensed at the question, before slowly lifted his gaze up to meet a tearful one. And he knew right at that moment, Jinyoung could see the truth in the pair of remorseful eyes. Yugyeom was good at pranking people, yet he had always been bad at lying.

“Why?”

The pain in his voice and the betrayed look in his eyes stung. Yugyeom looked like he was about to cry, and Jaebum despised himself more for creating this situation between the people he loved. If only he just died back then, they didn’t have to go through so much heartbreak. If only they would just give up on him. But Bambam would refuse to help him for that, and Jaebum didn’t have the heart to ask that of Yugyeom too. He saw as Jinyoung stepped forward and shook Yugyeom’s shoulders.

“Answer me! Why are you doing this?”

“Stop that,” Bambam said, putting his hand on Jinyoung’s. “It’s already hard enough for him without you cornering him like this.”

Jinyoung took his hand away.

“Is that it?” he said, broken. Yugyeom stared at him in confusion.

“Deep down, you and your father understand I’m the one to blame that you brother is hanging between life and death. Isn’t that why?”

The tall guy’s eyes widen. “No, that’s not…”

“It’s okay, it’s true anyway, I understand,” he said, rubbing his dampened cheeks dry with the back of his hand. “I’ll send his things and Nora to your hotel tomorrow. I won’t show up in front of you again.”

“Wait, Jinyoung-hyung…”

The door was already closed behind Jinyoung he couldn’t hear Yugyeom anymore. Or maybe he didn’t want to hear. Again, Jaebum tailed behind Jinyoung outside, welcomed by the gloomy sky that soon was crying along with his lover, drenching him wet with its tears as he wandered aimlessly.

--

His body was dying, he knew it.

Half a year had passed since his body was moved to LA, and at the moment he was watching as the doctors tried to save him. Last night his temperature rose tremendously, his chest heaved as his body instinctively struggled to fill his lungs with the oxygen provided by the ventilator. The riotous beeping sound adding to the turmoil that happened inside the room. Then the doctor diagnosed him with pneumonia. It was too much for him, so he escaped to see Jinyoung. Even though he and Bambam both quite sure his soul would stay even though his body was gone, he decided not to bet on it.

Being a ghost was quite convenient, he could pop up anywhere he liked. One moment he was talking with Bambam at his room in LA, the next he was watching Jinyoung sleeping on his bed, which he did every night. And yes, Jinyoung hadn’t moved out of his place yet.

Stubborn as he was, Jinyoung refused to let go of the apartment. He even took part time jobs so he could pay the rent since it was slightly more expensive than his apartment before. Jaebum wondered when would he eventually get tired and gave up. Maybe if he really died this time, he would.

Jaebum showed up at his- no, Jinyoung’s- apartment, finding the owner deep in slumber on the sofa with a book opened upside down on his chest. It was The Catcher in the Rye, Jinyoung’s favorite book of all time. Only God knew how many times he had reread the book over and over again.

Jaebum stared worriedly at the sleeping man. He could catch a cold, sleeping like this without any blanket in the middle of winter. If Nora was still there, he could tell him to jump on Jinyoung or something to wake him up. However, the girl was already on the other side of the world, along with his dying body.

The apartment seemed mostly the same as before he left, except for the absence of his things and Nora. However, no matter how much he wanted his trace to be erased, Jinyoung was determined to keep however little signs he could have of Jaebum’s existence in his life. Even though he never cook, he kept the kitchen and its cooking wares clean. He kept the book they bought together. He singled out his favorite red hoodie from the rest of his clothes before he sent it to Yugyeom, which he wore as he slept drooling onto it. He also wore Jaebum’s cologne which was still half a bottle left and his earrings, another one he left out from his package to Yugyeom. He also hung the rings they made together with a chain and it never left his neck.

Just as he thought, Jinyoung was down with a cold the day after. He watched worriedly as the man persistently preparing to go to the college. He sneezed and coughed continuously, his eyes dimmed, and he swayed everytime he walked. Jaebum was pretty sure he was burning with fever, though maybe not as high as his physical body. He sighed in relief as he saw Jackson stood there when Jinyoung opened the door, about to step out.

“Hey Jin… what happened to you?!” the wide grin on his face disappeared, replaced by concern.

“I’m okay,” Jinyoung said, his weak and hoarse voice not convincing. “What are you doing here?”

“You looked so pale, and you’re still going to attend your class? Let’s be sane for a second and just go straight to your bed like a good boy.”

Jackson dragged the patient back inside and sat him on the bed, pulling his backpack off of his shoulder. Jackson put his palm on Jinyoung’s forehead before quickly pulled it off again while shrieking.

“You’re burning hot!”

“You’re overreacting.”

“And you’re mad. How could you still want to go to college with that fever? What if you faint or something?” Jackson shook his head and clicked his tongue in disbelief. “Change your clothes. Have you eaten?”

It was Jinyoung’s turn to shake his head. “Not yet. I don’t have the appetite to eat.”

“Even so, you still have to eat, you moron,” Jackson said, lifting Jinyoung’s wrist between his thumb and forefinger in distaste. “Look at how small it is now. You’re almost as thin as Mark, and he’s a special case. You’re not. It means you’re not eating well, so I’m going to get you a food and you better eat it.”

Jinyoung jerked his wrist off of Jackson’s hold. “Fine. But don’t use the kitchen.”

Jackson furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, and Jinyoung just shrugged. “I don’t want you to make a mess or burn something there. I just cleaned it.”

“You don’t even use it, why are you so tied up on keeping it clean?”

Jinyoung averted his eyes, refusing to answer. However, his silence was enough answer to the question. Jackson sighed.

“Fine, I need to buy your medicine anyway, and I bet it’s been awhile since you last bought groceries. Now, change your clothes and sleep. I’ll be back.”

After Jackson was gone, Jinyoung pushed himself off of the bed, sluggishly walked to the wardrobe. He put on a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt, and Jaebum’s hoodie over it. Before it was already slightly too big on his frame, and since he got way thinner, it just looked so baggy on him. And combined with his paled face, he seemed so fragile he could break with just a touch of a finger that Jaebum for once was glad he couldn’t touch him. Jinyoung lied down on the bed, curling his body under the warmth of the blanket, looking so small Jaebum felt his heart clenched. Just like the sickness draining his life at the moment, memories of him was draining Jinyoung’s he didn’t seem like he was living anymore beside the fact that he was breathing and moving.

Jaebum watched as the long eyelashes lining on the edge of his eyelids slowly dropped, and the sound of his breathing evened into a steadily slow pacing. As always, Jinyoung looked the most peaceful when he was asleep.

However, all of sudden Jinyoung scrunched up his face. He started shifting restlessly in his sleep, mumbling faintly something Jaebum couldn’t made out. He moved closer, only to hear his name softly verbalized under Jinyoung’s breath. A drop of tears slid down from the corner of the sick man’s closed eyes to his temple. And suddenly Jaebum felt an excruciating pain from inside him, the closest to a physical pain he had ever felt since he was in this form. Though it came from his chest, it wasn’t like his chest or any organ on the area hurt. It felt like it came from the core of his existence.

Maybe Jinyoung could feel it too, that his time was drawing near. And again, Jaebum wished that Jinyoung could finally give up on him and go on with his life. He couldn’t bear to see Jinyoung like this anymore. The faster he was gone would be better. Maybe he would be grieving for a moment, but he will get over it and live on, just like when Jaebum lost Youngjae back then. And someday he would meet someone who could fill his everyday with happiness, just like when Jaebum finally met him and found happiness again.

--

If I get high enough

If I get high enough

Will I see you again?

After years, songs finally filled his apartment again. However, Jaebum couldn’t hear any of it. His ears were filled with rush of panic when he came back and saw Jinyoung remain motionless on the bed. His face was white as sheet, his hair matted on his forehead by the sweat beaded on his skin. Jaebum cursed his helplessness, hated he could only be relieved when Jackson slammed the door and ran to the unconscious man, trying to shook him awake to no avail.

Some moments later, Jinyoung finally opened his eyes on the hospital bed, IV drip connected to his vein. He turned his head to find Mark sitting on a chair beside him.

“You’re malnourished and anemic,” the red-headed said.

Jinyoung kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling, refusing to look again at the man. Jinyoung sighed.

“How come you don’t resent me? You lost your best friend because of me.”

It had been a month since the news of Jaebum’s family decided to take off his life support reached Jinyoung. Things weren’t looking great with him having secondary infection, which lowered his already low chance of survival. It didn’t get better, so his father decided to shorten his suffering.

Jinyoung refused to leave his place after that. He didn’t attend his classes. He didn’t eat beside the few bites Jackson managed to get inside his mouth. And even though the only thing he did was laying on the bed hugging Jaebum’s hoodie, he was barely sleeping, mostly crying.

“I don’t resent you, but I’m indeed mad at you. Jaebum didn’t save your life and sacrifice his life for you to waste it like this,” Mark said, and Jinyoung finally met his gaze again, eyes grim with guilt and sadness.

“Do you know what I said to Jaebum the first time I saw him alone after the incident in his room?”

Jinyoung shook his head.

“I congratulated him.”

Jinyoung stared at him, puzzled. Mark smiled bitterly.

“I congratulated him because he managed to save you. And by saving you, he saved himself. I’d rather him dying without regret after saving you than being killed by his self-blaming and grief from losing you right before his eyes. He has survived it once, he’s not going to get through it alive the second time. You already experienced what he felt back then right now so you must’ve known very well how it felt. Imagine experiencing it twice, more severe than the first. Do you think you will survive? Do you think he will survive?”

Jinyoung averted his eyes, and slowly shook his head again. Tears had started to fill his eyes again.

“But now, forget about having no regrets. Do you think he can leave peacefully seeing you like this? You want him to suffer with you in his passing?”

Jinyoung shook his head for the third time. A drop of tears fell to his cheek.

“And now, are you going to continue being this way?”

Jaebum afraid Jinyoung’s neck would break with how much he shook his head. “I’m sorry, I never thought that way. You’re right. I won’t do that again,” Jinyoung snuffled timidly, like a kid being scolded by an elder when he and Mark were the same age.

“Promise me you’ll eat?” Mark said, looking at him sternly.

“I promise.”

“And you’ll attend your classes again?”

“I promise,” Jinyoung repeated.

“Great,” Mark smiled softly, “now that you’ve promised to be good, I have a present for you.”

Mark took his bag from the floor and pulled out a classic iPod from it’s pocket. Jaebum was surprised to see it. He couldn’t believe Mark would actually give it to Jinyoung. Jinyoung took it and stared at the object confusedly.

“Pretty old-fashioned, isn’t he? I don’t even know where he got it,” Mark chuckled. “ It was supposed to be your Christmas gift. Jaebum left it with me because he was afraid you would find it if he kept it himself.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widen at the information. “This is from… Jaebum?”

Mark nodded. Jinyoung opened the library, and found the songs they used to listen to, their favorites. There was another folder, named ‘For You’.

“He said it’s the songs he wanted you to listen to. Well, it’s mostly filled by sappy love song to be honest,” Mark said, holding out an earphone, “but you really need to listen to the last track.”

Jaebum couldn’t believe what he just heard. Did Mark just told Jinyoung to listen to it? Jinyoung took the earphone perplexedly. “Why?”

Mark smiled. “Just listen to it.”

Jinyoung’s eyebrows knitted in confusion, and Jaebum desperately wanted to scream out of frustration because he couldn’t stop it. Jinyoung put the earphone in his ear, and played the song. The sound that first flowed into his ears was an acoustic guitar. There were noises that told him that the song was live recorded. However, the familiar voice that followed after made him gasp in surprise, and the flow of tears that had stopped for a moment was pouring down again. It wasn’t the voice of a singer or a band he knew. It was Jaebum’s.

Your eyes that look at me are filled with cuteness
Every word you say is so cute to me
Sometimes, when you complain, you seem like a little girl
I can’t take my eyes off you, can’t take my eyes off you

I just wanna stay with you, girl you glowing
Whatever it is, I wanna do it with you
Let’s dream together
I just wanna be with you, you shine
I’ll shine for you
Shine for me baby

You and I, You and I, You and I
I wanna be with you

You and I , You and I, You and I , You and I
I wanna walk with you

erm like an angel with no wings
God know what it is and where it’s going
yeah whenever I see you, I’m in a good mood
Only bad thing is, I can’t sleep because of you

erm your smile is a like a star
I was lost, tell me the address to your heart
I’m not trying to convince but
I’ll wait by your side till you need somebody

I just wanna stay with you, girl you glowing
Whatever it is, I wanna do it with you
Let’s dream together
I just wanna be with you, you shine
I’ll shine for you
Shine for me baby

You and I, You and I, You and I
I wanna be with you

You and I , You and I, You and I , You and I
I wanna walk with you

Jaebum didn’t dare to look at Jinyoung’s face throughout the song. For the first time in a while Jaebum was glad people couldn’t see him. If he wasn’t in this form, the heat would’ve already crawled up to his cheeks. He finally looked up to find Jinyoung’s crying. He hated it when the man cried, but that time it was okay. Because the tears was accompanied with something he had been missing.

The tip of Jinyoung’s mouth was pulled up, his eyes disappeared, surrounded by the crinkles Jaebum hadn’t seen for long. Then the melodious sound of his laugh chirping across the room, sincere and filled with happiness.

With that laugh, Jaebum knew that Jinyoung was ready to start anew. And Jaebum smiled, wondering what kind of future and happiness that awaited Jinyoung, wishing he could witness it. He moved closer to the source of that beautiful sound, lifting his hand close to Jinyoung’s face, wishing he could touch him one last time as he slowly fading away.

*The End*

P. S. :

So, it's the end of my longest fic ever. I can't believe myself that it ends like this, and I'm still in a haze because of it. I never intended it to end like this, but ideas just kept popping up as I wrote it and this is the result. I actually have one more chapter in mind as an epilogue, but I'm still pondering on writing it or not. Do you want the epilogue? Or not? If you do, let me know ;)

JB and Jackson sing an OST! The song was so good and sweet and it suits the story so I use it ^0^ It's an OST of a drama called 'The Package', and the song itself is called 'U&I'. As for the song at the beginning of the sub-chapter, which I only used three line of it, is titled 'If I Get High' by Nothing but Thieves. I wanted to put this song because it suited Jinyoung's feelings so much, so I did.

Thanks for going through this roller coaster ride of emotions with me, and thanks for staying throughout this fic. It could get this far thanks to your interest and support. Once again, thank you so much :))