Jaebum woke up when the sun had already gone west. His body still tired and mind felt ragged. He dragged himself toward the bathroom, and stared at the mess of a human in the mirror. He looked terrible. Black shadows had formed under his eyes again, and he looked pale. He hadn’t been able to sleep at night again, all progress he made the past year lost. It wasn’t because of the fear from nightmare anymore though. The longing for Jinyoung was just too great it suffocated him, overshadowing the fear. Despite that, the nightmare would affect him greater than before, as the fact that it still appeared indicated that Jinyoung’s future hadn’t changed and therefore became a constant reminder of why he should keep staying away from the boy.

It had been a month since their break up, half of it since he last saw Jinyoung. The first half consisted of Jinyoung stubbornly waiting outside his classes. Jaebum would hide behind the wall at the junction of the corridor, watching him from afar and waited until he left before he went into the class, receiving the lecturers annoyed stare because their lectures were disturbed. He eventually seemed to give up, and Jaebum never saw him anymore, feeling relieved in spite of the pang in his heart because the only moment he was able to observe Jinyoung’s face as much as he could was taken away.

Jinyoung had influenced his life too much that the void Jinyoung left was too big he couldn’t remember how his life was before he met Jinyoung. There were traces of Jinyoung everywhere, yet the person itself was nowhere to be seen. He was in Jaebum’s playlist, so he didn’t listen to music anymore. He was in every food he cooked, making him losing appetite on everything he made that he started losing weight. He was on the bookshelf, so he covered it with a wide piece of fabric. He was in every shows and dramas he saw on tv, so he didn’t turn it on anymore. Even after all he did (or didn’t do), every corner of his apartment still brought memories of Jinyoung. And since he stopped doing everything he normally did at home, he had nothing to distract his mind with, so it would still be filled with Jinyoung. It really drove him crazy.

Jaebum sighed, tearing his eyes off from the sad reflection of his. He took a shower, turning it as cold as possible so the hurricane inside his head would cool down. More preferable if it could make his brain freeze so he wouldn’t be able to think anymore, however it was too good to be true hence impossible. When he got out from the bathroom, he found Nora waiting for him and nudged her nose to Jaebum’s leg, meowing. Jaebum took her into his arms, carrying her to lie with him on the sofa in the living room. He put her on his stomach, her silky fur. It was a rare chance when instead of scratching his hand and ran away, she stayed put and purred.

“Don’t you miss him? You used to play all the time with him and ignore me when I’m the one who keep you fed, you ungrateful princess.”

Nora stared at him with her blue eyes and meowed softly. Jaebum smiled sadly and said, “Well, I do.”

Nora meowed again and walked up to his chest, surprising him by his nose. He smiled fondly and kiss her, petting her head. He understood that she wanted to comfort him, and the pain in his heart subsided, even though he knew it was still there.

Suddenly, his doorbell rang. He put Nora down, wondering who it was. He then remembered Mark texted he would come over the afternoon. He sighed, feeling bad for the red haired boy for having to stand between him and Jackson. Jackson had been angry at Jaebum for breaking up with his best friend one-sidedly, and refused to talk with Jaebum the whole month. And Mark, being the great friend he was, wouldn’t leave him alone with his own mess. It seemed like they fought because of it in the first weeks, since he never mentioned Jackson’s name anymore and never seen together with the other anymore. He felt worse because of it, so he persuaded Mark to make up with Jackson. Their relationship didn’t have to pay the price of Jaebum being a jerk. And now, as Mark stated, they were in a truce. It still didn’t sit well with Jaebum, but he had to be satisfied by it since Mark could really be the most stubborn person he ever knew.

The bell rang again, and Jaebum shouted to Mark to wait a minute as he walked to unlock the door. However, the face that door revealed wasn’t Mark’s. It was Jinyoung’s.

Jaebum was too stunned he didn’t react to close the door in time. By the time he came to his sense, Jinyoung had already slid inside. Jinyoung stared at him, crossing his arms in front of his chest as Jaebum sighed and closed the door. There was no way he could make Jinyoung leave when he was already inside. The boy could be as stubborn as Mark if he wanted.

“Let’s sit first before we talk.”

They walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. Jaebum’s heart ached when he saw how Jinyoung smiled at Nora. It wasn’t how he used to smile before. Now the smile didn’t reach his eyes, which looked as exhausted as Jaebum. Nora jumped onto Jinyoung’s lap, and purred when the boy her fur.

“Now, what do you want to talk about?” Jaebum asked, sighing deeply. He seemed to be sighing too much these days.

“Do you want me to leave that badly?” Jinyoung smiled at him, so sad his heart was shattered to pieces. Jaebum clenched his jaw tightly, trying not to break down in front of Jinyoung. Jinyoung put Nora down, and she ran into Jaebum’s room. “You suddenly break up with me and cut me off of your life without giving me any reason to accept. Mark told me to give you some space for a while but I just couldn’t take it anymore. Don’t you think I have the right to know why?”

“I have no reason I can tell you,” Jaebum said, tearing his eyes off from Jinyoung. He couldn’t afford being weakened by Jinyoung’s gaze right then.

“Is it because you still love Youngjae?”

Jaebum’s eyes was snapped back at Jinyoung’s again. He never expected Youngjae’s name would come out of Jinyoung’s mouth. “How do you know about Youngjae?”

“I found his picture between the pages of a book you put at the very bottom of your bookshelf the second time I came here. I asked Mark and he told me he was your ex.”

Jaebum observed him, and felt relieved. Seemed like it was all he knew. Of course Mark wouldn’t reveal his past without his permission.

Jinyoung slid down to the floor on his knees, holding Jaebum’s gaze and put his hands on top of Jaebum’s. “I’ve told you I never expected anything from you, right? I just wanted to be with you. I will never ask for your love. Just please, let me stay by your side,” Jinyoung said, pleading, with tears hanging on the edge of his eyes. He sounded so desperate, and it pained Jaebum for having to keep rejecting him like this when all he wanted was hugging Jinyoung tightly and never let go. But he knew he couldn’t. He tried so hard to hold back his own tears.

“I just can’t do it anymore. Please, just let me go, Jinyoung. There are many others that will love you with all their heart, and any of them will be better than me,” Jaebum felt his voice shaking, indicating his cover slowly cracking.

“But the one I love is you! The only one I want to be with is you!” Jinyoung stood up abruptly, yelling in frustration. “Is it because I’m going to die?”

Jaebum froze. No, no way. There’s no way he knows. “What are you saying?”

“You know right? That I’m going to die. That’s why you’re willing to go out with me, because you pity me.”

Jaebum felt like he was being struck by thunder. For a moment, it seemed like his heart had stopped breathing. Too many questions whirled inside his head. However, nothing came out from the gap between his lips. He could only saw Jinyoung running his hand over his hair in frustration.

“You’ve been dreaming of it, haven’t you? Is that why you’re afraid to sleep? I thought it was just an ordinary nightmare. I didn’t realize it until I see how you reacted to my jacket back on my birthday. The only one who knows I will die wearing it supposed to be only me. But you know it too, am I right?”

Jaebum looked down, didn’t know what to say. Everything he said was right. “Does it come to you too? The dream?” Jaebum asked, quietly. He could hear Jinyoung took a deep breath.

“Yes,” he answered, sitting back down on the sofa. “That’s why, can’t you just stay with me? Even if it’s just for pity?”

He sounded so fragile. Jaebum never heard him talked that way, so frail and sorrowful. Despite that, Jaebum kept shaking his head, his hands covering his face and hiding the tears he could no longer hold.

“Or do you actually hate me because I keep giving you a hard time through the nightmare? I can understand.”

“No, that’s not it,” Jaebum said, muffled by his palms.

“Then why?”

“Because I love you!” Jaebum screamed out, finally looking up at Jinyoung with tears streaming down his face. “I’ve only loved one person before I met you, and do you know where he is now? He’s dead! I barely able to get over depression and you expect me to go through that all over again when you’re gone?”

He continued, weak and broken, “I won’t be able to continue living, Jinyoung. Not after falling into that dark, bottomless pit the second time. I won't be able to climb back up.”

Jinyoung was taken aback by his sudden outburst, then he seemed dejected. He reached out to Jaebum, but Jaebum flinched away and said, “please, Jinyoung, leave me alone.”

Jinyoung reluctantly drew back his hand. Jaebum could see the hurt in his eyes as he stood up. “Okay, I’ll leave for now. I know I might seem selfish to you, but I won’t give up. A man who is going to die allowed to be selfish, right?” Jinyoung smiled, but like before, it didn’t reach his eyes. “See you, Jaebum.”

Jaebum listened as Jinyoung footsteps got further and further until the door closed. Then he was left by himself, surrounded by the sorrow that suffocated him. This is for the best, staying away from Jinyoung. Yet if it was the right choice, why did both of them suffered a pain so great, both Jinyoung and him? If it was his punishment, why wasn't he the only one hurting?

Jaebum didn't know anymore.

P. S. :

I have to apologize, since it seems like every new chapter is shorter than the ones before. However, in exchange I've been updating much faster than earlier chapters, so forgive me ;D Hope you enjoy this chapter :))