What was happiness?

That was the question that had been hanging in the back of Jinyoung’s mind. He used to know what it was. He could never specify what it was, but he always knew it when he felt it. “Ah, I’m so happy,” he would think whenever the corner of his mouth was hanging up so high and his heart was about to burst like a firework. However, it had been so long since he last felt it. He didn’t feel it when he graduated with fairly good marks even though others was congratulating him. He didn’t feel it when he got his first job as an editor in a big publishing company. He didn’t feel it when his first authored novel after he quit the job became a bestseller. And that was why he couldn’t identify it anymore.

All he could feel now was longing. He longed for him, and another day passed. He longed for him, and another year passed. Just like that, four years had passed without him realizing it. Four years without Jaebum.

He used to ask himself, how could he live without Jaebum? When inside he also died when Jaebum was gone? But then Mark told him to live on for the very person that left him behind. The person that made him lose the desire to keep walking on this world. The person that took the crash in his stead. The person that sacrificed his own life so he could live. And so he did, living just like that.

He would laugh at the him back then. How could he think that way when he had been living well without Jaebum for eighteen years before meeting him? A period of his life that was way longer than the time he spent with Jaebum. It was just like going back to when he hadn’t known Jaebum yet. See? Soon he was already smiling again, laughing again. Just like nothing had ever happened.

But he couldn’t. Every smile shaped by his lips, every laugh ringing his throat, was all for Jaebum to see and hear. So he wouldn’t worry over him. So he would know that he was happy even though Jaebum wasn’t there anymore. Jinyoung only hoped that Jaebum could never look into his heart. Because there was only a cold and empty space in that part of him, frozen in time by the bloody snow of the winter when Jaebum was gone. That was why he never looked for Jaebum’s grave. Because the moment he came face to face with the definite proof that Jaebum was no longer living in the same world as him, all those facade he build with so much effort would crumbled down at once.

So he was looking for happiness, because it became hard to keep pretending. He didn’t want Jaebum to feel sad if he knew he wasn’t happy. However, how could you find something if you didn’t know what it was? And again, he could only ask himself.

What was happiness?

--

Jinyoung sipped his caramel macchiato, appreciating the bittersweet taste it left on his tongue. His eyes never left the words printed over the book he was holding with his left hand as he put down the cup on the table in front of him with the other. His ears were filled with the songs he played on shuffle which he didn’t really pay attention to, since he was too immersed in the book. He just played it for the sake of separating himself from the world surrounding him. However, he was dragged back the moment one of his earbuds was pulled away from his ear, and the soothing music was replaced by a deafening yell.

“JINYOOOOUUUNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!”

Jinyoung covered his buzzing ear with his hand as he looked up to meet with Jackson’s grinning face, in opposite to his annoyed one.

“What?! You’re disturbing other customers!”

“Just announcing the arrival of my awesome self,” Jackson said as he sat across Jinyoung.

Jinyoung took off the other earbud and closed his book before putting them on the table, still irritated. “You don’t have to be that loud, right? Now I’m too embarrassed to order anything again.”

“Why? You can just order,” Jackson raised his hand up to call the waiter, while Jinyoung shook his head in disbelief. The gap between Jackson’s insecure and shameless side could never cease to surprise him, even though he had seen it for more than twenty years already. He sighed in defeat.

“Where’s Mark? You said he’s coming,” he said after the waiter left.

“He will come later. The director was holding him back.”

“He seemed really busy, it’s been so long since I last saw him.”

“Really busy, I guess, being an assistant director. Even I rarely see him these days, even though we live together. He often has overnight filmings so it can’t be helped,” Jackson said, seemingly disappointed.

“Well, at least you can see him,” Jinyoung blurted out without thinking. And when he realized what he had just said, he found Jackson’s eyes layered with sadness and worry. He chuckled, trying to brush away the uncomfortable air he had created.

“What’s with that look?”

Jackson shut his eyes and exhaled heavily. He opened them again after a moment and glanced at the iPod beside Jinyoung.

“You really haven’t forgotten him even a little bit, have you? Even after all these years?”

“How can I?” Jinyoung smiled sadly. He casted his eyes outside the window beside him, resting his chin on his hand. He played his earring with his thumb and forefinger.

“Do you know why I pierced my ear even though I said I hate it so much?”

He heard no answer from Jackson, so he continued. “I want something of him pierced through my body. I want to keep something of him inside of me. So even if I lose everything that could remind me of Jaebum, even if my memory fades, I won’t forget him. The weight of his earrings dangling on my ears would constantly remind me of him. And whenever I see my face in the mirror, looking at the holes I once swore would never make, I’ll remember him,” he looked back at Jackson again, “that’s why, I’d never forget him my whole life.”

The waiter came and put everything they ordered on their table, but they ignored him, both didn’t break off the exchange their eyes made. It was a while after the waiter was gone that Jackson spoke again.

“You love him that much, huh?” Not really a question, but Jinyoung still answered nonetheless.

“Yeah, I do. Maybe if we scale my love for him and his for me, mine would completely outweigh his by a wide margin,” Jinyoung chuckled, trying to ease the mood. However it seemed like it brought different effect to Jackson since the sadness in his eyes only got deeper. He shook his head slightly.

“I won’t be so sure about that.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened in surprise. He didn’t expect Jackson to defend Jaebum over that. He would understand if it was coming from Mark, but never from Jackson. It really caught him off guard that he couldn’t say anything. Jackson resumed to speak.

“Do you know why I never really made an effort to push you into forgetting Jaebum? You know me. It’s something I so possibly do after he left. But I didn’t. Why?” He stopped for a moment before continuing. ”Because there’s no one who could love you as much as him. Though I know it’s best for you to forget him, even though that’s what he asked me to do, I can’t bear the thought of you being with someone who loves you less than he did.”

“W-what do you mean? Jaebum asked you?” Jinyoung felt his heart stopped. He must be hearing it wrong. It wasn’t possible, at all. However, Jackson slowly nodded, confirming that his ears caught it right.

“What a nonsense! Jaebum was in coma the whole time!”

“Do you remember how you often got sick or even collapsed back then? How do you think I always managed to be there at the right time?”

No. No way. “It… it was just a coincidence.”

“It wasn’t. Jaebum was there the whole time, beside you, watching over you.”

Jinyoung still refused to believe it. “How could you know he was there if no one could see him?”

“Bambam could. He was the only one. He has that ability since he was a kid. He said it was the first time he met someone who was separated from his/her body when the person itself was still alive.”

A thought came across Jinyoung’s mind. If Jaebum could wander around as a spirit even when he was in coma, then he would still be here after he was gone, right? Jinyoung quickly turned around, frantically looking for any trace of Jaebum being there. When he finally looked back at Jackson, his eyes had already layered with tears, filled with hope that was quickly crushed by Jackson’s next words.

“No, he’s not here anymore. Do you remember that time you collapsed and Mark gave you that iPod? Since then he disappeared, no one knew why.”

Jinyoung felt a lump in his throat. His barely patched up heart was being torn open all over again. It was as if he had discovered that Jaebum was dead the second time. He choked up and dissolved into tears. Jackson moved to his side and pulled his head to his chest, a hand gently his back.

“We always wondered why he wandered back then. But deep inside we always knew. It was because of you. He was worried you would blame yourself and get drowned in sorrow, and you did. He worried about you so much that he got separated from his physical body. That itself showed how much he loved you.”

Jinyoung cried louder. “Why… why are you telling me this?”

The answer that came wasn’t in Jackson’s voice, but Mark’s, who he didn’t notice had arrived. “Because that’s connected to what we’re going to tell you now, Jinyoung,” he said. Jinyoung looked up, finding the red haired man standing beside their table. However, he wasn’t the only one standing there.

“Y-Yugyeom? W-why are you here?”

--

Every steps Jinyoung took was heavy. His legs felt weak, and it took so much effort for him to keep the steps steady. All kind of emotions stormed inside him and jumbled together into a mess of feelings he didn’t even know anymore what they were. He wanted to run, but he didn’t know which way he truly wanted to run to. He always thought the fact that was just being laid bare before him was everything he had ever wanted, but after he knew it, he became scared because the fact was accompanied by another one that had never crossed his mind. And it was something that made him shrink back into the time when he didn’t know anything, no matter how dark and hollow that period was.

However, despite his fear, his feet never stopped stepping in front another, bringing him to that direction Yugyeom told him. They didn’t stop no matter how many shoulders bumped against his as he walked through the crowd. Even though he didn’t get out from the revolving door of the hotel until the fifth turn, even though he took the emergency stairs instead of the elevator seven floor up just to delay the confirmation of the truth he was just told, they didn’t stop. Even though when he finally reached the seventh floor and his heart pounded against his chest so heart it hurt, they didn’t stop until he stood in front of a certain door.

He knocked the door twice, so faint it could barely be heard. However he couldn’t bring himself to knock it again. A part of him wishing it was loud enough for the occupant of the room to hear and open the door, another part hoping the wooden board would never be opened. But after a few minutes it did, revealing the familiar figure he had been yearning for all those years, sitting on a wheelchair.

“Jaebum-hyung woke up about two years ago.”

Jinyoung found himself frozen. He never thought he would see that face again in person, not just a remain of his memories.

“It was true my father decided to stop his life support, but I begged him to wait at least a week in case he was getting better. Bambam’s brother, Nichkhun, was the doctor in charge of him. He also asked father to wait a few days for him to search for a way to cure Jaebum-hyung. Father finally agreed, and three days later Nichkhun-hyung really found a way. It succeeded, and his condition eventually became stable again. I wanted to tell you, but Jaebum-hyung told me not to. You know how stubborn he was, and he thought that you forgetting him was the best for you, and that even though he wasn’t in a critical condition, it still wasn’t clear if he was going to wake up or not.”

Jinyoung thought he could never stare into the small, dark eyes under the two moles on one side again. He thought he could never hear that smooth, deep voice again even though the words it contained hurt him so. He saw the thin lips parted, and through the gap the words came.

“Who are you?”

“He woke up, but he lost all his memories since the start of high school. He didn’t even remember Mark-hyung. And he didn’t remember you. So the four of us, including Bambam, decided not to tell you. At the time, you were still struggling to stand back up and get your life together. You were already accepting that Jaebum-hyung was gone, and we didn’t want this to make you depressed again and ruin everything. It’s also for the sake of Jaebum-hyung.”

“What do you mean?”

It was Mark turn to talk. “All his life, since Youngjae’s death, he’s been living in guilt. You could never imagine how much he suffered. His self-blaming was so severe that he thought he didn’t have the right to fall in love with someone and didn’t deserve happiness. That was also what holding him back from being completely happy with you. So, although it was unfair for Youngjae, we thought that it’s better to let Jaebum forget him, so he can start a completely new life and find happiness. And about you…”

Jinyoung started to lose his patience. “What? What about me?”

Yugyeom was the one who answered him. “Bambam said he once slipped out that he felt bad that everyone was wasting their time for someone who would never wake up. Bambam asked why, saying that there was still a chance that he would wake up. He said he would never wake up because he didn’t want to. He thought you were alive and well because he wasn’t, in your place. He was scared that if he woke up, God will try to take you again. I wanted to say it was nonsense, but for him, it was real. That was why we were afraid if he remembered you, remembered that, he would do something foolish. And at the time, he was still too weak to bear that much stress.”

Jinyoung took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears that was threatening to flow out. At that moment, after he was finally able to see him, he realized that he didn’t care that Jaebum didn’t remember him anymore. The most important thing that he was able to see Jaebum again, and stay by his side again. It didn’t matter how much effort it needed. He was able to be with him back then through his unyielding persistence, never giving up no matter what. He just needed to do that again and make Jaebum love him again. And even though Jaebum didn’t remember the days they spent together, they could just make new memories, happier than they were before. He smiled.

“My name is Jinyoung. Park Jinyoung.”

“Jin… young?” Jaebum repeated. Jinyoung relished himself at how nice his name sounded in the voice he had been missing so much. It was getting harder to keep the tears from pouring out. However, Jaebum preceded him.

A single tear fell down on the pale cheek, followed by many others. Jaebum touched his own cheek with his fingers and stared at the fluid that was transferred to them, his face mirroring Jinyoung’s surprise.

“W-why am I crying?” Jaebum looked at him, “What are you to me?”

“Then why are you telling me now?”

Jackson opened his mouth for the first time after Mark and Yugyeom came. “Because we realize, just like no one could ever love you as much as he did, no one could ever love him as much as you do, and maybe he could never love anyone else more than he loved you.”

“But...” the words was stuck in his throat. It hurt him so much to say it, but he forced it out anyway. “He doesn’t remember me anymore. The man who loved me as much as you said is no more.”

“He still does,” Yugyeom said. Jinyoung stared at him in confusion, and he continued, “He once told me his heart ached so much everytime he looked at the moon, like he was missing something important, but he didn’t know what. He often woke up in tears. He didn’t remember what he was dreaming but he said he felt so happy that he was sad it ended. I didn’t understand any of it until I passed his room in the middle of the night and heard him calling your name in his sleep. He still loves you, even after he forgets about you. The only person who could make him happy is you, just like he’s the only one who could make you happy.”

Jinyoung let his tears fall. He walked up to the man he loved and knelt down in front of him. He took off his necklace, the rings dangled on it was clanking as he put it on Jaebum’s hand. He smiled as he held Jaebum’s gaze with his own.

“I’m someone you’ve stolen many things from. You stole the key of my heart and left me trapped there in the cold darkness, waiting for you to come back and pull me outside. You stole happiness from me that I forgot what it was when you’re not with me. You even tried to stole my memories of the person I love the most, but fortunately you failed.”

“I’m someone you owe many things to. You owe me your promise that you’d never leave me again, yet you kept trying to leave me. You owe me every tears I shed since I met you, because it was all because of you. And you also owe me a serving of pasta.”

“That’s why you have to take responsibility. I’ll never let you off until you return everything you’ve stolen and pay back everything you owe. And that means you will be stuck with me forever.”

Jaebum’s lips parted and a laughter filled the room. It was the most beautiful sound Jinyoung had ever heard and he felt his heart clenched from missing it too much. Then he saw the corners of his lips lifted up, and the dazzling smile took his breath away.

“What’s wrong with me? Although I don’t understand anything you said, as crazy as it is, the moment you said you’ll stay with me forever, I felt so happy it was overwhelming. The minute I saw you, my heart told me that you’re holding the missing pieces I’ve lost, something important that I long for it so much it hurts. So,” his smile widened, and Jinyoung felt his heart stopped, “I won’t let you off either until you return them to me.”

Jinyoung wrapped his arms around Jaebum’s waist and rest his head on his lap, basking in the warmth he hadn’t feel for years with his eyes closed. Fingers gently his head, playing with his hair, just like how Jaebum used to do before. He felt a pair of warm, soft lips on his temple and he looked up to meet with a loving gaze. If this was a dream, he never wanted to wake up.

“So, let’s start paying you back. What kind of pasta did I owe you? Are you sure I owed you that? I hate creamy food though.”

Jinyoung chuckled, “I know, but you really did. And you have to eat that with me.”

Jaebum groaned, and Jinyoung laughed his heart out like he never did for years. He felt his heart about to burst like a firecracker. He finally had his happiness in his arms, filling every cavity inside of him and he felt whole again. He didn’t have to pretend anymore.

He had found Jaebum. And that was what happiness is.

At last, the epilogue. Now it's really the end. Half of this chapter is inspired by BTOB's Missing You, so I recommend you to listen to the song while reading. I'm not even their fan but this song is just freaking good.

So... I actually gambled. I thought the ending before was so perfect, but I couldn't erase the feeling of wanting to make Jaebum happy because he's my bias and I've made him suffer so much T_T. I pondered over it so much but I couldn't decide. That's why I asked you whether you want an epilogue or not, to decide his fate. Many of you said you wanted it, so congratulations, you've changed Jaebum's fate *applause* If any of you feel like you like the ending before better, it's okay, you can just treat this epilogue as nonexistent because both are the endings of this fic. You can choose whichever ending you want.

Anyway, thanks for reading this story through until the end. Thanks for your support. I hope this epilogue can appease the hearts I've broken through the last chapter. I felt so, so sorry back then. Wish you like this chapter and thanks again for reading :D