The days were getting colder and colder, and the wind no longer brought reddish-brown leaves along with its flow, but the small hueless frozen crystals. Thicker, heavier clothes were getting out of the wardrobes to see the cloudy sky, marking the arrival of another winter Jaebum used to like. Since the nightmare and the image of blood staining the pure white snow started haunting him though, he dreaded it.

If he could, he wanted to confine Jinyoung in his place and never let him go out at all throughout the winter. However Jinyoung had classes to attend, and he hated being trapped at home just because of fear from what might happen. Rather, he had been dragging Jaebum everywhere, saying that he wanted to go on dates to do things he had always been wanting to do when he had a boyfriend.

“But you were fine just spending time leisurely in my place before,” Jaebum once protested.

“Back then I was cautious of not making you feel annoyed with me!” Jinyoung retorted. “I thought I had no right to ask for anything from you, since you were already kind enough to stay with me even though you didn’t know anything about me and had no feelings for me. I was scared you would leave me. But this time you’re with me because you love me, and you promised you would never leave me again. Only now I truly feel like I have a boyfriend, so I just wanted to be more selfish. Why, I can’t?”

Jaebum frowned at the bright smile flashed before him at that time, but when Jinyoung started to pout and look at him like a sad puppy, he gave up. And thanks to that, Jinyoung didn’t restrain himself anymore to drag Jaebum to every famous dating spot he knew. They went to the zoo and aquarium like other couple. They visited all kind of themed cafe, such as hello kitty cafe (where all the customers were girls giving them weird stares Jaebum wanted to hide and disappear), psychology cafe (where he felt like taking an exam answering almost one hundred questionnaire and Jinyoung cheerfully said, “See, we’re completely compatible!” when the result came out which somehow made him more clingy the rest of the day) and cafes with any kind of animals possible like cat cafe (where Jinyoung sulked all day because Jaebum was too immersed playing with the cats and ignored him).

They also crafted their self-made couple rings with their name written on it at an underground workshop which Jinyoung threatened Jaebum he would refuse to talk to him everytime he didn’t wear it. They screamed at the top on their lungs on every rides at the amusement park, and ended it with a calm ride on the ferris wheel. They went up to Namsan Tower where Jinyoung forced him to write ‘cute message’ for him on one side of a small lock and put it on the fence after Jinyoung finished writing on the other side. They even did couple bungee jumping where Jaebum yelled excitedly while Jinyoung shut his eyes closed with paled face, and when Jaebum wanted to do it the second time, Jinyoung firmly refused.

Those dates were actually fun though, mostly because seeing Jinyoung’s ecstatic smile and laugh made the happiest moment of his life, he often forgot about the dream. He didn’t even have that nightmare anymore. He didn’t know if it was because he was too tired by the time he arrived home that he just fell into deep slumber the second his head touched the pillow, or because he slept breathing Jinyoung’s scent and feeling Jinyoung’s warmth in his arms every night, bringing him sense of peacefulness like nothing else could. And seeing the way Jinyoung smiled sleepily and snuggled closer to him everytime he waited for the other to wake up, admiring the exquisite sleeping face God had crafted in front of him, he believed Jinyoung also didn’t have the dream anymore. He never asked, since they never talked about it anymore.

Jinyoung practically lived at his apartment since they were getting back together. The vacant space in his wardrobe started being occupied by Jinyoung’s clothes, even though the charcoal haired man still often wore Jaebum’s clothes like it was his own, when they were all too big for him. Paired things started appearing on every corner of his apartment, such as toothbrushes, mugs, plates, bowls, slippers, and others. Jinyoung had tried to cook once, but after he managed to burn the pot black and since then Jaebum never let him cook again.

Everyday was a bliss for Jaebum, and he fell even deeper for Jinyoung each day. However, deep inside his heart, he was still feeling guilty for being sinfully happy with the one he loved. He still felt like he didn’t deserve feeling so happy, he didn’t deserve to love someone. So without realizing he never initiated skinships toward Jinyoung since they started dating again, he only touched the other when Jinyoung touched him first. He just smiled blissfully in his ignorance beside Jinyoung, didn’t aware of the insecurities that kept growing inside the one he loved the most.

--

Jaebum walked down the street to his place by himself, one of the rare occasion where he didn’t walk home with Jinyoung. The literature student said he had to look for reference books at the campus library for his essay, and it seemed like it was going to take long. That was why when Jaebum told him he was going to wait, Jinyoung told him to just go home, buy groceries on the way and that food had to be ready to eat on the table by the time he got home which made Jaebum thought maybe he had spoiled his boyfriend too much. And the contents of the bags straining his muscles as he climbed the steep pavement might be one of the proof.

Jinyoung had always enjoyed western food so much, but he never ate it with Jaebum since the latter didn’t like it that much. He mostly hated creamy food like pasta, but unfortunately that was what he was going to make tonight. He felt bad that Jinyoung had to hold back on eating the food he liked, so he browsed the recipe and studied it a few days ago. He just hoped it wouldn’t taste weird since it was his first time cooking something beside Korean dishes. And that was why it took him long to pick the ingredients, by the time he left the supermarket the sun had already about to be swallowed by the horizon.

He shuddered as the cold wind hit him. These days it seemed the winter had reached its peak. It had been snowing everyday for a week, as it might be today. Jaebum always tried to make excuses for not going out on those evenings. Luckily Jinyoung just accepted those excuses, no matter how absurd they were. Maybe it was his way of reassuring Jaebum, or deep down he was actually as scared as he was. It was his own life afterall.

Jaebum looked up at the blue sky that was soaked by pink and orange, the dream he had the night before came flashing before his eyes. It was different from the nightmares that usually haunting his sleep, it wasn’t even a nightmare. However, the dream was heartbreakingly sad, tugging at his feelings. Jinyoung was sitting there on his knees by the floor, both hands covered his face. Yet Jaebum still knew that he was crying from the sobbing sounds he made and the way his body violently shaking from the force, and he was wailing Jaebum’s name. Jaebum wanted to get close, hug, and comfort Jinyoung, or at least responding to his call, but like his other dreams he couldn’t do anything than just watching the heart-wrenching scene before him until he wake up with tears streaming down his face. That was another reason why he decided to make pasta. He wanted to make Jinyoung happy, no matter how little it was.

As soon as he was arrived home, he changed his clothes and started cooking. He opened the recipe he found online on his phone and put it on the counter. He took out what he needed from the grocery bags and put the rest on their place before started preparing the ingredients following the recipe. The constant chopping sound that filled the room was calming, taking his mind of off the sad dream. As the recipe told him, he cooked the bacon first. After that, he boil the pasta in a pot. While waiting, he put out a medium-sized bowl and mixed egg yolks, cream, and Parmesan he had shredded before with a whisk. After the pasta was done, he drained the water and left the pasta in the pot. All that left to do was to put them together in the pot, so he decided to do it when Jinyoung already got home so it wouldn’t get soggy.

He didn’t know what to do while waiting for Jinyoung, so he settled on reading a book. He went to his room to search for a book he might want to reread, since he had finished all the books he had and hadn’t buy a new one again, waiting for when Jinyoung wasn’t so busy anymore so they could choose a few together. However, as he scanned the books, his hand moved to a worn out book at the very bottom of the bookshelf. He opened it to find the boy he once loved looking at him with a sunny smile forever plastered on his face, a lifeless replica printed on a piece of paper that could never match the brightness of the real one. He took out the photo with one hand while holding the book with the other, his eyes never leaving Youngjae’s own.

Every effort he made to make Jinyoung happy reminded him of Youngjae, that he should’ve do it for him in the past. Back then he was only a foolish and selfish brat, didn’t know how to treasure the ones he loved. He learned his lesson the hardest way possible. He wondered if Youngjae ever felt happy when he was with him. Maybe if he didn’t get tangled up with a hotheaded teenager like Jaebum, he would still be there, loved by someone caring happily. And Jaebum could love Jinyoung without being restrained by guilt every second.

He did try his best to make Jinyoung happy, treating him preciously like he never did to Youngjae. However, because of his dream last night, he wondered whether Jinyoung truly felt happy with him. If he did, he would never cry with so much sorrow like that, and he was pretty sure it was because of him. Did he fail to make his lover happy again? And what if he also failed to protect the most important person for him the second time?

His heart ached terribly at the thought. A few drops of tears escaped his eyes as he pressed his forehead against the photo.

“I know it’s shameful of me to ask you, but can you ask God to keep Jinyoung safe? I love him so much, even though I know I don’t have the right to, after what I did to you. I don’t care what happened to me as long as he’s alive,” Jaebum pleaded in agony. “Please don’t let me make the same mistake I did to you, Youngjae, I beg you.”

Jaebum was too immersed in his feelings he didn’t realize someone entered his apartment. Only when the person opened the door to his bedroom that he was snapped out of his thought and without thinking he put the photo back into the book and closed it.

“Hey, why don’t you answer me if you’re home? I’ve been calling...” Jinyoung stopped talking, worry painted over his face. “Why are you crying?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Jaebum wiped his tears with the back of his hand, foolishly the one holding the book, bringing it into Jinyoung’s attention. “Just wait a for a moment, okay? I’ll prepare the food…”

“So you really do still love Youngjae, huh?” Jinyoung asked, sounding like he didn’t expect any answer, like he only said what he had confirmed. Jaebum’s heart clenched at seeing the other looking so sad and hurt, he quickly try to clear the misunderstanding.

“No, you’re wrong! I’ve told you already that I love you. Don’t you believe me?”

Jinyoung smiled bitterly, “I trust you. I know you didn’t lie when you said you love me. But maybe it’s not as much as the love you have for Youngjae.”

Jaebum was speechless, couldn’t grasp how Jinyoung could think that way when he loved him so much. “That’s not true!”

“Do you think I won’t notice? You never touch me first. When you did, it was like you’re only responding to what I did to you, but you never initiated it. You never went further than a kiss. Heck, you even never kiss me anymore since that morning after we got back together unless I was the one who kissed you first. And when things got heated up, you became tense. What could it mean beside that you have someone else in your mind?”

By the time Jinyoung finished talking, tears had already streamed down his cheeks. Only then Jaebum realized that Jinyoung was right, although not for the reason he stated. Everything was his fault. “Let me explain. That was…”

“You don’t need to make any excuse Jaebum,” Jinyoung said, cutting him off as he wiped his cheeks. “It’s not your fault. It’s just that since I know you love me, I become greedier. But I guess the living really can’t win against the dead.”

“Jinyoung, that’s not it…” Jaebum reached to hold Jinyoung hand, but the latter pulled his hand away.

“I think I better go back to my own place for tonight,” he said. And he left.

For a moment Jaebum stayed still, the hand Jinyoung rejected before still hanging on the air. He felt so numb, but at the same time he also felt a great pain piercing through him, shattering his heart into pieces, left him paralyzed. He wanted to run after Jinyoung, begging for forgiveness and chance to explain, yet his legs wouldn’t move. He didn’t have the right to do that since he had failed, for a second time, to make the one he loved happy.

Maybe he really was incapable of making anyone happy. Maybe he should’ve kept on his decision to stay away from Jinyoung. Maybe Jinyoung was better off without him. Maybe he should’ve stay alone forever like he had intended before he met Jinyoung, so he couldn’t hurt anyone. So maybe it was for the better he didn’t chase after Jinyoung. However, those thoughts immediately disappeared the second he turned his head and looked outside the window.

He grabbed whatever jacket within his reach and put it on as he dashed out of his apartment. He ignored the cold that bit his slippered feet and the falling snow that nested on his hair. He ran as fast as possible, frantically searching for the back view of white jacket and charcoal hair, wishing his fear was all wrong. When he found Jinyoung at last, he walking across a deserted road alone. But when he looked to the other side, to his terror there was a posh car running slightly zigzagged with a dangerously high speed at Jinyoung’s direction, most likely driven by a drunk.

He quickened his pace, racing against the speed of the car. He screamed Jinyoung’s name, trying to call him of no avail. By the time he reached Jinyoung, the car was only about two meters away from them. Without thinking he shoved Jinyoung with all his might, as far as possible, before a solid force pushed against him. One moment he was rolling over the hood, next he was floating mid air, and finally he was sprawled on the hard asphalt, drowning in the world of pain.

His body was aching all over he couldn’t move a finger. His ears were ringing loudly, he couldn’t hear anything else. He tried gasping for breath, yet it felt like nothing went in. His mind was clouded by agony. That was, until Jinyoung’s face came into his line of sight.

Despite the excruciating pain, he was still able to feel relief because Jinyoung was safe. And he could still feel his heart tugged when he saw tears pouring out from his beloved, the pair of lips mouthing his name desperately. He wanted so bad to wipe his tears, but his body won’t move. He tried so hard to answer him, yet no voice came out. This helplessness reminded him of his dream the night before. He finally realized that those dreams was trying to led them to this conclusion, where Jinyoung could be alive, the opposite from the nightmare they had been having. Those dream guide him to save Jinyoung, to change his fate. Maybe this was the second chance heaven granted for him, and he couldn’t be more grateful. He tried to hold on as long as he could so he was able to watch Jinyoung for a little bit longer. However when the darkness finally swallowed him, he closed his eyes with a smile.

Excited because I finally able to update and GOT7's title song this comeback is soo good >w<
This fic finally reaches its eighth chapter, the longest I've ever written *banzai* This fic was supposed to end way much earlier but it turn out this way. Thanks for your interest on this fic! Anyway, as few of you asked me, I kept Jinyoung alive. He was supposed to be the one being hit by the car since the moment I thought of this story, but I changed it halfway, just like many other things. Thanks for reading :))